I do try

[frandessop]

https://www.literotica.com/beta/s/sexy-journey

I just can't help the adjective thing... comes from a poor education.
I'm learning... slowly.

 

[ElectricBlue]

You don't need to put your dialogue in italics.

It's correct with quotation marks, but this

"Only a few stops up the road" I replied, staring into his gorgeous eyes.

should read:

"Only a few stops up the road," I replied, staring into his gorgeous eyes.

Note the comma at the end of the dialogue.

 

[LesDesirable]

This is better than your previous efforts, but still is just a sex scene and not quite a story.

A hundred structural problems, and a lot of punctuation issues which I won't go into because others will. As you noted, you still enjoy using unnecessary words because unnecessary description is cheaper and easier than strong writing.

You used two paragraphs to tell us that she sits near pretty people. The only difference between para 2 and 3 was extra adjectives. (to up their hotness) We do not particularly need to know she trawls the internet, or is heading to a club in a town somewhere near, because that has no part in the story other than being words. The important part to your story is the last line of paragraph 2, that states she seeks an attractive flirting companion for her weekend trip. That is what you need to expound on. That it is not pure luck to find an attractive and willing mate on that particular, near-empty, suitable-for-sex bus.

His being Scandinavian, tall, blonde, blue-eyed, well-dressed, or nice smelling are all incidental, but should be part of the hunt rather than just description of the kill.

The rest is just sex on a bus. Neither excessively hot or boringly cool. Just sex.

What I am saying, is that you can build this kind of thing into a story if you take the parts that matter and work with them rather than just gloss over them into the orgasm. I know your stated desire is to get reads by posting on this forum, but our stated aim is to point you towards better and more interesting writing.

 

[frandessop]

Thank you. Very constructive compared to previous tongue lashings
Appreciate your input. I understand what you are saying... it's finding the time to write on a larger canvas, to create the perspective and colour in the sounds. I go for the easy fix, with fluff. I should describe the scent that I'm hunting down. I also need to ditch the POV voice.
Cheers

This is better than your previous efforts, but still is just a sex scene and not quite a story.

A hundred structural problems, and a lot of punctuation issues which I won't go into because others will. As you noted, you still enjoy using unnecessary words because unnecessary description is cheaper and easier than strong writing.

You used two paragraphs to tell us that she sits near pretty people. The only difference between para 2 and 3 was extra adjectives. (to up their hotness) We do not particularly need to know she trawls the internet, or is heading to a club in a town somewhere near, because that has no part in the story other than being words. The important part to your story is the last line of paragraph 2, that states she seeks an attractive flirting companion for her weekend trip. That is what you need to expound on. That it is not pure luck to find an attractive and willing mate on that particular, near-empty, suitable-for-sex bus.

His being Scandinavian, tall, blonde, blue-eyed, well-dressed, or nice smelling are all incidental, but should be part of the hunt rather than just description of the kill.

The rest is just sex on a bus. Neither excessively hot or boringly cool. Just sex.

What I am saying, is that you can build this kind of thing into a story if you take the parts that matter and work with them rather than just gloss over them into the orgasm. I know your stated desire is to get reads by posting on this forum, but our stated aim is to point you towards better and more interesting writing.

 

[frandessop]

Thanks

Noted, thank you.

You don't need to put your dialogue in italics.

It's correct with quotation marks, but this should read:

"Only a few stops up the road," I replied, staring into his gorgeous eyes.

Note the comma at the end of the dialogue.