Humor Thread

[johneb87]

Aww, who wants to pet it? It's so cute.

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/387292_452785238141381_1475202268_n.jpg

 

[DG Hear]

A lady was in the stirrups at her gynecologist's office having her annual checkup, when she heard the doctor talking to himself as he examined her: "My, what a big vagina! ... My, what a big vagina!"

The lady was, to put it mildly, a bit annoyed. Being the assertive type she spoke up immediately: "Doctor, I can't believe what I'm hearing! I think it's incredibly unprofessional of you to say something like that. To say such a thing once was bad enough, but twice is outrageous!"

"I'm very sorry," replied the doctor, "please forgive me. But just to set the record straight, I only said it ONCE Once once ..."

 

[Handley_Page]

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?' asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good ... and she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

 

[Handley_Page]

I met my wife at a singles bar.

Strange, I thought she was at home looking after the kids.

 

[DG Hear]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

 

[DG Hear]

Why do men fart louder than women?

Because they have a microphone and two speakers.

 

[NaokoSmith]

 

[Handley_Page]

Two ladies at their computers:

"I just cannot believe my boyfriend just asked why we never have sex any more."

There was a pause and she went on:

" I don't know what he means by 'we' ."

 

[Handley_Page]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked ...

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

[reachedme]

I was scrolling back a ways when I read some musician jokes

what can can a pizza do that a banjo player can't

feed a family of four

 

[DG Hear]

ABC of love After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ..... A , B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said," Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down, most bones are healing, and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

I was scrolling back a ways when I read some musician jokes

what can can a pizza do that a banjo player can't

feed a family of four

I'm too lazy to scroll back to look for the musician jokes, so at the risk of repeating them...

What do you call a banjo player with health insurance?

Married.


What do you call six banjos in a dumpster?

A damn good start.


What do banjo players and drummers have in common?

The both think they're real musicians.


Did you hear that new top 40 banjo song on the radio?

Silly, there's never been a top 40 banjo song.


How can you tell if a banjo is out of tune?

No, really, how can you tell?


If Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and a multi-platinum selling banjo artist are all sitting in the back seat of your car. How many people are sitting in the back seat of your car?

Two, every knows there's no such thing as a multi-platinum selling banjo artist.


(For the record, I happen to enjoy banjo music, but it sure fits the humor!)

 

[DG Hear]

I'm too lazy to scroll back to look for the musician jokes, so at the risk of repeating them...
QUOTE]

Thanks Bucky, We never worry about duplicate humor on this thread, not even triple. So feel free to post.
DG

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

I am sorry to hijack this great thread but.

Did you hear that new top 40 banjo song on the radio?

Silly, there's never been a top 40 banjo song.

The song Washington Square hit #2 on the Bill Board Hot Top 100

I remember it and still love it. Here is a link.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fh1mqVxOQyM

Sorry for the hijack.

We will now resume out regulatory scheduled laughing your ass off program.

Mike

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

Earlier today I was fiddling around on my PC, my wife was laying across the bed behind me playing Civ on her lap top. Suddenly I heard he giggling. "What up ?" I asked. She took a breath and said. "I made a trade deal with the French, he gave me clams and I gave him the crabs."

While she is not a prude by any means it was so unlike her I nearly fell out of my chair laughing.

 

[Handley_Page]

Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources.
Some of these guys must have had a sense of humor

"Aim towards the enemy."
--Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.
That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual

"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
--Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
--Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
--Anon

"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Infantry Journal

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop

 

[BuckyDuckman]

I am sorry to hijack this great thread but.

Did you hear that new top 40 banjo song on the radio?

Silly, there's never been a top 40 banjo song.

The song Washington Square hit #2 on the Bill Board Hot Top 100

I remember it and still love it. Here is a link.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fh1mqVxOQyM

Sorry for the hijack.

We will now resume out regulatory scheduled laughing your ass off program.

Mike

NP. I happen to like the banjo. However, that was 50 years ago. 40 years ago, "Dueling Banjos" made it into the Top 40, too. Meanwhile, more banjo humor (or accordion or harpsichord or whatever instrument you loathe):


Do you know how to fix a broken a banjo?

GOOD!


Know what the best part is about a broken banjo?

It's broken!

Oh, and as recently as January 31, 2010, Steve Martin won the Grammy Award for Best Bluegrass Album at the 52nd with a banjo album. To date, it has yet to go platinum.

 

[Boxlicker101]

As I recall, the mega-hit "Hello Dolly," recorded by Louis Armstong, had a lot of banjo in it.

 

[johneb87]

For the musicians and dog lovers out there.
https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/525369_322153394579538_725701821_n.jpg

 

[johneb87]

For Firefly fans.
"Mercy is the mark of a great man...stab!...Guess I'm just a good man.....stab!.....Well I'm alright!"

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/311614_543635809008439_1270250827_n.jpg

 

[Handley_Page]

For Firefly fans.
"Mercy is the mark of a great man...stab!...Guess I'm just a good man.....stab!.....Well I'm alright!"

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/311614_543635809008439_1270250827_n.jpg

What is it about the writers of these (often amusing) cards that they don't seem to understand English (Capital letters, punctuation and all that) ?

PS. What's Firefly ?

 

[BuckyDuckman]

What is it about the writers of these (often amusing) cards that they don't seem to understand English (Capital letters, punctuation and all that) ?

PS. What's Firefly ?

An American TV show -

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Firefly_(TV_series)

After it was cancelled, it inspired the movie Serenity
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenity_(film)

 

[DG Hear]

An American TV show -

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Firefly_(TV_series)

After it was cancelled, it inspired the movie Serenity
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenity_(film)

I have both the series (only one year) of Firefly and I also have the movie the Serenity. It helps with closure of the series.
DG

 

[JackLuis]

The old saying: Women are crazy and men are stupid.

Mostly women are crazy BECAUSE men are stupid.

 

[Handley_Page]

Bloke in the Hairdressers:
"Short, back & sides please."

Hairdresser: "Certainly Sir. Is that the new iPhone you have there? Do you like it?"

Bloke: "It's OK, but it came with an App called "siri". I asked it what do women want and she's been on talking for the last four days!"