I heard between the branches…

[simulacre]

...that some of you regulars here on the AH speak and read French. Ok, I was actually given a list of names but I’m not going to ask anyone directly. This is on a volunteer basis, besides it would be impolite on my part to put anyone on the spot. I would really like constructive feedback on my latest story (the link is in my sig. line of course). I had quit on writing for a few years and have recently decided I not only wanted but needed to get back into it. Seriously!!!

Even though I have studied in literature, I find it hard (nearly impossible?!) to apply what I theoretically know to my own writing. Distance, perspective, you name it… I would be grateful for any help you could provide.

I took the time to ask the moderator of the « story feedback » part of the forum if I could ask there for feedback on a French story and was kindly told that I could. I might still do it but what I'm really interested in right now would be feedback from other authors, people with experience who could help me spot and work on my own failings, weaknesses, mistakes, whatever needs work or attention.

I am of course willing to return the favour if you’re interested (in case one more opinion could be useful and since although I don’t write in English, I do read it and am fluent enough to grasp subtleties… at least I think I am! ). The story discussion circle would be ideal for what I’m looking for but unfortunately there isn’t one in French (and those 3 who were going to comment on the French forum already did and since I’m an active poster there I’m not that sure that it isn’t in reaction to the image I project instead of my actual writing standing on it’s own. Yeah! Bad sentence! LOL I know).

So let me be humble and ask for your help! Don’t let the fact that I studied in literature stop you! There’s nothing like experience, theory is another ball park entirely! I can deconstruct somebody else’s text with my eyes closed but I can’t seem to do anything for my own. Did I say I was willing to beg??? Cause I am!!! Pllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where do you want me? On my knees?

Thank you in advance!

Sim

P.S. Here in this thread, regular feedback or PM, anything is welcomed! Whatever you feel most comfortable with.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Argh, that's so frustrating!

I'd love to help you, but I don't do French at all and don't know anyone who does. In fact, when I was in France, people used to gather around and try to make me talk so they could laugh at me. I probably could have charged money.

But if your problem is structural, we could probably see it in the English translation. It would be the nuances and subtleties we'd miss.

 

[NoJo]

I ran the story through Google Translate, but as usual, the results were ludicrously bad -- although I admit I could follow the narrative.

 

[sincerely_helene]

I ran the story through Google Translate, but as usual, the results were ludicrously bad -- although I admit I could follow the narrative.

Geek.

 

[NoJo]

Fuck off, cunt.

 

[sincerely_helene]

Fuck off, cunt.

Oui.

 

[simulacre]

I ran the story through Google Translate, but as usual, the results were ludicrously bad -- although I admit I could follow the narrative.

LOL I am not claiming ownership of whatever the result of your little experiment was!!!

But thanks for the effort!

 

[simulacre]

Argh, that's so frustrating!

I'd love to help you, but I don't do French at all and don't know anyone who does. In fact, when I was in France, people used to gather around and try to make me talk so they could laugh at me. I probably could have charged money.

But if your problem is structural, we could probably see it in the English translation. It would be the nuances and subtleties we'd miss.

Thank you for your kindness dr Mabeuse! I hadn't thought of translating it myself, the voice of the main character would be tricky and frankly I don't think I'm up to it.

I know some authors from the AH have posted on the French forum before and an author for whom I do critiques once in a while has told me there's a few here who actually speak French. Of course they might have limited knowledge I don't think sincerely_helene's oui would get her very far in my story although it might prove useful in some:

"oui, ouiiiiii, ouiiiiiii"!

 

[sincerely_helene]

Thank you for your kindness dr Mabeuse! I hadn't thought of translating it myself, the voice of the main character would be tricky and frankly I don't think I'm up to it.

I know some authors from the AH have posted on the French forum before and an author for whom I do critiques once in a while has told me there's a few here who actually speak French. Of course they might have limited knowledge I don't think sincerely_helene's oui would get her very far in my story although it might prove useful in some:

"oui, ouiiiiii, ouiiiiiii"!

You could follow it up with "monsieur"? Might want to check the spelling on that, though.

 

[NoJo]

Thank you for your kindness dr Mabeuse! I hadn't thought of translating it myself, the voice of the main character would be tricky and frankly I don't think I'm up to it.

I know some authors from the AH have posted on the French forum before and an author for whom I do critiques once in a while has told me there's a few here who actually speak French. Of course they might have limited knowledge I don't think sincerely_helene's oui would get her very far in my story although it might prove useful in some:

"oui, ouiiiiii, ouiiiiiii"!

Og (Oggsbashan) speaks fluent French. Let him know by PM , in case he misses this thread.

 

[simulacre]

You could follow it up with "monsieur"? Might want to check the spelling on that, though.

"Oui, ouiiiiii, ouiiiiiii monsieur!"

Now there might be a story in there ! Spelling is good, we've got two words, a little work on you and you might be up to the task soon enough! Let's add another one cunt=con.

Thank you Sub Joe, I noticed Ogg's posts on the French forum. I didn't want to impose by contacting anyone directly though. I'll wait a while to see if I have any takers!

 

[sincerely_helene]

"Oui, ouiiiiii, ouiiiiiii monsieur!"

Now there might be a story in there ! Spelling is good, we've got two words, a little work on you and you might be up to the task soon enough! Let's add another one cunt=con.

Thank you Sub Joe, I noticed Ogg's posts on the French forum. I didn't want to impose by contacting anyone directly though. I'll wait a while to see if I have any takers!

Oui, Monsieur. Ja maple con sea vu play.

 

[simulacre]

Oui, Monsieur. Ja maple con sea vu play.

LOL In my case it would be Madame or Mademoiselle and I wasn't calling you a "con" although it did seem like that didn't it?!!!

 

[sincerely_helene]

LOL In my case it would be Madame or Mademoiselle and I wasn't calling you a "con" although it did seem like that didn't it?!!!

I know you weren't. I was trying to introduce myself.

I knew I shouldn't have skipped so much french.

 

[zeb1094]

Og (Oggsbashan) speaks fluent French. Let him know by PM , in case he misses this thread.

He is currently suffering from pinkeye and will not be online for sometime. Read about it in another thread, I think it was the holiday support thread. FYI.

 

[simulacre]

He is currently suffering from pinkeye and will not be online for sometime. Read about it in another thread, I think it was the holiday support thread. FYI.

Thank you zeb1094! At this point I'm surprised that despite my own contribution to the highjacking of my own thread someone is still taking me seriously (it was just too hard to resist ). I might have to take Sub Joe suggestion after all and resort to PM.

I know you weren't. I was trying to introduce myself.

Well in that case pleased to meet you and you can call me "chatte"!

 

[simulacre]

Just a little bump to stay away from the second page... someone might still take pity on me and help me out!

 

[oggbashan]

I managed to read most of the first Lit page (as far as them taking shelter in the shepherd's hut) but my eyes aren't up to the rest tonight.

So far, it seems a reasonably well drafted story but of course I have stopped before the action starts. The premise is good and the expectation (up to that point) is well conceived. I have visions of Clochemerle...

Og

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Where were all of you when I was looking for French translators when I wrote my little French Lessons story...? !

 

[TheEarl]

I can speak French, but a fair distance from perfectly, so I could probably get most of your story, but would be unlikely to pick up on grammatical errors or tense errors.

If you need another reader aside from Ogg. In fact, sod it, I think I might read it anyhow. I'm far too out of practice with my languages atm.

The Earl

 

[simulacre]

Ahhh! Thank you Ogg for taking the time to read it! I really appreciate and wouldn't have dared ask since I learned of your condition. Take you time to finish the rest of it, I'm patient and wouldn't want you to worsen (not sure that is a word but you'll get the intent if it isn't) your condition.

The earl, I would also greatly appreciate if you could look through it, grammatical errors should be fairly non-existent in this one, Lady Cibelle has edited everything I overlooked. A second, or third, or... opinion is always welcome and one person might see something another overlooked.

Thank you both!

Sim

 

[cloudy]

I just wanted to jump in here for a sec, and welcome you to the AH. You sent me my most favorite feedback ever.

 

[oggbashan]

Finished

I managed to finish it.

A small point: the division into two Lit pages has repeated most of a paragraph from page 1 at the start of page 2.

I think that the public comments you have received have said it all - it is very well written and as a story for Literotica should be (and many of mine aren't) subtly erotic without being overdone.

It was indeed a long penance for a single stormy (in both senses) night.

I do not think that any comments from me could add improvements to the story. The few remarks that follow are very minor things for you to think about.

It is written in a literate style. That could be a minor flaw. A more colloquial French might be more accessible to a wider audience. However that wouldn't fit easily with the premise of an old man using the educated language of his youth.

I found the younger priest's reaction to be believable on one level and not on another - Was the old man confessing or boasting? He certainly went into much more carnal detail than would be necessary for a confession.

The words were there to express regret but was his heart in it? Faced with the same woman in the same situation I think he would sin again with alacrity. I would expect the younger priest to demand contrition with the confession - but then would it be a Lit story?

I repeat that the public comments are a better reflection of the impact on the Francophone community in Literotica than anything I can say.

Og

 

[simulacre]

I just wanted to jump in here for a sec, and welcome you to the AH. You sent me my most favorite feedback ever.

Thank you for the warm welcome Cloudy!

I remember that feedback, nothing constructive about it, but heartfelt! I'm glad to learn I could offer you that little something, you did after all write the story that inspired it!

SelenaKittyn, next time you need a little French help you can knock on my door, it'll be my pleasure!

 

[simulacre]

A small point: the division into two Lit pages has repeated most of a paragraph from page 1 at the start of page 2.

Yes, I did notice that but was clueless whether or not I could actually fix this since that wasn’t in the file I submitted. Is there a way I could actually fix this?

I think that the public comments you have received have said it all - it is very well written and as a story for Literotica should be (and many of mine aren't) subtly erotic without being overdone.

First, I’d like to say thank you! I do appreciate the compliment. Secondly, concerning the « many of mine aren’t » comment; I'm an advocate of the need for variety. (Besides I’ve enjoyed your stories too often to be convinced otherwise. And your stories are a good example of variety!)

The subtly erotic… I have a feeling it is more subtle than what I wanted to achieve. I felt the nature of the main character imposed limits, dictated that I favour warmth over heat, but I am not sure whether or not I’ve managed to achieve a balance. I will probably have a better idea 2 or 3 months from now when I read it again. Since it was a first attempt at writing from a male character point of view, I have to admit that there were times where I eased in the subtle for lack of references, experience (I feel like there’s a lot of words I could put here).

It is written in a literate style. That could be a minor flaw. A more colloquial French might be more accessible to a wider audience. However that wouldn't fit easily with the premise of an old man using the educated language of his youth.

You just targeted my main concern! I’m glad you brought this forward, it confirms my own feeling. Although, as you noted, that particular character allowed me to indulge in being literate, my greatest worry in posting that story was that his voice would be weighted (lourd, précieux), and might even make the read difficult for some readers. It is something I will definitely try to tone down in future stories in an attempt to reach that wider audience. I do think it is one of my flaws. That comment was precious, thank you!

I found the younger priest's reaction to be believable on one level and not on another - Was the old man confessing or boasting? He certainly went into much more carnal detail than would be necessary for a confession. The words were there to express regret but was his heart in it? Faced with the same woman in the same situation I think he would sin again with alacrity. I would expect the younger priest to demand contrition with the confession - but then would it be a Lit story?

Og, you’ve hit on more than one thing here. You’ve pushed me to reflect a little longer on why I wrote some of this the way I did. I wrote that story in reaction to my own incomprehension of the imposed vow of chastity. Frankly, I’m not sure either of them are believable as priests?! I think I wrote them as men first, who happened to be priests. It’s probably a reflection of my own beliefs and opinions. Perhaps that’s why the regrets don’t seem heartfelt. Confessing or boasting? LOL probably both. I’ve left shades of grey here, I didn’t have the answer, I didn’t know if the character had the answers. I lean towards the sin again as well. A man, a human being instead of a priest again, with uncertainties, desires, vulnerabilities is probably what I tried to achieve. As for the contrition, I had written it in the story, I couldn’t leave it there. I think I’m guilty of having developed a certain attachment for that old priest, couldn’t bring myself to impose penitence on him so I leaned towards compassion in the attitude of the younger priest. I probably let the character dictate the end, I hadn’t realised that.

Og, thank you again for taking the time to do this despite your condition! I appreciate enormously!