policywank
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2007
- Posts
- 3,306
Obviously he is in the wrong for cheating. But I don't know how anyone can make suggestions without knowing the intimate circumstances.
One question popped to mind as I read the original postings. What does "I am always there for him" mean? I think that a lot of women formulate what they think a man wants or should want in their own mind. Or they take their opinions from pop culture or their mom or their friends......anybody but the man himself.
The only way to be there for him sexually is to listen to what he wants. Seek to understand with a completely open mind, place NOTHING out of bounds and try very hard not to judge what you hear. Disregard everything that every other person has ever told you about what a man wants - ESPECIALLY what your mom, gfs and the pope have to say on the matter. If you catch yourself even thinking about saying "that is just the way I was raised", you aren't saying "I am there for you." You are saying "I want to believe I am there for you, but it comes with conditions and constraints."
Whether you chose to accommodate his desires is another matter. You may find that he is a selfish douche bag who doesn't deserve you. Or you may find that the things that he really wants are the ones you have put off limits and you need to rethink why you have done that and whether that situation is sustainable.
I don't mean to make this sound like it is in any way your fault - it isn't. However, a lot of women have a tendency to de-legitimize the aspects of men that they don't like or find unappealing. That is just self delusion. It doesn't change him one iota but it does make him feel shame - and the first woman who comes along who doesn't make him feel that way can look pretty damned appealing.
I'll give you an extreme. I know a lady who found out her husband had a brief affair when their kids were getting to early adult age. We went through all of the usual recriminations after which I asked her what their sex life was like. It had been close to non-existent since the kids were born. The early post child birth years were tough then after that she didn't like her body and then and then and then - it was almost 20 years later and their marriage was sexless. Each individual excuse was valid on its own......but no sex for almost 20 years? I asked her if he would have wanted to marry her if he knew there would be no sex for decades. The answer was no. His betrayal needed to at least be seen in the context that she hadn't kept her commitment to him.
If what he wants is to start his day with a BJ, you can exhaust yourself doing everything else under the sun but you have no beef when he still isn't happy. He told you what he wanted - give him the BJ or don't but don't bullshit yourself by ignoring the request and substituting something else without regard to his desires.
One question popped to mind as I read the original postings. What does "I am always there for him" mean? I think that a lot of women formulate what they think a man wants or should want in their own mind. Or they take their opinions from pop culture or their mom or their friends......anybody but the man himself.
The only way to be there for him sexually is to listen to what he wants. Seek to understand with a completely open mind, place NOTHING out of bounds and try very hard not to judge what you hear. Disregard everything that every other person has ever told you about what a man wants - ESPECIALLY what your mom, gfs and the pope have to say on the matter. If you catch yourself even thinking about saying "that is just the way I was raised", you aren't saying "I am there for you." You are saying "I want to believe I am there for you, but it comes with conditions and constraints."
Whether you chose to accommodate his desires is another matter. You may find that he is a selfish douche bag who doesn't deserve you. Or you may find that the things that he really wants are the ones you have put off limits and you need to rethink why you have done that and whether that situation is sustainable.
I don't mean to make this sound like it is in any way your fault - it isn't. However, a lot of women have a tendency to de-legitimize the aspects of men that they don't like or find unappealing. That is just self delusion. It doesn't change him one iota but it does make him feel shame - and the first woman who comes along who doesn't make him feel that way can look pretty damned appealing.
I'll give you an extreme. I know a lady who found out her husband had a brief affair when their kids were getting to early adult age. We went through all of the usual recriminations after which I asked her what their sex life was like. It had been close to non-existent since the kids were born. The early post child birth years were tough then after that she didn't like her body and then and then and then - it was almost 20 years later and their marriage was sexless. Each individual excuse was valid on its own......but no sex for almost 20 years? I asked her if he would have wanted to marry her if he knew there would be no sex for decades. The answer was no. His betrayal needed to at least be seen in the context that she hadn't kept her commitment to him.
If what he wants is to start his day with a BJ, you can exhaust yourself doing everything else under the sun but you have no beef when he still isn't happy. He told you what he wanted - give him the BJ or don't but don't bullshit yourself by ignoring the request and substituting something else without regard to his desires.
