I need BDSM related relationship help!

[WalkingInSpace]

I haven't had mush BDSM experience outside my own fantasies.
For a while I was toying with the idea of finding someone to date through some kink-related thing, so that I could have some kind of kink-related experience potentially.
Despite that, a few months ago I started dating a nice slightly older man (he's 29, and I'm 19) who was more or less vanilla, save for a couple of episodes tying up girlfriends at their request. He said he's open and willing to try anything with me.
I began describing to him some of my fantasies, and since then he's become rather interested in becoming more D to match my s. After requesting some possible role-playing, he then says that he doesn't want to role-play, he wants it to be "real." He confuses me by saying fantasies are really what people want to happen for real, to which i respond that my fantasies can't be "real." And now I am just confused!

I need help sorting this all out.

Can anyone offer some advice or insight?

 

[the captians wench]

Sounds to me like you guys are thinking on two different levels.

I would venture to say that most here do not role play, just personal choices.

For me, role play seems too much like a game, and I want D/s apart of my complete life, not just something I turn on and off like my xbox.

If you have some reservations about adding D/s to other aspects of your life, then I would sujest you talk to him about those reservations. Explain to him your boundries and how far you are willing to push them at this time. If he can't accept them you have two choices, give in, or leave the relationship.

 

[ecstaticsub]

There is nothing wrong with role-play or fantasies. I have used both in the past as sort of a trial to see what my mental (and even sexual) responses would be if it were real.

If you feel more comfortable with role play at this point in your life then insist on role play only. I share all my fantasies with my PYL and he has taken some and made them real to a certain extent, but he knows me very well and knows where I would want to keep some fantasies as just fantasy.

 

[cherokee_dove]

I haven't had mush BDSM experience outside my own fantasies.
For a while I was toying with the idea of finding someone to date through some kink-related thing, so that I could have some kind of kink-related experience potentially.
Despite that, a few months ago I started dating a nice slightly older man (he's 29, and I'm 19) who was more or less vanilla, save for a couple of episodes tying up girlfriends at their request. He said he's open and willing to try anything with me.
I began describing to him some of my fantasies, and since then he's become rather interested in becoming more D to match my s. After requesting some possible role-playing, he then says that he doesn't want to role-play, he wants it to be "real." He confuses me by saying fantasies are really what people want to happen for real, to which i respond that my fantasies can't be "real." And now I am just confused!

I need help sorting this all out.

Can anyone offer some advice or insight?

Walking, maybe you should try to analysis your fantasies.

Are they something you just think about, because you have heard or read about them?

Or are they something you wish could happen to you, because they get your blood pumping and your body squirming?

Or, is knowing that those fantasies could come true; the part that is holding you back, from allowing him to make them real? Just because you are unsure, or confused.

Then, after figuring out those fantasies for yourself; talk to him. Let him know what your worried about, and be open about it. If he cares enough to want to make them "real" for you, then more than likely; he cares enough about you, to make sure your safe at all times.

Be willing to experiment and try to see what and how he deals with your fantasies.

But remember, always have your safeword in place first. So if at any time, it gets to much for you, you can use your word; and stop.

But be willing to let go, don't think that just because it is a fantasy; that it automatically cannot become real. Because some fantasies do come real.

Hope this helps you figure things out a little.

 

[WalkingInSpace]

Thanks for the advice! I found them all rather helpful, and hopefully i can get things worked out, figuring out what i want to be real, and what i don't.
Reading other threads around here is also good for insight

 

[Etoile]

It does depend on what your fantasies are, to some extent. Many people fantasize about things that are not actually safe to do in real life. So you say they "can't be real" but is that because they are not able to be carried out, or because you think fantasies should stay fantasies?

By the way, 19 and 29 is a pretty big age gap. I was 17 when my wife and I started dating, and she was 29. We're still together 10 years later, but the difference in experience is very significant - there is a definite power imbalance there, and not just in the D/s sense.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

It sounds to me like your guy wants to discuss making your submission 'real' rather than a playtime thing. This to me suggests that he wants to be the dominant party at all times, making decisions within the relationship that affect you both. Is that something you could see yourself doing? Submitting to him and serving him on a day to day basis?

I may be completely wrong and if so, I apologise.

If I'm right though, this would be quite a serious and fundamental shift in how you both operate within the dynamic. You should sit down and work out your boundaries and maybe a trial period to see if it's something that suits you both equally and that you can maintain in the longer term.

To be honest though, only he can tell you what he truly means by what he says. Just ask him and go from there is my advice.

 

[FurryFury]

Some guys are very stupid and assume that a girl's fantasies are what she wants in real life. Oh really? What about the fantasies in which we are raped and killed? Hmm? That's just an extreme example there are many more that you wouldn't want to have happen for many reasons.

There are some fantasies you would want to have happen and there are some you would not. If he at even ten years older than you, can't understand that, after you've explained it, you need to move on. He is clearly less mature than you need.

 

[myinnerslut]

sit down and talk to him. if you start talking openly you will see if you are on the same page or are both talking about different things. its not even unexpected that miscommunications happen. BDSM and D/s can mean so many different things to different people. once your on the same page you will find out if you are both thinking the same things.

and i dont think the age gap is that bad. but then again, im biased. Master is 15 years older then me.

 

[Etoile]

and i dont think the age gap is that bad. but then again, im biased. Master is 15 years older then me.

I think the age one is matters a lot, though.

Then again, age ain't nothin' but a number.

So...YMMV!

 

[Fauna]

Walking, I'm a Domme and sometimes I role play with my slave. I'm me 95% of the time in scene and out. Its my personality and language when we play. I'm a pretty nice person. I'm one of those sneak up on you Dommes.

I'm devious and sadistic and I have a great of humor. This all translates beautifully into our play dynamic. I don't like to be mean to him because he is my friend and lover and playmate. But, I can role play being mean to him.

I'm real all the time but role play when its fun for both of us.

I think the BDSM lifestyle gives us an amazing opportunity to live our fantasies. Some have to be role played because of the potential for getting hurt or worse. But isn't it fun to plan those things out in a safe way and/or just talk with someone about it?

Fantasy rape is something many people think about, but the vast majority of people do not want to be raped for real. We just took a class on this and the point of the class was the interaction between the "victim" and "attacker." That feeling of aggressiveness and giving up power consensually.

A fantasy rape scene is role playing. Restraining my slave and flogging him is real for me.