I don't know how many of you check the Story Feedback forum,

[NoJo]

so I'm going to break etiquette and post a request for feedback here, as I'd really like to elicit a repsonse from fellow authors here (Black, Impressive, and a few others, I know you're frequent posters on the Story Feedback forum).

I haven't posted any stories for a couple of years, and quite frankly, I feel all jittery like it was my first time. Also,my style seems to have changed a lot, and I'm not sure if I'm funny any more.

Anyway, feel free to ignore, or to read I Married My Sister

(P.S. "They" fucked up the formatting a bit)


Joe

 

[impressive]

Reading (and enjoying) it now. Gonna take me a while, though. It's a long 'un.

 

[Guest]

Yea! A new story? Will read soon. I repeat: you're one of my top two fave authors here (don't make me choose ). P.

 

[Guest]

Bump

Plus I printed out the story to read on the bus on the way to my dentist appt. this PM cos I re-chipped my front tooth so now have to have a fullfucking re-capping job. Anyroad, just the preliminary remarks made me larf. I know I'm going to enjoy the rest of the 20 Lit. pages (just kidding!) P.

Hi, smutlovers. I just wanted to set your expectations here before you waste a lot of precious jerkoff time on this story.

First off, there's no sex. Almost. Certainly nothing explicit. Men, you won't get hard. Women, I don't actually know what goes down there, so I can't say what will happen to you. My guess is that your pussy will remain at approximately the same diameter throughout the story. PM me after you've read it if I'm wrong.

Second, if you've read any of my Humor and Satire stuff before, like Cindy Heller or Dr Yekkl, you may be expecting more of my Zucker Brothers/Mel Brooks kind of crazy humor. Well, 'fraid not. I'm a little more restrained as I approach my senility.

Third, its pretty long, 'prox 10,000 words. As this is still in my word processor, I can't tell you if it'll be four or five chapters. But it's a real story, with a structure; it's not just a sequence of scenes. So you sort of have to read the whole thing to appreciate it.

So, what the f&*# will you get besides eyestrain??

You'll get a nicely plotted farce, with a sort of sci-fi feel, about a guy who changes bodies with his brother-in-law. So he's ended up married to his sister. I forget the details.

If you've read anything by my literary hero Bob Sheckley, you'll know what to expect.

Have fun.

Joe.

 

[Guest]

A bump for Joe.

(I'll read it later. )

 

[BlackShanglan]

Joe -

Some thoughts on the story.

I loved the opening and had a great deal of fun with Gordon and Malcolm. You've got their voices and POV's down nicely, and the bizarrre twists with Skizzik showing up as a variety of household objects and devices was a good way to raise curiosity and hook the reader's attention. I've had a long day and intially was resistant to reading something more than a page (shockingly lazy I know), but you quickly convinced me otherwise.

In fact, I was thinking for quite some time that I would have very little to say, and end up writing one of those pleasant complimentary reviews that feel lovely while being rather "unactionable." However, I did see a few soft spots, and thought I would talk about those. But lest I forget, as it's easy to - this is, for the most part, excellent and amusing, and a wonderful read. I'm delighted that you posted this and brought my attention to it.

I felt that the transition to Malcolm and Gordon cooperating jarred a bit. It seemed very hasty, especially this part:

Meanwhile Gordon was finding that he growing to respect his brother-in-law more each day. Gordon's relatively simple and trouble-free childhood was in stark contrast to Mal's tough upbringing in the East End. He began to understand that Mal's ruthlessness and determination, which he'd loathed and coveted at the same time, was simply a will to survive in a harsh world.

Malcolm had come across as such a complete bastard up to that point that it was hard to buy this last statement. In the story so far, he's not just surviving; he's manipulating, cheating, and spoiling himself at the expense of others, so it's hard for me to take this new view of him. I think it would need either a longer transiton or a less negative image of Malcolm from the start to make this work for me. As it is, I resist giving up what's been a very amusing and interesting "bastard" character. Similarly, later when Gordon says that they're "just good friends" and realizes that it's true, I don't feel like I have the groundwork to buy this. I haven't seen them do anything but what's necessary for survival, and after Malcolm's intial set-up I was rather more expecting him to backstab Gordon at the first opportunity to get his old position back. I could have used more on the changes in Malcolm's personality.

This issue got better toward the end, by the way - by the conclusion, I was able to "buy" it better. I think just a bit more gentle of a transition would help.

I had some trouble with the dialogue between Sally and Camille. As I read Sally's lines, I found it hard to get a consistant sense of her personality or her motivation in making this announcement. She seemed to waver between motherly, bitchy, and a bit vague, and "Yes I'm afraid you 'no longer hold any attraction' for your husband, dear. Best have it out with him when he comes home." was difficult to imagine in a real person's conversation. I like the dialogue for the rest of the story very much, so my gut instinct here is that you're not sure who Sally is and what she's doing, and that fixing that would let you fix the dialogue. Possibly?

The scene with Camille's "surprise" is extremely cute, by the way. The image of her sniffling in her fetish gear is quite adorable. That said, I could have done with a few more lines of how he gets past the mental obstacle to a physical approach to his sister. I would have guessed that there would be some internal conflict there, and would have liked to hear some of it - not a diatribe, but a few lines would be nice.

I think the talk with Linda's psychoanalyst father, on the whole, worth it. I did feel it was a little heavy of a coincidence that he's there, and that Malcolm talks to him, etc. - but surely it's worth it for the excellent humor about psychoanalysis and the situation as a whole. I would suggest smoothing the introduction of that character, but honestly I can't see how - it would stand out ridiculously to have mentioned him any earlier. And I did enjoy the doctor's attempts at consoling "Gordon."

All in all, I very much enjoyed it. Forgive me if my comments seem a bit disconnected - I was reading and writing this at the same time, and I'm a bit sleep deprived. I'd be happy to clarify anything, and I hope that this was what you were looking for.

Shanglan