DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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I could tell time so when I was little, I told my parents that I wanted a watch for Christmas , so they let me.
Humor Thread
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I could tell time so when I was little, I told my parents that I wanted a watch for Christmas , so they let me.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Counting cows
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
Crudebug
Literotica Guru
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I could tell time so when I was little, I told my parents that I wanted a watch for Christmas , so they let me.
So what time did the big hand go over the little one???... lmao
Crudebug
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Lightening a day with smiles usually ends up brightening the day...
Always happy to tweak the brightness control..
lmao... if a knob needs to be twiddled... I'll have to redirect you.. lol
Last edited:
Crudebug
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Bill Cosby has a great way of "distilling" things. Looks like he's done it again!
AMERICA NEEDS A CANDIDATE WITH THIS PLATFORM!!
I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN THE YEAR 2012..
HERE IS MY PLATFORM:
(1). Any use of the phrase: 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait outside of our borders until you can.
(2). We will immediately go into a two year isolationist attitude in order to straighten out the greedy big business posture in this country. America will allow NO imports, and we'll do no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart 's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.' We'll make it here and sell it here!
(3).. When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it coming in here.
(4). All retired military personnel will be required to man one of the many observation towers located on the southern border of the United States (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
(5). Social Security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. Neither the President nor any other politician will be able to touch it.
(6). Welfare. -- Checks will be handed out on Fridays, at the end of the 40 hour school week, the successful completion of a urinalysis test for drugs, and passing grades.
(7). Professional Athletes -- Steroids? The FIRST time you check positive you're banned from sports ... for life.
(8). Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, i.e., the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more 'life sentences'. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for the victim you killed: gun, knife, strangulation, etc.
(9).. One export of ours will be allowed: wheat; because the world needs to eat. However, a bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
(10). All foreign aid, using American taxpayer money, will immediately cease and the saved money will help to pay off the national debt and, ultimately, lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask The American People if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision as to whether, or not, it's a worthy cause.
(11). The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.
(12). The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.
My apology is offered if I've stepped on anyone's toes ..... nevertheless......
GOD BLESS AMERICA.
Sincerely, Bill Cosby
AMERICA NEEDS A CANDIDATE WITH THIS PLATFORM!!
I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN THE YEAR 2012..
HERE IS MY PLATFORM:
(1). Any use of the phrase: 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait outside of our borders until you can.
(2). We will immediately go into a two year isolationist attitude in order to straighten out the greedy big business posture in this country. America will allow NO imports, and we'll do no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart 's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.' We'll make it here and sell it here!
(3).. When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it coming in here.
(4). All retired military personnel will be required to man one of the many observation towers located on the southern border of the United States (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
(5). Social Security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. Neither the President nor any other politician will be able to touch it.
(6). Welfare. -- Checks will be handed out on Fridays, at the end of the 40 hour school week, the successful completion of a urinalysis test for drugs, and passing grades.
(7). Professional Athletes -- Steroids? The FIRST time you check positive you're banned from sports ... for life.
(8). Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, i.e., the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more 'life sentences'. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for the victim you killed: gun, knife, strangulation, etc.
(9).. One export of ours will be allowed: wheat; because the world needs to eat. However, a bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
(10). All foreign aid, using American taxpayer money, will immediately cease and the saved money will help to pay off the national debt and, ultimately, lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask The American People if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision as to whether, or not, it's a worthy cause.
(11). The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.
(12). The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.
My apology is offered if I've stepped on anyone's toes ..... nevertheless......
GOD BLESS AMERICA.
Sincerely, Bill Cosby
Crudebug
Literotica Guru
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Bill Clinton is walking down a corridor in the White House when he sees a pretty young girl walking towards him.
"Hello," he says "are you new here."
"Yes," she replies "I started yesterday."
"Ah," answers Bill "I thought I hadn't come across your face before."
"Hello," he says "are you new here."
"Yes," she replies "I started yesterday."
"Ah," answers Bill "I thought I hadn't come across your face before."
Crudebug
Literotica Guru
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There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?"
Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?"
Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Just received this from a friend.
DG
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland, U.K.
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE . . . WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE . . . NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS, GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF.
DG
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland, U.K.
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE . . . WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE . . . NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS, GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF.
phoenixangel
Really Really Experienced
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a man placed an ad in the paper "wife wanted". the next day he recieved 100's of responses saying "you can have my wife!".
glynndah
good little witch.
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Not exactly a joke, but it might make you smile.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikTxfIDYx6Q&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikTxfIDYx6Q&feature=related
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Just seeing you post on this thread makes me smile.
Same goes for phoenixangel.
Cute posts by the way. Laughed at the baby dancing.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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I just hard to fart
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to
fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and
noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to
fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and
noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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DA END BE NEAR!!
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist
Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across
the road.
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that
read:
'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You
religious nuts!'
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should
jussay.....'Bridge Out?'
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist
Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across
the road.
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that
read:
'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You
religious nuts!'
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should
jussay.....'Bridge Out?'
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
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- 6,689
These were sent to me by a woman. I promised to post them.
DG
Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX (because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) - (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TO ILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know... it never happened) (C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your
heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ' And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
DG
Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX (because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) - (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TO ILET SEAT DOWN? (don't know... it never happened) (C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your
heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ' And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
FILING TAXES
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to
file her taxes.
The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.
'He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks,
'What's your occupation?'
'I'm a Lady of the night,' she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, 'Let's try to rephrase
that.'
The woman says, 'OK, I'm a high-end call girl'.
'No, that still won't work. Try again.'
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, 'I'm an elite Chicken
farmer.'
The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a
prostitute?'
'Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.'
'Chicken Farmer it is.'
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to
file her taxes.
The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.
'He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks,
'What's your occupation?'
'I'm a Lady of the night,' she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, 'Let's try to rephrase
that.'
The woman says, 'OK, I'm a high-end call girl'.
'No, that still won't work. Try again.'
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, 'I'm an elite Chicken
farmer.'
The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a
prostitute?'
'Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.'
'Chicken Farmer it is.'
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
The wedding dress
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?''
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
''What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened!
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?''
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
''What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened!
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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- Posts
- 78,287
There are those for whom the word "tools" (as in a mechanical sense) conjures up fear and loathing. For the edification of those poor souls the following is respectfully presented.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive boat parts not far from the object we are trying to "adjust". Available in a variety of sizes, which is typically chosen based on the amount of time you have already wasted attempting to "solve a problem". Available with a head made of steel, plastic, brass or hard rubber. As a side note, only the steel head has a practical use, no logical use for the other materials has ever been discovered. Some models equipped with the fly away head option. AKA "Ford Wrench", "BFH", "Wound Inflicting Hammer"
RAZOR KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing boat covers and bimini tops.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Used for spinning steel pop rivets in their hole until you die of old age. Some larger models are capable of turning the users wrist in amazing directions never before imagined just as the bit starts to break through the material you're drilling.
SLIP JOINTED PLIERS: Primarily used to round the heads off of bolts. The joint slips and only grips items slightly larger then what you were originally trying to grip. Most have an area to cut wire at the base of the jaws. The "cutter" is good for squishing and mutilating wire where you would have liked to cut it.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the garage, splattering it on the Bud Girls poster above the bench grinder.
BENCH GRINDER: This devise is equipped with a wire wheel on one end and a grinding wheel on the other end. The wire wheel is used to clean debris off of old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned calluses in about the time it takes to say "DragBoat". The grinding wheel is used primarily for starting small surprise fires at you feet. Also has the ability to transport the object your working on great distances.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering the boat trailer back to the ground after you've installed those new low profile tires, trapping the jack handle firmly under the chrome fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a trailer upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: a tool used for removing Douglas Fir wood splinters from your hand.
PHONE: Tool for calling your boating partner to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. Also useful for canceling dinner reservations you and the wife had and ordering pizza delivery when the "three hour job" you started in the morning has now moved into the evening hours.
GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for scraping dog doo off your shoes.
E-Z OUT BOLT & STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in broken bolts or studs and is ten times harder then any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument used for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
TWO TON OVERHEAD HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground cables, fuel lines and electrical connectors you may have forgotten to disconnect.
½" X 16" SCREWDRIVER: A larger motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined flat tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a boat battery to your pants and to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE GRIPS: Used to round off the heads of bolts. If nothing else is available, they can be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
RATCHET: Bolt removal tool typically equipped with a breakaway pop-top. This tool can also double as a hammer. Used with sockets that automatically fall off when you get near the bolt you want to remove. Sockets typically fall off and run and hide like critters. Changing directions requires a deft touch and a smart rap on a hard surface, and it might hold.and it might not...not for the high blood pressure types.
TIN SNIPS: From the same family as the hacksaw. Comes in right and left handers, but neither will go where you want it without religious training. Perfect for ruining light- weight steel, copper, aluminum, brass, etc.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanics own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin, which is otherwise not found under engine hatches at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that the 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark then light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of containers and splash the contents onto your shirt. Doubles as a center punch, can also be used as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes the energy produced by a power plant 100 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty trailer bolts last tightened 10 years ago by someone in Missouri, and rounds them off.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive boat parts not far from the object we are trying to "adjust". Available in a variety of sizes, which is typically chosen based on the amount of time you have already wasted attempting to "solve a problem". Available with a head made of steel, plastic, brass or hard rubber. As a side note, only the steel head has a practical use, no logical use for the other materials has ever been discovered. Some models equipped with the fly away head option. AKA "Ford Wrench", "BFH", "Wound Inflicting Hammer"
RAZOR KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing boat covers and bimini tops.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Used for spinning steel pop rivets in their hole until you die of old age. Some larger models are capable of turning the users wrist in amazing directions never before imagined just as the bit starts to break through the material you're drilling.
SLIP JOINTED PLIERS: Primarily used to round the heads off of bolts. The joint slips and only grips items slightly larger then what you were originally trying to grip. Most have an area to cut wire at the base of the jaws. The "cutter" is good for squishing and mutilating wire where you would have liked to cut it.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the garage, splattering it on the Bud Girls poster above the bench grinder.
BENCH GRINDER: This devise is equipped with a wire wheel on one end and a grinding wheel on the other end. The wire wheel is used to clean debris off of old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned calluses in about the time it takes to say "DragBoat". The grinding wheel is used primarily for starting small surprise fires at you feet. Also has the ability to transport the object your working on great distances.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering the boat trailer back to the ground after you've installed those new low profile tires, trapping the jack handle firmly under the chrome fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a trailer upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: a tool used for removing Douglas Fir wood splinters from your hand.
PHONE: Tool for calling your boating partner to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. Also useful for canceling dinner reservations you and the wife had and ordering pizza delivery when the "three hour job" you started in the morning has now moved into the evening hours.
GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for scraping dog doo off your shoes.
E-Z OUT BOLT & STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in broken bolts or studs and is ten times harder then any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument used for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
TWO TON OVERHEAD HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground cables, fuel lines and electrical connectors you may have forgotten to disconnect.
½" X 16" SCREWDRIVER: A larger motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined flat tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a boat battery to your pants and to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE GRIPS: Used to round off the heads of bolts. If nothing else is available, they can be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
RATCHET: Bolt removal tool typically equipped with a breakaway pop-top. This tool can also double as a hammer. Used with sockets that automatically fall off when you get near the bolt you want to remove. Sockets typically fall off and run and hide like critters. Changing directions requires a deft touch and a smart rap on a hard surface, and it might hold.and it might not...not for the high blood pressure types.
TIN SNIPS: From the same family as the hacksaw. Comes in right and left handers, but neither will go where you want it without religious training. Perfect for ruining light- weight steel, copper, aluminum, brass, etc.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanics own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin, which is otherwise not found under engine hatches at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that the 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark then light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of containers and splash the contents onto your shirt. Doubles as a center punch, can also be used as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes the energy produced by a power plant 100 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty trailer bolts last tightened 10 years ago by someone in Missouri, and rounds them off.
curl4ever
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2006
- Posts
- 2,015
Very very funny! Glad you did post them. Thanks, DG.
Glad my practical experience is confirmed by these official explanations!
Thanks, Handley!- Status
