I have been thinking about TPE lately.

[Desdemona]

Like all aspects of BDSM, I suspect there are wide variations in how TPE is played out within relationships.

Whether you are in a TPE or not, what does it mean to you?

What minor decisions, if any, are left to the sub's discretion?

How do you work it out if/when there is significant disagreement about an issue?

How does this differ from a Master/slave relationship?

I'm interested in perspectives from both sides of the power exchange.

I'm off to heal the sick and afflicted now, but will check in later to see what kind of discussion arises.

 

[manofsteel52]

I'm off to heal the sick and afflicted now, but will check in later to see what kind of discussion arises. [/B]

Please pardon my ignorance, I'm not well versed in the area of BDSM & such... but what is TPE?

 

[SexyChele]

Re: Re: I have been thinking about TPE lately.

Please pardon my ignorance, I'm not well versed in the area of BDSM & such... but what is TPE?

TPE = Total Power Exchange. A 24/7 relationship.

Hope that helps!

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Manofsteel - TPE is total power exchange.

The dictionary thread might help you understand more of the acronyms we use here. I'll put the link below.

http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=103437

Also, as I've not seen you around before, let me say welcome. There are lots of useful threads of information on this forum, have a look around, ask questions, we answer.

Des, I'll be back after I've had my coffee to give my answers to your questions....

dixi

 

[Sandia]

I admire people who are doing it, but I have to say 24/7 scares me.

I can't imagine being in a relationship where I had that much control.

I can't imagine a relationship lasting where both parties can't say, "Look, I screwed up," or "Look, what you just did was wrong. Apologize."

Every real person I've met has moments of insecurity, doubt, anxiety...

Just my two cents.

 

[Quint]

My instinctive thought was "couldn't do it." The justification for this is, there are lots of aspects to my personality. Though it seems unlikely at this point, there are times when I don't want to be Quint the quasi-masosub. Sometimes, I want to cuddle. Okay, don't go making that kind of judgement--your mileage may vary! I'm not sick! I was once like you!

Okay, silliness over. The thing is, while until maybe even so far as last night I'd thought that there is no way to reconcile the smoochies and the cuddles with a TPE relationship, now I'm not so sure. The more I learn about T--not only what he's capable of but what he sees as the natural way of having a relationship--the more I think that essentially this WILL be how ours goes. It's no longer "scening" or "going into character." It's just us. I'm shocked and delighted. He is taking all of me as one person, not as a group of roles. It's so much more genuine than anything I thought possible.

I may be wrong on the next step which is that, perhaps unconsciously, this will be a TPE relationship. By refusing to separate the sub from the woman, T is removing the barrier of "okay, got that out of my system, let's go back to normal." Really, he's taken "normal" out of our vocabulary. So the power exchange will always be there. That's not a question. However, will it be total, always? I'll get back to you on that one.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Whether you are in a TPE or not, what does it mean to you?

To me TPE is what its defined as Total Power Exchange. Now I don't feel that in my relationship its possible to have. As most here already know, I'm married to Master, and he's in the US military. The times he is away, I have to have the power to make all the decisions. However, when he's here he has final say in the things he wants to have final say in. (If that makes sense)

What minor decisions, if any, are left to the sub's discretion?

For us Minor decisions, are things like the mundane everyday type things, ie. what to fix for dinner, kids needing school supplies, things like that. Things that would otherwise take away from his time needlessly.

How do you work it out if/when there is significant disagreement about an issue?

Still working on this one. We are new to this, so we still have the occasional disagreement. I am and always have been an independent woman in my "vanilla" life, extremely strong willed. This is one of the things that I struggle with now. I guess you could say I'm closer to being a bratty sub.

How does this differ from a Master/slave relationship?

I have no personal knowledge of this one. I could go by what I've read on the subject but I'm assuming you want personal answers.


Sorry for breaking it down this way, but I do better answering questions in order than just rambling on and on. Hope I gave you what you were looking for. If not, ask me more questions. I'll answer to the best of my limited experience, and growing knowledge.

dixi

ps great thread Des

 

[Desdemona]

Thanks for the responses. I really appreciate the opportunity to learn more by peaking into your lives. You are all giving me food for thought and so far you are validating some of my assumptions.

Welcome to our little corner of Lit, manofsteel52.

 

[artful]

Des

I have wanted to respond to this thread since you put it up, but hesitated because, I don't want OTHERS to think THIS is the ONLY way they can have a TPE.

I can only define TPE as it applies to MY relationship with a sub. It won't be found elsewhere in an accepted dictionary definition.

A "Total Power Exhange" relationship to ME,...is one where there is an ABSOLUTE trust from the sub, for me to make the FINAL decision on matters where
there MAY be disagreement.

ABSOLUTE trust does not mean she trusts me absolutely in EVERY,....*THING*. It means that if I have made a decision,...that DECISION stands. There is no arguing or bickering about it.

Can we have another open discussion about it? Yes,...and I MAY change my mind,...IF there is NEW information that was not available prior to my decision.

She has a duty to INFORM me of what she HONESTLY thinks, the reasons she thinks that way, and not witholding any information that may have bearing on my decision.

Once we have discussed the issue, I may make a decision THEN,...wait to gather more information before deciding, or,...*ALLOW* her to make the decision.

Once again,...~Control~,...is the ISSUE. No matter what,...I expect her to ACCEPT my decision as FINAL. (Sure,...I fuck up,...make wrong decisions,...like ALL people)

That is where the ABSOLUTE trust comes in. She knows I am imperfect, and I will make mistakes, but she also feels that I have done my BEST to not make a mistake.

Depending on how well I do my duty, I will gain further trust and respect, or the relationship will fail.

It's mostly trial and error,when a relationship is first initiated and entered upon.

Baby steps are NEEDED, but as relationships develope, discussions are entered into, decisions are made, and hopefully,...progression follows.

To ME,...TPE is 24/7. Does that mean I control EVERYTHING? No,...but IF,...I have made a decision on a matter, it WILL stand.

Do we have to live in the same house,...NOPE!
Do we have to see each other everyday,...NOPE!
Do we have to talk to each other every day,..NOPE!

The above is(JMHO)but it's mine,...and I own it!

 

[Desdemona]

Art, thank you for your thoughtful post. It is helpful to see another version of how TPE can work in a relationship.

 

[artful]

Des

Art, thank you for your thoughtful post. It is helpful to see another version of how TPE can work in a relationship.

Believe me,...there are as many variations as there are couples involved in them. There are not any SET rules that must be adhered to by BDSM'ers.

Keep Thinking Des!

 

[Daddyslilpet]

More ideas?



bump

 

[artful]

Dixi

More ideas?

My IDEA is just my opinion,...but I see your relationship with your Master,(hubby), as a TPE relationship.

Of course it's just my opinion,...but from what I know of you, if he said to not post on Lit for a week,...you wouldn't post on Lit for a week.

Why? Because you TRUST, in that he wouldn't ask you to do something, JUST to show his authority. He would have a good reason behind it, and you know it.

Hell yes,...your curiosity would burn a hole in your brain waves,...you would want to know WHY,...
but if he said,..."Trust me on this Dixi",...you would do as he requested.

Am I wrong?

 

[Desdemona]

anyone have more ideas?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Dixi, I know you've been told this, but I just love your av!

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Re: Dixi

My IDEA is just my opinion,...but I see your relationship with your Master,(hubby), as a TPE relationship.

Of course it's just my opinion,...but from what I know of you, if he said to not post on Lit for a week,...you wouldn't post on Lit for a week.

Why? Because you TRUST, in that he wouldn't ask you to do something, JUST to show his authority. He would have a good reason behind it, and you know it.

Hell yes,...your curiosity would burn a hole in your brain waves,...you would want to know WHY,...
but if he said,..."Trust me on this Dixi",...you would do as he requested.

Am I wrong?

Art - Your insight, as well as your opinion are right on the money. I too want to class my relationship with Master as TPE. Thank you for confirming what I already knew to be true.

You are not wrong here. My trust in Master is all inclusive, by that I mean I not only trust him to make good sound decisions, but also I trust him with my love.

Thank you Art. You are one in a million to me, my friend....

dixi

 

[lasavane]

My relationship with my husband is much like Dixie and her husbands relationship. He does not micromange my every move, but the bottom line is that if there is an issue over something large or small, he has the final decision. He does usually want my input especially in larger issues, but my input is more of a tool he uses to evaluate the situation not necessarily the final answer. That being said, he *does* sometimes do things my way, but only because he agrees with it or he wants to give me my way, not just because it is what i want.

lasavane

 

[MsWorthy]

My interpretation of TPE is literal. A total power exchange means giving up all of your personal power. This means your dom/me has total control over everything you do. What you wear, where and when you go outside the home, where you work and if you do, what you cook and how much you eat, where and when you shop, how much money you spend, etc.

In my opinion, being in a TPE is living a master/slave relationship (as much as it is possible to be a slave, since one can always leave - whether you chose to leave or not is a different matter).

TPE is different from 24/7 in that 24/7 indicates that the power exchange runs throughout your relationship, regardless of how much power has been exchanged; it is more than sexual, but not necessarily a TPE. TPE means total control, all of the time, about everything. My relationship is 24/7 but not TPE. Been there, done that; it isn't for me. I have no interest in making, what I consider to be, mundane decisions. I have no interest in choosing what my partner will wear each day. I have no interest in trying to figure out whether she feels bloated and wants to wear something baggy, or is just in a mood to wear blue that day. I have no interest in having my partner call me from the store to tell me ham is on sale and ask if she can buy it (although this does come up sometimes because I have a budget that she must stay within, not because she can't buy ham if it isn't on the list).

I have noticed, online, that many people seem to want to call their relationship TPE. TPE seems to be at the top of some silent, not-spoken-of hierarchy in bdsm relationships. I understand this desire to be at the top of any hierarchy (I am dominant *lol*), but there really isn't a hierarchy, and trying to mold your relationship into someone's idea of what a bdsm relationship should be, will only make you feel like a "fake" or feel that you don't really have a bdsm relationship if yours doesn't fit the popular model. You really can pick and choose what fits for you and your partner and still be a bdsmer.

In my opinion, if you have a PE of any kind, then you have bdsm. If you find people who think like you do, want some of the same things you do, do some things like you do, you fit into the group. Some people will always disagree with your definition of "things," that doesn't mean that one of you isn't real or true.

BDSM has three parts; b/d, d/s, and s/m. There is a continuum for each, ranging from mild to extreme. If you have any of these - at any level - operating in your relationship, you have bdsm.

~bdsm isn't a race or a competition to win~

 

[spankableBelle]

i wish...

i had things, thoughts, opinions, experiences to contribute to discussions like this...but i have to say that i learn so much from all...

And Artful, You remind me of someone very special to me...thank You for bring a smile to my face in Your posts...

belle

 

[Daddyslilpet]

My interpretation of TPE is literal. A total power exchange means giving up all of your personal power. This means your dom/me has total control over everything you do.

I agree with you to a point here. However, giving up total power and the Dom/me accepting all aspects are two different things, in my opinion. By this I mean, can't a Dom/me choose with parts s/he wants to control, ie the clothing, meals, etc.? Does TPE have to mean the Dom/me takes all power/decisions on their shoulders? Or can it mean that a Dom/me may delegate those things s/he feels are a waste of his/her time to the sub to handle?

I don't feel I'm trying to "win" anything by stating that I'm in a 24/7 TPE relationship with Master. As you said I think its open to individuals to decide for themselves.

I do agree that PE of any kind makes it a BDSM relationship.

Of course these are my opinions, and I thank you for yours. You gave me something to think about.


dixi

 

[cindy4u]

Good thread !

Just my opinion, but from the Dom/me point of view wouldn't telling the sub what to do 24/7 down to the most trivial detail be a pain? Surely it would take a huge amount of time?

J & C

 

[MsWorthy]

Good thread !

Just my opinion, but from the Dom/me point of view wouldn't telling the sub what to do 24/7 down to the most trivial detail be a pain? Surely it would take a huge amount of time?

J & C

It was a "pain" for me, Cindy, and it did take an extraordinary amount of time (for something as simple as what she will wear that day). I am a control freak, but I am not the biggest control freak on the block. *smiles*

 

[MsWorthy]

I agree with you to a point here. However, giving up total power and the Dom/me accepting all aspects are two different things, in my opinion. By this I mean, can't a Dom/me choose with parts s/he wants to control, ie the clothing, meals, etc.? Does TPE have to mean the Dom/me takes all power/decisions on their shoulders? Or can it mean that a Dom/me may delegate those things s/he feels are a waste of his/her time to the sub to handle?

I don't feel I'm trying to "win" anything by stating that I'm in a 24/7 TPE relationship with Master. As you said I think its open to individuals to decide for themselves.

I do agree that PE of any kind makes it a BDSM relationship.

Of course these are my opinions, and I thank you for yours. You gave me something to think about.


dixi

If you feel you have a TPE, then you have one. I simply take it literally, Dixi. My intention is not (in the least) to tell others what they do or do not have in their relationships. I just don't see the point in calling it total if it doesn't incorporate everything (total).

If your dom/me has an opinion on every aspect of your life, then it is TPE. That doesn't necessarily mean she/he has to make every decision, every day, but it does mean that you can not choose. You have her/his guidelines on everything you do. This is TPE, to me.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Thank you MsWorthy.....I see where you are coming from.

As I said you just made me think, which isn't a bad thing at all.


dixi

 

[Desdemona]

Thanks for the interesting discussions. I'm learning so much from you all.

 

[Sandia]

I agree with this:

...there really isn't a hierarchy, and trying to mold your relationship into someone's idea of what a bdsm relationship should be, will only make you feel like a "fake" or feel that you don't really have a bdsm relationship if yours doesn't fit the popular model. You really can pick and choose what fits for you and your partner and still be a bdsmer.

Thank you Ms. Worthy.

And Belle, you do have thoughts, opinions, and experiences to share.

Share them!