I have this friend.....

[the_pet]

I have this friend who is married to a complete ass. She does everything for him. He lives like a King. He never lifts a finger (except to hit his gaming buttons). She is completely in charge of all child care physically and psychologically. She keeps the house, the kids, the yard, the cars, fuck their lives..... emaculate. She beautiful and funny and is completely ignored by this guy until he's ready to fuck. She's expected to be available to him 24/7 to help him in any capacity he needs. She works for/with him in the sense that he owns his own corp. He has successfully managed to isolate her so that she can't make friends (all her familly is dead). He keeps close tabs on her every move and if she even acts like she's exerting any independence he's quick to be abusive, overbearing and tyranical to the point she backs down because she can't take the brainwashing/torture tactics he uses to get her back in line. She has no family or friends to turn to for even mental support. The last time she mentioned leaving him he took her phone, her laptop and literally would not let her out of his sight for 3 weeks, while constantly drilling her mentally about how she was getting ready to fuck up. The few people she has confided in have told her, in case she didn't know, he's abusive. The one time she did make friends, when he found out how close they were getting, he threatened them that if they really cared about her they wouldn't contact her anymore. The friends told her they were very concerned about her well-being and then said they were afraid to call her anymore because "he" promised she'll take whatever they should get. She even secretly went to a therapist because he would have hit the roof if she told him she wanted to go. Her therapist even confided after her visits that she was basically fucked (as pleasantly as a therapist can tell you). That the guy really has quite successfully got you right where he wants you and IS going to make your life a fucking nightmare if you try and leave. He has promised her "try and leave".... She's too afraid to leave because she knows he will make good on his promises.

How do i help her cope.....outwardly everybody thinks their life is great and nobody knows how she is suffering.

 

[SubKekiLee]

I have this friend who is married to a complete ass. She does everything for him. He lives like a King. He never lifts a finger (except to hit his gaming buttons). She is completely in charge of all child care physically and psychologically. She keeps the house, the kids, the yard, the cars, fuck their lives..... emaculate. She beautiful and funny and is completely ignored by this guy until he's ready to fuck. She's expected to be available to him 24/7 to help him in any capacity he needs. She works for/with him in the sense that he owns his own corp. He has successfully managed to isolate her so that she can't make friends (all her familly is dead). He keeps close tabs on her every move and if she even acts like she's exerting any independence he's quick to be abusive, overbearing and tyranical to the point she backs down because she can't take the brainwashing/torture tactics he uses to get her back in line. She has no family or friends to turn to for even mental support. The last time she mentioned leaving him he took her phone, her laptop and literally would not let her out of his sight for 3 weeks, while constantly drilling her mentally about how she was getting ready to fuck up. The few people she has confided in have told her, in case she didn't know, he's abusive. The one time she did make friends, when he found out how close they were getting, he threatened them that if they really cared about her they wouldn't contact her anymore. The friends told her they were very concerned about her well-being and then said they were afraid to call her anymore because "he" promised she'll take whatever they should get. She even secretly went to a therapist because he would have hit the roof if she told him she wanted to go. Her therapist even confided after her visits that she was basically fucked (as pleasantly as a therapist can tell you). That the guy really has quite successfully got you right where he wants you and IS going to make your life a fucking nightmare if you try and leave. He has promised her "try and leave".... She's too afraid to leave because she knows he will make good on his promises.

How do i help her cope.....outwardly everybody thinks their life is great and nobody knows how she is suffering.

IMO, you pick up your kids and leave with whats on your back and go to a shelter and do not look back.. 12 years ago.. the same was happening with me and I had to leave with what was on my back and could fit in my car Im glad I escaped... She will be too.. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your friend..

 

[myinnerslut]

i cant imagine how hard it must be about to be in that situation, or to know about it and not know what to do.

if he were to be out of her life suddenly, ie: get arressted for domestic abuse, would she be able to financially support herself?

if somebody called the cops on him would she stand up enough for the cops to be able to do anything?

is there a domestic violence shelter anywhere nearby?

does she have the means (drivers licence and access to a car, for example) to physically get away from the house if she had to/wanted to?

 

[the_pet]

i cant imagine how hard it must be about to be in that situation, or to know about it and not know what to do.

if he were to be out of her life suddenly, ie: get arressted for domestic abuse, would she be able to financially support herself?

if somebody called the cops on him would she stand up enough for the cops to be able to do anything?

is there a domestic violence shelter anywhere nearby?

does she have the means (drivers licence and access to a car, for example) to physically get away from the house if she had to/wanted to?

no,
yes but he's pretty influential in the long wrong (she was already plopped down in front of a lawyer and told to play nice or watch what we can do, (he has an image to uphold in the community as a business owner, w/friends and his image is everything),
yes but it's rough,
yes if he doesn't get to the keys first (he will take car parts off if he thinks she has extra keys)

 

[littleone77]

As hard as it is, there really nothing you can do for your friend until she is ready for it. Those in abusive relationships need to have a catalyst to force them to want out. When that point happens for her, then she can be free from him. Until then...Just be there for her as you obviously have been thus far. Try to make the sun shine for her on the rainy days.

My mother has never had the nerve to leave her husband. As bad as it has been for her and will continue to be she has never reached the breaking point yet. Surviving is doing what you need to do despite how hard it is.

 

[the_pet]

Their D/s lifestyle complicates matters too.

 

[HottieMama]

Surviving is doing what you need to do despite how hard it is.

Love that statement. For some reason, it just "smacked me in the face," tonight.

 

[the_pet]

Their D/s lifestyle complicates matters too.

the lines blurr so easily

 

[Homburg]

Their D/s lifestyle complicates matters too.

I was wondering if this was involved.

Wish I could give you some advice, but, frankly, until she is ready, nothing will have an impact.

 

[DeservingBitch]

As others have said already, she will have to be the one to make the decision to leave her husband. And that decision is not an easy one, especially if she has reasons to fear retaliation from him -- such as threats to her life or the lives of her kids.

But there are a few things you can do for her: be a supportive friend, and be there for her when she needs you to.

You can help doing some of the work for her: like researching what resources are available around her (shelters, financial help, community organizations that work with survivor of domestic abuse, etc.).

Do what you can to provide her with or help her get access to the resources she may need to get out: such as access to a car, some short-term financial assistance, clothings, etc.

And most important of all: keep on reminding her and telling her what a great, smart, resourceful, strong, and resilient person she is. Most domestic abuse starts from and is sustained by the abusive partner destroying the self-confidence of the abused partner. You can help your friend a lot by counter-balancing what she's probably hearing constantly, ie, that she deserves what she's getting, and that she doesn't deserve any better.

It is true that it often take a trigger for women who are being abused to finally make the decision to leave the abusive situation -- but it also takes them a lot of courage to do so. Help her believe in herself and trust herself to be able to do what she needs to do for herself and her kids.

 

[LittleJade]

My ex-fiance wasn't that bad, but he was headed down that road, for sure. Isolating me from friends and family, wanting to move to an isolated town where no one would visit, wanting me to quit school to start a family and be his wife, etc. He was physically and mentally abusive as well, but never threatened anyone, thankfully.

Three days after I miscarried our daughter, I left him.

I had never told him I was pregnant, because he'd made sick comments about any future daughters he might have had.



She needs to run. Far. Fast. Take the kids. Take anything she can, but if all she escapes with is her purse and her child(ren), then tell her to go.

 

[HottieMama]

My ex-fiance wasn't that bad, but he was headed down that road, for sure. Isolating me from friends and family, wanting to move to an isolated town where no one would visit, wanting me to quit school to start a family and be his wife, etc. He was physically and mentally abusive as well, but never threatened anyone, thankfully.

Three days after I miscarried our daughter, I left him.

I had never told him I was pregnant, because he'd made sick comments about any future daughters he might have had.



She needs to run. Far. Fast. Take the kids. Take anything she can, but if all she escapes with is her purse and her child(ren), then tell her to go.

Jade..i am quoting you but what follows isn't just for you...it's for everyone...so please do not take it personally.

IT IS NOT THAT EASY. i've been there. It's been over 5 years and i will still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes shaking and sobbing from the nightmares. It is a horrible, horrible thing to know and believe that the one person that is supposed to love you has the power and desire to kill you. Eventually you become so paranoid that you suspect everyone is just like them...and that everyone wants to hurt you. But i stayed..and i obeyed. Why? Because some twisted part of my brain said that as long as i didn't piss her off anymore, that i would be safe. The problem is...i was never safe. There was always something to threaten me about...to slap me for...to take me by the shoulders and throw me into the wall... It finally ended when i completely snapped one night and hit her on the side of the head with a cordless phone after i woke up and saw her standing by the side of the bed..staring at me..watching me sleep... The 24 hours i spent in jail was worth it to be rid of her.

i'm still paranoid. i still have difficulties sleeping with someone in the same room as me. i never sleep without a phone at my side. (My ex's "MO" was to wake me up out of a dead sleep by yelling and hitting.) i've been in therapy and i have gotten a lot better. i don't think i will ever be the same person i was before i met her.

pet..i feel for your friend. The lonliest feeling in the world for me was everyone telling me i should "just leave," and no one taking the time to listen and understand why i just...couldn't.

 

[LittleJade]

Jade..i am quoting you but what follows isn't just for you...it's for everyone...so please do not take it personally.

IT IS NOT THAT EASY. i've been there. It's been over 5 years and i will still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes shaking and sobbing from the nightmares. It is a horrible, horrible thing to know and believe that the one person that is supposed to love you has the power and desire to kill you. Eventually you become so paranoid that you suspect everyone is just like them...and that everyone wants to hurt you. But i stayed..and i obeyed. Why? Because some twisted part of my brain said that as long as i didn't piss her off anymore, that i would be safe. The problem is...i was never safe. There was always something to threaten me about...to slap me for...to take me by the shoulders and throw me into the wall... It finally ended when i completely snapped one night and hit her on the side of the head with a cordless phone after i woke up and saw her standing by the side of the bed..staring at me..watching me sleep... The 24 hours i spent in jail was worth it to be rid of her.

i'm still paranoid. i still have difficulties sleeping with someone in the same room as me. i never sleep without a phone at my side. (My ex's "MO" was to wake me up out of a dead sleep by yelling and hitting.) i've been in therapy and i have gotten a lot better. i don't think i will ever be the same person i was before i met her.

pet..i feel for your friend. The lonliest feeling in the world for me was everyone telling me i should "just leave," and no one taking the time to listen and understand why i just...couldn't.

And my response isn't just for you, but for anyone else who feels they just can't.


I was afraid to leave. It took my child dying, for me to leave. It took me living through my child dying, and the father never knowing that I had been in hospital for it... for me to leave. Realizing that I had so much fear that he would find out... realizing that I had so much fear that he'd want to knock me up right away... for him to realize I was fertile... made me leave. I held on WAY longer than I should have. I went back to him when I shouldn't have. My family and friends told me again and again and again to leave... and I didn't.

It took the death of my first child.


I say this, having been there. Having understood. Having been tied to the bed and left. Having been burned by cigarettes, having been hit, having been raped, having been broken down to nothing inside.

Leave.


As hard as it is. As terrifying as it is. Leave. We will listen, and we will help... we will. I have offered my home to people who've lived through that and left their abusive partners... because I know what it's like. And I know that EVERY DAY, I am grateful that god took my child... because without her having passed, I would still be there. If I were even still alive.

 

[Pet_Trainer]

If your friend is waiting for the right time, she may be waiting forever. Sometimes, the right time is when you have everything to lose. You're friend must know she needs to get out of the relationship, but something else is stopping her. It's not the threats that's keeping her there, it's gotta be something else doesn't it ? Maybe something deep down that she hasn't told you about ?

Oh, and I know this is my first post and all. I've been lurking for a while and noticed your screen name. I couldn't help but give my 2 cents.

 

[BiBunny]

I'll probably be lambasted for my opinion (which is nothing new around here), but there's always a way. I don't care how "powerful" a person is; he'll go to sleep sometime. But that's just me, I guess. A country girl can survive and all that. *Shrug*

 

[Marquis]

And my response isn't just for you, but for anyone else who feels they just can't.


I was afraid to leave. It took my child dying, for me to leave. It took me living through my child dying, and the father never knowing that I had been in hospital for it... for me to leave. Realizing that I had so much fear that he would find out... realizing that I had so much fear that he'd want to knock me up right away... for him to realize I was fertile... made me leave. I held on WAY longer than I should have. I went back to him when I shouldn't have. My family and friends told me again and again and again to leave... and I didn't.

It took the death of my first child.


I say this, having been there. Having understood. Having been tied to the bed and left. Having been burned by cigarettes, having been hit, having been raped, having been broken down to nothing inside.

Leave.


As hard as it is. As terrifying as it is. Leave. We will listen, and we will help... we will. I have offered my home to people who've lived through that and left their abusive partners... because I know what it's like. And I know that EVERY DAY, I am grateful that god took my child... because without her having passed, I would still be there. If I were even still alive.

I think this is pretty much where it's at.



To be honest, the only thing that really freaks me out about this situation is the guy's unwillingness to let her make friends and particularly to see a therapist. I've never had an issue with any of my subs discussing our relationship with their friends or seeing therapy. If anything, I've had more of a problem with their secrecy about our relationship or unwillingness to participate in counseling.

I have disapproved of certain friends of my subs however, and in such a situation I do expect our relationship to be a higher priority than her relationship with the friend in question. Even so, I have never made ultimatums on that regard, merely expressed my opinion and expected it to be respected.

I don't see why this women being beautiful and funny has anything to do with anything. If she was plain and boring, would that make her deserving of this treatment?

I also don't see how it is that he's ignoring her, but seems to be sexually interested in her and have the time to keep tabs on her all day. There are lots of subs out there with husbands who would rather jerk off to internet porn and couldn't give less of a fuck what their wives are doing that would kill for this shit.

But like I said, refusal to see counseling is a deal-breaker for me. If you're at the point where you want to see counseling with the person, obviously you have some pretty serious problems and care enough to give it a shot. If your partner won't get on that boat they should be tossed overboard.

 

[RJMasters]

First move, go get an ID, photo ID preferably in her maiden name using birth certificate.

Second move, Set up a PO box in her maiden name.

Third Move, Then go to a different bank and create a seperate account in her maiden name only. Make sure she uses the PO box for the account. Begin putting money in it when ever she can.

If she is part owner of any of the vehicles, find the pink slip and know where it is at a moments notice. If not call the DMV and ask them how she can get her name added to the car's title. When she fills out the paper work make sure she uses her new PO Box address so any mail will be sent there. She should do the same with the house if she can. While she is his wife, she has the ability to legal do certain things, she should do what she can while in this position. When the new titles come, make sure she gets certified copies of them.

Go to a nearby town and find a female lawyer and explain the situation to her, ask her to help get a set of divorce papers ready. Pay in cash only, have the lawyer keep the papers ready. Ask her what the proceedure is for a restraining order so that she will know.

When she is ready to jet, she lowers the hammer down hard and fast with no mercy and no looking back. She leaves with the kids, goes to the bank and withdraws as much money as she can, and goes puts it in her other bank account. She then drives to the lawyer pays her to serve the divorce papers and files a temporary restraining order.

The restraining order is mostly a diversionary tatic as your friend should never go back to the house again and it will A) Cause him to be running around trying deal with that issue, B) establish a legal paperwork that documents that you feel threatened by him and unsafe, that will help later on.

She then disappears and lives off of the money she has in the bank account. Never use her old bank cards or ID as he will be able to find out where those cards were last used. Don't get rid of them, just don't use them.

She can get the PO box to forward her mail to her where ever she goes.

The bottom line is she has to decide if she is planning to stay on the run forever or if she plans to legally get a divorce. Because there are kids involved, the court will have a lot to say in regards to what she can and cannot do. If he fights for join custody and gets it or even visitation rights, the court will have a say in where she is going to live with those kids. Currently there is not documented proof of abuse except perhaps the restraining order. If he has a good reputation in the community, I don't see the courts not willing to grant him certain rights where the kids are concerned.

he is not going to give your friend's freedom, she is going to have to take it back. Which means if she is going to decide to do that, she must also realize that she is taking it upon herself to be responsible for her own freedom. My advice, is get a gun and learn how to use it. She may not like or want to hear that, but too bad. There are certain realities she is going to have to accept. If she knows he is capable of hurting or killing her, then she needs to use any means neccessary to protect herself, starting with legally get restraining orders in place, and then having and knowing how to use a gun in order to protect herself in case he does not want to obey the law and stay away.

Bottom line is, she better be prepared to go all the way. If he is willing hurt or kill her in order to keep her under his control, then she better be willing to hurt or kill him to gain her own freedom. That is the only way it will work.

Regardless of what she does, she should at least do the first three moves so that she gives herself a better chance regardless.

 

[DVS]

Total control, i.e. not letting her have friends or family to the point of actually confronting potential friends to scare them away, always watching her to be sure she does just as she is told to do, threatening abusive actions if she doesn't do as she's told, controlling access to the outside world via car, phone and Internet are all signs of a controlling and abusive mindset. There is nothing even remotely akin to D/s, or any other aspect of BDSM in this kind of thinking. He's a Sociopath.

This man has very little self asteem so he gains emotional satisfaction by belittling and totally controlling others. I'd wonder what his corprorate mentality is like. It's possible he's the same way, but maybe to a lesser degree, in the workplace. He sees the company as an image of himself. If that image is tarnished, it could reflect badly in a financial way.

This drives his corporate control, but it obviously also bleeds over into his home life, too. He needs to be king. He just doesn't want it...he NEEDS it. And because he needs it, he will use any resource available to him to get it and keep it.

Understanding his mind will help with her sanity. Just reacting to his constant demands keeps him in control. Understanding what fuels them, she could eventually anticipate his actions and then find a weakness she can use against him. Not against him physically, but mentally, in her own mind. Develop a shield to his abuse.

This helps her handle his abuse without cowering in fear. The more she develops her shield, the stronger she gets emotionally. Her individual personality returns and she is better equiped to make judgement decisions about her life and a way out of his control.

I suggest you read up on how Sociopaths think and this will give you possible options to help her cope with his controlling ways. The first step is to get her the confidence she needs to find a way out of his control. Understanding the ways of the Sociopath will help.

Don't anybody confront him. That will only allow him to key in on what you have planned. Just silently help her gain the strength she needs to make the choice to save herself and her kids, and get out.

The second step is to keep him away from her. Because he has power, you aren't going to be able to do this on your own. Seek out the help of someone who knows how to do this. I'm sure there are people who do this. She isn't the first woman to be in this situation. She needs to be somewhere that he can't find her to feel safe. Obviously, if he finds her, the situation could turn ugly very fast. So, before you make your move, be sure you've found such a place.

Sometimes, the best way to hide is to be out in the open. Check with local TV stations to see if they can help with her getting away to safety. In return, you allow them to film the whole thing for a story. If he is in the corporate world, being nasty could damage his business. And, being nasty on TV wouldn't be in his best interest.

But, that doesn't mean he won't try. When you do make your move, be sure any of her family or friends are safe, too. If he can't get to her, they will be his next target. He won't give up. It will be scary, too. But, think of the alternative. What kind of life does she have now? And how is it affecting the kids?

 

[Kajira Callista]

I dunno...sounds like a pretty ok M/s relationship ta me.

 

[Pet_Trainer]

Total control, i.e. not letting her have friends or family to the point of actually confronting potential friends to scare them away, always watching her to be sure she does just as she..... <clipped>

I couldn't have said it better myself. However, what I don't understand, and maybe someone here can help me to understand, how a person feels THAT trapped. UNLESS there was some sort of threat of physical harm or possible imprisonment maybe ?

 

[nh23]

I have no idea how she can get out, but I've seen some good suggestions so far. My fear would be that if she doesn't move and get out soon that this could all end up like a bad lifetime movie. With her either killing him to get away, of him killing her.

 

[BiBunny]

I have no idea how she can get out, but I've seen some good suggestions so far. My fear would be that if she doesn't move and get out soon that this could all end up like a bad lifetime movie. With her either killing him to get away, of him killing her.

See, were it me, somebody's brains would've already been splattered all over the pillow, courtesy of a double-barreled shotgun, and the body disposed of, suitably weighted, in some creek or other. But then I'm a mean bitch.

 

[Marquis]

See, were it me, somebody's brains would've already been splattered all over the pillow, courtesy of a double-barreled shotgun, and the body disposed of, suitably weighted, in some creek or other. But then I'm a mean bitch.

Ha ha ha......

yeah.

 

[the_pet]

...great advice from all as usual

 

[HottieMama]

I couldn't have said it better myself. However, what I don't understand, and maybe someone here can help me to understand, how a person feels THAT trapped. UNLESS there was some sort of threat of physical harm or possible imprisonment maybe ?

Fear is paralyzing at times.