I have to go.
It isn't anything personal to anyone. I am just too involved. My friends say to just blow past shit. Well, that is hard to do when you care as much as I do. The ones who know what I am about to tell you all, know why it is so hard for me to just blow past anything.
I love you all so much...
Yet you all seem to find it so easy to hate/ be indifferent/ or put each other on ignore. Your choice yes, and in extreams, I understand, but otherwise it is just another way of perpetuating pain. Someone who fucked up, will feel shut out and in their own life perpetuate the pain to others.
The level of open forgiveness on the board is slim. I am glad that in my personal experiance it's been about half and half. Well, there is a line, yes, I guess, and I crossed it tonight. I don't expect to be forgiven, but I do love you.
I am turning into what I hate out of the most primal fear.
Weird, huh, but amidst a great heap of fault and opinions and words, rants, rambling, and so forth, I have never seen any one of you as less than a human.... I have never looked at you as a screen name, never just a series of posts, a blankness. Though I have managed to drive a wedge between me and two people I had begun to love. Amidst the heart of all that has been said and done, I must go. If not to prevent further hurting of the rest of you.
I have been here under a false premise. One of hope and joy and fun and whatnot. It has been that for all of us at some point, yet in my life there is one difference. One accosting threat that has had me torn up beyond any petty bullshit or even meaningful loving words if seen here on the lit BB.
My life is being threatend by a health problem. I am very sick and getting sicker. I don't know, but it doesn't look good. I have hid it, denyed it, made excuses for it, and gotten by with it. Now that the situation is effecting my emotional stability at a very unstable place, I have to make a choice. That choice is to tell you all the truth and to say goodbye, and give you my love.
I love you. yes. I love those folks that just got here that I won't get to meet. Those of you who've backed me or supported me, liked, me, hated me, and those been ready to guide me.......
You all have been a means for a stupid girl like me to stay in touch with the ways of people, being that I am not allowed around them much, but for my family, and the occaional outting.
Some of you may think it is gay for an adult to get all excited about going to the Zoo. If you only knew how little I get to do, and how hard it is for me to do what I want to do, you'd take it a little bit more seriously.
I am kind of jealous of some of you. Some of you who can go Mountain climbing, or maybe rafting, or ride roller coasters with your friends or whatnot, but regardless, my situation is no ones fault so I love you all. That is all I can do.
I am letting my friends down.
I know this.
I am feeling that pain more than anything.
That is why I tried to get out before I even really knew I had any, and the one's I thought were my friends aren't and the one I thought weren't are??????? And before I hurt anymore feelings with my own emotional baggage.
Fucking shit man.
I never posted about this shit because it is what I consider private, but every so ofteh it would get adressed by one of you in a way that was not cold, but indifferent to the idea that there could be something really wrong. I am not allergic to meat, for chrissake. I am not able to digest it. I can't eat food coloring, because I found out after 26 years of poisoning myself was why I've almost died four times, and why it is happening again. The last poisoning was in January, when I died my hair with shit that had Red #40 up the wazooo. Well, I am not recovering, and I am getting weaker by picking up colds. I am more scared right now than anything. I am scared in general, and I am afraid to say that I am able to handle more stress. This is why I must go.
Some of you may look at me as weak for this. Well, good. I am. I will post a pic of me that Never pointed out how I looked under the weather. It was taken last night.
To my friends, please understand and try not to look at this as me abandoning you. You are my friends. I don't think that should end with my having to get away from an overly emotional situation. Please. You know I am honest, I haven't lied and I love you. You know my email addy. The shit works both ways. So there is no problem.
Dillinger, I am sorry I didn't wait. I couldn't. I have to do this.
PC, I love you, and I am sorry I've let you down. That is what I meant. I will come out to visit you, when my health returns. I promise.
Laurel, I don't know how to thank you. You have really kept me going lady. I am, of all people, feeling I am abandoning you the most. I am sorry. Your site is wonderful. I have loved coming her for the past year, and I am glad to say that I think I officially made it to a year here. I really am embarrassed about my past behavior and emotional outbursts. I want your site to be a happy and sane place and I want the best for You and Manu. I love you both, and hope you can see that I appreciate everything you've done here for everyone and myself, more than you'll ever know.
I love you all and I am sorry I can't adress each one of you with my feelings, as I am too tired to continue.
regretfully,
Starfish, Gretchen
It isn't anything personal to anyone. I am just too involved. My friends say to just blow past shit. Well, that is hard to do when you care as much as I do. The ones who know what I am about to tell you all, know why it is so hard for me to just blow past anything.
I love you all so much...
Yet you all seem to find it so easy to hate/ be indifferent/ or put each other on ignore. Your choice yes, and in extreams, I understand, but otherwise it is just another way of perpetuating pain. Someone who fucked up, will feel shut out and in their own life perpetuate the pain to others.
The level of open forgiveness on the board is slim. I am glad that in my personal experiance it's been about half and half. Well, there is a line, yes, I guess, and I crossed it tonight. I don't expect to be forgiven, but I do love you.
I am turning into what I hate out of the most primal fear.
Weird, huh, but amidst a great heap of fault and opinions and words, rants, rambling, and so forth, I have never seen any one of you as less than a human.... I have never looked at you as a screen name, never just a series of posts, a blankness. Though I have managed to drive a wedge between me and two people I had begun to love. Amidst the heart of all that has been said and done, I must go. If not to prevent further hurting of the rest of you.
I have been here under a false premise. One of hope and joy and fun and whatnot. It has been that for all of us at some point, yet in my life there is one difference. One accosting threat that has had me torn up beyond any petty bullshit or even meaningful loving words if seen here on the lit BB.
My life is being threatend by a health problem. I am very sick and getting sicker. I don't know, but it doesn't look good. I have hid it, denyed it, made excuses for it, and gotten by with it. Now that the situation is effecting my emotional stability at a very unstable place, I have to make a choice. That choice is to tell you all the truth and to say goodbye, and give you my love.
I love you. yes. I love those folks that just got here that I won't get to meet. Those of you who've backed me or supported me, liked, me, hated me, and those been ready to guide me.......
You all have been a means for a stupid girl like me to stay in touch with the ways of people, being that I am not allowed around them much, but for my family, and the occaional outting.
Some of you may think it is gay for an adult to get all excited about going to the Zoo. If you only knew how little I get to do, and how hard it is for me to do what I want to do, you'd take it a little bit more seriously.
I am kind of jealous of some of you. Some of you who can go Mountain climbing, or maybe rafting, or ride roller coasters with your friends or whatnot, but regardless, my situation is no ones fault so I love you all. That is all I can do.
I am letting my friends down.
I know this.
I am feeling that pain more than anything.
That is why I tried to get out before I even really knew I had any, and the one's I thought were my friends aren't and the one I thought weren't are??????? And before I hurt anymore feelings with my own emotional baggage.
Fucking shit man.
I never posted about this shit because it is what I consider private, but every so ofteh it would get adressed by one of you in a way that was not cold, but indifferent to the idea that there could be something really wrong. I am not allergic to meat, for chrissake. I am not able to digest it. I can't eat food coloring, because I found out after 26 years of poisoning myself was why I've almost died four times, and why it is happening again. The last poisoning was in January, when I died my hair with shit that had Red #40 up the wazooo. Well, I am not recovering, and I am getting weaker by picking up colds. I am more scared right now than anything. I am scared in general, and I am afraid to say that I am able to handle more stress. This is why I must go.
Some of you may look at me as weak for this. Well, good. I am. I will post a pic of me that Never pointed out how I looked under the weather. It was taken last night.
To my friends, please understand and try not to look at this as me abandoning you. You are my friends. I don't think that should end with my having to get away from an overly emotional situation. Please. You know I am honest, I haven't lied and I love you. You know my email addy. The shit works both ways. So there is no problem.
Dillinger, I am sorry I didn't wait. I couldn't. I have to do this.
PC, I love you, and I am sorry I've let you down. That is what I meant. I will come out to visit you, when my health returns. I promise.
Laurel, I don't know how to thank you. You have really kept me going lady. I am, of all people, feeling I am abandoning you the most. I am sorry. Your site is wonderful. I have loved coming her for the past year, and I am glad to say that I think I officially made it to a year here. I really am embarrassed about my past behavior and emotional outbursts. I want your site to be a happy and sane place and I want the best for You and Manu. I love you both, and hope you can see that I appreciate everything you've done here for everyone and myself, more than you'll ever know.
I love you all and I am sorry I can't adress each one of you with my feelings, as I am too tired to continue.
regretfully,
Starfish, Gretchen
