Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Not sure if I posted this before but here it is anyway.
DG

Sick Husband
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

 

[DG Hear]

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Why Men Can't Win
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If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Funny, or just stupid--Oppie please

Maybe the wrong place for this, but 'tis the AH.

From a story I'm writing. Opinions, funny or stupid? By the way, the protagonist's name is Riley.

Not that he was a bad sort of guy, I held most of the blame for the disillusionment in our marriage. He knew it was an act for me, and I faked it best I could, but he knew. After ten years of upholding my marital vows with a man I didn't love, well, I was just tired of it, and so was he. He still fucked me all right, fucked me a lot, so I drank a lot, too much if truth were known. He owned a proper sized dick, and named it, "Moby." I didn't know why men needed to name their dicks. Women didn't name their pussies, well at least none of the women that I knew did. Laughing at his silliness and mine also, I thought about two dicks talking to each other.

"Hey, Moby, caught anything lately?"

"Well lemme tell ya' Mister Cumsalot, up round Riley's cove thar be some big wet slimy lectric eels worth some eatin'. Might wanna drop yer pole in thar."

Okay, enough of that, now where was I? Uhm yah, his proper sized dick. . . .

 

[ole_grouch_1124]

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and
hunting trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells
him he isn't going.

Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank
sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper
cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into
letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in
my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes
and said 'guess who'?"

"I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through
nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two
dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can
do what ever you want."

" So here I am."

 

[DG Hear]

Old couple and dirty words

An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old man looked at his wife and said "fuck you!"

A few minutes passed when the woman turned and said the same thing to her husband.

After about half an hour of this the old man said "I'll never understand why kids today like this oral sex so much!"

 

[DG Hear]

Mobster's last present

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed and told him: "Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me".
The grandson replies: "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead".
The don, angry, answers: "You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'TIMES UP'"?

 

[DG Hear]

Might have posted this before but it made me smile when I read it.
DG

REASONS WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

1. A guitar has a volume knob
2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one
3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to
4. You can unplug a guitar
5. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more
6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset
7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested
8. You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care
9. You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg.
10. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can return it
11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar
12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set
13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking
14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required
15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free
16. It's good to have a guitar that's stretched out.
17. You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed.
18. You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.
19. You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective covering.
20. You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
21. A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you sell it.

REASONS WHY WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN GUITARS

1. Women are more fun when the power goes out
2. You can't get your guitar wet
3. Ever try to screw a guitar?
4. The input to a guitar is only 1/4"
5. A guitar won't beg to be played
6. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it
7. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue
8. Guitars aren't very aggressive
9. A guitar won't play you back
10. You need two hands to make a guitar scream
11. A guitar won't scratch *your* back
12. A guitar won't drive you home if you're too drunk
13. A guitar doesn't care who plays it
14. You can't play two guitars at once
15. You can't fall in love with a guitar (well, maybe you can, but they can't love you back)
16. It's a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than guitar strings.
17. Guitar lessons aren't free and aren't as much fun.
18. If you really *do* want little guitars, you have to buy them.
19. You can't marry a rich guitar.
20. Even a good guitar won't usually last a whole lifetime.
21. Guitars don't taste very good.
22. A guitar won't give you head.

 

[DG Hear]

Rules for Women
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1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
4. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
5. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put the mall there.
6. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
7. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
8. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
9. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.
10. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
11. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
12. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
13. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
14. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
15. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
16. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
17. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
18. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
19. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "Oh all right, I'll stay the night."

 

[DG Hear]

"I was in a very generous mood today," a woman says to her friend."I gave a poor beggar $25.""Thats a lot of money to give away," says her friend. "What did your husband say?""He said, Thank you. "


"Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?"she said looking lovingly into her husbands eyes."I dont know, but I promise Ill never do it again."

 

[Handley_Page]

In The Notes: Totally off the record...
A selection of choice writings taken from medical (and nursing!) notes!


-By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.

-Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

-On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

-She has had no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

-The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

-I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.

-Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

-I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

-The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

-Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

-The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Ward to dispose of him.

-Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

-The patient refused an autopsy.

-The patient has no past history of suicides.

-The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

-Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

-Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

-The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

-She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

-The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

-The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

-The patient is disabled with a wife from Portsmouth

-Uterus remains in place resting comfortably (after prolapse repair)

-Diagnosis: Claustrophobia

-Comes to ED complaining of vaginal breathing.

-Patient arrived by avalanche

-Odor of alcohol on breast

-Patient stable all morning, in a systole

-Road Traffic Accident, back seat driver

-The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

-The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the paediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

-Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

-The skin was moist and dry.

-Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

-The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

-She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

-Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

-The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

-I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

-The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.

-Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.

-Patient was alert and unresponsive.

-When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

-The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

-Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

-Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

-She is numb from her toes down.

-Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

-While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

-The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

-The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

-Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

These are great, HP; I have to pass them on to my daughter, the ER nurse...Thanks.

 

[DG Hear]

These are great, HP; I have to pass them on to my daughter, the ER nurse...Thanks.

I agree HP Great stuff. I had trouble trying to figure out what they meant to say or were talking about in some cases.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Needs

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

 

[DG Hear]

Marriage Quotes By Men

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'


Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

 

[Isid]

 

[DG Hear]

Isid, thanks for help keeping the Humor page on page one. Much appreciated.
DG

New Women's Study

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married..

10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married..

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

 

[DG Hear]

New Relationship Book

"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our

relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'"
-author Unknown

 

[DG Hear]

NY Times Ad

Ad seen in the New York Times...

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.

$1,000.00 or best offer.

No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f#*#ing everything.

 

[DG Hear]

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

 

[DG Hear]

A GOLF STORY

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling,the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'

The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

 

[DG Hear]

Just received this one
DG

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most
perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the
second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent, when
her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a
terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was
leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques...

She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the
hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a
cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last
shop.

She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished
your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you
were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband
has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went
ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping
trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require
round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. Show me what you bought"

 

[JackLuis]

Hearing aid?

DG, Loved the Golf.

An elderly gentleman....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'


The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.


I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

 

[JackLuis]

Feeling Younger?

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby..'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'


'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

[JackLuis]

By any other name...

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'


'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

 

[JackLuis]

Seacat, sound familiar?

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.


'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'