I like the ratings, but where are the comments?

[oncemorewithfeeling]

Hello my dear collegues and esteemed critics, I've come to vie for your aid. I'm publishing my manuscript in parts, fumbling along with out of order chapters and ill chosen titles (thanks for rectifying those, Laurel). One should not post after midnight, I know.

Despite this, readers persist and are quite favourable in their judgement, ratings wise. Still, I know there is much room for improvement, and given I'm working on my next manuscript, I vie for your input:

https://literotica.com/s/muse-18

One should learn from mistakes made. Prey rip my story to shreds with your ascerbic opinions! I especially like to know at what point you were done with the thing. My thanks for your troubles in advance.

 

[Stimtheone]

And I hope to see bdsm done right. But, let us proceed with the review.

Honestly there's not much to pick apart. At best some minor slips in grammar and the like. Seems you really have a passion for it and more want this to be written just to be written than to please. I do not like first person, but that is my personal preference.

Characters for now seem to be more alive than usual, filled with motivations and approaches, agendas and mild damage. Clearly the story focuses more on describing the characters than using them as puppets to tell a grand story. And the writing is sure diverse in presentation.

I do hope to see character growth as time passes, but this is clearly just in the beginning. I have not given more than the proposal a look, but I can get the feel of the text. Yes, text has a feel, and clearly the sexual content is more of a side thing, a detail... you want to focus on the interactions, the trust, the suspense and such. So it seems to have better quality than most. My hope is that the experience turns the two better.

So, you have some real talent, proceed.

 

[oncemorewithfeeling]

And I hope to see bdsm done right. But, let us proceed with the review.

Honestly there's not much to pick apart. At best some minor slips in grammar and the like. Seems you really have a passion for it and more want this to be written just to be written than to please. I do not like first person, but that is my personal preference.

Characters for now seem to be more alive than usual, filled with motivations and approaches, agendas and mild damage. Clearly the story focuses more on describing the characters than using them as puppets to tell a grand story. And the writing is sure diverse in presentation.

I do hope to see character growth as time passes, but this is clearly just in the beginning. I have not given more than the proposal a look, but I can get the feel of the text. Yes, text has a feel, and clearly the sexual content is more of a side thing, a detail... you want to focus on the interactions, the trust, the suspense and such. So it seems to have better quality than most. My hope is that the experience turns the two better.

So, you have some real talent, proceed.

Thank you for your time and troubles. I saw your similar questions earlier in this forum, so if you'd still like my 2 cents, I'll return the favour.

As for the minor slips in grammar and the like, I'm at the end of my skill (and that of the checking software I employ) in the English language. It's something I'll have to address before I can publish this manuscript for real, but I don't know how yet.

I chose the first person narrative because I believe it makes emotional scenes more visceral and doesn't allow readers to distance themselves from the characters, something to strive for in writing erotica. Moreover, I needed them both to be unreliable narrators, for which the first person works better than the third person limited. I'd love to hear your opinion on why you prefer third person, cause I'm still unsure whether it's the right approach for my next manuscript.

You are right that in the first chapters, the sexual content is a side show, though their sensual struggle becomes more and more prevalent. Like I said in the introduction, I wanted to write an BDSM themed short story, but couldn't find a way to make the introduction of the characters and their develloping relationship shorter without loosing a lot of payoff's in the subsequent chapters. Maybe I shouldn't have made them so opposed to each other? But then that is where much of the fun in writing was. Why do these two hit it off?

I can't say the experience makes my protagonists better per se, but they will be more self aware and wiser at the end of the tale. I did strive for a realistic BDSM scenario with all the pitfalls it entails, but not to the detriment or shaming of those acts. Many of their experiences are inspired by my real life ones and those of others I consulted, set in a fictitious history.

And yes, thanks to reactions like yours I will proceed.

 

[yukonnights]

I read your first part and think it is very well done. Also, I agree with your use of the first person for the reason you gave — it is more intimate than any other option. I write almost all of my stories in first person POV for the same reason. You have great writing skills IMO and should not worry about that. Personally, I'm in awe of the fact that you wrote the story in your native language and are able and willing to translate it into English.

 

[oncemorewithfeeling]

I read your first part and think it is very well done. Also, I agree with your use of the first person for the reason you gave — it is more intimate than any other option. I write almost all of my stories in first person POV for the same reason. You have great writing skills IMO and should not worry about that. Personally, I'm in awe of the fact that you wrote the story in your native language and are able and willing to translate it into English.

Thank you for your kind words. Although not what I'm looking for, compliments are always welcome. As for translating, my native tongue didn't leave me much options if I wanted a sizable audience. I have to confess, I couldn't have done the translation without Deepl and Prowritingaid considerably improved this version over the native one.

 

[Stimtheone]

I chose the first person narrative because I believe it makes emotional scenes more visceral and doesn't allow readers to distance themselves from the characters, something to strive for in writing erotica. Moreover, I needed them both to be unreliable narrators, for which the first person works better than the third person limited. I'd love to hear your opinion on why you prefer third person, cause I'm still unsure whether it's the right approach for my next manuscript.

To address only this part on why I dislike first person:

It is usually the mark of one going for a lazy approach, a clear fantasy with not much thought into it.... not saying yours is so, but saying it is like a stereotype. Far too often it applies rather than not.

Third person also allows for an unreliable narrator, though you have to go on a different approach as a third person narrator cannot lie while a first person narrator can simply state "that was the truth as the time as I saw it". Equally one can be immersed in story in third person as an observer to the events, often I feel that perspective disturbed by first person.

First person also allows for far less detail. The POV character may comment on how they see others reacting, but it is hard to tell what is actually happening. While it can indeed focus instead on what happens inside the POV character, it is in my view a far more "selfish" style of writing.

And finally, while I do have a great favorite in some works which were technically written in first person, they were actually done in third, as the POV character was not the hero, but instead the observer of the hero, preserving the details that might give in mystery until later. When one was written from the POV of the hero, it was far less interesting as they would lay out everything in advance as they noticed them.

 

[oncemorewithfeeling]

To address only this part on why I dislike first person:

It is usually the mark of one going for a lazy approach, a clear fantasy with not much thought into it.... not saying yours is so, but saying it is like a stereotype. Far too often it applies rather than not.

Third person also allows for an unreliable narrator, though you have to go on a different approach as a third person narrator cannot lie while a first person narrator can simply state "that was the truth as the time as I saw it". Equally one can be immersed in story in third person as an observer to the events, often I feel that perspective disturbed by first person.

First person also allows for far less detail. The POV character may comment on how they see others reacting, but it is hard to tell what is actually happening. While it can indeed focus instead on what happens inside the POV character, it is in my view a far more "selfish" style of writing.

And finally, while I do have a great favorite in some works which were technically written in first person, they were actually done in third, as the POV character was not the hero, but instead the observer of the hero, preserving the details that might give in mystery until later. When one was written from the POV of the hero, it was far less interesting as they would lay out everything in advance as they noticed them.

Good points. I'll leave Muse as is, for it's a story that revolves around conflicting POV's. But my second novel may benefit from third person limited, though I'll hate the rewrite involved, being at 50.000 words....so thank you, I guess