I didn't want to hijack another thread, and I need some help/advice

[Trinique_Fire]

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[Trinique_Fire]

did I start this thread in the wrong place?

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

did I start this thread in the wrong place?

No Trinique you didn't its perfectly placed here in Talk.

Threads take a while to evolve remember sometimes days even.

Plus you asked a really tough question , which btw is rather cool

 

[Trinique_Fire]

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[BeachGurl2]

Reading this shocked the hell out of me. It may as well have been something I wrote. I understand what I'm missing now. It makes sense to me. This is not to say that I don't have someone in my life now who guides/nurtures me to a point, but we're simply friends with a deeper history. Knowing it won't go there ever again and having to deal with feeling the way you described is horrible. I literally don't know what to do with myself, yet I manage to hide it in my daily life. So I think. I do know that I manage to hide the reasons for the way I feel from the general public and from friends who don't "get" the submissive part of me. I suppose I manage to look put together and in charge of my feelings and emotions, but for the most part I've become withdrawn and very angry and hostile. As someone who feels submissive and is comfortable there (though I like to resist it in actual D/s situations, more for fun than to cause trouble), I don't know what to do with myself without that other person there. I feel like I'm coming to a dangerous place emotionally. Any suggestions?

Whether Dom/me or sub...I'd like to get suggestions from both sides.

Thanks

This is something I've struggled with my entire adult life, so I've spent a lot of time thinking about it. The fact that you acknowledge where you are is huge. I've had a history of clinical depression due to other things in childhood/young adulthood, so I recognize the difference between the two in myself really well - and it's been 15+ years since I've had true clinical depression. What I'm talking about isn't really clinical depression, but it certainly mimics it in some ways. I go through periods of real despair, but am able to keep them to a day or two and then let them go. Took me a very long time to get myself to the place where I could control it that way - lots of practice. When all you really want to do is roll up in a ball and cry, it's very hard to make yourself get up and get out. But once you do, it does make a difference.

Within this, I also go through periods where my number one question is, what have I done in my life that was so horrible that I don't deserve happiness. Of course, that is a ridiculous question. Life doesn't work that way. I'm a good person, I live a good life, and nothing I have done has caused me to lack that sort of happiness in my life. I've made some bad choices in my life, lived through them, and now I just have to keep on trucking, so to speak. I allow myself to have a little pity party, hibernate for a couple days or a week or so, then I MAKE myself get out of it and find something positive to do, even if it's just an outing with friends that makes me feel good about myself and life. That will usually jolt me out of my melancholy, even though the underlying sadness is always there. You can't stop living just because at the moment you're not happy. If you do, you'll miss the thing that might just make all your dreams come true.

Ultimately, my bottom line belief is that you have to be true to yourself. Sometimes that means that you will be alone. Because it's much better to be alone than to be in a bad situation for all the wrong reasons. I read a quote once a long time ago that went something like this: As soon as you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settle for. I remind myself of this every time I'm tempted to get into a relationship that I know isn't going to work for me. Yes, underneath the positive, outgoing, smiling person there is someone who is lonely and oftentimes sad. But I CHOOSE to keep myself from buckling under the pressure. I CHOOSE to be positive and to have a positive outlook. I know that I will find that happiness. I just have to be patient - something I'm so not - and have to live in the moment now.

I don't know if this has helped or not. But I do know very well where you're coming from, Trinique, and I'm very glad to know that you could relate to something I posted. And I hope that we both one day find our happiness.

 

[neonflux]

Don't think this has to do with being Domme or sub...

I think that all of us crave the connection that comes with a truly intimate (sexual) relationship...

While the D/s dynamic might be part of what you need to make a relationship work, as I read what you wrote (and tried to read between the lines - it was clear you were protecting someone's confidentiality), I am wondering if it has to do with wanting more in the relationship? Can't tell if it's always been at the level it is now, or if at one point, it was more intimate/romantic and you experienced a transition or break-up of sorts.

Having recently experienced a break-up that sent me into a tailspin, my heart completely goes out to you. Had we not gotten back together, I am sure that 4 months later, I would still be experiencing the grief, an emotion which we don't really honor in our culture... Can you talk about your loss with any of your friends or family? Particularly since it involved D/s? In my case, the support and nurturance I received from my sister and close friends was crucial to my own healing.

One note and don't know if this applies to your situation. I was involved with my last ex before this most recent break-up for 14 years. The first 8 as GF/partner, the next 6 trying to break up since we lived in the same apartment building and continued to see each other almost daily. This certainly wasn't good for me. And even though I was the one who broke up the "final" time, I still continued to hope that the relationship would revert to what it was. This kept me from "living my life" for a very long time...

I will keep you in my thoughts / meditations, and if you ever feel the inclination, please PM me.

Neon

Reading this shocked the hell out of me. It may as well have been something I wrote. I understand what I'm missing now. It makes sense to me. This is not to say that I don't have someone in my life now who guides/nurtures me to a point, but we're simply friends with a deeper history. Knowing it won't go there ever again and having to deal with feeling the way you described is horrible. I literally don't know what to do with myself, yet I manage to hide it in my daily life. So I think. I do know that I manage to hide the reasons for the way I feel from the general public and from friends who don't "get" the submissive part of me. I suppose I manage to look put together and in charge of my feelings and emotions, but for the most part I've become withdrawn and very angry and hostile. As someone who feels submissive and is comfortable there (though I like to resist it in actual D/s situations, more for fun than to cause trouble), I don't know what to do with myself without that other person there. I feel like I'm coming to a dangerous place emotionally. Any suggestions?

Whether Dom/me or sub...I'd like to get suggestions from both sides.

Thanks

 

[A Desert Rose]

I think what you're feeling is desperation and I don't mean that in a negative way.

We've all gone through that and felt like that. It's a normal human condition. We want more, we want the best, we want it now. And when it doesn't happen in a way we want, or as fast as we want, we feel a desperation and a force to "make" it happen and happen now. And when things don't happen the way we'd like, or we can't "make" them happen, we feel blue. (I don't like the word depressed.)

And what you think you're missing now, isn't neccessarily what you might be missing later. Life is constant change. Next year, you might read this post and wonder "what was I thinking?" (I speak from experience on that. I hate when I read my old posts or when someone drudges up an old thread. Now, there's a place where the word depression might work for me... aaahahahahah)

I think you just have to accept that things happen in a way and time that we mostly have no control over. Accept that and be happy in the life you're lucky enough to have.

But... I probably don't know shit, so in the words of Emily Litella (http://snl.jt.org/char.php?i=190) "nevermind."

 

[Ozfamilyman]

Take away the D/s roles and its a similar story heard often around the world. Not suggesting that it is any less of a problem, but once you realise it is more about your need for a relationship and how you feel whole in one than out, you will start to look outside the D/s sphere and work on why you need that other person in your life

Dont get me wrong it is great to be with someone and know they think of you and you of them, and that they bring something to the relationship you crave. But it is folly to assume it is an exclusive D/s issue

 

[Trinique_Fire]

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[Trinique_Fire]

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[Trinique_Fire]

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[Trinique_Fire]

is that all? the forum seems in high form today...just thought i'd ask

 

[onyxvixen]

I'm incredibly lucky to have her in my life. She's my hero, my life coach, and my inspiration. Sometimes all that is enough, but then there are other moments...when I see her and just want to cry.

What you feel for your ex is more than friendship, more than romance. You are worshipping her as the Domme you want in your life and if she really doesn't reciprocate then this is not a healthy thing to do. I have no doubt it will damage your friendship too in the long run, if you don't take control of your feelings now.

Your love for this woman is preventing you from seeing anybody else as a potential 'soulmate'. I know that there's a lot more to finding your D/s lifepartner than just meeting a girl in a bar. It's a scary thought to have to go through the whole selection process again and maybe even make the wrong choice again.

Looking up to your ex as a 'life coach' and 'inspiration' will completely prevent you from getting over her. You need to wean yourself off of this woman, for now at least. Open you options and trust yourself. Depression is clouding your judgement. You can be your own life coach and inspiration. Nobody is more than human, she has as many failings as you - she just isn't focusing on them.

It's a painful process but I think you already know in your heart that you won't move on with your life if this lady is constantly right under your nose causing you to "what if..." all the time.