I don't know what I'm doing...

[Trekari]

Wow...never saw myself writing a post like this. My how desries and wants can change.

Here's the short version: I've met a girl who is a sub, and enjoys the idea of a 24/7 D/s relationship. The only problem is that I've never in my life been a Dom and don't know what I'm doing. She and I are talking about it and from what she's told me of the way it works, I have to admit the situation sounds extremely alluring.

From her perspective, she enjoys being vulnerable, and finds humiliation/embarassment erotic.

From my perspective, I can recognize the powerful bond that would develop from putting her outside her comfort zone (vulnerable) and always bringing her back safely. Letting her know that despite the feeling of vulnerability, she is perfectly safe.

I have to admit I've watched some light, and some hard BDSM videos...I have a very difficult time with the concept of serious pain (which is good, because she is not into the SM part so much). I've attempted to talk with her about the fact I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but she called it topping from the bottom when I was looking for the answer to "how do I do this?"

Also, since I have never been a Dom, I don't know if I would be able to do it 24/7. It isn't what I'm used to. *shrug* She however says it's merely something she likes, but not required in a relationship.

So basically...how do I figure out how to BE a good Dom so that I can look after her properly and fill her sub desires?

If anyone has more questions for me, I'll answer them as best as I can.

 

[Trekari]

I should also mention that based on some tests I've taken (don't ask ) I come out as more of an assertive sub than a full-out Dom. I very much enjoy the fantasy of having control, but I also enjoy the fantasy of being used for pleasure until my sweetie has determined my job is done. Does that matter? Or does it only matter that I am less of a sub than she is?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Sounds like you both need to communicate more on what is expected and how to go about achieving it. I am not sure from what you say that she knows much more than you, or perhaps is not so sure of her feelings or being completely open about them. The reason I say this is her take on your asking questions about how to do etc., meaning she would be topping from the bottom (that is a whole lot different), and her saying she wants 24/7 and then saying that a D/s aspect (or did you mean she was talking about 24/7) is not necessary for her to have a relationship. Most who want 24/7 and know what they are getting into are not fully satisfied with anything less, and certainly are not happy in a relationship which is vanilla. For your own questions though, you will find lots of informaton in the library at the top of the forum, as well as links to others sites and books which can provide a variety of ideas and perspectives. You will also find most here are more than willing to answer any specific questions you might have.

Catalina

 

[MechaBlade]

Wow...never saw myself writing a post like this. My how desries and wants can change.

Here's the short version: I've met a girl who is a sub, and enjoys the idea of a 24/7 D/s relationship. The only problem is that I've never in my life been a Dom and don't know what I'm doing. She and I are talking about it and from what she's told me of the way it works, I have to admit the situation sounds extremely alluring.

From her perspective, she enjoys being vulnerable, and finds humiliation/embarassment erotic.

From my perspective, I can recognize the powerful bond that would develop from putting her outside her comfort zone (vulnerable) and always bringing her back safely. Letting her know that despite the feeling of vulnerability, she is perfectly safe.

I have to admit I've watched some light, and some hard BDSM videos...I have a very difficult time with the concept of serious pain (which is good, because she is not into the SM part so much). I've attempted to talk with her about the fact I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but she called it topping from the bottom when I was looking for the answer to "how do I do this?"

Also, since I have never been a Dom, I don't know if I would be able to do it 24/7. It isn't what I'm used to. *shrug* She however says it's merely something she likes, but not required in a relationship.

So basically...how do I figure out how to BE a good Dom so that I can look after her properly and fill her sub desires?

If anyone has more questions for me, I'll answer them as best as I can.

My suggestion: Start off slowly, doing 1-2 hour sessions sometimes, rather than jumping into 24/7. This will give you a feel for the BDSM scene, the feeling of domming, and her personal desires and expectations.

Being a good Dom is a mix of sensitivity, research, and experience. Sensitivity just means knowing her hard limits and making sure you don't go beyond them. Research you can do online. All the info on dominating I've ever received has been online, mostly through stories and here at the BDSM board, but some porn videos are pretty good, too. Experience goes without saying.

 

[driadnymph]

Listen to catalina and MechaBlade, they know what they're talking about. Perhaps you should explore the more erotic side of BDSM to get you feet wet. One of the main things that my partner and I enjoy is the preparation before things happen. I will tell him to go out and purchase things at certain times of the day, I don't always use all the items but it drives him wild with lust while buying them and gives me a wide on and wet spot to think at a certain time that he is buying them in anticipation of what will cum.
To jump into being a Dom 24/7 is unrealistic and if she has any brains at all, she will know that. You can't make a sponge cake with out the recipe. So take it slow and take it sensual, learn what the other person wants, likes, hates.
If you think this sounds like a worthwhile endeavour, pm me and we can chat more about it.
Cheers,
Driad.

 

[Marquis]

Wow...never saw myself writing a post like this. My how desries and wants can change.

Here's to hoping that you're not some researcher wasting my time.

Here's the short version: I've met a girl who is a sub, and enjoys the idea of a 24/7 D/s relationship. The only problem is that I've never in my life been a Dom and don't know what I'm doing. She and I are talking about it and from what she's told me of the way it works, I have to admit the situation sounds extremely alluring.

Keep in mind that "the way it works" is purely up to the two of you. You have no obligation to follow anyone else's guideline of what BDSM is about other than the ethical imperative to keep it safe, sane and consensual.

From her perspective, she enjoys being vulnerable, and finds humiliation/embarassment erotic.

From my perspective, I can recognize the powerful bond that would develop from putting her outside her comfort zone (vulnerable) and always bringing her back safely. Letting her know that despite the feeling of vulnerability, she is perfectly safe.

Recognizing your respective interests is a good start. The next step is to mesh those interests into mutually satisfying experiences.

I have to admit I've watched some light, and some hard BDSM videos...I have a very difficult time with the concept of serious pain (which is good, because she is not into the SM part so much). I've attempted to talk with her about the fact I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but she called it topping from the bottom when I was looking for the answer to "how do I do this?"

That doesn't jive with my understanding of what "topping from the bottom" is, but keep in mind that like most of the terms in the BDSM lexicon, the meaning of this phrase is largely a matter of conjecture.

Also, since I have never been a Dom, I don't know if I would be able to do it 24/7. It isn't what I'm used to. *shrug* She however says it's merely something she likes, but not required in a relationship.

Despite the caveat of my last comment, I can almost certainly assure you that 24/7 in the absolutist form is NOT what she is looking for. I think it's safe to interpret this as her desire for the two of you to act out your roles in a more continual sense than just in the bedroom.

So basically...how do I figure out how to BE a good Dom so that I can look after her properly and fill her sub desires?

Information and advice is all over the internet and several good books are also available on the topic. Check the BDSM Library for useful information and links to outside internet resources. The Loving Dominant by John Warren is also an excellent starting point.

I think the best advice anyone can give you when committing to a BDSM relationship is to know thyself, and be true to that.

 

[Marquis]

I should also mention that based on some tests I've taken (don't ask ) I come out as more of an assertive sub than a full-out Dom. I very much enjoy the fantasy of having control, but I also enjoy the fantasy of being used for pleasure until my sweetie has determined my job is done. Does that matter? Or does it only matter that I am less of a sub than she is?

It only matters in so much as it conflicts or harmonizes with your partner's desires.

I have witnessed doms and subs acting out their roles in a manner that is an absolute reversal of those terms in every way that is meaningful to me.

 

[s_red830]

From my perspective, I can recognize the powerful bond that would develop from putting her outside her comfort zone (vulnerable) and always bringing her back safely. Letting her know that despite the feeling of vulnerability, she is perfectly safe.

I have to admit I've watched some light, and some hard BDSM videos...I have a very difficult time with the concept of serious pain (which is good, because she is not into the SM part so much). I've attempted to talk with her about the fact I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but she called it topping from the bottom when I was looking for the answer to "how do I do this?"

Also, since I have never been a Dom, I don't know if I would be able to do it 24/7. It isn't what I'm used to. *shrug* She however says it's merely something she likes, but not required in a relationship.

So basically...how do I figure out how to BE a good Dom so that I can look after her properly and fill her sub desires?

If anyone has more questions for me, I'll answer them as best as I can.

Being new to this myself, I'd recommend that you don't jump right into 24/7 play. First, I think you need to play with her and see what you both like, establish a comfort zone. Once you know eachother better, and you begin to learn what you're doing, you can slowly integrate the 24/7 play. I'm not in much of a place to give advice, but that seems like it might be the best, most comfortable way to go about it. I mean... you don't even know whether or not you would really like this yet, you just like the idea.

my $0.02.

and as to the less sub, more Dom, vice-versa yadda yadda thing, don't listen to quizzes, unless you know what they're telling you is true. If you want to top, then top. If you want to bottom, then bottom. It's perfectly fine to be a switch if that's what you really are; it's also perfectly fine to be a softer top. I am, for one. I did a whole intro post about how I love to spoil my girl.

Another reason why you should try it out in small doses at first: if your real tendency is Switch, and she only bottoms, would you still feel fulfilled?

My main point: look before you leap. It seems like one hell of a leap to take.

~Red.

 

[FurryFury]

Being new to this myself, I'd recommend that you don't jump right into 24/7 play. First, I think you need to play with her and see what you both like, establish a comfort zone. Once you know eachother better, and you begin to learn what you're doing, you can slowly integrate the 24/7 play. I'm not in much of a place to give advice, but that seems like it might be the best, most comfortable way to go about it. I mean... you don't even know whether or not you would really like this yet, you just like the idea.

my $0.02.

and as to the less sub, more Dom, vice-versa yadda yadda thing, don't listen to quizzes, unless you know what they're telling you is true. If you want to top, then top. If you want to bottom, then bottom. It's perfectly fine to be a switch if that's what you really are; it's also perfectly fine to be a softer top. I am, for one. I did a whole intro post about how I love to spoil my girl.

Another reason why you should try it out in small doses at first: if your real tendency is Switch, and she only bottoms, would you still feel fulfilled?

My main point: look before you leap. It seems like one hell of a leap to take.

~Red.

Good points!


Fury

 

[SirQittus]

Keep in mind that "the way it works" is purely up to the two of you. You have no obligation to follow anyone else's guideline of what BDSM is about other than the ethical imperative to keep it safe, sane and consensual.

Recognizing your respective interests is a good start. The next step is to mesh those interests into mutually satisfying experiences.

That doesn't jive with my understanding of what "topping from the bottom" is, but keep in mind that like most of the terms in the BDSM lexicon, the meaning of this phrase is largely a matter of conjecture.

Despite the caveat of my last comment, I can almost certainly assure you that 24/7 in the absolutist form is NOT what she is looking for. I think it's safe to interpret this as her desire for the two of you to act out your roles in a more continual sense than just in the bedroom.

Information and advice is all over the internet and several good books are also available on the topic. Check the BDSM Library for useful information and links to outside internet resources. The Loving Dominant by John Warren is also an excellent starting point.

I think the best advice anyone can give you when committing to a BDSM relationship is to know thyself, and be true to that.

In my very limited experience, I would second all of this, particularly Warren's book. I had the joy of finding my love turn out to be fairly familiar with the lifestyle, and our styles just mesh very nicely. The key, it seems in all cases, is communication, and taking things carefully and not diving first into the deep end helps prevent drownings and headaches.

 

[Trekari]

Thank you for all the advice.

Marquis - No, I'm not some researcher. I had honest questions and you were among those who found the time to answer, and I appreciate it.