I insist...er...request your feedback

[litchipking]

I ask of your time and talents. When you get the chance, I would be grateful for your comments. This has been quite a challenging storyline and I have several more chapters in the works.

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read my stories.

-Chip King

Miranda Malone's Erotic Writing Workshop - Chapter 2 JUST POSTED
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=359776


Just in case you would rather start with the first chapter, here's the link:

Miranda Malone's Erotic Writing Workshop - Chapter 1
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=355212

 

[ellynei]

Dont thank me!

Thank you.

I only had time to read the first chapter yet and that far it was amazing.

So how did this story not get high rated yet? Did you adopt your own little den of trolls?

Is there something absolutely wrong with my ability to see if something is well written or not? Cause from reading this story I don't think you are in the need of random feedback to improve. Not at the advanced stage I think you are on at the moment.

I'm not an expert, I'm a newbie and I newer took writing classes. But I have huge experience in reading, and from that background I'd say:

You are past the point of paying too much heed to swift comments in forums. It's time to move on to professional editors.

If you are still very interested in how people respond to your writing, then it's time to move on to more personal and thorough interaction with readers. So you have a better chance to discern between variety in likings and general writing technical issues, when readers comment on the DO's and DONT's they see in your writing.

This is my opinion and if anyone disagrees: Prove me wrong, I challenge you! On this thread preferably he asked for feedback, give him feedback this story truly deserves a moment of your time.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Listen." Tessa tossed her long dark hair out of her eyes and looked back over her shoulder. "Just because I said 'yes' to a goodbye-fuck, doesn't give you permission to stick your finger in my ass."

"Sorry." The strapping young stud was contrite, but quickly resumed his enthusiastic hammering of her pussy.

Look. Your first paragraph is as good a "grabber" as I've seen in a while. But then when you couple it with the second paragraph, something goes wrong.

"The strapping young stud" who the fuck is he? Tessa obviously knows him since this is a "goodbye fuck" so why doesn't he have a name? Characters have names, even minor unimportant characters. Then if you look at this, the two are having a conversation, but "the stud" is banging away onTessa. I stumbled.

Then in the third paragraph, I guess, you find out that this is what? a scene being written and the writer is thinking? This isn't really clear enough to the reader. I had to stop and reread this to get the gist of what happened with the switch.

In paragraph four you are appearantly back in the novel/story with Tessa being banged.

The switching back and forth I found disconcerting. My gut feeling is, a lot of readers would too. BACK CLICK.

There are ways you could have done this that would have worked a whole lot better. For me, this didn't.

You need to work on making your prose flow naturally. You can switch scenes but you need to let the reader know what you are doing and not leave it to him/her to figure it out.

As far as you technical writing skills, they are pretty damn good. I just think you are concentrating on making the story come out and not on what the reader will see when he opens it to read. Get that right and you'd have a winner.

 

[sr71plt]

Taking just these two paragraphs (and not knowing what future use is going to be made of the strapping young stud), I see nothing wrong--quite the opposite. Jenny seems to have an obsession about every character having a name--an obsession that isn't supported by any principle of good writing that I know of. (maybe something she picked up in the ticked "good writing" points in a half-baked "how to" book picked up down at the drugstore)

Dropping his name this early, even if he remains a principle character, is more of a background data drop before necessary (they don't both have to be named to the reader to be fucking) than good "build" writing. In fact, a good story could be written with him always being there and never being called more than the strapping young stud--to drive home the point that he's just a "good-bye fuck" and to properly--by showing--denigrate his place in and importance to the story.

There is no requirement to give a name to all of your characters--and sometimes it's better writing not to.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Taking just these two paragraphs (and not knowing what future use is going to be made of the strapping young stud), I see nothing wrong--quite the opposite. Jenny seems to have an obsession about every character having a name--an obsession that isn't supported by any principle of good writing that I know of. (maybe something she picked up in the ticked "good writing" points in a half-baked "how to" book picked up down at the drugstore)

Dropping his name this early, even if he remains a principle character, is more of a background data drop before necessary (they don't both have to be named to the reader to be fucking) than good "build" writing. In fact, a good story could be written with him always being there and never being called more than the strapping young stud--to drive home the point that he's just a "good-bye fuck" and to properly--by showing--denigrate his place in and importance to the story.

There is no requirement to give a name to all of your characters--and sometimes it's better writing not to.

The problem is, "The stud" suddenly becomes "The Cowboy" in paragraph four. Are they the same person? I assume they are.

But you've missed the point, SR. The story is still confusing the way it switches back and forth between the story and the writer.

 

[sr71plt]

The problem is, "The stud" suddenly becomes "The Cowboy" in paragraph four. Are they the same person? I assume they are.

But you've missed the point, SR. The story is still confusing the way it switches back and forth between the story and the writer.

I don't think I missed any point about your misguided, I think, frequent observations that characters need to have names. That's too simplistic, I believe.

It's true that I may not have read far enough into this to see that there might have been some problem with names--but it wouldn't be a problem with your opening comment here. Again, insisting on naming the character in the second sentence of the story who is already engaged in sex isn't all that great of an idea. What does a name mean at this point? Really?

 

[sr71plt]

The problem is, "The stud" suddenly becomes "The Cowboy" in paragraph four. Are they the same person? I assume they are.

But you've missed the point, SR. The story is still confusing the way it switches back and forth between the story and the writer.

I introduced my comment with a note that I was just taking the two paragraphs cited and your comment on those.

I don't think I missed any point about your misguided, I think, frequent observations that characters need to have names. That's too simplistic, I believe.

It's true that I may not have read far enough into this to see that there might have been some problem with names--but it wouldn't be a problem with your opening comment here. Again, insisting on naming the character in the second sentence of the story who is already engaged in sex isn't all that great of an idea. What does a name mean at this point? Really?

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I introduced my comment with a note that I was just taking the two paragraphs cited and your comment on those.

I don't think I missed any point about your misguided, I think, frequent observations that characters need to have names. That's too simplistic, I believe.

It's true that I may not have read far enough into this to see that there might have been some problem with names--but it wouldn't be a problem with your opening comment here. Again, insisting on naming the character in the second sentence of the story who is already engaged in sex isn't all that great of an idea. What does a name mean at this point? Really?

Then obviously you shouldn't have been commenting at all if you didn't bother to read the story. But what else is new?

 

[litchipking]

Thank you, Jenny. My intent was to describe Tessa's indifference to the sex that was going on. I tried to get the reader to follow her distraction in the third paragraph:

"She really should be packing, Tessa thought, instead of letting Cowboy bend her over the hood of his Mustang."

Do you think if I had used a name in the second paragraph that it would have avoided the confussion for you? I obviously didn't reach you with this beginning. Thanks for the critique.

***
sr, I hope you get the chance to read more of the story. Your comments on other stories have been very insightful.

***
ellynei, thank you again.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Thank you, Jenny. My intent was to describe Tessa's indifference to the sex that was going on. I tried to get the reader to follow her distraction in the third paragraph:

"She really should be packing, Tessa thought, instead of letting Cowboy bend her over the hood of his Mustang."

Do you think if I had used a name in the second paragraph that it would have avoided the confussion for you? I obviously didn't reach you with this beginning. Thanks for the critique.

***
sr, I hope you get the chance to read more of the story. Your comments on other stories have been very insightful.

***
ellynei, thank you again.

That would help. It's unclear the "The Stud" and "Cowboy" are the same character.

But the bigger problem is still the jogging shift between the story and the story she is writing. You need some kind of transistion there so you don't shock the reader.

Once the reader has to go back and look you'll get a back click and not vote.

JJ

 

[tickledkitty]

FWIW, I believe I had that same problem with the name thing when I read this story. Didn't I mention that to you, Chip?

The problem isn't in those first paragraphs. It's further on when he becomes the Cowboy and then even further on is mentioned by name. It's confusing.

 

[sr71plt]

Then obviously you shouldn't have been commenting at all if you didn't bother to read the story. But what else is new?

Naw, your stated point was that name problems started in paragraph two. I disagreed and said so. I don't have to read a whole story to say you are full of hooey on a point you actually focused on in what you posted. We've covered this issue before. If I think part of a stated critique opinion makes it worse than originally rendered, I feel no compulsion not to comment on that isolated point.

 

[litchipking]

What about chapter 2?

Yes TK, you did mention the name thing to me when I posted chapter one. I haven't done an edit on that chapter but am considering doing so. Thank you again (and JJ) for helping me see that problem.

JJ, I think I see what you're saying about the switching between the Miranda Malone novel excerpts and the Tessa story but you are the first to mention it. Acutally, that has been the biggest point of positive feedback from that chapter. I will go back and look at my transitions. Perhaps I can smooth them out.

I was hoping, though, to get some feedback on my newest submission - Chapter Two. The difficultly I faced was in introducing almost a dozen new characters in a short amount of time. I tried to pull it off and would like to know what you guys think.

Of course, feel free to comment on any aspect of the story you thought worked or didn't work.

Thanks again.

 

[ellynei]

It was a very clever, efficient and interesting way to introduce the class. It worked well for me. And the way you refer back to that introduction along the way so I as a reader dont have to keep them all in my head from the start: Works very well for me too.

I was not confused by the switches between 'malone's stories' and the storyline itself. But those things are ofcourse very individual so never can hurt to check up more times if any of the excerpts are likely to cause confusion.


Since you are willing to listen to some babble about what works:

I love the way the characters grow and keeps becoming more well defined along the story. In particular I enjoy the way your main character is frivolously sexually promiscous (in the scientific, not the derogatory sense) but yet is not entirely shameless. The part with her not being entirely shameless prevents her from becoming a boring insignificant stereotype.

One example of a way you presented that she is not entirely shameless was the way she said:

'Old black guy'

when she had actually dubbed him 'hot black guy' in her head.

Very good interaction between those two by the way. In that same dialogue sequence you also manage to establish some strong hints that your character is not shallow in her understanding of others. Which was a very good point to introduce at this time.

--why it was a good time to introduce that----
The focus on classification of persons through appearance, which was needed for introduction of class-members to the readers, during posing earlier. And which made absolute sense and was very good.
Would have the side effect of giving a general impression that the main char was shallow. That you dispel this impression so swiftly after the pose, remedies the situation entirely. So you get yourself a -win and another win-, instead of -gain some, loose some-. Very clever.
--explanation end---


If you'd like some more chatty from me about what works for me just gimme a PM^^.

P.S dont forget to actually have malone touch the main before the story ends, cause I've been waiting for that to happen since the interview. So make sure it becomes a case of 'all good things comes to those who wait'. And not a case of 'oh you really expected that to happen, that wasn't the plan'.

(Please )

 

[ellynei]

Oops

Oops I did one of usual flaws in expressing myself in social contexts:

aka explaining something is good by comparing it to something horrible.

So to reiterate: Your main character is very interesting.

My referral to "boring, insignificant stereotype" was to exemplify a fall pit which you have AVOIDED. Sorry for my lack of social skills.

 

[kimbalee]

I thought the introducton of the writers by first having Tessa associate them by nicknames was very smart. Giving them their names later at the social event when she has some time with each of them was a very good idea, too. I, myself, have a difficult time remembering people and sometimes have to go back a few paragraphs in a story to refresh who it is I am reading about. This didn't happen for me at all with ch. 2. I was easily able to get the gist of who was sitting there in the drawing audience watching Tessa, and was also capable of matching their nickname and real name with no problem at all.

Love the story, Chip, and can't wait for the next installment.