I love the concept...but.

[Nathon_88]

I can't seem to figure out which end of the spectrum I fall into.

I can't really see myself on the extreme end of the slave spectrum. I have a fairly low self esteem, and don't want to put myself any lower by being controlled by someone.

At the same time, I don't think highly enough of myself to think that someone putting their heart and mind into my hands is a good idea.

I'm trying to be honest with myself. I love the whole concept of BDSM, but I can't figure out where I belong.

Am I just dabbling? Putting my toes into the water whilst others dive right in? I've been reading on and off about domination and submission for 2 years now, trying to figure where I fit. I don't normally go out of my way to post something at Lit, but I wonder what the serious, knowledgable people here think.

Thank you very much for your time.

Please, questions and comments are welcome.

 

[Quint]

.............

 

[Kajira Callista]

I can't really see myself on the extreme end of the slave spectrum. I have a fairly low self esteem, and don't want to put myself any lower by being controlled by someone.

Hello Nathon.
I am sure I am misreading this.
Can you explain to make it clearer please?

 

[rthnck]

The shallow end of a deep pool

BDSM is usually not a "dive right in" kind of activity. Each of us has to find our limits and explore our interests without physical or psychological damage. If the idea of submission interests you then the number one thing you need is the right partner to let you "test the waters" Slow and steady wins the race. Good luck.

 

[Nathon_88]

Hello Nathon.
I am sure I am misreading this.
Can you explain to make it clearer please?

(Thanks, re-reading that, I can see how someone might take offense! My apologies, I didn't mean it that way at all)

Sure! I feel that, if I were to put myself under someone's control, I think (think, mind you, I have read, but.....it scares me, to tell you the truth), that I would find myself defining myself in such a way that would cause me to think less of myself. I can't be someone's fuck toy. It's just not the way I work. I carry quite a bit of emotional luggage, and worry that I would turn someone off by having too many hard limits.

*sad chuckles* I know. I want to please someone, but at the same time, I don't want to submit entirely. I promised myself that I would -not- even try to think of topping from the bottom.

Both Dom and Sub appeal to me in their own ways. I guess I either need 2 highly caring individuals, or another switch. Either way, I'm horribly in need of emotional connections before I'd even think of it. Does that make me a pain in the ass or what?

*sighs* And somehow, I doubt they're out there desperately seeking me.

*chuckles* That said, I have read loads on the subject, I just....can't quite place myself. It's not a matter of labeling, it's a matter of I don't know which is going to appeal to me more! I suppose that will come with experience.

 

[CutieMouse]

Sure! I feel that, if I were to put myself under someone's control, I think (think, mind you, I have read, but.....it scares me, to tell you the truth), that I would find myself defining myself in such a way that would cause me to think less of myself. I can't be someone's fuck toy. It's just not the way I work. I carry quite a bit of emotional luggage, and worry that I would turn someone off by having too many hard limits.

It is interesting to me that you view submitting in terms of being placed under another's control, and that causing you to think less of yourself, or to view yourself as a fuck toy, and nothing more.

I know I'm awfully damned picky about who I will share myself with. Being a "fuck toy" (in a good way) has it's moments... *mind drifts a bit*, but I can't imaging getting involved with someone, if we didn't see each other as cherished Lovers. In a relationship between consenting adults, I can play with an awful lot of hummiliation, pain, and power (that I'd normally not be capable of dealing with) *because the relationship is one of consent with a person whom I know treasures me*. There is a huge difference (for me) between an asshat off the street trying to humiliate/mess with me (which brings out the Ice Princess Domme in me), and a Lover pushing just enough to make me quite discomforted (which turns me into a whimpering little puddle of yumminess).

As for limits- everyone has limits; Dominants and submissives, alike. Everyone started somewhere, and I suspect most people's limits list was a mile long, in the beginning. Surely there are people out there who enjoy walking alongside someone just starting out in the journey, no?

 

[Nathon_88]

It is interesting to me that you view submitting in terms of being placed under another's control, and that causing you to think less of yourself, or to view yourself as a fuck toy, and nothing more.

I know I'm awfully damned picky about who I will share myself with. Being a "fuck toy" (in a good way) has it's moments... *mind drifts a bit*, but I can't imaging getting involved with someone, if we didn't see each other as cherished Lovers. In a relationship between consenting adults, I can play with an awful lot of hummiliation, pain, and power (that I'd normally not be capable of dealing with) *because the relationship is one of consent with a person whom I know treasures me*. There is a huge difference (for me) between an asshat off the street trying to humiliate/mess with me (which brings out the Ice Princess Domme in me), and a Lover pushing just enough to make me quite discomforted (which turns me into a whimpering little puddle of yumminess).

As for limits- everyone has limits; Dominants and submissives, alike. Everyone started somewhere, and I suspect most people's limits list was a mile long, in the beginning. Surely there are people out there who enjoy walking alongside someone just starting out in the journey, no?

Honestly? It's just that I don't know how strong I am. I worry that I wouldn't be able to stand up to someone like you can. I mean, most of the time in my life, I go with the flow and just try not to make waves. To me, telling someone I love, care and respect no is the hardest thing to do!

*nods* I think, think, mind you, that I would like that. The problem is finding someone. As noted in the "male subs" thread, there's a whole lot more chance to find someone willing to take the time and effort to invest in you if you're female. Satan knows, I'm probably going to be a very slow process, due to some emotional issues I have squirreled away. *sighs*

*smiles* Well, what do you think my next baby step should be?

Thanks again to everyone who's taken the time and effort to help me out with this. I appreciate it more than I can tell you.

Thanks.

 

[DomRick]

Perhaps it's a matter of understanding more about a D/s relationship, or a relationship you may get the most of. I have never made any of my subs feel lower, either in play or in a relationship. D/s is a power exchange, not a total giving in to control. There should be freedom in both releasing control and taking control. If it's out of balance, I don't think it's the right kind of healthy play or relationship. Good luck to you and you explore this part of you and the world.

 

[Etoile]

Try to think of it in terms other than self-esteem. Being a sub isn't about thinking little of yourself, and being a dominant isn't about thinking too much of yourself. It's more about power - do you feel you can give up power to another person? Do you feel you can take power over another person? Which one gives you more of a thrill to think about? It's okay to get a thrill from both, too - some say switches have the best of both worlds. Don't worry about whether you're "good enough" or "better enough" to take control of somebody...worry about how doing so would make you feel. And although my low self-esteem sometimes plays a role in my submission, it's not the whole of it...and I wouldn't think it should be, either. In fact, I know that as a submissive I have a role to perform, and that's something I can strive to live up to rather than beating myself down for.