I know this is probably no the right thread but........

[le_kinklet]

.....i have been lurking here for so long ocassionally popping my head in i feel that i can get good advice from you guy's as you all seem to give some great advice!

Here is my problem, i have a 15 yo daughter that has just told me at 34 i may be about to become a grand ma, and of course my opinion is "I am too Young To Be a Grandma". How do i talk to her about it with out influencing her to terminate, i need that to be her decision, especially as she is so young?

Of course i would be there for her what ever decision she makes, but i do not want her coming to me in 10 years time and saying it was my fault that she terminated. What do i say to her, gees i wish they came with instructions!

 

[graceanne]

.....i have been lurking here for so long ocassionally popping my head in i feel that i can get good advice from you guy's as you all seem to give some great advice!

Here is my problem, i have a 15 yo daughter that has just told me at 34 i may be about to become a grand ma, and of course my opinion is "I am too Young To Be a Grandma". How do i talk to her about it with out influencing her to terminate, i need that to be her decision, especially as she is so young?

Of course i would be there for her what ever decision she makes, but i do not want her coming to me in 10 years time and saying it was my fault that she terminated. What do i say to her, gees i wish they came with instructions!

Don't tell her what you think she should do. Talk to her about her decisions, being honest. And tell her no matter what she decides (to keep, to abort or to adopt) that you will be there for her, period. And then leave her alone to make the decision. If she's not preggo, then you need to have a more forceful discussion about birth control. Get her on the shot or something.

 

[canadiancutie]

.....i have been lurking here for so long ocassionally popping my head in i feel that i can get good advice from you guy's as you all seem to give some great advice!

Here is my problem, i have a 15 yo daughter that has just told me at 34 i may be about to become a grand ma, and of course my opinion is "I am too Young To Be a Grandma". How do i talk to her about it with out influencing her to terminate, i need that to be her decision, especially as she is so young?

Of course i would be there for her what ever decision she makes, but i do not want her coming to me in 10 years time and saying it was my fault that she terminated. What do i say to her, gees i wish they came with instructions!

Oi vay. Well, one thing you could do is just tell her the options. Chances are she'll remember the first thing you tell her, so mention terminating first. And just make a list of pros and cons, and ask her how she would feel about different situations

 

[catalina_francisco]

Been in the same position, though my lovely one was 17.......I kept a positive and supportive mood, asked her how she felt, what she wanted to do, and when she said she was going ahead and keeping the baby, I 100% gave her support and stood between her and anyone who thought it their place to begin putting negatives in her head or heart, and just about killed anyone who dared judge her. Despite a few hiccoughs along the way, she has become the most devoted and caring of mothers who adores her daughter, tries to make all her childhood dreams come true and then some, and has built her unconventional life around her. I adore them both and love being Nanna.

Catalina

 

[tealsphynx]

My sis was 14 when her first "suprise" happened. We (my mom and I) talked with her about the pros and cons of all the options and she originally decided to keep the baby. Then the baby's father was harassing her, she got suicidal and we started to gently guide her to the abortion. It hurt all of us (except him, he was an ass about the whole thing). But it was too much for her and she (and us) decided that itwa s better to lose the baby then it was to lose both of them. She's still not completely over it (it's been 6 years), and since then my mother and I have both borne children which has of course caused some anxiety flashbacks for her. It was really hard. She was at first denying she was even having sex, so it was a shock to her. My mom tried to handle it very calmly. They didn't tell anyone (and weren't going to) until she had made her decision, but I found out and was in their little loop. She was hurt to have to tell me, but I knew before she did. I told her that no matter what we were there for her, to help her and get her any help she needed. We offered to go with her to a counselor if she needed but she didn't want to (we should have pushed her to, it may have prevented some of her later problems when our little brother was born) I feel for you and your daughter, but it sounds like there's alot of love between you two and it will all go just fine

 

[Vixandra]

I believe that this is a good place for such a thread- its the Cafe where we can talk of anything and everything with people who've a BDSM interest.

Moving along- I'm with the majority- supportive, let her know her options and let her go where she'll go.
At 15- a pregnancy is both scary and dangerous, moreso then for an older woman.
She needs to be taking a daily vitamin (if she isn't already) and eating a balanced diet, lots of calcium.
*hugs*
There are many parents who would force thier child to abort or send them off to "Aunt May's" in the county and force them to give the child up for adoption.
Thank you for not being one of them.

 

[FurryFury]

My Mother was 16 when she got pregnant with me. Her Mother strongly tried to MAKE her get an illegal (at that time) abortion. She didn't. I think I turned out pretty well. I know she considers me the best thing in her life as my father who was 21 did before he died.

My Mother strongly suggested I get an abortion when I was first pregnant and walked out on at 30. I never even considered it. I'm damned happy with my kids though I had my fears at the time.

Support your child in whatever she decides to do. That is my advice. Good luck to you both. There are worse things than having a precious baby in your lives or being a Grandmother IMO. This is a terrible shock but as I tell my kids there are far worse things that one can get from sex, death or un-healable diseases, for instance instead of life.

Fury

PS I support the rights of the individual who carries the child to make this decision. I would only abort if my life were in danger and then only if I had others who needed me. That's just me.

 

[le_kinklet]

Thank YOU so much.......

I truly appreciate it, i will be taking that all on board and today is "D" day, so to speak,, so i will let you all know how it goes. I am not really worried about being nanna, just a bit of a shock, but it just concerns me what pregnancy can do to a body that is still growing!

 

[Lilith]

Wishing you calm thoughts, patience, courage and the right words.

 

[FurryFury]

I truly appreciate it, i will be taking that all on board and today is "D" day, so to speak,, so i will let you all know how it goes. I am not really worried about being nanna, just a bit of a shock, but it just concerns me what pregnancy can do to a body that is still growing!

Well she needs to be careful with her body if she does go on with the pregnacy. She needs to eat right, get lots of sleep and take very good care of herself.

Keep us informed okay?

More on the above later if she decides to keep the baby.

*hugs*

Good luck to both of you!

Fury

 

[jasonlf]

.....i have been lurking here for so long ocassionally popping my head in i feel that i can get good advice from you guy's as you all seem to give some great advice!

Here is my problem, i have a 15 yo daughter that has just told me at 34 i may be about to become a grand ma, and of course my opinion is "I am too Young To Be a Grandma". How do i talk to her about it with out influencing her to terminate, i need that to be her decision, especially as she is so young?

Of course i would be there for her what ever decision she makes, but i do not want her coming to me in 10 years time and saying it was my fault that she terminated. What do i say to her, gees i wish they came with instructions!

Handle it the southern way.

Find an angry male family member, give him a sawed off shotgun, a shell, and the address to the babydaddy. Don't ask anymore questions.

 

[FurryFury]

Handle it the southern way.

Find an angry male family member, give him a sawed off shotgun, a shell, and the address to the babydaddy. Don't ask anymore questions.

"Woo hoo! Guess what, Papa Uncle? Yore little baby boy, Bubba's gitting married! Right now too!"

LOL!

Sorry that just stuck me as funny. Sometimes laughter helps relieve a little stress.

Fury

 

[le_kinklet]

Handle it the southern way.

Find an angry male family member, give him a sawed off shotgun, a shell, and the address to the babydaddy. Don't ask anymore questions.

If only it was that easy,,, he is even denying he is the father,, telling my daughter that she has screwed around! At this point after a long conversation between me her father and her, i thinks she is going to terminate, given the fact she wants to study forensic science, having said that the decision is still not made, she still has 24 hours for that, and as FurryFury said i am a firm beleiver of the person carrying the child being the one that makes the decision.

She is a very intelligent child despite her little hiccup and the boy is generally a good one, he works, pays his bills, but he is only 19 and at that age boys are just not old enough to be responsible for any thing even there own dicks

Thanks again every one for taking the time, it has helped me out no end!

 

[FurryFury]

If only it was that easy,,, he is even denying he is the father,, telling my daughter that she has screwed around! At this point after a long conversation between me her father and her, i thinks she is going to terminate, given the fact she wants to study forensic science, having said that the decision is still not made, she still has 24 hours for that, and as FurryFury said i am a firm beleiver of the person carrying the child being the one that makes the decision.

She is a very intelligent child despite her little hiccup and the boy is generally a good one, he works, pays his bills, but he is only 19 and at that age boys are just not old enough to be responsible for any thing even there own dicks

Thanks again every one for taking the time, it has helped me out no end!

Hi Le-Kinklet!

I can tell you are handling this as well as you can!

*hugs*

Honestly, I have to say, it is NOT always best for the father and mother to be married or to have legal ties at all. I have some reasons for saying that but I won't go into all that just yet.

I'm sure your daughter will make the right choices for herself, with the support of her parents.

Fury

 

[jasonlf]

If only it was that easy,,, he is even denying he is the father,, telling my daughter that she has screwed around! At this point after a long conversation between me her father and her, i thinks she is going to terminate, given the fact she wants to study forensic science, having said that the decision is still not made, she still has 24 hours for that, and as FurryFury said i am a firm beleiver of the person carrying the child being the one that makes the decision.

She is a very intelligent child despite her little hiccup and the boy is generally a good one, he works, pays his bills, but he is only 19 and at that age boys are just not old enough to be responsible for any thing even there own dicks

Thanks again every one for taking the time, it has helped me out no end!

Well, as sad as I think the ending wlll be, should the situation change, I seriously think you should get the little man for every dime he's got in child support.

 

[oddity83]

I am going with everone else on this, give her the options and alot of support. If you feel you need to do more, go beat some sence of responsibility into the boy.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Well, as sad as I think the ending wlll be, should the situation change, I seriously think you should get the little man for every dime he's got in child support.

LOL, apart from that being a negative act in that it often causes years and years of agitation and frustration, not to mention tying 3 people together who might be better off not being tied (for the child's and their sakes), the legal notion of paying child support more often than not becomes a nightmare which never sees the mother or child getting any of the money owed them. Not only that, but in Oz, which is where I and le_kinklet both are from, having legal papers saying the father has to pay often causes no end of legal and financial problems for the mother who still does not get any help. I know what I am talking about as my own children's father still owes me double figure thousands of dollars (which the government kept reducing because he wasn't paying....duh) and I have given up ever seeing it but it did cost me financially many a time even though I was not receiving it. The government has spent millions supposedly helping custodial parents such as myself get the money, but their suggestion to me and most people I know in the same position was to write off the amount he owes (legally) and let it go....of course, at the time they suggested I do that, if I had, I would have lost what little financial help I received from another government department because it would have been deemed I had not fulfiled my legal responsibility according to the government rules to try and do what I could to get the money from him thus relieving some of the responsibility of the government!!

To add insult to injury, though there were court papers he had agreed to for payment of support, and which he didn't pay, nor did he see it important to play any fatherly role in their life after the first couple of years apart, he could legally force the children to see him if he wanted (even if he owed money), and he could prevent us from moving interstate of overseas even if I remarried or found work elsewhere, on the grounds it would prevent him being able to see his children easily and at his convenience if he ever decided he wanted to.....so IMO, the legal protection was on his side and still is, not myself and our children.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

I have to say it's goes about the same here in the US. Often the money, what little you and the child see if it, is not worth dealing with the jerk. I know, again, I've been there and done that.

Fury

 

[Jay Davis]

One important point to consider is even if a father doesn't pay the child support he is owed, he can still demand visitation rights and even sue for custody. He can even pop up years later, without having been heard from in ages, and suddenly start making trouble. Having someone's baby ties you to him forever legally, or at least till the child turns 18. Sadly, this should be a consideration in making any decisions.

A former girlfriend of mine had a 12-year-old son by a man who later wound up in prison for manslaughter. She lived her life essentially in hiding from him, keeping her phone number unlisted, carefully keeping her home address and phone number off any company directories, and paying for large purchases with money orders to avoid leaving a traceable paper trail with merchants. She was a wonderful woman who'd done a great job raising her son alone, but she was never completely safe; the father had been picked up for a parole violation on the highway to the small town where she was living about 3 years before we started dating, and there was very little question where he was going or why.

I'm not saying your daughter's boyfriend is a future killer--just trying to point out that a mutual child will give him opportunities and rights to interfere in your daughter's and grandchild's lives forever, even if she doesn't pursue any child support.

And not to borrow trouble, but if he's 19 and she's 15, that is quite probably statuatory rape, depending on the laws in the state or country you live in. I'd be very leery of trusting a 19-year-old who's putting himself in a position to be a father with a 15-year-old girl--judgement is obviously not his long suit.

 

[le_kinklet]

at this point it looks like i will be informing you of what she has in about feb march next year!

 

[Kajira Callista]

at this point it looks like i will be informing you of what she has in about feb march next year!

ya know, im all for a persons right to choose when it comes to her body etc...but i dont understand your sad face smiley. babies are never bad things in my opinion, and sad faced around your daughter who decided this was the choice for her is only going to make her feel like she made a mistake...even if she didnt.

 

[le_kinklet]

ya know, im all for a persons right to choose when it comes to her body etc...but i dont understand your sad face smiley. babies are never bad things in my opinion, and sad faced around your daughter who decided this was the choice for her is only going to make her feel like she made a mistake...even if she didnt.

i am for the right to choose to, but in this case, she is hardly able to look after herself let alone a baby. And the end result is that i will be the carer, and in my physical state right now i am not able to care for a baby. I am happy, i am just not looking forward to babies again, my last child was born 12 years ago.

Just a bit of history for you! She was removed from the home 2 years ago due to her uncontrollable behavior, in that 2 years and some years b4 she has been dabbliing in all sorts of criminal behavior, she has not even finished high school she has a year 7 pass and that is it. She dissappears on a regular basis and turns up days later drug affected. And what scares me the most is that she feels she can rely on her so called friends, most of which are teen parents that have either had their children taken off them or are about to have them taken. Maybe i am to blame for this, but my second daughter is disabled and i had to look out for her first, the eldest daughters behavior was effecting the health of the younger one, with out to much detail this was getting to a point that it could of been fatal for the younger one.

My relationship with her is strained at the best of times and if the department are called in to take the child, i know that i will not see it go to a foster home, i will have to take care of it, that is just my nature, i am well known for taking in stray or needy children.

I guess the bottom line is that i can't believe it is happening to me! As most mothers would think their child would be more careful, so i suppose i am going through the motions of emotions. I sincerely hope she can cope, but my better judgement tells me she won't.

I sincerely do not mind being a grandparent but the situation is not right and at this point the father wants nothing to do with a baby. I will change my mood it is just gonna take a little time. At this point she knows none of this, i am using this forum to let it all out so i can face her with a clear mind so to speak!

 

[landcruisergal]

My mother outlaw has custody of her daughters 4 kids, youngest is 2 1/2 and a sick little kid due to being a premmie.
If nothing else, if your daughter is acopic, please, please see that she takes some longterm method of birth control after the babe is born. depo, or an implant or even an iud. If she does it once and you bail her out its will be too easy to forget her responsibilities. However the baby may change her altogether.Time will tell.
Beth would never let the kids go into care, but the nightmare of dealing with 4 littlies, 3 fathers ( who pop in a couple of times a year to demand access then disappear again), and her daughter's irresponsibility is wearing her down.
And its ruined her 2nd marriage to a lovely man who was looking forward to a quiet retirement.
Take care. LCG

 

[Sir_Winston54]

i am for the right to choose to, but in this case, she is hardly able to look after herself let alone a baby. And the end result is that i will be the carer, and (1) in my physical state right now i am not able to care for a baby. I am happy, i am just not looking forward to babies again, my last child was born 12 years ago.

Just a bit of history for you! She was removed from the home 2 years ago due to her uncontrollable behavior, in that 2 years and some years b4 (2) she has been dabbliing in all sorts of criminal behavior, she has not even finished high school she has a year 7 pass and that is it. (3) She dissappears on a regular basis and turns up days later drug affected. And what scares me the most is that she feels she can rely on her so called friends, most of which are teen parents that have either had their children taken off them or are about to have them taken. Maybe i am to blame for this, but (4) my second daughter is disabled and i had to look out for her first, the (5) eldest daughters behavior was effecting the health of the younger one, with out to much detail this was getting (6) to a point that it could of been fatal for the younger one.

My relationship with her is strained at the best of times and if the department are called in to take the child, i know that i will not see it go to a foster home, i will have to take care of it, that is just my nature, i am well known for taking in stray or needy children.

I guess the bottom line is that i can't believe it is happening to me! As most mothers would think their child would be more careful, so i suppose i am going through the motions of emotions. I sincerely hope she can cope, but my better judgement tells me she won't.

I sincerely do not mind being a grandparent but the situation is not right and at this point the father wants nothing to do with a baby. I will change my mood it is just gonna take a little time. At this point she knows none of this, i am using this forum to let it all out so i can face her with a clear mind so to speak!

Kinklet, having followed this thread from its inception but not wanting to intrude, I now find myself almost compelled to respond, particularly to the underlined portions of your post quoted above.

Underlines 1 and 4: If your physical state will not allow you to care for a baby at this time, what makes you think it will be that greatly improved in six to seven months? Neo-natal care is one of the most exhausting things a person can take on, particularly when it's not their neo-nate they're taking care of! Since you already have the responsibility for the care of your second child, which may be part of the reason you say your condition would not allow you to care for a baby now, do you expect her condition to improve enough in that six-seven months to make you "all better" enough to care for a baby?

Underlines 2 and 3: Dabbling in criminal behaviors; disappearing for days and turning up drug affected. She's not dabbling in crime. She's behaving in a criminal and uncontrolled manner. She needs more care than you can give, especially given your other daughter's condition. While this may feel shameful, it is merely a matter of reality - she needs serious, custodial, assistance to try to turn her around, whether she wants it or not.

Underlines 4-6: Your older child is, by your own admission, a danger to your younger. That merely underscores the importance of her needing some serious therapy in a controlled setting.

Bottom lines:
This child should not be taking care of a baby. She can't/won't take care of herself. For her to have and keep a baby is nearly to guarantee a tragedy, either soon after the birth or when her child gets old enough to have a child.

You don't need to be in a charge of a baby - you have enough to do with your second child.

IMO, only two of the three alternatives are remotely sensible: abortion or giving the child up for adoption. Of the two, I personally greatly prefer the latter. Let a family who wants a child, who can take care of a child, and who perhaps cannot have their own for whatever reason(s), give it a chance in life.

There is no shame in admitting that you cannot control this child, and referring her to someone who makes rehabilitating children with problems so they might have a decent chance in life. There is no shame in admitting that you could not adequately care for a baby, and that she could not, and surrendering the baby to someone who can give it a better opportunity.

As I said, however: This is my opinion, and you can take it or leave it - but you did ask for our thoughts.

 

[bridgeburner]

I'm sorry for the position your daughter has put you in, but I have to ask something:

Is it worth jeopardizing the physical, emotional and economic well-being of three people in order to spare your older daughter the possible emotional pain of having an abortion?

Having a baby and giving it up isn't necessarily any emotionally easier than having an abortion and I'd venture to guess that it's often much harder. Also, if your daughter has substance abuse issues then it's likely that she will not give birth to a healthy baby which will make it harder to adopt. Is that a risk worth taking in order to spare her feelings?

And why are you sparing her feelings? She's done something incredibly irresponsible. She's put not only her own life in danger but is also risking her sister's well-being and yours to say nothing of the child she's carrying. Some people do turn their lives around for their children, but from what you've said about your daughter's prior behavior and that of her friends I'd say the odds aren't good.

I notice that you were talking about "d-day" and perhaps that means it's too late at this point to consider terminating the pregnancy. If that's so then I wish you the best of luck. I'll send good wishes your way.


-B