Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

The Garden

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get
her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll, she came
upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full
of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you
do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my
tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from
blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the
same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice
a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for
the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the
woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn
red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

 

[DG Hear]

Interracial Sex

Two black guys are at a bar talking, one says to the other,
" you ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn,
your nose burns, and you get all teary-eyed?"

The second black guy says, "yeah, all the time."

The other says, "why is that?"

The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray."

 

[DG Hear]

Just received this from a friend.

Nine Children

An alabama couple, both certified rednecks, had nine children. They went to a doctor to see about getting 'fixed'. The doctor started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision to do this. Why after nine children?

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

 

[DG Hear]

condom slogans

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!

 

[curl4ever]

Nine Children ...

Very cute! Thanks, DG!

 

[DG Hear]

The Lonely Brain Cell

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which,
by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously because it was all empty
and quiet.

'Hello? she cried, but no answer.

'Is there anyone here?' she cried a little louder,
but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared.
So she yelled at the top of her voice,

'HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?'

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away....

'We're down here ..'

 

[curl4ever]

The Lonely Brain Cell ...

Nice setup! Very funny! Thanks, DG!

 

[DG Hear]

Bad Sex Advice

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

 

[DG Hear]

Crotchless panties

One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on.

"Come over here baby." she says smiling.

The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I ain't going any where near it!"

 

[MoeDick]

APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter.

 

[curl4ever]

APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH

...

Nice ones! Thanks, Moe!

 

[Handley_Page]

The New South Wales Government and the NSW Greens Party were presenting an alternative to local farmers for controlling the native dingo population.

It seems that after years of the farmers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers offered a more humane solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, where the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be better controlled.

This was actually proposed to the NSW Farmers and Graziers Association by the combination of State Government and the Greens.

All of the farmers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said,

"Son, I don't think you understand our problem....
Those dingos ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' them!"

 

[Handley_Page]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."

The lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much, he said, and proceeded to walk her home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"


The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 

[curl4ever]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. ...

Outstanding!!! Thanks, Handley!

 

[DG Hear]

Woman Talks, Man Hears

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

 

[curl4ever]

Woman Talks, Man Hears ...

Amen to that! Thanks, DG!

 

[DG Hear]

This was sent to me.
DG

A redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The redneck says "I want my $20 million".

The man replied "No, sir. it doesnt work that way. we give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The redneck said "Oh no! I want all my money right now!"

Again the man explained he would get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The redneck furious with the man screams "Look, I want my money! if you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

 

[MoeDick]

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment

 

[DG Hear]

Three People

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm so glad that you feel this way. My mother moves in with us tomorrow."

 

[MoeDick]

Perks of getting old

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

9. You can live 'without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in big print for your convenience.

ONE MORE THING: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill,
and a laxative on the same night!

 

[MoeDick]

Quotes from the past:

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.-- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.-- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on > the support of Paul.-- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, > which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.-- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.-- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.-- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap..except when Congress does it.-- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.-- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.-- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress.-- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.-- Thomas Jefferson

25. The biggest difference between Republicans and Democrats is the spelling. -- Anonymous

 

[MoeDick]

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.

His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off!' You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge, a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't Believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, just everywhere!

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"

 

[john-the-author]

A great article about the inclusion of filthy words in dictionaries.

 

[DG Hear]

Mustard

I Love Mustard. (This is a true story. If you have children you
will probably relate to this father).

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh
bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, Gourmet Mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table
in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife
suddenly at my side.

Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she
said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching
again for the ham sandwich w hen I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers..

I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it
off. It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster.

It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my
tongue protruding out.

With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine
shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my
wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy mustard
Poupon.''

 

[arielsgoddess]

Very nice highbrow list, Moedick

Here's a lowbrow set:

What's the first thing that a redneck gal notices about her man? His eyes-- cuz that's all she could see of him the firsttime she saw him in her bedroom window.

What's the first thing that a BLONDE redneck gal notices about her man? His hands-- cuz her daddy (whom she was the spittin image of, doncha know?) always told 'em: "Touch--but you can't look--OR ELSE!"