I am new. Red my story and send me the feedback

[lovepriya]

Hi!
I am new to thi site nad just started posting my stories. Please read it and send your comments so that i can write better next time.
I would also like to exchange mails with other couples.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=162178

Priya

 

[GingerV]

Hi Priya,

This is going to be a short review, I'm afraid. One way and another, I've had some experience with people writing in a language that they weren't raised with. I want to applaud you for taking a shot at writing this in English, I couldn't possibly do as well in ANY other language . But there are places you can improve, in terms of technical grammer.

The problem is I'm not sure how much formal English you've studied, so I don't think general comments will help much. What I'd really recommend is that you find one of the wonderful volunteer editors here to go through it and create a copy with all the changes in bold (or green, or whatever). Then you can go back through the story, and ask them why they made any changes you don't understand the rules for.

In terms of content, I'm afraid you're in the wrong category to start. It seems like the "I" of the story is more of a budding Voyuer, and this really wasn't her first time. That alone might get you some discouraging votes/feedback...don't let those get you down. I don't know what the policies/steps would be to have it moved into the proper category...maybe one of the more informed folks around here would be able to help?

The most arrousing thing about your story (and where most of the action seemed to take place) was between Shefali and the two nameless men. The hook wasn't the sex, in particular, it was the image of your narrator watching all the action without Shefali knowing it. She doesn't remember, and we're never told, what's happening to HER during that time....and I kind of like that twist. BUT, I don't think you really make the most of the situation. Your narrator is a reporter here, this happened then that happened, but nothing about how watching her friend behave that way made HER feel. I honestly don't know if it was turning her on. I think if you'd shared her response to what she was seeing, the story would've been working on multiple levels. It just feels like you missed a great opportunity.

In any case, welcome!!, and I hope this was the sort of thing you were looking for.

G