I am not a cold fish

[Guest]

Forgive me for not posting under the name most of you know me as this is kind of embarassing.

My marriage hasn't been great for the last few months. Last week my husband threatened to leave me if I don't stop being so *frigid* in the bedroom. I've done all I can. The problem is him. I've tried to spice things up a little. Done things like very light bondage with scarves, adult videos, a little role playing, and he calls it all sick. Sex with him is 5 minutes in the missionary position until he cums, and then done and over with. He got a couple of those better sex videos that are thinly veiled porn and then wouldn't watch them.

Right now I don't care if he leaves. Our bedroom problems carry over into other areas of our lives. We don't have any kids so that's not a concern about hurting them. Like for instance, he has his share of the "chores" to do at home. He doesn't do them and then yells at me either because they didn't get done or because I didn't remind him. He doesn't want to take responsibility for ANYTHING just blames me.

He's not violent to me and never would be. He would never force himself on me. He's basically a good man. I've tried to get him to go to couseling with me, even making it sound like our problems were my fault so he'd go but he won't. Should I still try or just let him go?

 

[Pokerman]

Sorry to hear about your problems...I know it can be tough.


You need to ask yourself the old Ann Landers (or is it Dear Abby?) question:

"Are you better off with him, or without him?"

 

[KillerMuffin]

Have the two of you actually sat down and discussed it? Rather than rely on things like videos and ideas that bring spice into the bedroom, have talked about it?

He has his own fantasy set and you're not living up to it. You have your fantasy set and he's not living up to it. Have you asked him what he wants in bed? Or did you just try to come up with something inventive that might have made him uncomfortable? He sounds like a straight laced kind of kind of guy who doesn't want wild sex, he just want to make love face to face and can't understand why you aren't.

Try frank, open communication.

 

[juicylips]

It takes two...

and it sounds as if you are in a relationship with just one..yourself.

He isn't giving you anything to work with or work on. Get out before your self esteem is totally gone. Thankfully there is no children or my answer might be different. If you can look in mirror and say to yourself, I have given everything I have to give and it still isn't enough for him....

Leave, hon.

Cassidy

PM me if you like. Like to hear how things turn out

 

[bluespoke]

You sound so desperately unhappy. I agree with Pokerman you do have to ask yourself whether you are better with or without him.

Also, have you a close friend in R/L that you can discuss this with in detail? Even a good friend here that you could PM? If your husband won't listen, you sound as if you need to have someone to talk to.

I'm sure you must have friends here that will lend a sympathetic ear and talk things through with you.

Whatever you do decide to do, don't do it in haste.

 

[MunchinMark]

I'd just like to underline that last line in bluspoke's post.

Take your time (I know he said he might leave, but don't act rashly yourself) and come to a decision about what you want to do.

Ask him what he means by your being a cold fish. You need to know what he meant, because, from what you have told us his statement doesn't sound like it was what he meant to say.

But at all times, keep calm and talk to people (even me if you have to) if it gets a bit much.

 

[Mischka]

I've tried to get him to go to couseling with me, even making it sound like our problems were my fault so he'd go but he won't.

From the small amount of evidence you've presented here, your husband sounds like a controlling, verbally abusive man. He finds fault in everything you do in order to assert his control over you. You are caving into his opinions, and it's obvious this pains you.

Go to counseling without him. Your self-esteem is on the line. No matter if you decide to salvage this relationship, or move on without him, you need reassurance that you are a good person.

Take care, and good luck.

 

[MissTaken]

I have to agree with KM.

Have you discussed your needs with him? Has he discussed his with you? Were these talks in the heat of an arguement or in a setting where you both felt safe speaking openly.

You may find that if he understands your current thinking , Fight or Flight?, he may be more willing to work on your marriage.

Or you may find that he, too, is desperately unhappy.

Either way, the first step is to find out where each of you are mentally and emotionally.

If he is verbally abusive etc, you may want to consider counseling for yourself first.

You both deserve happiness and obviously, at some point in time, you both felt happiness would be found together.

Whatever you chose, careful planning needs to take place.

Good Luck and Be well,
Miss T