Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

I really liked that one Handley. I was reading a joke in Playboy not to long ago and it was about aliens flying over earth.

Alien one: What do you think? Is this a good planet for us?

Alien two: No, we can't live among these people.

Alien one: Why not?

Alien two: Because everything they eat turns to shit.

 

[DG Hear]

The Blind Bunny

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail
and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy
little nose.

"Oh please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over
you, but I'm blind and can't see.."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was
my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see
you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never
seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft,
and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and
a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind
of animal are you?"

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to
examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls....
You must be a politician."

 

[curl4ever]

Q: What's the square root of 69? A: Eight something.

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT! ...
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

Blond Joke ... (painting)

My Grandpa........

Dirty Abe...

I was reading a joke in Playboy not too long ago and it was about aliens flying over earth. ...

The Blind Bunny ...

"They're made out of meat." ...

.

Well, I go away for a few days and get two great pages of jokes to read... Guess I'll have to go away more often.

Thanks, DG and Handley! Very very nice ones to brighten my return to real life.
- curl

 

[DG Hear]

The Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit.. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit-but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

 

[DG Hear]

Movie Night

Two junior co-eds, Judy and Fern went to the movies one night.

Fifteen minutes into the movie Judy leaned over to Fern and
whispered to her friend, "What should I do? The guy sitting next
to me is masturbating."

Unable to tear her gaze from the movie screen Fern whispered back
"Don't do anything, just ignore it."

"Believe me Fern" retorted Judy somewhat indignantly, "I wish I
could ignore it but I can't."

"Oh why not!" hissed back Fern.

"Because he's using my hand!"

 

[DG Hear]

Star Wars

Q: How do you describe s Star Wars geek thats masturbating?

A: Hes pullin a Hans Solo on his Wookie....

Lights Out

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

 

[DG Hear]

Ode to Forgetfulness
DG

This is priceless. Click below


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lSliucgygc

 

[DG Hear]

POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm
Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we
heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the
door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared.

And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire,
found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the
other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been
standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo
sorry!" The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I
went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....

 

[DG Hear]

Just Stuff

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.


I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour But, By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,
' For fast relief.'

 

[DG Hear]

A Public Service

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...

And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,

In beer there is freedom,

In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
(E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when
Drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification
Process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop, Wine = Health .

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.

 

[DG Hear]

Big Bad Blondes

A slight little guy is having a drink in a bar. A lot of drinks. A very dark bar.
He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear
a funny blonde joke?".

The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know
something. I'm blonde, and six feet tall, 210 lb. and I'm a professional
triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2"
and 220; she's an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde
who's 6'5", weighs 250 lb., and she's a professional kickboxer. We're
three big, bad blondes! Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

The guy blinks and swallows, thinks about it a second and says, "Heck
no! Not if I'm going to have to explain it three times!"

 

[curl4ever]

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
...

Big Bad Blondes...

Stunningly funny! Thanks, DG!

 

[DG Hear]

Stunningly funny! Thanks, DG!

Thanks Curl, you're about the only one who comments anymore. I do appreciate it. I must be on everyones ignore list.
Thanks for letting me know you at least read them.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Pregnancy Question

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's
office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...,"
to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on
her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

 

[DG Hear]

Army

So Bob is in the army. he is in iraq for like 3 months and starts getting so horny, so he asks the guys what do you do for sex around here? They respond you have to make an apointment with the camel (thinking to him self I'm not having sex with a camel), so 6 months go by and he goes and looks a the camel and says that camel aint looking so bad so he makes an apointment.

The next night he goes in there and looks at the camel and takes a barrel in the tent so he can start humping the camel and the general walks in and says Bob what the fuck are you doing? Why dont you ride the camel in to town like everyone else?!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

That's one of the old foreign legion jokes, DG. My personal favorite goes...

A guy joins the foriegn legion and is posted at a fort far out in the desert. After a few months, he asked the sargent what the guys do for sex.

"Well, most of ze guys use Good Old Reliable Joe," replied the sargent.

"Joe? Who the hell is he?"

"He iz one of ze other soldiers here."

"No. I don't go for that shit," the new guy said, shaking his head.

After a few months the soldier went back the to Sargent and asked again.

"Like I told you before. Ze guys use Good Old Reliavle Joe."

The soldier conciders then asks the sargent, "If I were to... um... use Joe, who would know about it?"

The sargent thinks for a moment then says, "Well, there's you and me, of course. And Joe and the other two guys."

"What other two guys?"

"Why ze two guys who hold Old Joe down. He don't for for zat shit either."

 

[DG Hear]

That's one of the old foreign legion jokes, DG. My personal favorite goes...

A guy joins the foriegn legion and is posted at a fort far out in the desert. After a few months, he asked the sargent what the guys do for sex.

"Well, most of ze guys use Good Old Reliable Joe," replied the sargent.

"Joe? Who the hell is he?"

"He iz one of ze other soldiers here."

"No. I don't go for that shit," the new guy said, shaking his head.

After a few months the soldier went back the to Sargent and asked again.

"Like I told you before. Ze guys use Good Old Reliavle Joe."

The soldier conciders then asks the sargent, "If I were to... um... use Joe, who would know about it?"

The sargent thinks for a moment then says, "Well, there's you and me, of course. And Joe and the other two guys."

"What other two guys?"

"Why ze two guys who hold Old Joe down. He don't for for zat shit either."

Good one Jenny!!! Thanks for posting. If you have any more, feel free to post them, we don't care how old they are or how many times they've been posted. They are always new to someone.

 

[DG Hear]

Shots

A young man sits down at a bar.

"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want six shots of Jagermeister," responds the young man.

"Six shots!?" says the bartender, "Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob," replies the young man.

"Well, in that case," says the bartender, slapping him on the back, "let me give you a seventh on the house."

The man holds up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if six shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

 

[DG Hear]

Hard Liquor

Two girls were comparing boyfriends. "Mine's the best," said the first. "I call him Seven-Up because he's 7 inches long and he's always up!" "Oh yeah," exclaimed the other, "I call my boyfriend Jack Daniel's because he's the best hard licker there is!"

 

[LesGermane]

Good one, Jenny.

It's sergeant, not sargent.

That's one of the old foreign legion jokes, DG. My personal favorite goes...

A guy joins the foriegn legion and is posted at a fort far out in the desert. After a few months, he asked the sargent what the guys do for sex.

"Well, most of ze guys use Good Old Reliable Joe," replied the sargent.

"Joe? Who the hell is he?"

"He iz one of ze other soldiers here."

"No. I don't go for that shit," the new guy said, shaking his head.

After a few months the soldier went back the to Sargent and asked again.

"Like I told you before. Ze guys use Good Old Reliavle Joe."

The soldier conciders then asks the sargent, "If I were to... um... use Joe, who would know about it?"

The sargent thinks for a moment then says, "Well, there's you and me, of course. And Joe and the other two guys."

"What other two guys?"

"Why ze two guys who hold Old Joe down. He don't for for zat shit either."

 

[DG Hear]

The Password

A woman was helping her computer illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on with.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the "shock effect" to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p.,e.,n.,i.,s."

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: "PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH"

 

[DG Hear]

Condom Slogans

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner

6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member

16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!

 

[DG Hear]

Sex Talk

A professor was asked to give a talk on "Sex".

When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium, adjusted the microphone just so.

He said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure . . ."

And he sat back down

 

[DG Hear]

Gay Family

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

 

[curl4ever]

"I want six shots of Jagermeister," ...

Hard Liquor...

The Password...

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey....

All excellent! Thanks for the laughs, DG!