I laughed so hard I was crying!!

[she_is_my_addiction]

1 cup water
1 tsp.. baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp.. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl. Check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Yell at the cat to get away from the bowl. Beat something else. . .possibly the brown sugar. . . or maybe the cat if he's still licking the bowl.

Make sure the tequila is still fresh. Try another cup...just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit up off the floor. Try not to step on the cat. Mix on the turner. Watch it go round and round and. . .whew . . .try not to get dizzy. Steady yourself by focusing on cat. Where did the second one come from?

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin to 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Remove foot from cat's tail and cat's claws from lower leg.

Don't forget to beat off the turner thingy.
Finally, wash mixing bowl thoroughly with tequila. Drink the tequila and throw the bowl into the fireplace to dry. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

 

[shereads]

I had just finished laughing so hard I was crying, before I saw the thread. This is good. I wish I had a laugh left in me, but my side hurts.

Thank you, though.

 

[Belegon]

Does it work with scotch?

 

[fairysong]

Thanks for the laugh

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

I cried again!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I
looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."


THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were
looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts.." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned...and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my
Sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with
potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had
not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one
more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his
cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story.. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

 

[fairysong]

FIRST TESTIMONY would be my fav.
Where do you get these from?

 

[tolyk]

Last testimony is great

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

FIRST TESTIMONY would be my fav.
Where do you get these from?

I found a couple of old emails.

 

[fairysong]

I found a couple of old emails.

You found a treasure