Humor Thread

[Bianca_Sommerland]

Can't believe, as a woman, I'm posting this. Oh well

Man: "God, why you make woman so beautiful?"
God: "So you would love her."
Man: "But God, why you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love you!"

And here's another

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

 

[SweetWitch]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret looked him over, “Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!”

Furious, Bert yelled,

“AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope,” she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert, shoulda bought a hat.”

 

[curl4ever]

Can't believe, as a woman, I'm posting this. Oh well

Man: "God, why you make woman so beautiful?"
God: "So you would love her."
Man: "But God, why you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love you!"

Well, I'm very glad you did post it. I think it's a much harsher (and well-deserved) critique of the man than the woman.
Thanks, Bianca!

 

[DG Hear]

Good to see others using the humor page. Bianca, Sweetwitch Molly, Curl, Handley, Tom and of course all the regulars.
Thanks, I'm sure you brightened someones day.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Was sent to me today

Irish Bagpiper


As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside
service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to
be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside, and this man would be the
first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost. Being a
typical man, I did not stop for directions, and finally arrived an hour
late. I saw the backhoe and the crew was eating their lunch, but the hearse
was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the
open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the
proper thing to do. Still eating their lunch, the workers gathered around
the grave. I played with all my heart and soul.

As I played, the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never
played before. I played everything from "Going Home," "The Lord is My
Shepherd," to "Flowers of the Forest." I closed the lengthy session with
"Amazing Grace" and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the
workers saying to another,"Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin'
like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 

[DG Hear]

Suddenly Stricken

I am not your typical school nurse. I am male, six feet-two inches tall,
and weigh 200 pounds. Frequently, parents, school visitors, and new
teachers mistake me for a campus security officer or an administrator. One
day several years ago, I looked up to see a small girl walking down the hall
toward the health office.

What was unusual was that she had her head tipped
back, eyes closed; and was erratically waving both extended arms in front of
her. She was accompanied by two other girls from her class.

What was the reason for the second grader's visit to the health office? She
had been suddenly stricken blind when the teacher handed out an arithmetic
test.

Her two companions were all atwitter in their concern, right up until
the "blind" girl's eyes popped wide open and she blurted out, "You can't be
the nurse, you're a BOY!"

 

[curl4ever]

Irish Bagpiper ...

Suddenly Stricken ...

Both very very cute! Thanks, DG!

 

[Tarakin]

Sex in the dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy . . you explain the kids.'

 

[Handley_Page]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door
neighbour's dog. The dog has been in the backyard barking for hours and
hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, 'I've had enough of this.'

She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her
husband says, 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'

The blonde says, 'I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like
it.'

 

[DG Hear]

Question!!!

If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong? Because I'm thinking of building a cabin.....

 

[DG Hear]

Argument

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.

The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked.

"One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

"But it comes with an inscription," the pro said.

"What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'."

"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."

 

[DG Hear]

Doctor sex

A man complained to his friend that love-making with his wife had become routine and boring.
"Get creative", his friend said. "Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great!" said the man. but how do you make it last for an hour?" His friend replied,"just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes

 

[Bianca_Sommerland]

Always love these things. Thought I'd share for those who haven't seen them...

24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on

 

[Bianca_Sommerland]

Sorry, had to add this one. Please don't get sick of me!

29 Annoying Ways to Order a Pizza

1. Start the conversation with "My call to (Pizza Place), take one... and... ACTION!"

2. If using a touch-tone phone, press random numbers while ordering. Tell the person taking the order, "would you please stop doing that...?"

3. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

4. Do not name your toppings; rather, spell them out.

5. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

6. Order 52 pepperoni slices arranged in a fractal pattern following from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they're getting all of this down.

7. If they repeat the order to verify it, say "OK. Your total comes to $10.99. Please pull up to the window."

8. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say "Yes," heave a sigh of relief.

9. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni," using a long "i" sound.

10. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)?" When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When finally offered proof that they are really (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

11. Ask to see a menu.

12. Say you'll be able to pay for this "when the Hollywood people call back."

13. Demand imperiously, "Do you have ANY IDEA what is at stake with this pizza?!?"

14. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

15. Punctuate your sentences with exclamations such as "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

16. Start the conversation by reciting the date and time, and saying, "This may be my last entry."

17. Sing the order to the tunes of songs from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" album: "Chop your pizza on a mirror!"; "Master! Master! Put hot sausages on my pizza!"; or "Gimme Pizza! You will do what I say, when I say Gimme Pizza!"

18. Give your order, then state firmly, "And that's as far as this relationship is going to get."

19. Ask for a deal available from a different pizza chain (e.g., if phoning Domino's, ask for a CheeserCheeser)

20. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. Repeat this nested loop until asked to stop, then explain that you got "stuck."

21. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

22. Learn to imitate a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

23. Attempt to teach the order-taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

24. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

25. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

26. Order with a Speak-n-Spell.

27. If order-taker suggests a side order, ask why s/he is punishing you.

28. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, (So-and-so)."

29. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your poutiest voice, "LAST guy let me do it..."

 

[DG Hear]

Funny stuff Bianca, makes me smile, I like to smile.
Thanks for taking the time to brighten my day.
DG

 

[Bianca_Sommerland]

Funny stuff Bianca, makes me smile, I like to smile.
Thanks for taking the time to brighten my day.
DG

NP DG. I was sitting by myself giggling to those and I figured I'd come off as less wacky if I shared

 

[DG Hear]

Holloween Costume

There once was a man with a bald head and a pegleg who was in need of a kickin' Halloween costume. So he wrote to a costume company, who promptly sent him a bandana and a hook so he could be a pirate.
Outraged that they were making fun of his pegleg, he fired off a complaint letter. In order to please him, the costume company sent him a monk's costume saying that it would be perfect for his bald head.

Now outraged that they were making fun of his bald head, the man sent another angry letter. Soon after, another package arrived in the mail -- a package of caramel. Attached was a note:

"Stick the pegleg up your ass, dip your head in caramel, and go as a caramel apple."

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

My favorites are the elevator fart jokes.

Actual occurances -

Rip off the "Silent but Deadly" then glare at the person next to you when the stench begins to wafts through the elevator car.

Rip off the big one then step off the elevator just as the doors close.

There must be more

 

[curl4ever]

Sorry, had to add this one. Please don't get sick of me! ...

We could never get sick of you! Thanks for the funnies, Bianca!

Halloween Costume...

Nice one! Thanks, DG!

 

[DG Hear]

The World's Shortest Books

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
____________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
________________________________
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
__________________________________
ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen deGeneres & Rosie O'Donnell
____________________________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy
___________________________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton with introduction by the Rev. Jesse Jackson

NEW!
Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi

 

[DG Hear]

Prayer for Dad

This is just too beautiful not to share.


http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/pic-1.jpg


Dear God, please send clothes
for all those poor ladies on dad's
computer
Amen."

 

[curl4ever]

Prayer for Dad


Dear God, please send clothes
for all those poor ladies on dad's
computer
Amen."

EXCELLENT!!! Many thanks, DG!

 

[glynndah]

American Medical Association researchers have found that
patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from
receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky
and the women lay better.

 

[DG Hear]

Prayer for Dad

This is just too beautiful not to share.


http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/pic-1.jpg


Dear God, please send clothes
for all those poor ladies on dad's
computer
Amen."

American Medical Association researchers have found that
patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from
receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky
and the women lay better.

Hi Glynndah, one of my favorite witches. So glad to see you on the humor thread. Remember you showed me how to post pictures like the little girl above.
Thanks again
DG

 

[curl4ever]

American Medical Association researchers have found that
patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from
receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky
and the women lay better.

Very very cute! Thanks, glynndah!