I have two questions.

[Kenneth19]

Okay, over the summer me and my girlfriend finally met. We fooled around and did A LOT of shit. When it came to my first time with her, she enjoyed it...I on the other hand hated it....She screamed and moaned VERY loudly in my ear each time for the whole twenty to forty seconds, there was blood, and I wasn't turned on at all! We tried numerous times, but all I was able to do was put in the head of my dick. It wouldn't go in and yes she was beyond wet enough and I took my time!...Now, I don't think I'm big at all, but she tells me often about how big I am. Well, now I'm left with two questions I must ask. Since it didn't go all the way in, I wasn't nearly stimulated enough to cum, and I did no fucking for real, am I still considered a virgin? Also, is there anything around this problem we had with me going in her?

 

[SweetErika]

Unless she's a masochist and found that particular pain arousing, she probably did not enjoy it as much as she appeared to. I won't accuse her of faking it, but you do need to consider it as a possibility.

Most people would probably say you're no longer a virgin since penetration occurred, and I'd agree with them. However, it doesn't really matter what others think, or even whether or not you're a virgin, does it?

There are some great threads on "first time" sex in The Blank Manual sticky. They have tons of good suggestions, so I'd suggest checking them out, even though you're just new to sex. The main thing is going to make sure she's fully relaxed and completely lubed (I know you said she was very wet, but the lube may not have been spread around enough, and adding more while you're fingering or using a toy on her probably won't hurt). Then keep trying, as long as you both want to.

It might not hurt to get a couple of toys: one smaller than you and one slightly larger. Encourage her to practice with them on her own and then use them as part of your foreplay. If she can get comfortable with the larger one, she'll likely eventually get comfortable with your cock.

You might also have her control the pace of penetration so she's confident you're not going to do anything to hurt her. There are lots of positions that will allow her to do this, including her on top, doggy and even spooning. She may find it helpful to have clitoral stimulation during penetration. That's often a great help to me, especially with anal, because it takes my mind off the penetration enough to relax.

You also need to address any mental or emotional barriers. Is it possible she's worried about pregnancy? Does she have any kind of history of abuse, assault or being pushed into things? Is she feeling nervous? Is she sufficiently aroused mentally?

Basically, you both need to relax and let this happen in its own time. Sex often isn't fantastic the first, third, or even tenth time we do it; it's something that gets better over time.

 

[horsie_gurl]

You might also have her control the pace of penetration so she's confident you're not going to do anything to hurt her. There are lots of positions that will allow her to do this, including her on top, doggy and even spooning. She may find it helpful to have clitoral stimulation during penetration. That's often a great help to me, especially with anal, because it takes my mind off the penetration enough to relax.

I'd say this is a great idea. Especially if it was her first time too. I've heard some ridiculous rumors about first time sex that scare people away for a long time. If she is nervous then she is probably tensing up, and whether she realizes it or not the vaginal muscles can be very strong. So no matter how wet you've got her she is basically blocking you out. Take more time to get to know each other physically. You said this was the first time you two met so why try full penetration so early. For me most of the fun is in the foreplay. Take a few tries to just get to know each other better before you try penetration sex. That way she can trust that you actually care for her and won't just try to fuck her hard the first time. Trust really is a big issue: i mean think about it, you are putting a part of your body inside of her...its not something to just do but that's my opinion.

 

[sunandshadow]

Possibly her hymen didn't completely break. That can be easily checked and if necessary repaired by a gynecologist. The recommendation for her to practice on herself with toys is also a good idea.

But, maybe you should examine your own psychology, because most men are extremely aroused during their first attempt at sex with a desirable partner even if it doesn't work very well. They might be too nervous to stay hard, but they usually feel very excited.

 

[Kenneth19]

Unless she's a masochist and found that particular pain arousing, she probably did not enjoy it as much as she appeared to. I won't accuse her of faking it, but you do need to consider it as a possibility.

She's definitely a masochist. She want me to bite her inner and outer labia and pull and nibble her clit.

Most people would probably say you're no longer a virgin since penetration occurred, and I'd agree with them. However, it doesn't really matter what others think, or even whether or not you're a virgin, does it?

Yea, but she keeps pushing the fact that I'm not one, but I still believe I'm truly a virgin because I didn't do the whole thing at all!

There are some great threads on "first time" sex in The Blank Manual sticky. They have tons of good suggestions, so I'd suggest checking them out, even though you're just new to sex. The main thing is going to make sure she's fully relaxed and completely lubed (I know you said she was very wet, but the lube may not have been spread around enough, and adding more while you're fingering or using a toy on her probably won't hurt). Then keep trying, as long as you both want to.

I always though because a female was dripping wet that it met the whole hole was...

You also need to address any mental or emotional barriers. Is it possible she's worried about pregnancy? Does she have any kind of history of abuse, assault or being pushed into things? Is she feeling nervous? Is she sufficiently aroused mentally?

Yes, I was very worried about pregnancy but she wanted to be, someone tried to rape her when she was fourteen, we both were pretty relaxed but still nervous, and I believe I wasn't aroused mentally at all.

Basically, you both need to relax and let this happen in its own time. Sex often isn't fantastic the first, third, or even tenth time we do it; it's something that gets better over time.

Definitely...Will do...I always thought that sex would be great first time around...Now, I see why lots of people don't like it...

Possibly her hymen didn't completely break.

Yea, I think I tore it. I noticed that when she sent me pictures when she went back home and I also noticed after I tried going in when I saw it hours later that her outer labia was and still is to this day wide open...Did I tear something or damage anthing?...

I'd say this is a great idea. Especially if it was her first time too. I've heard some ridiculous rumors about first time sex that scare people away for a long time. If she is nervous then she is probably tensing up, and whether she realizes it or not the vaginal muscles can be very strong. So no matter how wet you've got her she is basically blocking you out. Take more time to get to know each other physically. You said this was the first time you two met so why try full penetration so early. For me most of the fun is in the foreplay. Take a few tries to just get to know each other better before you try penetration sex. That way she can trust that you actually care for her and won't just try to fuck her hard the first time. Trust really is a big issue: i mean think about it, you are putting a part of your body inside of her...its not something to just do but that's my opinion.

Good point, we kind of rushed it anyway...

 

[SweetErika]

She's definitely a masochist. She want me to bite her inner and outer labia and pull and nibble her clit.

Fine, but that doesn't mean she enjoyed that particular brand of pain. If she was so tense that you couldn't really enter her, she probably wasn't enjoying it. Ask her to get you really aroused, then stick a big dildo up your ass with no warmup, and see how much you enjoy it.

Yea, but she keeps pushing the fact that I'm not one, but I still believe I'm truly a virgin because I didn't do the whole thing at all!

Fine, you're still a virgin, even though you put part of your penis in a vagina. If that's your prerogative, go with it.

Why does it matter whether you're a virgin or not, at all? Either way, you're still incredibly inexperienced and you've already exposed yourself to her bodily fluids. Why do you care so much, or what impact does virginity have on your life at this point?

I always though because a female was dripping wet that it met the whole hole was...

Nope. The lube needs to be sufficient everywhere and properly spread around. Dry spots can be painful, especially with condoms (hopefully you're smart enough to use them along with another reliable form of birth control if you're not ready to be a good parent for life).

Yes, I was very worried about pregnancy but she wanted to be, someone tried to rape her when she was fourteen, we both were pretty relaxed but still nervous, and I believe I wasn't aroused mentally at all.

It sounds like you have a lot going on that needs to be addressed before you try having sex again.

Yea, I think I tore it. I noticed that when she sent me pictures when she went back home and I also noticed after I tried going in when I saw it hours later that her outer labia was and still is to this day wide open...Did I tear something or damage anthing?...

The labia open and close with different levels of blood flow. They'll typically spread and swell when she's aroused, and return to their normal state when she's not. You might have torn her hymen, which is at the entrance to the vagina, but you shouldn't have damaged anything near her labia unless you were incredibly rough, scratching her, etc.

 

[DuckLover]

First off, listen to and heed what SweetErika says. She provides a LOT of really smart, accurate, and non-judgemental advice in a lot of different threads. I've learned to look forward to her comments and agree with nearly everything she says.

To avoid simply repeating her, I'll only respond to a couple of your comments that struck me:

Yes, I was very worried about pregnancy but she wanted to be,

She wanted to be what? Pregnant? If you don't actively want to be a father right now, you should probably not be having sex with a woman who wants to get pregnant.

I always thought that sex would be great first time around...Now, I see why lots of people don't like it...

A lot of people, guys in particular, expect that their first time at sex will be amazing. However, in reality sex is much like any other activity - the first time you do it, you'll probably not do it very well. Probably true the first several times. And in fact, that can be true the first time or two you do it with each new partner - everyone is a little different and likes different things. As you become more confident, comfortable, and experienced both yourself and with her, you'll have better experiences. Keep this in mind: If it was perfect the first time, what would you have to look forward to? (And there's SOOOO much more to look forward to!)

 

[Kenneth19]

If you don't actively want to be a father right now, you should probably not be having sex with a woman who wants to get pregnant.

Good point...



A lot of people, guys in particular, expect that their first time at sex will be amazing. However, in reality sex is much like any other activity - the first time you do it, you'll probably not do it very well. Probably true the first several times. And in fact, that can be true the first time or two you do it with each new partner - everyone is a little different and likes different things. As you become more confident, comfortable, and experienced both yourself and with her, you'll have better experiences. Keep this in mind: If it was perfect the first time, what would you have to look forward to? (And there's SOOOO much more to look forward to!) [/QUOTE]

I know, people talk about it so much...I hate it. lol...Good point though.

 

[CWatson]

am I still considered a virgin?

I think virginity is a state of insecurity. The question is not whether you are a virgin (or not); the question is whether it matters to you whether you are a virgin or not. And I say this as someone who, at the age of 27, is 10 years behind the curve on losing his v-card.

Srsly: the only person your virginity matters to, really, are you and your lovers (however many you end up having). And to them it only matters for the relatively practical reason of, "Can this person satisfy me?" (And let's be frank: virginity actually has nothing to do with that. Sex, like any learned skill, depends on how much you're willing to learn and adapt. Nobody comes out of the womb a good lover.) As to whether you think you're one, that depends on how you define it. I'm sure you've heard about the hypocritica Christians (so many of us nowadays) who have done everything but penis-in-vagina intercourse, maintaining that, as such, they are virgins. Those of us with brains in our heads call these people "technical virgins", because that's what they are: virgins, technically, and in name only. But hey, they think they're virgins; they act, comport themselves, describe themselves, as if they are. And hey: maybe they're right.

So, when you ask, Am I still a virgin, the only real answer is: "I dunno. Are you?" Because there's only one person on this planet who can decide that. And none of us are him.

 

[cryforme1v]

I had a similar issue with a guy i dated a few years back, although, neither of us were virgins.
He's about as round as a pop can so it took a lot of work on both of our parts in order to have sex. We would stimulate eachother for a good hour or so, he'd get me to orgasm once or twice before penetration which made entry quite a bit easier and a whole lot less painful.
I honestly think we would still be together if it werent for financial issues.

 

[Kenneth19]

Thanks, all.

 

[subwannabe]

I just have to reiterate that it really doesn't matter if you are a virgin or not. I mean, who really cares? I think it matters to you more than it matters to anyone else. Some "good women" might like to see you be a virgin when they start dating you but beyond that as you age more and more and you go out with more experienced women it would actually be more of a curse than it would be a help. I think the bottom line is it really doesn't matter what definition you want to use, you are what you are no matter how much you want to fudge around any technicalities.