I Am A Story

[Liar]

Weirdest thing just happened. I started writing a story. (I intend to finish it, for once there is not a zillion othet things stealing my attention.) And for some reason it took on a first person narrator's perspective. But not from a story teller, but from the story itself. It has a voice,

This is new terrotiry for me, so I'm trying to find out if this will fly or just confuse the egg nog out of the readers. If somebody have the time, I would really like to hear your reaction to this opening of the story below. (Bear in mind that it's a first draft, so there may be other things that sucks about it at this point, like some dumb tense changes that I'll correct later. It's the perspective issue that I wonder about.)

Has anyone else written stories from odder perspectives than your regular 1st 2nd and 3rd dude? What are your experiences with it? Any wisdom to share?


Here's da excerpt (or opening):
--------------------------------------------
A story does not sleep. You have heard thousands, maybe more. Novels, rumors, legends and anecdotes, and you may think you have forgotten them, but they merely hide in the abandoned corridors of your mnemonic palace. A story lingers there, it's sensors spread across the perimeter of your awareness, listening, watching, sensing every nuance you experience. It waits for the spark, the trigger to recollection. Like a pollen particle in the desert, on a stubborn race against the improbable rain. If it is enough, the spark will come.

I am a story, and you will read, and probably think you forget. But I will linger, and listen. And one day I will bloom in your mind, explode in a swirl of connotations and connectors., reasons and references. Then, and only then, will you truly know why you read me.

I am the story of Lapis, who tamed lions, and Monia who tamed Lapis, and Tesla, who tamed them both. I am old, older than the tales of kings and prophets that have shaped the world of men, older than most tales of gods and monsters, although I am a tale of gods and monsters too. Most old tales are, one way or the other. But I am so old, that words of wanton, the magic of lust and the power of flesh had not yet been stained with shame. So bear with me, although concepts might seem alien, I can assure you that they are more familiar than you have been lead to believe.

I begin on the plains, in the thigh high dry grass. Sun crazy mosquitoes hover in columns over grazing small game in the distance. Sun weary seedling pods vibrates with life like they only do once every year, threatens to burst into a riot of color at the most gentle touch. There is not a sound, but the faint rustle of termites on the ground. The air is perfectly still, and so is Lapis. The only thing moving is his heart, beating on a stealth pulse. His shoulders gleam with faint drops of sweat, and strands of his hair cling to his neck. His back is straight, his head scouting, but his legs are strained, kneeling in the hunter’s stance with one closed fist in the dirt and one closed around the spear. His eyes were fixed on a huddling shape fifty steps ahead, and his lips were fixed in a daunting smile. The lion was his. It just didn’t know it yet.
--------------------------------------------

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Weirdest thing just happened. I started writing a story. (I intend to finish it, for once there is not a zillion othet things stealing my attention.) And for some reason it took on a first person narrator's perspective. But not from a story teller, but from the story itself. It has a voice,

This is new terrotiry for me, so I'm trying to find out if this will fly or just confuse the egg nog out of the readers. If somebody have the time, I would really like to hear your reaction to this opening of the story below. (Bear in mind that it's a first draft, so there may be other things that sucks about it at this point, like some dumb tense changes that I'll correct later. It's the perspective issue that I wonder about.)

Has anyone else written stories from odder perspectives than your regular 1st 2nd and 3rd dude? What are your experiences with it? Any wisdom to share?


Here's da excerpt (or opening):
--------------------------------------------
A story does not sleep. You have heard thousands, maybe more. Novels, rumors, legends and anecdotes, and you may think you have forgotten them, but they merely hide in the abandoned corridors of your mnemonic palace. A story lingers there, it's sensors spread across the perimeter of your awareness, listening, watching, sensing every nuance you experience. It waits for the spark, the trigger to recollection. Like a pollen particle in the desert, on a stubborn race against the improbable rain. If it is enough, the spark will come.

I am a story, and you will read, and probably think you forget. But I will linger, and listen. And one day I will bloom in your mind, explode in a swirl of connotations and connectors., reasons and references. Then, and only then, will you truly know why you read me.

I am the story of Lapis, who tamed lions, and Monia who tamed Lapis, and Tesla, who tamed them both. I am old, older than the tales of kings and prophets that have shaped the world of men, older than most tales of gods and monsters, although I am a tale of gods and monsters too. Most old tales are, one way or the other. But I am so old, that words of wanton, the magic of lust and the power of flesh had not yet been stained with shame. So bear with me, although concepts might seem alien, I can assure you that they are more familiar than you have been lead to believe.

I begin on the plains, in the thigh high dry grass. Sun crazy mosquitoes hover in columns over grazing small game in the distance. Sun weary seedling pods vibrates with life like they only do once every year, threatens to burst into a riot of color at the most gentle touch. There is not a sound, but the faint rustle of termites on the ground. The air is perfectly still, and so is Lapis. The only thing moving is his heart, beating on a stealth pulse. His shoulders gleam with faint drops of sweat, and strands of his hair cling to his neck. His back is straight, his head scouting, but his legs are strained, kneeling in the hunter’s stance with one closed fist in the dirt and one closed around the spear. His eyes were fixed on a huddling shape fifty steps ahead, and his lips were fixed in a daunting smile. The lion was his. It just didn’t know it yet.
--------------------------------------------

I think it's awesome Liar.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Me too. This spoke to me. Keep on.

 

[Liar]

Thanks, guys. I guess the "living story" thing didn't clash for you then?

You think I should leave it behind after the intro and go on with the story as a "normal" 3rd person piece, or keep on reminding the reader that "I" am talking to them?

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Thanks, guys. I guess the "living story" thing didn't clash for you then?

You think I should leave it behind after the intro and go on with the story as a "normal" 3rd person piece, or keep on reminding the reader that "I" am talking to them?

I say stay with it Liar. It's uniwuq, at least in my reading experience and as carson said, it spoke to me.

 

[Liar]

I say stay with it Liar. It's uniwuq, at least in my reading experience and as carson said, it spoke to me.

Cool. I'll try that.

Thanks for taking the time.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Thanks, guys. I guess the "living story" thing didn't clash for you then?

You think I should leave it behind after the intro and go on with the story as a "normal" 3rd person piece, or keep on reminding the reader that "I" am talking to them?

You could do either, I think. How does it speak to you? that's what matters. Sometimes a unique style will turn the reader off after a bit. Not saying this will happen here, Just a thought.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Cool. I'll try that.

Thanks for taking the time.

No need for thats it was cool of you to share

 

[Tom Collins]

Whoa, Liar! It gave me shivers. In a good way, a very good way! I definatly want to read the rest of it! Thumbs up from the peanut gallery, dude.
One suggestion though, incorrporate contractions. It makes the words flow better because people use them in speach without thinking about it, so that means that they tend to think in them. I know I can't speak for everyone, but when I'm reading a story that doesn't utilize contractions, I tend hang for a second at the places that they should have been used converting "they are" into "they're" and that sort of thing. It makes the momentum of the piece very slightly jagged for me.

 

[yui]

Has anyone else written stories from odder perspectives than your regular 1st 2nd and 3rd dude? What are your experiences with it? Any wisdom to share?

I really like it, liar.

Have you read The Collector Collector? It is told from the perspecitve of "an erudite piece of pottery". I loved it.

Edited to say: The Collector Collector is simply a different perspective of narrative voice, I don't mean to imply the Story is the Narrator; therefore, the book might have zero pertinence to this topic ....

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thanks for that link, Yui! I liked the tone and I think I'll order it- after Xmas, though.

Thanks, guys. I guess the "living story" thing didn't clash for you then?

You think I should leave it behind after the intro and go on with the story as a "normal" 3rd person piece, or keep on reminding the reader that "I" am talking to them?

There's actually a name for this- it's metafiction.

in metafiction, the characters sometimes know they are in a story. Italo Calvino wrote a couple of excellent examples. one was called "If on a Winter's Night a Traveler" which involed re-starting the novel over and over- untill the characters get mad and take over the story.

A story that knows what it is is an excellent device, and I hope you can keep it going!

 

[BlackShanglan]

Excellent narrative device! I very much like it. I shall try not to be too jealous - it helps that it's you.

 

[Liar]

Holy cow on a pogo stick! I actually wrote and finished the whole damn thing in one sitting. That must be a first for me. The narrator's voice is phased out, and the story takes over, but I still like the fact that it begins as a meta story. Gave it a funky legend-ish feeling.


If I can just lure someone into doing a proofread (yes, this is a cry for help ) to pick up what MSWord and my own eyes have missed, I could have this puppy posted in no-time.

 

[Liar]

I really like it, liar.

Have you read The Collector Collector? It is told from the perspecitve of "an erudite piece of pottery". I loved it.

No but it's definitely on my to-read list now. The "sex, murder, and frozen iguanas"-quote from the Amazon review closed the deal.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

If you can keep up the conceit--the idea that the story is talking about itself--and still tell the story, go for it. I'd worry that it might just degenerate into a regular story with a gimmicky intro if you can't sustain it though.

I used the idea of telling a story as a kind of sexual act--penetrating the reader, seducing and impregnating them--in "Pillar in the Garden", but only in passing. If you can sustain this, it would be pretty cool.

--Zoot

 

[Liar]

If you can keep up the conceit--the idea that the story is talking about itself--and still tell the story, go for it. I'd worry that it might just degenerate into a regular story with a gimmicky intro if you can't sustain it though.

Not sure I should sustain it really. Even if the storyteller is the story itself in this case, it would be a bad storyteller if it let it's own person take over the focus from the story that it is telling. As it looks now, it starts with an introduction by "itself", and then goes on as a regular story. I might toss in the occational reminder of the first person if I can make it sound right. And I'm pondering if I should bring in the narrtor again at the end to sum it up. It seems like the good thing to do.

 

[amicus]

Hmmm...'Omniscient' comes to mind and I have not read much that really utilizes the full range of the 'omni' meanings and descriptions.

Jean Auel, in Clan of the Cave Bear, with the Mogur, tripping through the history of man, the mental history of the species, is the only example I can think of at the moment.

I suggest you follow your instinct, if not in the current story, then as an experimentation, to see how long you could sustain that point of view, it is a tantalyzing challenge, to me, to control all aspects of the character(s) life, the past, present and future, and it could be done in a condescending, 'god like' manner or in a sad determinate way as events occur through fate and destiny.

Any action, emotion, feeling, scenario has been experienced a billion times before in countless settings; to follow, guide, bemoan the characters in a story as it inevitably must develope, with an 'all knowing' viewpoint could be quite the aphrodesiac.

Not sure I was able to get my thoughts put into words enough to communicate, but I hope you got something from it.

Happy New Year!

amicus....

(edited to add: If you are still looking for and edit and even a critique, I would be happy to offer my services.)

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Not sure I should sustain it really. Even if the storyteller is the story itself in this case, it would be a bad storyteller if it let it's own person take over the focus from the story that it is telling. As it looks now, it starts with an introduction by "itself", and then goes on as a regular story. I might toss in the occational reminder of the first person if I can make it sound right. And I'm pondering if I should bring in the narrtor again at the end to sum it up. It seems like the good thing to do.

I like the idea of the story telling us of its struggle to be a story--the false turns the characters took, the inconclusive or ambiguous endings that threatened its existence, the way it had to change things to give itself structure, playing with the idea of what makes life different than fiction, or how fictions gives meaning to life.

But hey, it's 2 in the afternoon and I've already been into the Irish whiskey and wine over here and right now everything seems possible. Merry Christmas!

 

[Liar]

(edited to add: If you are still looking for and edit and even a critique, I would be happy to offer my services.)

Tnx, but I got hold of a proofer already, so I'm set.


Interresting points from both you and DrM about exploring the perspective more thoroughly though. I think I might, but not in this story, the way it eventually turned out.


Have a merry day, both of you.

 

[minsue]

Tnx, but I got hold of a proofer already, so I'm set.

I don't suppose one could still beg a sneak peek at the whole thing, could one? *flutters eyelashes*

 

[Liar]

I don't suppose one could still beg a sneak peek at the whole thing, could one? *flutters eyelashes*

One could, mail is sent.

 

[Black Tulip]

Liar,

I can't wait to read the whole of it.

I agree with others, that it would be interesting to find out, how far you can go with this.
Isn't it great to stumble onto something so exciting?

Have a Merry Christmas.

http://www.addis-welt.de/smilie/smilie/xmas/xmas6.gif

 

[Liar]

Liar,

I can't wait to read the whole of it.

I agree with others, that it would be interesting to find out, how far you can go with this.
Isn't it great to stumble onto something so exciting?

Have a Merry Christmas.

http://www.addis-welt.de/smilie/smilie/xmas/xmas6.gif

I'll pimp it hard and good when it's up for read.

But as I said, it didn't become the focus of the story, the actual story did. The "living text" became a device to apply a certain mood and attitude to the story that I think it needed.

And a very Merry Christmas to you too.