That was the response I got from my husband when I asked him, during the aweful fight tonight that has yet to end, what he is supposedly doing about what he said he'd do to fix things the last time we fought. He said that he would try to make up to me what he put me through out last week, just like every other time he said he'd try and make it up to me.. what ever he did last time.. or the time before that...
There is a difference between doing something I need help with and making up to me what an asshole he can be.
Let's see. How would one make up these things to another person that they've repeatedly hurt, devastated, and nearly topped of the 'destruction of all of her self esteem to keep her weak and wrapped around my finger' job that the other two boyfriends had started??
How about try to not be condescending, try to not patronize me when you are the one that is at fault, as if your deficiencies are my doing? How about you try to embrace me with a warm hug and touch me when I come to you, showing that I want to forgive you, and that I am giving you a chance to reassure me that we are still in a bond, after we fight because you have patronized me, rather than staring at me with what you call a smile and I call a smirk, as you did. But instead you did nothing because you thought I came over and cuddled up near you, partly lying on you, because you thought I wanted to tell you what we were going to do tonight, as if the pain and uncertainty of where we stand just disappeared after you half assedly asserted that you were "sorry", but still were unable to identify with what you should have done, rather than patronized me?
Oh, yeah, I feel tons better.
How about when I ask you how it is that you figure your doing right by me (making things up) by blowing off what you did, and then being that way, in different circumstances, not even a week later, that you don't stare at me like an idiot and then say
"I am painting your hallway for you, aren't I?"
I cannot give my heart to someone who cannot at least empathize, much less sympathize with another human being on a basic level, such as the idea that after pain and hurt, should come consistent amends, and loving embraces, and reassurances that things are going to be worked on.
This has been going on far too long.
My marriage is failing. It will end soon I am sure.
I don't want it to, but I can't nor even want to try and make someone be something they are not. I don't even have the energy to fix myself for the most part. I also can't stay with the pain. It is only making me sicker. I try to escape into my art, and it is good, but then I feel that it is so artificial a replacement. I want my art to stand on it's own. Not be driven by pain.
I am sorry to say these things here. I am really alone right now and don't have anything to depend on. I am scared, and I am afraid more that I'll just give in to putting up with this bullshit, and end up in a life of regret, because I am scared to be alone in this time of illness, when I can barely take care of myself, due to my being so sick. I am loosing hope fast, and that is all I have to keep me going.
I am so hurt right now, that in his mind, doing a duty that would have to happen one way or another, is his idea of making up for the pain he has caused me.
I think I am done. I can't do this anymore.
There is a difference between doing something I need help with and making up to me what an asshole he can be.
Let's see. How would one make up these things to another person that they've repeatedly hurt, devastated, and nearly topped of the 'destruction of all of her self esteem to keep her weak and wrapped around my finger' job that the other two boyfriends had started??
How about try to not be condescending, try to not patronize me when you are the one that is at fault, as if your deficiencies are my doing? How about you try to embrace me with a warm hug and touch me when I come to you, showing that I want to forgive you, and that I am giving you a chance to reassure me that we are still in a bond, after we fight because you have patronized me, rather than staring at me with what you call a smile and I call a smirk, as you did. But instead you did nothing because you thought I came over and cuddled up near you, partly lying on you, because you thought I wanted to tell you what we were going to do tonight, as if the pain and uncertainty of where we stand just disappeared after you half assedly asserted that you were "sorry", but still were unable to identify with what you should have done, rather than patronized me?
Oh, yeah, I feel tons better.
How about when I ask you how it is that you figure your doing right by me (making things up) by blowing off what you did, and then being that way, in different circumstances, not even a week later, that you don't stare at me like an idiot and then say
"I am painting your hallway for you, aren't I?"
I cannot give my heart to someone who cannot at least empathize, much less sympathize with another human being on a basic level, such as the idea that after pain and hurt, should come consistent amends, and loving embraces, and reassurances that things are going to be worked on.
This has been going on far too long.
My marriage is failing. It will end soon I am sure.
I don't want it to, but I can't nor even want to try and make someone be something they are not. I don't even have the energy to fix myself for the most part. I also can't stay with the pain. It is only making me sicker. I try to escape into my art, and it is good, but then I feel that it is so artificial a replacement. I want my art to stand on it's own. Not be driven by pain.
I am sorry to say these things here. I am really alone right now and don't have anything to depend on. I am scared, and I am afraid more that I'll just give in to putting up with this bullshit, and end up in a life of regret, because I am scared to be alone in this time of illness, when I can barely take care of myself, due to my being so sick. I am loosing hope fast, and that is all I have to keep me going.
I am so hurt right now, that in his mind, doing a duty that would have to happen one way or another, is his idea of making up for the pain he has caused me.
I think I am done. I can't do this anymore.
