Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

*****

How does a blonde kill a fish?

She drowns it ...

*****

Yo momma is so ugly when she went into a bank they turned off the security cameras.

*****

Tammy bought a new book recently entitled "What Twenty Million American Women Want."

Seeing the title, Doug grabbed the book out of her hand and started thumbing through the pages.

Astonished and not just a little bit irritated, Tammy stared up at him and said, "What in the world are you doing?"

Doug replies, "I just want to see if they've got my name spelled right."

 

[DG Hear]

It has been said that paper is dead

http://www.youtube.com/embed/V_gOZDWQj3Q?rel=0

 

[YoursSINSerely]

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

*****

How does a blonde kill a fish?

She drowns it ...

*****

Yo momma is so ugly when she went into a bank they turned off the security cameras.

*****

Tammy bought a new book recently entitled "What Twenty Million American Women Want."

Seeing the title, Doug grabbed the book out of her hand and started thumbing through the pages.

Astonished and not just a little bit irritated, Tammy stared up at him and said, "What in the world are you doing?"

Doug replies, "I just want to see if they've got my name spelled right."

Blonde jokes always make me LOL.

 

[Handley_Page]

Dear Mother-in-law,

Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.

Daughter in law.

 

[DG Hear]

George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

 

[DG Hear]

What not to say to the nice policeman:

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.


There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.

They got married, and now he is going through hell.


What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?

At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.

 

[oggbashan]

TWO NUNS



There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you!


HAVE A BLESSED DAY!

 

[Handley_Page]

Specifically for the USA:

WANT A FREE HOUSE?

As the old saying goes, youth is wasted on the wrong people.

I was in my neighborhood restaurant this morning and was seated behind a group of jubilant individuals celebrating the coming implementation of the health care bill.

I could not finish my breakfast. This is what ensued: They were a diverse group of several races and both sexes.
I heard a young man exclaim, "Isn't Obama like Jesus Christ? I mean, after all, he is healing the sick."

A young woman enthusiastically proclaimed, "Yeah, and he does it for free. I cannot believe anyone would think that a free market wouldn't work for health care."

Another said, "The stupid Republicans want us all to starve to death so they can inherit all of the power. Obama should be made a Saint for what he did for those of us less fortunate."

At this, I had more than enough. I arose from my seat, mustering all the restraint I could find, and approached their table.
"Please excuse me; may I impose upon you for one moment?"

They smiled and welcomed me to the conversation. I stood at the end of their table, smiled as best I could and began an experiment.

"I would like to give one of you my house. It will cost you no money and I will pay all of the expenses and taxes for as long as you live there. Anyone interested?"

They looked at each other in astonishment. "Why would you do something like that?" asked a young man, "There isn't anything for free in this world."
They began to laugh at me, as they did not realize this man had just made my point.

"I am serious, I will give you my house for free, no money whatsoever. Anyone interested?"

In unison, a resounding "Yeah" fills the room.
"Since there are too many of you, I will have to make a choice as to who receives this money-free bargain."

I noticed an elderly couple was paying attention to the spectacle unfolding before their eyes, the old man shaking his head in apparent disgust.

"I tell you what; I will give it to the one of you most willing to obey my rules."

Again, they looked at one another, an expression of bewilderment on their faces.

The perky young woman asked, "What are the rules?"

I smiled and said, "I don't know. I have not yet defined them. However, it is a free home that I offer you."

They giggled amongst themselves, the youngest of which said, "What an old coot. He must be crazy to give away his home. Go take your meds, old man."

I smiled and leaned into the table a bit further. "I am serious, this is a legitimate offer."

They gaped at me for a moment.

"I'll take it you old fool. Where are the keys?" boasted the youngest among them.

"Then I presume you accept ALL of my terms then?" I asked.

The elderly couple seemed amused and entertained as they watched from the privacy of their table. "Oh yeah! Where do I sign up?"

I took a napkin and wrote, "I give this man my home, without the burden of financial obligation, so long as he accepts and abides by the terms that I shall set forth upon consummation of this transaction."

I signed it and handed it to the young man who eagerly scratched out his signature.

"Where are the keys to my new house?" he asked in a mocking tone of voice.

All eyes were upon us as I stepped back from the table, pulling the keys from pocket and dangling them before the excited new homeowner.

"Now that we have entered into this binding contract, witnessed by all of your friends, I have decided upon the conditions you are obligated to adhere to from this point forward. You may only live in the house for one hour a day. You will not use anything inside of the home. You will obey me without question or resistance.
I expect complete loyalty and admiration for this gift I bestow upon you. You will accept my commands and wishes with enthusiasm, no matter the nature.
Your morals and principles shall be as mine. You will vote as I do, think as I do and do it with blind faith. These are my terms. Here are your keys."
I reached the keys forward and the young man looked at me dumbfounded.

"Are you out of your mind? Who would ever agree to those ridiculous terms?" the young man appeared irritated.

"You did when you signed this contract before reading it, understanding it and with the full knowledge that I would provide my conditions only after you committed to the agreement."

The elderly man chuckled as his wife tried to restrain him. I was looking at a now silenced and bewildered group of people.

"You can shove that stupid deal up your a** old man. I want no part of it!" exclaimed the now infuriated young man.

'You have committed to the contract, as witnessed by all of your friends. You cannot get out of the deal unless I agree to it. I do not intend to let you free now that I have you ensnared. I am the power you agreed to. I am the one you blindly and without thought chose to enslave yourself to. In short, I am your Master."

At this, the table of celebrating individuals became a unified group against the unfairness of the deal.

After a few moments of unrepeatable comments and slurs, I revealed my true intent.

"What I did to you is what this administration and congress did to you with the health care legislation. I easily suckered you in and then revealed the real cost of the bargain. Your folly was in the belief that you can have something you did not earn, and for that which you did not earn, you willingly allowed someone else to think for you. Your failure to research, study and inform yourself permitted reason to escape you. You have entered into a trap from which you cannot flee. Your only chance of freedom is if your new Master gives it to you. A freedom that is given can also be taken away. Therefore, it is not freedom at all."

With that, I tore up the napkin and placed it before the astonished young man. "This is the nature of your new health care legislation."

I turned away to leave these few in thought and contemplation -- and was surprised by applause.

The elderly gentleman, who was clearly entertained, shook my hand enthusiastically and said, "Thank you, Sir. These kids don't understand Liberty ."

He refused to allow me to pay my bill as he said, "You earned this one. It is an honor to pick up the tab."

I shook his hand in thanks, leaving the restaurant somewhat humbled and sensing a glimmer of hope for my beloved country.

1. Remember... Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box, the jury box, and the cartridge box.

2. THIS SHOULD GO AROUND THE UNITED STATES SO PEOPLE CAN SEE JUST WHAT IS GOING ON. MAYBE EVEN THE POLITICALLY BLIND ONES WILL LEARN SOMETHING FROM IT.

"Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the American Government take care of him; better take a closer look at the American Indian." Henry Ford

[ PS. I confess that I am a little puzzled by this one. Because we've had a medical system that's free at the point of use for most of my life. ]

 

[Handley_Page]

A Condom is of great use.

Including CONDOMS in survival kits is not a new idea.
People have been packing them in mini survival kits for as long as I can remember – using them primarily as an expandable WATER CONTAINER. Don’t worry, I’ll get into details later. While a little taboo, I’ll ask that you set aside any preconceived notions you might have about condoms. In this post, I’ll argue that as far as multi-functional survival uses are concerned, the condom offers an incredible BANG for your buck. Sorry – I couldn’t resist.

I’ll break down the many uses within each CORE SURVIVAL CATEGORY.

WATER
As I’ve mentioned, including condoms in survival kits is not a new idea. They make amazing compact water containers that can hold as much as 2 liters of water if handled properly. They are, after all, designed to be water tight. The elasticity of latex condoms is SHOCKING.

However, while it excels in elasticity, it lacks in durability. The thin latex walls are very susceptible to sharp objects and puncture. Especially when filled with water, the slightest prick (even from a blade of grass) will split it open almost instantly. Then, you’ve lost your water AND your container. No fear – there is a strategy for carrying water in a condom. The easiest I’ve found it to take off your sock and fill the condom inside of your sock. Not only does the sock provide stability but it also provides protection. It still needs to be coddled like a little baby but it’s not AS delicate. Other options are to wrap it in a t-shirt and even fill it inside a backpack or helmet. It helps to stretch the condom a little bit first – kind of like you do when getting ready to blow up a balloon. Condom balloon animals anyone?

A Condom is easier to fill when water is falling into it versus just sweeping it through the water. In nature, if you can find a little water fall or fast moving water it will make your life a lot easier. Tie the mouth of the condom off around a stick about the diameter of your thumb. This way, you can fairly easily untie it. Just knotting it off with no stick makes it very difficult to open back up again. You may need to use it over and over again so don’t rush it.
willowhavenoutdoor.com

Just because you’ve collected and contained water doesn’t mean it’s OK to drink. Once your condom is full, you must now consider purification options. Boiling is not an option unless you have a metal container. But, maybe you have a metal container and you’re just using the the condom to transport MORE water from point A to point B. If so, great. If not, you can purify the water chemically with Iodine, Bleach (Chlorine) or store bought water purification tablets. Learn how to purify water with bleach in this POST I WROTE HERE. If you are packing condoms in a small survival kit, be sure to include a handful of purification tablets for a complete water purification system. Need some great water purification tablets? I sell some HERE for only $7.98. Stocking stuffer anyone? I can see it now, a box of condoms and some water purification tabs sticking out of a Christmas stocking. There’s something just not right about that picture.


FIRE

The most obvious way to use a condom to aid in survival fire is to protect DRY fire tinder. Just because the weather is great NOW doesn’t mean it’s going to stay that way. Finding dry fire tinder in wet and rainy conditions can be very difficult. Protecting dry fire tinder during inclement weather is very easy – when you have a condom. Simply stuff the condom with your best tinder and tuck it away for a rainy day. No rocket science here.

One condom even protects this entire bracket fungus – which contains a load of excellent natural tinder.

The condom ITSELF also makes excellent fire tinder. With an open flame such as a match or cigarette lighter, a latex condom will ignite almost instantaneously and burn furiously for several minutes – allowing you plenty of time to build your fire. Below is a quick video I shot to demonstrate how well a latex condom burns:

But what if you don’t have an ignition source? Fire requires 3 elements: IGNITION SOURCE (HEAT), FUEL and OXYGEN. If you don’t have matches or a ferro rod, then I guess you can fill the condom with water and use it as a magnifying glass on a sunny day like this guy did:


Anyone ever tried this? It’s fall here in Indiana and the sun isn’t hot enough this time of year to make it work but you can guarantee next summer I’ll try it. But, I’m not going to let NO SUN stop me from getting a fire by using a condom so I resorted to a more primitive method – the thumb loop hand drill. The hand drill is probably the hardest of all primitive fire starting methods. Without practice, it can be very difficult to get the right combination of pressure and spindle speed to generate enough heat to create an ember. However, thumb loops really help facilitate this process. Thumb loops allow the user to apply more pressure on the spindle and also spin their hands in pretty much one place. Below is a video of how I used condom thumb loops to help generate a coal with a hand drill set.

I also used a handful of condoms as a engine for a traditional Bow Drill Fire Set. Notice in the video below that the condom engine replaces the typical BOW in BOW Drill. I call this the CONDOM DRILL FIRE by FRICTION SET:


FOOD

Seriously, how can a condom provide you with survival food? In more ways than you might think actually…
I’m a huge fan of sling shots. I’ve been working on a small game hunting post featuring sling shots for several months and this was the perfect opportunity to test out an idea I had – the Condom Small Game Hunter Sling Shot. Sounds funny, right? Condoms aren’t that much different from the latex bands that come stock with most small game hunting sling shots. Remember, your ability to improvise is your most valuable survival skill!
I started my build with a natural tree fork.

After a little detailing and carving I ended up with a nice little pocket sized Sling Shot Frame.

Next, I used 3 condoms on each fork to provide the force necessary to kill small game. I put the condoms inside each other with a little wad of cattail fuzz at the bottom and used duct tape to hold each condom band on the frame. The wad of cattail fuzz prevents the condoms from pulling out of the duct tape.

I decided rather than launch imperfect rocks with a leather pouch, I would use a loop of bank line as a anchor point to nock a hand-carved mini dart. I wrapped the other end of the condoms around the loop of bank line and again duct taped it in place.

Below is a maple branch I used to carve some of the mini dart projectiles.

As you can see, some of the darts are tipped with a Honey Locust thorn using Pine Pitch. It’s not necessary, but I’m really digging how deadly these darts look, aren’t you? To see how I make an all natural Pine Pitch Glue, read THIS POST.

Those are some sick looking little arrows aren’t they? I know what you’re thinking. Cool looking sling-shot, but there’s no way you can actually kill small game with it in a survival scenario. Oh, ye of little faith.


FIRST AID

Worse case scenario, a condom can be used as a crude rubber glove while dealing with any first aid related issues. It will protect the wound from your nasty hands as well as protect you from the wound if you’re dealing with someone else.


MISCELLANEOUS

Protect Your Muzzle

I’ve heard 1st hand accounts from soldiers who’ve attended courses at Willow Haven that they used condoms to protect their rifles while serving in the Middle East. They would cover the muzzle of their rifle to prevent sand/mud/water from getting inside – very simple and effective.

Fishing Bobber

While there are many natural options for a fishing bobber, a make-shift condom bobber is pretty darn effective. I’ve found that rather than just tying off an air bubble in the condom, it works a little better if you stuff in some cattail fluff (called ‘cattail down’) instead. Cattail down is naturally buoyant and also water-resistant so it’s the perfect bobber filling. Did you know that life-jackets used to be filled with cattail down before synthetic materials were invented? You may need to know that if you ever want to construct a survival life-jacket! The cattail down adds a little weight to prevent your bobber from just blowing around in the wind.


Companionship

Anyone ever seen CAST AWAY with Tom Hanks? Remember his little buddy WILSON? I’ve got a survival companion too. I just call him Lil’ Cody. He debuted in the sling shot video above when I put a mini-arrow through his face. He’ll keep you company when you are alone, starving and freezing in the woods while trying to make a Condom Sling Shot.

 

[oggbashan]

Condoms on D-Day

When the Allied troops went ashore on D-Day the weather conditions were foul. The sea was rough, it rained often and the beaches were fine sand.

Condoms were issued to the troops to protect their rifles. A condom over the muzzle stopped sea water and sand entering the bore. A condom over the bolt action provided some protection to the mechanism and a non-slip grip on the bolt. The rifle could be fired safely with both condoms in place.

Of course some troops actually got to use the condoms for the designed purpose. They were the lucky ones. The others got STDs.

 

[Handley_Page]

Chat with Tyson the Staffie (Staffordshire Bull Terrier) . . .

Me: boy, I wish I knew why we have to stop at every tree to wee on our walks...

Ty: It's not always every tree, sometimes it’s a lamp post as well...

Me: You missing the point. It makes me crazy!

Ty: That’s because you don’t have a clue what it is all about.

Me: Ok, so tell me then.

Ty: You have GPS don’t you?

Me: So?

Ty: We canines have GPP. Navigation is a breeze with Global Pee Places.
It's my duty to ensure we don’t get lost when out walking I check the markers daily and refresh them. Besides Toby from next door is a lousy marker and I need to redo his.

Me: I will give you that one but why do you seem to spend ages in one spot simply smelling?

Ty: Oh that is the WWW.

Me: WWW?

Ty: yes, World Wide Wees. We access with wee-fi in our noses. We also have 3P which drives our built-in I-Peeds. It is like you on Facebook. I update my status, check out my mates news and check if there are any PM’s for me.

Me: Don’t be silly!

Ty: Dumb hoomin!

 

[Handley_Page]

Woman buys a new SIM Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her
husband who is seated on the couch in the Living room.

She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number "Hello
Darling."

The husband responds in a low tone "Let me call you back later Honey, the
stupid woman is in the kitchen."

 

[CarlusMagnus]

Chat with Tyson the Staffie (Staffordshire Bull Terrier) . . .

Me: boy, I wish I knew why we have to stop at every tree to wee on our walks...

Ty: It's not always every tree, sometimes it’s a lamp post as well...

Me: You missing the point. It makes me crazy!

Ty: That’s because you don’t have a clue what it is all about.

Me: Ok, so tell me then.

Ty: You have GPS don’t you?

Me: So?

Ty: We canines have GPP. Navigation is a breeze with Global Pee Places.
It's my duty to ensure we don’t get lost when out walking I check the markers daily and refresh them. Besides Toby from next door is a lousy marker and I need to redo his.

Me: I will give you that one but why do you seem to spend ages in one spot simply smelling?

Ty: Oh that is the WWW.

Me: WWW?

Ty: yes, World Wide Wees. We access with wee-fi in our noses. We also have 3P which drives our built-in I-Peeds. It is like you on Facebook. I update my status, check out my mates news and check if there are any PM’s for me.

Me: Don’t be silly!

Ty: Dumb hoomin!

Ty forgot to mention that he had to check his wee-mail.

 

[DG Hear]

Why are men like laxatives?

They can irritate the shit out of you.

*****

Italian: "When I finish making love to my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees and she floats 6 inches above the bed in extasy!"

Frenchman: "Zat is nothing, when I finish wit ze girl ah kiss her all ze way down her body and zen lick ze soles of her feet and she floats 10 inches above ze bed in extasy."

Englishman: "When I'm finished shaggin me bird I wipe me knob on the curtains and she hits the fucking roof!"

*****

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

 

[DG Hear]

What is the most common pregnancy craving?

For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

****

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can.

He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!".

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

****

Two married Fellas, Jim and Alec were having a beer after work. Jim says: "Have you ever said something when you meant to say something else?"

"How do you mean?" said Alec.

"Well, see the other day, instead of two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Titsberg"

"Yeah, I know what you mean," said Alec. "Last week I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say 'Pass me the Sugar.' But what came out was "You bitch, you've ruined my life!!!"

 

[TE999]

A construction crew begins building a house next to a house where six year old Susie lives.

She's fascinated by all the activity and watches the men for hours. They begin talking and soon she becomes their mascot.

They give her errands to run, share their lunches with her and treat her like one of the crew. Her mother thinks it's cute.

When payday comes they give her an envelope with a $20.00 bill in it and tell her that's her wages. She proudly shows it to her mother who suggests she put it in the bank instead of spending it. The little girl agrees.

The next day, she and her mother go to the bank to deposit the money. The staff, thinking it's so cute, makes a fuss over her.

The bank president asks "Well, Susie, do you think you'll be finishing the house soon?"

"That depends on whether those assholes at the Home Depot deliver the fucking wallboard tomorrow."

 

[MSTarot]

"That depends on whether those assholes at the Home Depot deliver the fucking wallboard tomorrow."

"Of course they will deliver it tomorrow...but it will be fucking raining! We'll spend two hours hand unloading that shit cause the Mother fucker from Home Depot wont wait for the crane guy to get his ass back from the parts store, then just as we get all that fucking shit unloaded it will stop raining and then get hot as hell."

Sorry, but I heard that exact quote yesterday, Lol. And yea it rained today.

 

[Handley_Page]

I am a sick and an old man. I was sick and in the hospital.

There was one nurse that just drove me crazy.

Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, 'And how are we doing this
morning?', Or 'Are we ready for a bath?', or 'Are we hungry ?'

I could have got very, very peeved at this silly woman. It's not a plural; I am singular! So you'll appreciate I had had enough of this particular nurse.

One day, at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my
bed side stand.

Later, I was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went !

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it:
'My, it seems we are a little cloudy today. '

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.'

The nurse fainted. I just smiled.

DON'T MESS WITH 'OLD' PEOPLE!
We may be old but we still have our marbles.

 

[DG Hear]

A guy walks into a bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest in here?"

The toughest guy looks at him and says "I am the strongest around here!"

The other guy politely asks "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"

****

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

 

[DG Hear]

Every 30 days it is necessary to clean the screen from the inside.

Many people ignore this fact and do not know how to do it.

Manufacturers take advantage of this ignorance to increase their sales of new screens.

To clean the screen from the inside, just click the link and move the mouse.

No need to thank me, I ’ m just happy to help.

Click here:

http://sboisse.free.fr/fun/ecran.swf

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

Thank you DG, now the inside of my screen is clean and also the outside of my glasses. My only problem now is my skivvies need washing. (LOL)

Mike

 

[DG Hear]

Yep it would be hard to do. LOLOL


We grow up with such great hopes and dreams.

We face life's challenges everyday and we try to look everyone right in the eye.

To instill our sincerity in those we

meet and converse with eye contact.

And in return we expect the same courtesy.

These are the reasons why this is such a sad story !


Because this poor thing...


SHE WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE EYE CONTACT

NEVER EVER !!!

.......SO SAD !!!

 

[Handley_Page]

Well, not dressed like that, anyway.

Nurse: Pills, please.

 

[NaokoSmith]

I have missed you guys.

 

[DG Hear]

I have missed you guys.

We miss you too. Come back and visit more often.
DG