Humor Thread

[JackLuis]

Write it down!

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.


'Where's my toast ?'

 

[JackLuis]

First things first.

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'


'Because she can still drive!'

 

[JackLuis]

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'


'Twelve thirty..'

 

[JackLuis]

Selective hearing.

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''


The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

 

[JackLuis]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis..'

 

[JackLuis]

Why seniors drink.

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'


Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

 

[DG Hear]

Good Stuff Jack, thanks for posting.
DG

Factory Workers

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

 

[OzDave]

One cow walks up to another cow and says "How about this mad cow disease?"

The second cow replies "What are you talking to me for? I'm a helicopter."

 

[Quinn71]

Pastor asked an old lady if she believed in the here-after.
"O yes padre, I sure do...sometimes I walk into a room and I can't remember what I am here after!"

 

[DG Hear]

One cow walks up to another cow and says "How about this mad cow disease?"

The second cow replies "What are you talking to me for? I'm a helicopter."

Pastor asked an old lady if she believed in the here-after.
"O yes padre, I sure do...sometimes I walk into a room and I can't remember what I am here after!"

Thank you both for posting on the humor thread. Always good to see new posters. Please come back and post often.
DG

 

[Handley_Page]

And now the good news for senior citizens:

'Viagra'​

is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance
but it does stop your biscuit going soft.​

​

​

 

[Handley_Page]

When Jan, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Sadie, was devastated.

A couple of months later, Sadie also died. Once in heaven, Sadie anxiously looked for Jan. Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him.

She ran towards him, calling his name: "Jan! Darling... "

Jan said: "Hold your horses, woman, and don't 'darling' me! The deal was very clear!! "Until death do us part!"

 

[DG Hear]

THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! Sure glad it was sent to me to spred around.

We Must Stop This Immediately

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper . Groceries are heavier . And, everything is fartheraway. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?


I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that shedidn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why? else would they suddenly start labelling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

 

[DG Hear]

So Much Fun

A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," said the distraught husband.

"What's not to believe?" the detective said. "It's right up there on the screen!"

"I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!" the husband replied.

 

[Isid]

So Much Fun

A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," said the distraught husband.

"What's not to believe?" the detective said. "It's right up there on the screen!"

"I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!" the husband replied.

....

 

[DG Hear]

Social Security

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

 

[DG Hear]

Soybeans

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:

"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you."

"When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion," she explained.

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.

"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from?"

"Oh that, " his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!"

 

[DG Hear]

Lawyer Waiting In Line
---------------------------------------------------------

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "Im a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

 

[DG Hear]

Had these before, but they are too good not to reassend again.

Random Thoughts for the Day

> 1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
> computer history if you die.
>
> 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
> you're wrong.
>
> 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
> younger.
>
> 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
>
> 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
>
> 6. Was learning curve really necessary?
>
> 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure
> I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
>
> 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
> person died.
>
> 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
>
> 10. Bad decisions make good stories.
>
> 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
> when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the
> rest of the day.
>
> 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't
> want to have to restart my collection...again.
>
> 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
> if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I know I
> did not make any changes to.
>
> 14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this --
> ever.
>
> 15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn
> it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
> voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run
> away?
>
> 16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
>
> 17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
> answer when they call.
>
> 18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
> happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
>
> 19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
>
> 20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lights than Kay.

 

[DG Hear]

All Out of Anaesthetic

A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.

He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

It all happened in an instant.

The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"

 

[DG Hear]

An oldie but one of my favorites.
DG

Need Samples

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

 

[oggbashan]

Map Humour

What is smarter, longitude or latitude?
Longitude, because it has 360 degrees

Why do paper maps never win at poker?
Because they always fold....

Why didn't true north date magnetic north?
She didn't like his bearing.

And the winner was:
What do you call a map guide in Alcatraz?
A con tour map.

Og

 

[Zeb_Carter]

The Wisdom of Older Men

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

'Excuse me, I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir.

Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, she appears out of nowhere.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

The Tunnel

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush , a little old lady, and a young blonde girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

 

[DG Hear]

Pfizer Corp.. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.