Humor Thread

[Darkniciad]

Not a joke, but I found this rather funny.

Sexy Wardrobe FAIL.

Is that the biohazard symbol I see in a rather disturbing place, there?

I suppose it was supposed to say "Dangerous Pussy" but all I see when I look at it is "FYI, it isn't a cold sore"

 

[DG Hear]

Not a joke, but I found this rather funny.

Sexy Wardrobe FAIL.

Is that the biohazard symbol I see in a rather disturbing place, there?

I suppose it was supposed to say "Dangerous Pussy" but all I see when I look at it is "FYI, it isn't a cold sore"

Thanks Dark I found it rather amusing.

 

[DG Hear]

Honestly girls I didn't write this. It was sent to me by another member of the female species.

Its soooo true though

MALE VS FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!)

1.. Drive up to cash machine.

2.. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3.. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4.. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5.. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6.. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7.. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8.. Insert card.

9.. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

 

[Bianca_Sommerland]

MALE VS FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

Love it DG! Sad to say, very true

 

[DG Hear]

MALE VS FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

Love it DG! Sad to say, very true

Thanks Bianca, I read on a thread where you might get horny or want to fight when you have to much to drink. The French, Irish in you. Sounds like fun, I'd like to be there either way.

 

[Bianca_Sommerland]

Thanks Bianca, I read on a thread where you might get horny or want to fight when you have to much to drink. The French, Irish in you. Sounds like fun, I'd like to be there either way.

LOL. Sounds good. Better then when I get tipsy and post here. Sometimes what I say doesn't make much sense

BTW that piece I put up for the contest hasn't gone up. I'm thinking either it was automatically put in cue...or Laurel caught the thread where I admited to being an ass...and put it in cue.

Here's a few things I found that I thought was funny, and appropriate considering all the political talk here. Let me know what you think (I don't watch the real news BTW. Some of these shows are just as accurate and well...actually entertaining)

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
Friday September 25, 2009
"You probably heard this on the news today. There are new security alerts issued to law enforcement agencies all across the country, because Al Qaeda is planning to attack vital economic centers. Well, good luck trying to find one of those. Luckily, Wall Street took care of them about a year ago, so we are safe." --Jay Leno

"President Obama was on six different TV shows pitching his healthcare plan over the last couple of days. You know the difference between Obama and the ShamWow guy? You can see the ShamWow guy on Fox." --Jay Leno

"Some good gossip. There's a new book out about Barack and Michelle Obama's marriage. And in it, they say that Michelle Obama was very upset by all these drooling blonds who would push up to her husband and rub themselves up against him. They said this. One blonde was especially suggestive and kept rubbing up against the President. And finally, Michelle said, 'Look, Chris Matthews, get away from my husband.'" --Jay Leno

"And Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi-duck, this moron, was at the U.N. today. He talked forever. He talked on Israel and the swine flu and the JFK assassination. Where was Kanye West to grab the microphone away?" --Jay Leno

"And then the Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a hate speech and I thought to myself, where's that 'you lie' guy when you need him?" --David Letterman



Who is the best late-night comedian? David Letterman Conan O'Brien Jay Leno Jon Stewart Stephen Colbert Jimmy Fallon Craig Ferguson Jimmy Kimmel Bill Maher Submit
Current Results


"Traffic is insane in New York City this week as it's the United Nations' 'Climate Week' and over 150 world leaders are here. It's good to see all these guys in their separate cars commuting back and forth to the U.N. to discuss ways to improve our climate." -- Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, listen to this. You know the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin? Boy, I know her. She's traveling all over the world now, speaking gigs. And she went to Hong Kong and gave a speech and people who heard the speech said it was articulate, it was well-prepared, it was compelling. It's a year late, but And if it was that good I'm thinking it must have been Tina Fey." --David Letterman

"They paid her $300,000 for the speech, the Chinese, $300,000 for the speech. I guess she apparently could see the cash from her house." --David Letterman

"That's a lot of money. But you can sit down with Sarah Palin, spend a couple hours; really get to know her. You know, it's the thing John McCain should have done a year ago." --David Letterman

"Today's the first day of autumn, although Sarah Palin said today the dying leaves are because of Obama's health-care plan." --Jay Leno

"Democratic Senator Max Baucus has introduced his healthcare plan which makes it mandatory for everyone to get health insurance. They would fine people who didn't get it, and if you don't pay the fine, you could go to jail. The good news is, once you're in jail -- free healthcare!" --Jay Leno

"Thank you all for coming out on such a hot day. What was it, 104? It was so hot today, John Edwards promised his mistress he would marry her on top of an igloo with Ice Cube playing." --Jay Leno

"And how awful is this? This book claims that John Edwards tried to calm his mistress down by promising to marry her, after his wife died, in a rooftop wedding ceremony in New York with the Dave Matthews Band as their wedding band. Really, Dave Matthews at the wedding for these two? Wouldn't Cheap Trick be more appropriate?" --Jay Leno

"There's a report going around that John Edwards is getting ready to admit that he did father a child with that woman he had an affair with during his presidential campaign. According to 'The LA Times,' one of his aides wrote a book proposal in which he claims Edwards convinced him to come forward and say he was the father of the child, which the guy did, even though he was married. Honestly we should make this guy president. If he can convince a man to say he fathered a child he didn't, he could convince anybody to do anything, right? 'Come on, China, keep lending us money. We're good for it.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is all just speculation, you know. We don't know any of this actually happened and we won't be certain that the baby belongs to John Edwards until we see how the child's hair responds to blow drying." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal. Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he's a realist, and given the near unanimous Republican opposition he's facing, now says he'd be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Now, there's a new book coming out about former President Clinton. And it claims that when Boris Yeltsin was visiting, Yeltsin got drunk and was found wandering Pennsylvania Avenue in his underwear looking for pizza. The book also claims that when Clinton wanders around in his underwear, he's not looking for pizza." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of former President Bush, according to a new book that's coming out, former President Bush secretly supports gay marriage. Bush said, 'If Bert and Ernie can make it work, anyone can.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to a front page story in the 'LA Times,' the CIA is deploying teams of spies, analysts, and paramilitary operatives to Afghanistan as part of a broad intelligence search. They said this should catch the Taliban by surprise, unless they happen to see the front page of the 'LA Times.'" --Jay Leno

 

[DG Hear]

Had this before but it's worth another read.
DG

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on
him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".

I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have
any clean clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly
pulled up his pants and sat down.

An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd
ever had!

 

[DG Hear]

Q & A

Q. where was the toothbrush invented?
A. Mississippi- if it had been invented anywhere else it would have been called Teethbrush!

Q. did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery?
A. the winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

a new Law was recently passed in Mississippi. when a couple divorces, they are STILL cousins.

Q. what's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo?
A. at a Yankee zoo it will have the name of the animal and the scientific name in Latin.
At the southern zoo it will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

 

[JackLuis]

Aerodynamics

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.


All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,

Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a piece of tail.'

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

 

[JackLuis]

What would you do?

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While enroute home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money, HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?


The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

 

[DG Hear]

Thanks Jack and Bianca for adding to the humor thread. Some good stuff. Please post often. Some of the jokes I post are sent to me from A/H readers. I want to thank them also.
DG

The Hillbilly Picture

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "how about that! here a picture of my daddy."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on his way home remembers his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of thes many trips to the barn. one day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "so that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with!"

 

[DG Hear]

Just received this one.
DG

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s
on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain,
Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old MSgt.. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her
right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the
captain a woman?' 'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is
female.' 'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I
don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call
It The Cockpit'

'It's The Box Office.'

 

[curl4ever]

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes...

Nice ones! Thanks, Bianca!

Q & A...

The Hillbilly Picture ...

Nasty, but very funny! Thanks, DG!

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. ...

Loved it. Loved it. Loved it. Thanks, JackLuis!

 

[DG Hear]

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to Fuck off!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

 

[Boxlicker101]

The woman came into the shrink's office and said: "Doctor, some of my family think I'm deranged because I like pancakes."

He answered: "I don't see anything wrong with that. Many people like pancakes. I happen to like them myself."

"Oh, then you must come over and see mine. I have my closet full of them!"

 

[Bianca_Sommerland]

Though this one was cute. Link at the end if you wanna see more. It was long...

NICE TRY
Here are some signs and notices written in English -- more or less -- that were discovered throughout the world.

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/jokes.htm

 

[curl4ever]

Here are some signs and notices written in English -- more or less -- that were discovered throughout the world....

Exquisite! Thanks, Bianca!

 

[Bianca_Sommerland]

Exquisite! Thanks, Bianca!

You're very welcome curl.
Here's a cute one.

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."

 

[TE999]

Southerner's can be so polite!

One day at the Atlanta GA airport...

Atlanta ATC: Tower to Saudi Air 511--you are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air 511: Acknowledged Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on the infidel's runway 9R--Allah be praised.

Atlanta ATC: Tower to Libya Air 711--you are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R

Lybia Air 711: Understood Atlanta ATC--cleared to land on the infidel's runway 9R--Allah is great.

*pause*

Saudi Air and Libya Air: Atlanta ATC! Atlanta ATC!

Atlanta ATC: Go ahead Saudi Air and Lybia Air.

Saudi Air and Lybia Air: What is wrong? You have cleared both our aircraft to land on the same runway but from different directions! We are on a collision course! Instructions please!

Atlanta ATC: Oh my goodness. Now isn't that silly of me. Well bless your hearts and praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and say 'Hey' to Allah for us--.

 

[Handley_Page]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town
hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and
said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $100 I'd take
my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $100 note.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,
completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front
door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,
followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked Old
lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'

 

[curl4ever]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour....

Ah, yes. Thanks, Bianca!

One day at the Atlanta GA airport...

Ouch. Thanks, TE!

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town
hall where a flower show was in progress. ...

Very cute. Thanks, Handley!

 

[DG Hear]

Let me see if I understand all this....

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR......
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY....
BUT, IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, WELFARE, FOOD STAMPS, AND FREE HEALTH CARE?

I guess I still don't understand...

 

[DG Hear]

THOSE BORN 1920-1979

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant...

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no child proof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.And we were OK.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ridedown the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chatrooms.......

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents..

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good .

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!


The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding,severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another,and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'

 

[DG Hear]

The Movie Chicken

An old guy approaches the window of the movie theatre with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.

He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"

"I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the theater."

The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the movie.

Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"

Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all."

Agnes says, "I know...but this one's eating my popcorn!"

 

[curl4ever]

THOSE BORN 1920-1979 ...

The Movie Chicken ...

Nice ones! Thanks, DG!