I, Anonymous

[MorgaineLaFay]

I was reading through the archives of a local paper...I love this column


I'D RATHER BE SCREWING

Yes, I come in late to work. But no, it is not because I had an argument with my housemates, or my cat ran outside and I had to get her back in the house. The truth is that I come in late most days because I am having sex. Great sex. I wake up when I should be driving to work and fuck the shit out of my boyfriend. I'm a horny bitch and am consumed by my libido. It's too bad you hate me--I know you do, being the fat, ugly, old cunt that you are. You bitch at me for coming in 10 minutes late. But the fact is that my fantastic multiple orgasms are worth it. Sorry you're crusty and no one wants to fuck you anymore. It sure sucks to be you. Just know that 15 minutes before I was sitting in your staff meeting, I was either sucking a big cock or being fucked senseless. It's the best way to get my day off to a good start.

Don't be jealous, just be happy for me.


--Anonymous

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

I, ANONYMOUS

I'M THE BIGGEST WIMP IN THE WORLD

I can't stand you. You're not a man, you're a boy with money. You're pathetic. You want me to rot in this hell-hole of a relationship, don't you? We don't have sex because you repulse me, we don't go out because I can't stand to be near you, and we don't talk because I don't like you. Why did I have to SIGN A FUCKING LEASE? What will it take for you to dump me? I try to drop hints by sulking around the house, because I want to be put out of my misery. The person you were when we met has turned into a pussy, and if you were a real man, you wouldn't take this shit. We'll, here's a fucking clue: There is no future! A couple of months and its all OVER. I will never again have to deal with your ugly, boring, close-minded pussy ass. Please dump me: I'm not sure that I'll make it through these last two months, and I don't want to be responsible for the rent.

--Anonymous

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

I, ANONYMOUS

I LOVE BEING A SEXIST PIG

Sure, I notice your judgmental stares when I stroll into the office at 11. And I actually do intend to stay a full eight hours when I come in, but I am pretty much bored of work by about 4:00. SO I LEAVE.... even if I took a two hour lunch. I know that you're all hourly and have deep resentments towards salaried folks who take advantage of "flex hours." And I sometimes think about feeling guilty that I actually negotiated my salary prior to being hired, and make more than twice as much as most of you, plus extra benefits that no one else gets. But then I don't. Then I go back to browsing the Internet all day. Am I taking advantage of being a college-educated, white male? Sure! Is it a striking example of sexism that most of you are fortysomething women, making an hourly salary of $11 an hour, where I am a twenty- something male, getting over 50 grand a year, whether I come to work four hours a day or 12? YES! Am I going to feel personal guilt for the system that enables this? HELL NO. Am I going to pay any heed to your looks as I stroll in with my tan because I took off a day and spent it enjoying life outside? FUCK NO!

--Anonymous

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

I, ANONYMOUS

E.T. PHONE COPS!

You fucking slut. You fucking piggy-tailed bitch. What made you think that it was cool for you to steal my vintage E.T. stocking cap? Sure, I suppose I was drunk, but is that any reason for you to take one of my most prized possessions? I pray to God, Allah, and every other fucking entity to wreak havoc on your sorry ass, and not any of that small shit either, I'm talking about fire and brimstone, you cunt. I can picture you now, after the incident, crawling home with some guy's cock in your mouth, and my priceless hat covering your stupid fucking pigtails. You think you have one up on me. Well, let me tell you, I've still got mesh, bitch. That's right, I still have an old skool E.T. mesh baseball cap that I wear with pride. I have let my peeps know, and we all have our eyes peeled. So next time, be careful whose cock you take home. It might be your last.

--Anonymous

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

I, ANONYMOUS

IMPOTENCE IS NOT OKAY


I didn't tell you that it was okay when you couldn't get it up for me, because it wasn't. It was humiliating for me too. But that doesn't mean you have to make me feel like it was my fault for not sucking your dick. I don't have a problem with giving head; I love it as much as the next red-blooded heterosexual woman. But I won't go down before sex. Do you have any idea how many guys will just collect their blow jobs and leave? I have to watch out for myself and make sure my own needs get met. It's been 19 months since I had sex, so you know I'm not messing around. I want you to hold me down and goddamn nail me. If you can't handle that, then yeah, we should just be friends.

Sorry if that intimidates you or whatever. See you around.

--Anonymous

 

[HeavyStick]

*slowly stepping forward*

Hi Morgie. *Hands you a small bouquet of daisies.*


*slowing stepping back*

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

I, ANONYMOUS

YOUR BOYFRIEND IS IN LOVE WITH ME

I didn't fuck your boyfriend. But I could have. Instead, I was your loyal friend. Even though I knew (from his own mouth) that your boyfriend only loved you like a sister and only stayed with you out of security (he didn't want to dump you in a new town). Before he met me, he hadn't met the woman he wanted to be with. You're not his type. You are too fat, too unadventurous, and there is no spark there for him. He told me this, but I put your friendship above my feeling that he is my soulmate, that we are each one half of the same person, and kept my mouth shut. When your stupid, nasty, skeezing friend (who would have fucked him in a heartbeat had he shown the slightest interest) told you that I had told her I was in love with him and I was trying to fuck him, you of course believed that bitch and flushed our friendship. Then you exploited the fact that he wasn't going to dump you on your ass, and that he would still fuck you (which you thought meant he loved you--but it was really just pity-fucking), and kept skipping your birth control. You may think that just because you got knocked up and got him to move 80 miles away from me you are going to keep him. Yes, he's loyal and not going to dump you while you're carrying his child, he'll help you through all that shit and force me to the back of his mind (for now). But you've only succeeded in delaying fate. The next time you see me, I'll be dripping cum all over your sheets while he pounds the shit out of me, and I won't need to get pregnant to keep him.

--Anonymous

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

I, ANONYMOUS

GET A JOB, CRACKHEAD

My name is not "YO!" The proper way to get a man's attention is, "excuse me," preferably not hollered. Is there something about me that makes me look like an ATM for Crackhead National Bank? Anyway, I don't really believe you were a firefighter, and though you get points for following current events, it wouldn't move me to give, even if I had watched the 9/11 special the other night.

I almost believed your second claim about being a Vietnam veteran, but even so, you were clearly tweaked out. Fat chance I'd give you cash for more of whatever it is you were high on. My own father became a homeless alcoholic after wrecking two families with his addiction; I never gave him a penny. What makes you think I have a dime for you? My dad later got himself a job and an apartment. I realize social services are inadequate and getting your shit together isn't easy, but no worthwhile life change is. So, here's a tip. Next time, ask me for a sandwich, and ask politely. And don't spit at people when they don't pay up. Someone less sympathetic might try to run your stinky ass down on their way out of the parking lot. Good luck, and God bless.

--Anonymous

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

I, ANONYMOUS

I FUCKED YOUR BOYFRIEND AND I DON'T CARE

Remember two months ago, when your boyfriend came home a little late after work and told you that he was stuck at an emergency appointment with a patient? Well, he wasn't. He was fucking me. It really was the first time that we've done it (and god knows the last--I have no idea how you deal with his, uh, skills). At first, I felt very guilty about it. I mean, I've had dinner with you. I've gone shopping with you. But now, I realize that this situation is your fault. I mean, you should know you're in a totally dysfunctional relationship. Let's list the reasons, shall we? 1) Your boyfriend is an alcoholic. 2) His co-workers know more about his personal life than you. 3) He cheated on his last girlfriend to be with you. 4) The only interaction the two of you have is screaming, violent fights about money and the dog. Puh-lease. Oh yeah, and you know those cotton boxers with the fish on them from Banana Republic that you bought him? I'm wearing them right now.

--Anonymous

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

I, ANONYMOUS

TO MY HORRIBLE ROOMMATE:

People as gross as you should not be allowed to have sex. Clearly, you have loud sex not because you are into it, but because you have something to prove. One morning, you burst into the kitchen to announce "Sorry if we kept you up last night--We were really rockin!" Okay, I'm gonna be sick. First of all, you DIDN'T keep me up, and I would have been MUCH happier NOT knowing that you had been making disgusting love last night. There is no need to spread that diseased knowledge around. Even if I had heard you, I do not want to discuss it the next morning over a steaming bowl of oatmeal and melted brown sugar. Here is something else you actually said out loud: "My boyfriend is an idiot and annoys the hell out of me. I would dump him in a second if he didn't fuck me so good." VOMIT!! May the earth rend itself open and swallow your unworthy soul into its flaming bowels to be slowly shat into what will surely be a gloriously dark and painful afterlife. I hate living with you. You suck.

--Anonymous

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

I, ANONYMOUS

GET OFF MY GIRL, DAWG

To all the various non-Aryan guys out there, STOP TRYING TO PICK UP ON MY GIRLFRIEND! Because I'm dark skinned, and she's quite light, you think you have license to make your silly high-school moves as soon as I turn my back. Here's a light bulb with the switch turned on for ya: She's not interested in any of you! As people, maybe, but not when you start your Rico Suave impersonation and start slobbering all over her, which seems to be the case every time we go out to a club. Maybe you see yourself in my position and just can't help thinking how nice it would be to get your hands on her milky white size 36Ds, but approaching a woman with that attitude will most likely get you a condescending smile at best, more deservedly a smack in the head. Yeah, she's a babe, but not a child, so grow up, act like a real man, and get a life. We're together because we have a lot in common, I treat her with respect, and rock her world in bed. You might try doing the same with the women you meet and maybe then you can start leaving us alone.

--Anonymous

 

[curious2c]

um...Here's a box of chocolates, and a vase of flowers...would you like a back rub? Neck massage? How about dinner and a movie? heh heh...Did you hear the one about the...no? oh...well I hope you get to feeling better soon.

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

I didn't write these...I thought they were hilarious, fucking hilarious. Must be wet city humor.

 

[JerseyBoy]

shit...I don't see anything half as good in my local forum

these are great...

 

[curious2c]

They are funny, but they must have been in an underground paper? I can't see them in the New York Daily or Washington Post. Sound like real deals too.

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

It's a column from a Seattle paper.

 

[HeavyStick]

Well you can keep the bouquet I gave you.

It'll look good in your new place.

 

[curious2c]

Next time I go through Seattle I am going to look it up...sounds interesting for sure.

 

[tyme]

those are great!!!

 

[freakygirl]

It's a column from a Seattle paper.

I need to know what the name of this paper is. LOL

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

Well you can keep the bouquet I gave you.

It'll look good in your new place.

hehe

Freaks...it's the Stranger.

 

[freakygirl]

hehe

Freaks...it's the Stranger.

Thank you

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

I, ANONYMOUS

LOVE ME, LOVE MY GUN

To all you gun-hating folk who will surely use the Littleton tragedy as a soapbox for your misguided views: Please go, as soon as possible, and FUCK YOURSELVES.

I'm sick of arrogant, whiny shits trying to impose their views on me and every other law-abiding firearm owner. I'm sure you don't want to be lectured on how much you drink, smoke, or whether or not you wear a condom while you fuck each other in the ass--so why should you have a say on whether or not I own a gun?

Many of you would be pleased to see cops kicking in doors and searching homes to confiscate weapons, wouldn't you? But what if they decided to take a peek inside your liquor cabinet, medicine chest, bookshelves, or your mail... how would that be? It would be like goddamn Cuba (where they jail the HIV-positive), or Saudi Arabia (where they kill women who cheat on their spouses), or perhaps like that mecca of human rights we know as the People's Republic of China.

If I keep guns in my home, or carry them legally with a permit (which involves giving the cops my fingerprints and my personal history), and use them for target shooting or hunting, how then, exactly, is this any of your business? It isn't. Period.

So go find some other cause which doesn't trample my rights or tread on my freedoms. Or if you must assuage your guilt about Littleton, then try being nicer to those dumb-ass Goths.

--Anonymous

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

I, ANONYMOUS

I HOPE I GAVE YOU HERPES

After talking on one of those gay chat lines, we hooked up in your studio apartment. The sex was hot--I ate your ass out and fucked you silly. And how we kissed--you're so sexy, with those thick, soft lips. What are you anyway, mulatto? Puerto Rican? Who cares; you're a hottie.

By the time we hooked up for a second time, you had moved, and I picked you up and took you back to my place. We kissed and sucked and had a hot time; we even shared a dildo. I liked you, and I was hoping we could fuck around every now and then, especially since you lived nearby. But things have changed.

When I try to reach you online now, you refuse to talk to me. Why the attitude? Is it because you moved to a different neighborhood and refer to yourself as a call boy? How come you've turned into such a stuck-up little shit?

Oh yeah, by the way, the first time I ate your butt out, I had a herpes sore on my lip. It was on its way out, but your boy-pussy might never be the same. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause, asshole.

--Anonymous

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

I, ANONYMOUS

CONDESCENDING BITCH!

As I walked behind you into the QFC on 15th Avenue late in the evening, an older homeless man asked you for some change. I cannot believe that your response to that request was, "Are you going to buy alcohol with it?" And when he said no, you asked him if he were "bullshitting you."

Jesus, lady. What's wrong with you? Who gives the wrong end of a rat's ass what he does with that money?! He's a grown man and can do whatever the hell he wants with whatever money he has. Once you give it to him, it's his. Don't want him to buy booze? Then don't give him any of your damn money. Just because you have the thing he wants and needs doesn't mean you can treat him like a child. If I were homeless, I'd drink all the time. Especially if I had to deal with your condescending "I know what's best for you" crap. What makes you think that it was okay to talk to him that way? Because he's on the street and you're in a Lexus? Because he's black and you are Wonder-bread white?

That was one of the most disgusting displays of power I've ever witnessed. Did you even realize you were humiliating him? If you were so worried about it, you could have gone in and bought him a sandwich. Since I was so blown away by your arrogance, there was no way I could recover in time to punch you in the face. So the only regret I do have is that I didn't go into the store and buy him a case of beer. We could have downed it together and pissed all over your SUV.

--Anonymous