hyperventilation and other reactions: long post, but please advise!

[SkulkinKittikin]

Introductions, apologies if a similar thread exists elsewhere, and et cetera et cetera...

I participated in my first real BDSM adventure last night, and I'm at a total loss as to why my mind reacted as it did. While I don't expect anyone here to provide a satisfactory answer on *that* particular reaction, I'd like to describe what happened in order 1) to understand better, myself, what I'm feeling, and 2) to perhaps get some advice on where to go from here.

The set up: I've been bound and "teased" before in all manner of ways -- genital manipulation, breast torture, flogging (ohmydearheaven, how I love this!), spanking, paddling, wax play, and et cetera. Always I've had full vocal power and have been able to give input on what's being done to my body.

Last night, I participated in a relatively standard exercise with a new Dom (we're auditioning one another to see whether we fit). All appropriate measures of safety and getting to know one another have been and are being taken.

After dinner, while I was kneeling before him and massaging his legs, he outfitted me with wrist and ankle cuffs. He then slid a vibrating egg into my already dripping cunt and nestled one against my clit, too. All but the cuffs were from my toybox, so they're things I'm used to and comfortable with. He also tightened the nipple clamps I love and then ordered me to continue where I'd left off earlier in the evening, worshipping his cock.

After some time of this (which I adore!!), he leaned over my body and grabbed my wrists, hooking the two leather cuffs together so that my arms were pinned behind me. A small bell of terror went off in me, and good man that he is, he asked if I was alright. I admitted that I was nervous and scared, but that I thought I was okay.

After another ten or fifteen minutes, my nose began to run. This isn't uncommon for me when I'm fellating a lover. For some reason (icky as it sounds, and my apologies), my sinuses become active with all of the sucking and licking. However, this was the first time that I couldn't *do* anything about it.

I don't know which was worse, not being able to blow my nose/breathe or not being able to please him in the ways that I wanted to please him (because I couldn't breathe and couldn't use my hands to give me time to clear my head!).

After receiving some slapping (ohmyohmy) and recriminations for my slowed behaviour, I managed to squeak out a request that I be allowed to blow my nose...and then came right back to worshipping his cock. Still, as you may guess, my problem wasn't solved...

And wasn't helped, either, by the fact that he was really getting off on me being so uncomfortable. His penis thickened even more (as they tend to do!), blocking more air from entering my mouth. Add to this the eggs, my feelings of not doing a good job, and that he began switching my ass and upper back, and forcefully fucking my mouth at the same time...well, I was in heaven, but I was also in hell.

He stood and got the cane, eventually releasing his cock from my mouth as my face fell forward to the spot on the sofa where he'd been seated (all lovely warm and smelling of him). As he was caning me, he kept asking how I was doing, and I swear I couldn't answer him.

I was hyperventilating. Rationally, I knew I'd just pass out...and remember thinking "oh, that's all? that's not so bad!"...but I was also a-hoo with emotions of wanting to please him, of not wanting to fail, and (an over-riding concern) wanting to feel the sweet flood of oxygen into my throat and lungs. To his credit, after just 2-3 minutes of me gasping, shaking, gulping, he understood what was happening and released me.

Not to my credit, it took me about an hour to slow my heartbeat back to normal and to draw a breath cleanly. Touch therapy helped me reconnect with myself and him, and the rest of the night was spent in more vanilla pursuits.

Now I'm wondering if maybe I'm not cut out for BDSM. I was terrified, but also having tremendous orgasms at the same time...and most of my fantasies (even after this occurence) feature just such scenarios. I want more, I want different, hell! I even want the same experience again.

So a few things I'd like to accomplish with this post (for those of you still with me):

1) Some reassurance.
2) Some experience shared "from the trenches" of how you've overestimated your abilities.
3) Shared experiences of how you've managed to bring yourself back to the moment so that you can continue enjoying yourself and your lover.
4) Examples of safe signals that don't involve hands/words? (In case this ever happens to me, or to someone else, again!)

Thanks in advance for reading...and for responding.

baptised by BDSM fire,
SKitt

 

[catalina_francisco]

Due to time constraints right now, this will have to be a quicker answer than I would like. Toease your stress a little, I would say this is not a sign you are not cutout for such pursuits, quite the opposite. Panicattacks can happen to most ofus at some time or another, especially if something else is stressing us at the time. I have had my share of them lately, and while its not always fun, it isn't quite finality to play. We are working through it, and it helps (as you found too) that he understands it is real and what is happening and takes steps to relieve the moment if needed. Also a safe sign you can use when bound is to drop a coin or scarf that you have had held in your hand. Hope this helps. BTW, welcome to the board.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

You are totally ok and within the profile of normal : things like this DO happen, and they happen to almost everyone ...sometimes.

One factor I learned in class and said, based on my bottom experinces "damn that's totally true!" -- the minute you get someone BOUND or restrained, their noses tend to stuff - pinching off a nose and leaving a mouth open is still really effective breath play on a bound person. Your body temperature goes up, your sinuses swell a bit, there are a lot of physical things that happen from the psychology of being bound that are hard to take into account sometimes when you are the one tying. All of this may have been due to the cuffing, but also could be induced just by being in a state of "space" and excitement.

Your Top sounds like he handled things fairly well and calmly once aware of the extent. When I have someone who has a not-so-good time with me, I don't see the event as somehow wimping out or inadequate or "bad sub". It's how we both handle ourselves in the aftermath that tells me how I'm going to feel about this person. If a bottom wants to work on things with me, I'm flattered and elated, and I try to foster an atmosphere of comfort and low pressure so that that might happen.

As for safe signals without words or hands -- well you could do the pony stomp with a foot, but...why, really? If someone has to ask to blow her nose while blowing me I'm hardly one to refuse, and if someone has a safeword and uses it, I find no shame in her shortening her personal "hell."

If anything this tale could be an illustration of why safewords and using them are a good idea in general. Tops tend to be disappointed if someone has a bad time and guiltily avoids them or vilifies them when they didn't even know there was a problem -- not when they get safeworded on.

 

[SkulkinKittikin]

many, many thanks

Catalina and Netzach --

I appreciate the time you both took to respond to my post and the intuition you brought to your responses.

Catalina, you're right: I think I'm bringing a lot of emotion into this particular experience because I want so very much to please him, and even more, for him to find me pleasing. Being OCD while engaging in BDSM pursuits could, perhaps, be a dangerous cocktail. <grin> (Throw in any other noodles from the alphabet-soup you wish to make the previous declaration amusing.)

Netzach, you definitely hit the nail on the head by understanding that in no way do I want to villify or "blame" said Sir for what happened. I loved every minute of it. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that "stuffy nasal passages while administering blow jobs" would be a handicap I would need to declare to a Top. I've learned my lesson on that one, though.

And, the pony stamp with my foot...now, that has me in snicker-fits. I think I was wondering, more, about future scenarios which may find me bound and gagged. I realize, though, that such endeavors should not be attempted without One who knows my body and my reactions and is able to gauge my reactions. Still, I hate to rely so heavily on another's intuition of what's going on with *my* being.

My, oh my! I *do* have things through which to sort, haven't I?

 

[Bandit58]

Catalina and Netzach --

I appreciate the time you both took to respond to my post and the intuition you brought to your responses.

Catalina, you're right: I think I'm bringing a lot of emotion into this particular experience because I want so very much to please him, and even more, for him to find me pleasing. Being OCD while engaging in BDSM pursuits could, perhaps, be a dangerous cocktail. <grin> (Throw in any other noodles from the alphabet-soup you wish to make the previous declaration amusing.)

Netzach, you definitely hit the nail on the head by understanding that in no way do I want to villify or "blame" said Sir for what happened. I loved every minute of it. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that "stuffy nasal passages while administering blow jobs" would be a handicap I would need to declare to a Top. I've learned my lesson on that one, though.

And, the pony stamp with my foot...now, that has me in snicker-fits. I think I was wondering, more, about future scenarios which may find me bound and gagged. I realize, though, that such endeavors should not be attempted without One who knows my body and my reactions and is able to gauge my reactions. Still, I hate to rely so heavily on another's intuition of what's going on with *my* being.

My, oh my! I *do* have things through which to sort, haven't I?

Due to a mishap in a swimming pool when I was a child, I tend to panic a bit if I can't get my breath. Master is training me to deep throat, I still gag and cough a little and have to take my mouth away to get my breath back.

We have recently been doing it with Him lying on His back and me between His legs. Now I have tended to raise myself on my hands to take my mouth away to get more air, but the last couple of times He has been holding my forearms down flat on the bed so I am unable to raise my head high enough to take my mouth off. He will push up so His cock is right in my throat and I cannot breathe, just for a few seconds but it seems much longer! I found myself fighting that panicked sensation a couple of times when He has done that, but I've told myself that :

a) Master loves me
b) I trust Master
c) I can do this even if I think I can't

If I relax my neck and tummy muscles and just focus on that, I've found the panicky feelings easing, they don't completely go away but probably with a bit more practice I will find it easier. I never even thought I'd be able to deep throat but with the pushing of limits it's getting better and easier - plus the feeling of being held down is a turn on in itself

 

[DVS]

...My, oh my! I *do* have things through which to sort, haven't I?

Panic attacks are a mental reaction to a certain physical stimulus. If that physical stimulus occurs, our mind triggers on it and panic is the reaction. It is truly all in your mind. But, being one who suffers from panic attacks, I know that isn't much of an answer. You already knew it was all in your mind.

A lot of getting over on your panic attack is knowing your trigger. Personally, my trigger is a stuffed up nose. Not being able to breathe through my nose will send me over the edge. I also have claustrophobia, so that doesn't help.

I use to take medication for this, but because I know my trigger, I can deal with it, without medication. I do have Xanax, for the extreme case, but just knowing it's available seems to be enough. Even that is all in my mind.

The advice you've been given is all very good. And there's no reason you can't continue with your play, if only with a few minor changes to settle your mind that a panic attack won't spoil it for you, again.

Not being able to signal your Master in the chance a panic attack occurs is part of your problem. Mentally, it will prey on your mind, until you are certain you are understood, if and when the need arises. Being bound and essentially helpless isn't going to be a problem if you can still communicate, if necessary. Talking over what will work best for the two of you, in any given situation, will go a long way in calming your worries.

Your Master should not force you to do anything you don't feel safe with, until you can decide on this signal. He must understand this is NOT something to be taken lightly. And, your trust that he will understand and take the necessary action will help a lot in keeping you calm. The calmer you are about any situation, the less you will be likely to panic. When you're not concerned about an attack, the more fun you will be able to have.

Being squeamish about gags is not an uncommon problem. Try a whiffle ball with a rope threaded through it. It has holes for breathing and you can be heard, if you need to get your Master's attention. But, it still has enough of that submissive and humiliation feeling in it. And, the holes allow more slobbering, and I love seeing my sub slobber. LOL.

Know what your trigger is, if possible. Make sure both of you understand any limits that would cause an attack to occur. Decide on a signal, or signals, for any given situation or need. And, if possible, prepare before hand, if it's as simple as blowing your nose, or using a gag that allows audible sounds to be heard or breathing can be achieved, etc.

We all have our little quirks. Getting past them and on to the fun is just a matter of understanding them and controlling them.

 

[SkulkinKittikin]

thank you, one and all

Bandit and DVS for sharing your experiences, my gratitude --

Especially to Bandit, as deepthroating Sir's thicker and longer cock is another lovely playtime I'm working to accomplish. <laughing and blushing> Oh, He is so patient....

And yes, there is an emotional connection...I'm certain He does not wish to damage me, but to bring both of us to higher levels of pleasure.

That being said, I'm struggling with at least two triggers -- the stuffy nose (would taking allergy meds beforehand help, I wonder?) and the feelings of inadequacy. I'm used to being *incredibly good* at most everything I put my mind to, and it's really eating at me that I cannot perform this one simple act of service as well as I would like because, as DVS reasserts, my effing mind is getting in my way.

Which brings up another, related question...what room is there for perfectionists in submissive/service roles? (That would make a great poll, if one hasn't already been done...combining other sorts of "labels"--A/B personalities, perfectionists, those on prescription/sub-legal meds for performance and anxiety....)

And, no -- I don't think I'm perfect or that I'm the *best* lover (critic, chef, auntie, daughter, housekeeper, teacher, et cetera). I just don't want anyone else to realize that! <winks and wriggles>

More thanks...and please, continue to share. I know mine's not the only thread to find comfort for and information regarding these concerns...but it seems to be one of the "freshest."

regards and whisker-twitches,
SKitt

 

[PerfectlyPeachy]

I don't know much about the panic attack, but as for a signal or a non verbal safe word, I've seen it mentioned where the sub has a set of keys in their hand or something that would make noise if dropped. And if something occurs to where the sub would use their safe word, they would drop what it is that is in their hand and that would be the same signal as the safe word would be.

 

[Netzach]

well the best slave on the east coast in my extremely biased personal opnion is a jittery and anal retentive type A on a whole mess of antidepressants. I think there's as much room for varied personalities as you want there to be. I consider myself a very passionate but decidedly Type B dominant, I only want to control the things that I actually find compelling.

 

[SkulkinKittikin]

amus-ed, I am

Netzach, oh your description rings too clear!

Jittery...anal retentive (depending on whether you're going with a pop culture, sexual innuendo, or truly psychoanalytic rendition, that descriptor might not be accurate)...Paxil...closest friends say I could be the poster child for methamphetamines (i.e., I remind them of the gal in the "ads" for meth about 10 years ago..."I don't eat, I don't sleep...but I've got the cleanest house on the street! Oooh, meth! Oooooooh, meth!" *Side note: I never really understood how this was an anti-meth campaign...all of it sounded so reasonable and rational to me, plus the chick had a decent body!*)

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that most sub/slave/bottom types are a bit...hmm...jittery is such a good word, why change it? Oh, hell...let's say "anxious."

<standing back to watch the fireworks, though I'm guessing it's gonna be more of a 'whimper' than a 'bang'>

SKitt

 

[zukethecuke]

One other factor

My Dear Skit,

I'm far from expert in either side of the Master/Slave psyche, and certainly not a perfectionist or a Type A.

A Type C+ personality, yeah, that's me.

Having said that, one very mechanical factor in your breathing problems and panic over them may have been having your hands fastened behind your back. Just sit at the computer and put your wrists together behind your back -- it pulls on your pectoral muscles and restricts how deeply you can inhale. Try instead fastening the cuffs together in front, or get a leather girdle or harness with rings at the front (or sides) that the cuffs can be fastened to, thus binding you hands without adding one more stress to your lungs.

--Zuke, who likes to breathe.

 

[SkulkinKittikin]

<sound of surprise>

Well, I'll be gawd-damned, Z. You know, you're right?

Incidemmzzaantally, havqqrr,,zing my wrippwnnnvsts pinneeeeqqqq[[ed behzxcvbind mmmmme alzzzzzso m,,,akes it difficccccyycult to twwyooope.

Ahem.

Seriously, my Dahling (heavy-) Breather...thanks for the input. I'll see if the suggestion suits Himself. <winks> If not, maybe He'll inflict a deviously delicious punishment.

SKitt, newly charmed by the effects of oxygen