I could really use some advice here.

[GalaxyGoat]

So I met this girl and we hit it off pretty well. I kinda got the feeling like she would be open to dominating me and man w,as I right. This was the first relationship I've had with a dominant. We had a lot of fun together. We would watch tv while I messaged and licked her feet, make her dinner, lick out her ass, be whipped (sometimes while cleaning and a bunch of other things. It was an eye opening experience for me as she was the only person I've ever really felt like I could just be myself around.
The problem was before we got together I asked her if she was STD clean and she said she was. Well after about a month and a half of being together I was getting a coke out of her fridge and saw some meds for the papyloma virus. I confronted her about it, at first she denied having it, then she denied saying she didn't have an STD then she left the room, then she came back and tried to change the subject and THEN she finally admitted she lied to me. I asked her why she lied and she at first she said "I like sex." at which point she ran off crying. I found her soon after and tried talking to her again. She said she was also was afraid I would of rejected her if she had told me. I didn't know what to do so I just walked home. Later I broke up with her. A few days later she started texting me talking about wanting to commit suicide. She didn't.
A few weeks later she messaged me again saying she missed me and she was really sorry but I didn't take her back even though I missed her as well.

It was hard for me, I felt dirty and used. I felt like she couldn't of really cared about me. I was also sad because I thought I had found someone I could finally share myself with. I guess what I want advice on is whether or not I should take her back. It's been about 2 months now and I still miss her but I'm afraid I'll just get hurt. I mean I like being treated like a little bitch but I still want the person I"m with to care about me and I have a tendency to get involved with abusive people so although I want to go back to her I don't know if I trust myself. I would really appreciate any advice you guys can give me.

 

[Rother]

So she has genital warts from HPV?

 

[Loverskitten]

So she has genital warts from HPV?

I'm guessing yes. As far as I know they don't give medicine for the virus but probably to treat an outbreak. I'm not certain though.


Anyway, to the OP, sorry you had to go through this. What she did is disgusting. I'm actually confused as to why you're asking what you should do. You should tell her to get some professional help and not to contact you anymore. The "I'm going to kill myself" shit is fucked up. I know someone stuck in a relationshit like this, it never gets better.

As with all relationships, trust is extremely important. I think even more so in a D/s relationship. I know I could never trust a partner who knowingly put me in that kind of danger. I just can't stand a liar either!

Breakups are hard. Missing sex/play is hard. This too shall pass.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Everyone who has never had a cold sore, raise your hand...


...


The suicide stuff-- that doesn't sound so good.

 

[midwestyankee]

The virus thing is manageable in a good and honest relationship. In her present state of mind, this woman is not capable of such a relationship. Run. Move out of state. Change your name to Ru Paul. Do whatever it takes to not get your sorry ass dragged into a relationship with someone who is plainly batshit crazy.

 

[jomar]

You asked. She lied. Her excuse was "I like sex." She then "becomes" unstable when you react to her lie. She is trouble.

Might have gone different for her in a good way if she'd fessed up at the outset.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Personally, I feel for the woman.

I have a theory that Dominant people, by nature, will desire to alter their reality to suit them. That's the thing, you see.

There are many ways to attempt this-- some forthright and effective, and we applaud and call them heroes or "real Dominants" by which we mean the kind of dom we want to hang around with and put our trust in.

Some will not have those skills-- and will to us or themselves, whine or bully or use whatever tactics they have at hand. Things get ugly, and we warn against those people. But they are still Dominant-- by nature.

Which has little to do with this post, except that I see genuine Dominant tendencies in her bad behavior. Lying to oneself just... doesn't work as a domination tactic.

***
Let me ask you, though-- you were not practicing safe sex, amiright?

At a month in, you should have been.

You can share the blame with her for that.

Henceforth; Don't ever try to make anyone be utterly honest when lust is fogging their brain. It's 1) unkind, and 2) unreliable.

 

[BiBunny]

Personally, I feel for the woman.

I have a theory that Dominant people, by nature, will desire to alter their reality to suit them. That's the thing, you see.

There are many ways to attempt this-- some forthright and effective, and we applaud and call them heroes or "real Dominants" by which we mean the kind of dom we want to hang around with and put our trust in.

Some will not have those skills-- and will to us or themselves, whine or bully or use whatever tactics they have at hand. Things get ugly, and we warn against those people. But they are still Dominant-- by nature.

Which has little to do with this post, except that I see genuine Dominant tendencies in her bad behavior. Lying to oneself just... doesn't work as a domination tactic.

***
Let me ask you, though-- you were not practicing safe sex, amiright?

At a month in, you should have been.

You can share the blame with her for that.

Henceforth; Don't ever try to make anyone be utterly honest when lust is fogging their brain. It's 1) unkind, and 2) unreliable.

Dominant tendencies or narcissistic ones? Sounds more like the latter to me, but the argument can be made that the two things are one and the same.

ETA: I know it hasn't been confirmed, but if the STD this woman had was, in fact, HPV, then all the condoms in the world wouldn't have helped him avoid exposure. Also, I don't give the woman a pass just because she was horny. Most people over the age of about 18 can think and lust at the same time. It's just further proof that she needs to get her shit together, IMO.

 

[chocolatecookie3]

I agree her reaction was a little weird, but I would give it another shot and do some sex education for both of you. I think it's 1 in 4 people get HPV in their lifetimes? Even if it's herpes, that's manageable. And who on here doesn't like sex?

Sounds like she is young and a little insecure, but if things were working for you, you can try again. Now, she probably will lie to you or try to manipulate you again at some point, but that happens. Lots of unstable people in BDSM, it's part of the fun!

 

[Stella_Omega]

Lit is SO fucking broken! I always get a kick out of Manu's announcements; "We are all finished, we now have a better site!" And then we get a day or two of spackling over the cracks...

The way I understand narcissim is that it's a lack of empathy-- it's difficult or even impossible for a narcissist to comprehend that other people are separate creatures and that other people's interests take precedence in their own lives. Or something like that?

And I know plenty of very empathic dominants. Not that empathy is a guarantee of function...

... Lots of unstable people in BDSM, it's part of the fun!

In a nutshell.

 

[BiBunny]

Lit is SO fucking broken! I always get a kick out of Manu's announcements; "We are all finished, we now have a better site!" And then we get a day or two of spackling over the cracks...

The way I understand narcissim is that it's a lack of empathy-- it's difficult or even impossible for a narcissist to comprehend that other people are separate creatures and that other people's interests take precedence in their own lives. Or something like that?

And I know plenty of very empathic dominants. Not that empathy is a guarantee of function...


In a nutshell.

Lit is totally broken.

Lack of empathy is definitely a sign of narcissism. It's the belief that you're the main character in your own movie and that other people are only here to act as supporting characters, not to have lives and thoughts and feelings that aren't in relation to you.

I wouldn't say that all dominants are narcissists, either, but I can see how the argument could be made. I think the more accurate statement would be that BDSM provides a haven of sorts for narcissists of all stripes.

 

[box13]

So, she had this traumatic experience at some point, caught HPV, which you can't get rid of, from someone who lied to her about their status, very likely, and then started taking a med and go back to something we all want called "normal"...whatever that is for her.

And she likes sex, uh...which is normal for a woman. At least I think so.

And doesn't know how to talk to you about it, things went fast maybe, there were some strong feelings involved, some emotions, more than the usual amount of connection....sure, make believe is easy at that point when you're "perfect" for each other, in every way but...

Your disappointment is real, and deserved. But hers is just as real. Fear of rejection, all that.

An very few people are emotionally and intellectually ready for the day when a doctor says "you have it" and then you start thinking about "I'll never have sex again" kinds of thoughts. Without some kind of likewise experience, something to say "Oh, I know what to do with this bad thing" then you're sort of left on your own to deal with it, and how you talk about it to your next potential partner.

So, you're in a relationship and having difficulty communicating about important issues? Not surprising. Got baggage from past relationships in the way too? Join the fucking club.

Decide if HPV is a show stopper for you, then go find her and work it out. Or not. With a big issue like this out of the way, the others might seem less important. I don't know. But it could work.

I know the lying part is a big deal, but people just aren't that strong to begin with. I wish they were. But Stella and BiBunny have valid points too. It's hard to say. But what ever you do, it won't be perfect.

Best of luck.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Stick around please, Box13.

 

[njlauren]

I think that she got caught up in what was going on with you guys and was afraid if she told you the truth you would walk away. HPV isn't a death sentence (well, actually,potentially for her, since it is directly tied to cervical cancer, and they now have an inoculation against it), but still, to expose someone else to it like that is pretty rough. And it does lead to questions of trust, can she be trusted after lying like that, with something like BD/SM that obviously requires trust.

I personally also would worry about the drama where she threatened suicide. I realize that isn't exactly unheard of, but was it just a manipulative threat, or is she really that unbalanced?

It sounds like you really had something with her, and ultimately the question comes in can you truth her enough to want to be with her, knowing the way she seems to be? The HPV issue can be dealt with, ways to protect yourself, but the real question is, can you forgive and forget that she lied to you and more importantly, can you trust her going forward? If you are looking for a monogamous relationship with her, do you think she could follow that? Can you trust her to tell you the truth going forward? And do you think the drama you saw with her is going to make some sort of relationship outside sex possible?

Only you can answer the question about what to do, but these are the kinds of questions I would ask. I tend to be a very forgiving person, but I also know how volatile a relationship can be with someone who may be not all settled in themselves.

This may raise some eyebrows, but if you really find yourself missing her after this period of time, maybe there was something worth salvaging there, but if you decide to try again with her you need to ask yourself I think what it is you miss. If it is just the sex, the play, is that grounds for dealing with the rest of it? Or did you feel a real spark there, for a deeper relationship? If she has emotional issues (and obviously I can't know that) it may not be worth it simply for the sex,but if there is more maybe there is reason to try. I think you need to have a talk with her if you want to go back, and really lay it on the line what you need, and what you need her to work on, if you are to get back together, you have a pretty crappy start, and that needs to be overcome. My answer to most people with these kind of things is to trust your gut instinct, and listen to it. If it says try, give it a shot; if it says run the other way like a candy assed baboon, do that

 

[Loverskitten]

I think that she got caught up in what was going on with you guys and was afraid if she told you the truth you would walk away. HPV isn't a death sentence (well, actually,potentially for her, since it is directly tied to cervical cancer, and they now have an inoculation against it), but still, to expose someone else to it like that is pretty rough. And it does lead to questions of trust, can she be trusted after lying like that, with something like BD/SM that obviously requires trust.

I personally also would worry about the drama where she threatened suicide. I realize that isn't exactly unheard of, but was it just a manipulative threat, or is she really that unbalanced?

It sounds like you really had something with her, and ultimately the question comes in can you truth her enough to want to be with her, knowing the way she seems to be? The HPV issue can be dealt with, ways to protect yourself, but the real question is, can you forgive and forget that she lied to you and more importantly, can you trust her going forward? If you are looking for a monogamous relationship with her, do you think she could follow that? Can you trust her to tell you the truth going forward? And do you think the drama you saw with her is going to make some sort of relationship outside sex possible?

Only you can answer the question about what to do, but these are the kinds of questions I would ask. I tend to be a very forgiving person, but I also know how volatile a relationship can be with someone who may be not all settled in themselves.

This may raise some eyebrows, but if you really find yourself missing her after this period of time, maybe there was something worth salvaging there, but if you decide to try again with her you need to ask yourself I think what it is you miss. If it is just the sex, the play, is that grounds for dealing with the rest of it? Or did you feel a real spark there, for a deeper relationship? If she has emotional issues (and obviously I can't know that) it may not be worth it simply for the sex,but if there is more maybe there is reason to try. I think you need to have a talk with her if you want to go back, and really lay it on the line what you need, and what you need her to work on, if you are to get back together, you have a pretty crappy start, and that needs to be overcome. My answer to most people with these kind of things is to trust your gut instinct, and listen to it. If it says try, give it a shot; if it says run the other way like a candy assed baboon, do that

WOW, I'm shocked at these responses! Seriously shocked! And from Stella, who not long ago posted an article about a drug resistant STD. I take no pitty on a disease spreader, no matter how much she "likes sex" that excuse is laughable, really?
I don't think they know everything about HPV either.
Yes, HPV can easily be a death sentence. I've known women rendered childless from getting it. For one of my friends, it's all she wanted. Sad. Any idea how fast cervical cancer spreads? Fast. The last friend who got cervical cancer from HPV, had surgery, had to get paps every month for a year and still has a 10% chance of the cancer coming back. And they caught it early, she's diligent about her preventative care.
Hello? Throat cancer... HPV.
True, guys don't get hit as bad but they are carriers and spreaders of HPV.

And the "inoculation" for it? Not very effective and only somewhat effective on young girls. They won't even give it to women over 25-26.

Scary shit.
Yes, safe sex, trust no one.

Sorry even though I appear to be in the minority, I say ditch the bitch. All lies and mind games. RUN! USE CONDOMS! There are plenty of dominant women out there who are actually stable.

 

[Loverskitten]

I didn't mean to quote all of njlauren's post but I didn't have the time to pick out the several sentences to which, I specifically wanted to reply.

How are you all so flippant about a disease spreading, liar, who threatens to kill herself if he leaves? It's blowing my mind. Grrr

 

[midwestyankee]

Stick around please, Box13.

Ditto.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Everyone who has never had a cold sore, raise your hand...

I haven't. But then plenty of people have asymptomatic HPV, don't get a sore, and have no idea they're carrying it; for all I know I could be in that category.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I didn't mean to quote all of njlauren's post but I didn't have the time to pick out the several sentences to which, I specifically wanted to reply.

How are you all so flippant about a disease spreading, liar, who threatens to kill herself if he leaves? It's blowing my mind. Grrr

I don't see a lot of "flippancy" here. I mostly see people offering earnest and well-meant advice (even if I don't agree with all of it) and taking the OP's distress seriously.

Honesty is tremendously important to me. It's not okay to lie to a partner about things like this. If you look at some of the recent "how do I have an affair?" threads you'll see that I don't condone dishonesty to one's partner.

But all human beings fuck up at some point, one way or another. If you aspire to lasting relationships with other human beings, sometimes you need to keep in mind that the person who just fucked up and hurt you is a scared and weak human being.

Incidentally, on "disease spreading": hands up everybody who's NEVER gone to work with the snuffles, or a cough, or skimped on washing their hands.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I didn't mean to quote all of njlauren's post but I didn't have the time to pick out the several sentences to which, I specifically wanted to reply.

How are you all so flippant about a disease spreading, liar, who threatens to kill herself if he leaves? It's blowing my mind. Grrr

Compassion is not flippant.

 

[BiBunny]

I didn't mean to quote all of njlauren's post but I didn't have the time to pick out the several sentences to which, I specifically wanted to reply.

How are you all so flippant about a disease spreading, liar, who threatens to kill herself if he leaves? It's blowing my mind. Grrr

I don't have a lot of sympathy for her, personally.

It's true that if she has HPV, condoms don't really help. Either way, the woman's clearly a nutter, and he's better off without her. When I was young and stupid, I was with a man who threatened to kill himself every time I tried to leave him, and I was dumb enough to believe it for years. Finally, I got so sick of it that I offered to load the gun up for him if he'd just leave me the fuck alone. Needless to say, he's still kicking. (My only excuse for being a dumbass is that I was 19 years old.)

She's clearly manipulative and probably a flaming narcissist. Yes, I'm sure she needs help, but it's not this poor soul's place to give it. It's so, so, so hard to get out of relationships with people like that if you're at all inclined to play white knight--and I totally am, so I'm not hating on the guy--because they will find your weak spots and use them against you. He's better off that he discovered it now and walked than he would've been otherwise.

ETA: Before anyone calls me a hypocrite, I would like to say that while I have been at terrible points in my life when I wanted to die, I have never and would never use suicide as a threat to get other people to do what I want. It takes a special kind of asshole to do that, and it's an asshole you don't want to have anything to do with if you can possibly help it, which I know from bitter experience.

 

[subwannabe]

One of the big questions is, what else is she not being honest about? Maybe she's got HIV. She's a whacko if she mentioned suicide. Sounds like one of those loser guys telling a woman that if she dumps him he's going to kill himself. I like the idea of changing your name and moving to another state. Maybe even another country. If you can't do that then stay as far away from her as you can. Chalk this up to a learning experience and say a few prayers that you don't come down with something.

 

[Dyslexicea]

ETA: Before anyone calls me a hypocrite, I would like to say that while I have been at terrible points in my life when I wanted to die, I have never and would never use suicide as a threat to get other people to do what I want. It takes a special kind of asshole to do that, and it's an asshole you don't want to have anything to do with if you can possibly help it, which I know from bitter experience.

I've been there also Bunny and I didn't threaten nor did I tell anyone, I just slit my wrists laid in the tub and watched my life slip away. Not that it matters but I believe it was a Miracle I'm still here. Maybe if I would have threatened someone would have realized how far into the abyss I'd gone. I don't think from what GalaxyGoat wrote it sounds at all like the experience you had when you were 19.

Later I broke up with her. A few days later she started texting me talking about wanting to commit suicide. She didn't.
A few weeks later she messaged me again saying she missed me and she was really sorry

It doesn't sound to me like she was continually threatening suicide, it sound to me like a cry for help. Maybe it isn't his responsibility to give her help but if not him who? I am not suggesting he have a relationship with her what she did is inexcusable but that is up to him to decide. What I'm saying is that if he doesn't at least try to help her and she does commit suicide he'll never forgive himself.

 

[BiBunny]

I've been there also Bunny and I didn't threaten nor did I tell anyone, I just slit my wrists laid in the tub and watched my life slip away. Not that it matters but I believe it was a Miracle I'm still here. Maybe if I would have threatened someone would have realized how far into the abyss I'd gone. I don't think from what GalaxyGoat wrote it sounds at all like the experience you had when you were 19.

Well, I, for one, am glad you're still here.

 

[Dyslexicea]

Well, I, for one, am glad you're still here.