I have a question

[Amora]

Hi Everyone

I'm very new here, in fact this is my first time posting. I have to admit that a little of the BDSM lifestyle does a appeal but I was wondering just how far the dom/slave situation extends outside the bedroom (Ok, I know that's not the only place. )

I mean, does the slave relinquish all control or is it simply in the sexual realms of their life? Is every sexual encounter d/s or are some the more usual form? I guess what I'm asking is is it truly an all or nothing type of thing?

I guess for me this is all something very new, and I'd just like few questions answered. Hope no-one minds.

Thanks

Amora

 

[the captians wench]

Hi Everyone

I'm very new here, in fact this is my first time posting. I have to admit that a little of the BDSM lifestyle does a appeal but I was wondering just how far the dom/slave situation extends outside the bedroom (Ok, I know that's not the only place. )

I mean, does the slave relinquish all control or is it simply in the sexual realms of their life? Is every sexual encounter d/s or are some the more usual form? I guess what I'm asking is is it truly an all or nothing type of thing?

I guess for me this is all something very new, and I'd just like few questions answered. Hope no-one minds.

Thanks

Amora

Welcome Amora.

To answer your question, it depends. *giggles*

I have a friend who only uses her d/s relationship for sex. She believes her submission should not leave the bedroom. While I have another friend who doesn't make a single decision with out her master's aproval.

Me I'm some where in the middle, but mostly I think that has to do with the fact that we are so far apart from each other. It's just not feezable for me to consult him before I make a choice in certian day to day matters. When at all posible I do ask for his aproval on what I wear out, and I got his opinion on what phone I should buy reciently (tho that wasn't really something I had to just take his advice on and deal with, more of coming to a choice together thing).

I have some restrictions on me, like I'm not allowd to cum with out his permission unless he's given me free passes. And he's added a daily rutine of exersize for me (How he makes a new years resilution to torture me more equals me having to do push ups and sit up I still haven't figured out!).

I think a very common misconception is that you have to be a slave to your master in every way 24/7 no breaks, no free will, his word is law type thing. Along with the whole "you can't be spanked unless you're being punished so you have to act out to get something you really want and something he really wants to do to you" thing. The truth of the matter is, BDSM is like anything else, you make it yours. If you are submissive but don't like pain, it's okay you find a dom who's not all that hung up on leaving welts on you. If you're a dom who isn't sadistic that's okay too, pamper your subbie all you like. If you enjoy being spanked and he likes to spank you then hell do it every chance you get, you don't need a reason. Just like any relationship you find out what works for you, and fuck what anyone else thinks.

Now having said that, I know there are a few of us around here who will tell you we are always slave to our Master, wheither he's there or not. He's always in our mind and in our hearts, and we know what he would like for us to do. So you see, his influence is always there, even if he's not.

I hope this helps some. i can't use "it's early" as an excuse for not making since as I actually got to sleep in today and I've still been up for 2 hours (it's 6:30a here).

 

[Netzach]

That's one of those glorious things that's really up to you. What fits with how you want to live? There will be people who will tell you how wrong you are all the time, but if it sounds right on some core level, it probably is right for you.

If you long to be a complete and total slave every waking minute, there's someone out there who will want that for his/her reality as an Owner.

If you want to just be a slave when the front door closes, there's someone who'll be on board with that and long for the same thing.

If you just want to be "a slave" when the *bedroom* door closes, there'll be people on board with that, too. And most combinations between. It's a really broad spectrum.

 

[Toa_lin]

and then, you even have those couples that they're Dom/sub only most of teh time in teh bedroom. Sometimes they have sex teh normal way....

I speak form personal experience, cus me and my pyl are one of those couples... You see, when we're in the mood to fuck, tis BDSM time... When in the mood to make love, well, it's as the name suggests, we make love.... In both cases i end up being a bit more dominan tnad she a bit more submissive, but I don't always control her...

The thing is, the mood to just make love.... is pretty rare for us. So, 90% of the time, I'm in control, and sometimes otuside of the house, sometimes not... THe best part of this lifestyle is, no-one can make any true blck-and-whites... Nothing is set in stone. Since it's all about being yourself, not nescesarily what society dictates.

 

[liberatedslave]

Then of course there are switches, who play around with their 'rules' all the time. You don't have to be limited to one role if you don't want to. Personally I'm a true sub and I'd feel ridiculous trying to dominate or control anybody but it's all different strokes for different folks. Whatever your personal mix of D/s, there'll be somebody out there who's happy to complement you.

 

[lne_iii]

That's the greatest thing about all of this...

So many options!

You just need to discover for yourself, if you don't know already...
What you want/do not want.

And have fun doing so!!!

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... I mean, does the slave relinquish all control or is it simply in the sexual realms of their life? Is every sexual encounter d/s or are some the more usual form? I guess what I'm asking is is it truly an all or nothing type of thing?

Sex is sex. D/s (Domination and submission) is a relationship dynamic involving the consentual exchange of power between individuals. You can have a D/s relationship and never have kinky sex. You can have kinky sex and never touch a D/s relationship. While they are certainly not mutually exclusive, they are vastly different things and should not be confused by trying to mash them together.

If you and your partner want to have lights out, missionary position sex all the time and that makes both of you happy, rock on. If you want to play power exchange games in the bedroom, that's fine too. If you want to follow his commands in all things at all times, please do so. It's up to you and your partner to determine your needs and desires, and to work together as a team to fulfill them together. It's not all about you, nor is it all about your partner.

It's a relationship, with all that relationships mean. It means work, it means communicating honestly and openly, it means listening, sometimes it means compromising in some areas to get what you need in others. Slapping the labels Dominant on one person and submissive on another doesn't change the humanity of those involved, nor does it impart special knowledge, wisdom or abilities on those who claim the mantel of Dom or sub.

As for "all or nothing"? Well... I wrote an essay about that once. You can find it here on the Leather and Roses web site. I hope you find something of use for you there!

 

[Vessira]

My thoughts from my own experiences on being a slave vs. sub:

When I first tried looking for a BDSM relationship, I knew I was submissive, but I was very clueless as to what to expect. I can be an extremely headstrong and stubborn woman who is used to having her way so a frequently was conflicted about the idea of submitting to someone, even though I knew how much I enjoyed it. My first BDSM relationship was a Master/slave relationship. I knew going into it that it probably wasn't right for me. My Master was very kind to me, but we had a number of communication issues, and often I never knew what was and was not really expected or allowed. In the beginning it was nice, as my submissive needs were being met for the first time. But I could never wrap my head around needing his permission to do stuff (especially because he wasn't around that much), or he had specific ways he wanted me to do things that I thought were silly and ridiculous. I was always afair to ask for things that I wanted. Not to mention my occasional switch side came out when I didn't want to do things his way, but my own and I'd get terribly unhappy. The relationship ended about 6 months later. Granted, every Master has their own set of rules, things they expect, etc. But being a slave (for me) was far more of a "commitment" in terms of serving the other person. You focus in not on your own wants, desires, etc but rather the desires of your Master. Your purposed is to do things simply because it pleases him. I'd say if that's enough to make you happy, then being a slave might probably be the best choice.

In my sub relationships, I've made sure to assert myself as "independent" outside of the bedroom for the most part, although I know I can often go into a sub headspace when it comes to other aspects of my life. My current partner has no problems asserting his will when he wants something, and I enjoy pleasing him. But I'm much happier being a sub and I find it easier to speak up about my likes and dislikes and whether my needs are being met. As a slave, I always felt like I couldn't do that. In my sub relationship, if I'm having a bad day and don't feel like performing, I'll just say so, rather than be miserable and do something because that's what's expected of me.

Of course, this is just for me personally. In some ways I still find the concept of surrendering myself over to a person completely very alluring and freeing, but I just can't do it on a 24/7 type basis.

When it comes down to it, a title is only that. Its the person that you're with and the rules and boundaries you set together that define your relationship. Honestly, I think the best thing to do would be to write out a list of what your goals are, what you want from a relationship, what hard lines you have as to how much control of yourself you'd give someone, and maybe the soft lines you're unsure about. Then when you find a partner, you can discuss all these things. If you think you'd like to be tied up every time you have sex, but he's more of a once in a while person, it's better to know that going in so you can see if a compromise can be reached. If you like pain, but dislike humiliation, then you'll probably want to find someone who'll match you there. If you want to be dominated every night, but he's more of a once-a-week person, that's good to know.

So how much of the time would you want to be under someone else's control? Every now and again? Most of the time? All of the time? How much control would you give them? Control just in the bedroom? Control of how you dress? Control of who your friends are? What things do you need to be happy? Start from there. You won't figure out everything right away, and often times you'll need to try different things before you find the right fit. Just try to be as open about it as possible so you can freely discuss your thoughts and concerns. Remember that even if you do become a slave, there are still two people in the relationship and two people who's needs must be met if they relationship is going to work and be a happy one.

Best of luck to you.

 

[bronntanas]

Then of course there are switches, who play around with their 'rules' all the time. You don't have to be limited to one role if you don't want to.

I wouldn't saw we "play around with our rules all the time" as if we're fickle children. (This reminds me of the way bisexuals are viewed in some parts of the glbt community.) Some switches are perfectly happy switching roles, sometimes within the same period with the same partner. Many of us do not. We have specific ways in which our switches operate. Our rules don't change on a whim. For example, I haven't met a man a who inspires my Dominant side. It doesn't matter how submissive a man is, or how kinky he is. At this point in my life, it doesn't even matter if if he fits every bit of my sexual ideal except that, he still won't inspire me to Dominate him no matter how submissive he is. I just get no response outside of friendship. If a man tweaks my interest sexually, he's usually somewhat Dominant, even if it's not overt. Rarely am I interested in just some guy, though I do like to look.

Some women inspire my Dominant side but it's rare, and many women inspire my submissive side. But I've found that my desires don't switch for the same woman. I don't desire to serve Kat (my Domme) and then the next day, desire to Dom her. It just doesn't work that way for me. I don't "play" around at being a switch, both sides of my personality are very real, somewhat serious and definately NOT a game.

 

[callinectes]

A others have said, it is what you want it to be. There is no wrong way..there is only what is right for you and your partner. Also, don't get hung up on labels..they don't really mean a thing. Just keep an open mind and enjoy the exploration!

 

[DelaynaDee]

For me it entirely depends on the partner. I've been with a guy I'd sub to in bed in a heartbeat, but he couldn't take charge of anything outside the bedroom.

On the other hand, I've had such a dynamic relationship with a guy that our dom/sub fun left the bedroom and extends to our everyday lives.

To me, it's not just what you want. It's what feels natural with each individual person. If you're like me, your preferences will change slightly with your partner.

 

[marieR19]

Mainly just posting to agree with everyone else. lol It's really a personal choice, what feels right for you... I know when I first got into this lifestyle, I was so sure I wanted to be a full-time 24/7 slave, but over time I realized that wasn't what I wanted at all.

Experiment, think about it, figure out where you fit in all of it. And labels can definitely be frustrating sometimes, some people don't really "fit" into any certain category at all.


Heather

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Its your choice really, tho I have to say that I am quite happy being in a 24/7 Ds relationship...

Good luck on your travels

 

[myinnerslut]

i read a great analogyg on lit once (i dont remeber who said it or i would give them credit where credit is do). BDSM is like a buffet. you can take as much or as little of anything as you want. no two peoples plates will look exactly the same. this goes for types of relationships as well as what a BDSM or D/s relationship entails. its your choice in the end, just know that whatever you chose wont be "wrong"

 

[MasterPhoenix]

i read a great analogyg on lit once (i dont remeber who said it or i would give them credit where credit is do). BDSM is like a buffet. you can take as much or as little of anything as you want. no two peoples plates will look exactly the same. this goes for types of relationships as well as what a BDSM or D/s relationship entails. its your choice in the end, just know that whatever you chose wont be "wrong"

That is a great analogy....

 

[BiBunny]

i read a great analogyg on lit once (i dont remeber who said it or i would give them credit where credit is do). BDSM is like a buffet. you can take as much or as little of anything as you want. no two peoples plates will look exactly the same. this goes for types of relationships as well as what a BDSM or D/s relationship entails. its your choice in the end, just know that whatever you chose wont be "wrong"

Don't quote me on this, but it sounds like an Evil Geoff-ism.

 

[cutsnakes]

You know, I've always wanted an -ism. And ditto on the good analogy thing.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Hmmm stick around, I am sure you will have a cutsnakeism in no time.

 

[cutsnakes]

Hmmm stick around, I am sure you will have a cutsnakeism in no time.

It even sounds sexy! Thanks for the reassurance :3

 

[myinnerslut]

Don't quote me on this, but it sounds like an Evil Geoff-ism.

i think it may have been netzach, but i honestly just cannot remember

 

[Master_n_Mentor]

Go with what feels right to both of you. Don't put limits where they don't need to be.

 

[WyldDomme74]

It really does just depend. Think about what you really want first, and then find a partner that wants the same thing.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Don't quote me on this, but it sounds like an Evil Geoff-ism.

It's not mine, but it does sound kinda like something I would say... *grins* Maybe I'll steal it...

 

[Netzach]

i think it may have been netzach, but i honestly just cannot remember

I think it was brioche or snowy or chris...er, some girl I thought was hot...now I remember, I think it was captain's wench. Who has the cutest av hiney. mm.