Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Women's Comebacks

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female inpersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unferrtilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

 

[DG Hear]

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILEs

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!
Have a Great Day!

 

[DG Hear]

Every once in a while you receive and you just want to pass it along.

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"

Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"

 

[DG Hear]

the Potty

A Little Three Year Old Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet. His Mother Thinks He Has Been In There Too Long, So She Goes In To See What's Up. The Little Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet Reading A Book. But About Every 10 Seconds Or So He Puts The Book Down, Grips Onto To The Toilet Seat With His Left Hand And Hits Himself On Top Of The Head With His Right Hand.

His Mother Says: "bobby, Are You All Right? You've Been In Here For A While.

Bobby Says: "i'm Fine, Mommy.. I Just Haven't Gone 'doody' Yet."

Mother Says: "ok, You Can Stay Here A Few More Minutes But, Bobby, Why Are You Hitting Yourself On The Head?"

Bobby Says: "works For Ketchup...

:d

 

[DG Hear]

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.

----------------------------------------------------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
---------------------- --------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall! *******************************************

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
***************************************************


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!

 

[Bianca_Sommerland]

I love this thread. Was having a bad day. We're feeling much better now.

 

[DG Hear]

Spanish words of the day.


1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.

Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2 *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home, wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair.

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

 

[DG Hear]

Blond Joke (surprised?)

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down
to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat.. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka
and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she
if OK. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house..

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
said....

You'll love this...

Yep. I know you will...


"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

 

[DG Hear]

My Grandpa........

I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet. It comes from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminise. We used to take long walks and drives together. He would make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him.

I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember best, the jewel in the crown of grand-fatherly advice came from him when I was only 12.

We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. Then he said, "And be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"Why should I do that, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

 

[DG Hear]

Great Comebacks


A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting
sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you
were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't
so ugly it would lift itself."

 

[DG Hear]

Mouthy Boys

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat.

"I'll have some fuckin' French toast," he says.

The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants.

"Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin' French toast for me," he says.

She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast.

"I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the fuckin' French toast."

 

[DG Hear]

Alcohol

Why did man create alcohol?

So ugly girls could have sex too.

Dirty Abe

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

 

[DG Hear]

How the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while
slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.


If you smoke three packs a day
For 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the
tobacco company..


If your neighbour crashes
into a tree while driving home drunk,
he blames the bartender.


If your grandchildren are
Brats without manners,
you blame television.


If your friend is shot by a
Deranged madman,
you blame the gun manufacturer.


And if a crazed person breaks
into the cockpit and
tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet,
and the passengers
kill him instead,
the mother of the crazed deceased
blames the airline.


I must have lived too long to
understand the world
as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer,
I want all of you to
blame Bill Gates.

 

[DG Hear]

The Pope and Pelosi

The Pope & Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day they will rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that; with one little wave of your hand? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

 

[DG Hear]

What did the tornado say to the coconut tree?

A: Hang on to your nuts, this isn't going to be any regular blow job!


Sexual Olympics

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

 

[DG Hear]

Unusual Tattoos

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.

She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

A man joins an order of devout monks at a remote abby. The Abbot informs the man that he must take a vow of silence. But if he is a good monk then he would be allowed to say two words every 10 years. The man agrees.

After 10 years the man is ushered into the Abbot's office. The Abbot say, "My son, you may speak."

The man looks around and after a bit say, "Work hard."

"Yes, yes," the Abbot replied. "Now go back to work."

After 20 years the man is again ushered into the Abbot's offce and told he can speak.

The man shakes his head and say, "Very tired."

"Yes, yes," the Abbot replied. "Now go back to work."

At the end of 30 years the man is ushered into the Abbot's office once more and told he could speak.

The man stands up straight and stares at the Abbot. "I quite."

The Abbot shakes his head and looks back at the man. "I'm not surprised. All you've done since you've been here is bitch bitch bitch."

 

[Handley_Page]

It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why
people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the
early hours of the morning.

The reason for this odd behaviour is based on Einstein's famous Relativity
Theory. It works like this: it is a well known fact that the more you
drink, the faster you move. After about 8 beers (or 4 double brandies &
coke, etc), you're moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where
Einstein enters the picture. According to his Relativity Theory, any body
moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e.
time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub.

Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time
machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two
hours pass outside the pub. A typical situation is: "OK guys, it's 8
o'clock, I'm gonna surprise the family and get home early!!" However, the
moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated
by negative radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes:

"WTF??!!?? - why is it so quiet?? Holy sh!t!!! It's half past one!! WHAT
HAPPENED???!!??" .and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation!!

I've tried to explain this to outside observers, but so far nobody (except
fellow time travellers) has been able or willing to understand the sound
scientific basis of this phenomenon.

Please forward this to all your known time travellers - maybe we can prove
this theory by sheer, overwhelming force of numbers.

 

[Handley_Page]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his
wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will
give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so begged
their dad for the clue.

"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's a fucking arsehole!!"

 

[Handley_Page]

Try this, but don't get caught at work !

http://www.bassfiles.net/parachute.swf

 

[Handley_Page]

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous.
Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why. A couple in Sweetwater ,
Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife
was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of
the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go
under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to
see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He
got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that
time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the
snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him
to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not
listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying
him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the
Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.
That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on
a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a
rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it
was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while
relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the
snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back
under the sofa. The neighbour, seeing her lying there passed out, tried
to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying
on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake
had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey,
and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived. Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the
women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the
policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg
of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the
bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to
beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of
the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where
an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police
car..

Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning drapes and called in the fire
department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were
halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put
out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block
area (but they did get the house fire out). Time passed! Both men were
discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home,
the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold
snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should
bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

 

[Handley_Page]

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together.
Solution? I sent them to her dad." --Christopher Case

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen DeGeneres

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'" --Jake Johansen

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." --Dick Cavett

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown

"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget." --Michael McShane

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork.

God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
--Jon Stewart

 

[DG Hear]

Worth another read
DG

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

you've got male!

 

[DG Hear]

Oldie but funny
DG

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton...

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drinkorders.The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placedbefore him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also likedrink.The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped bya brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!

"The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

 

[Handley_Page]

From a series of stories titled,"Alien/Nation," in the April issue of Omni.

"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the
planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the through.
They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the
stars."

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them.
The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the
machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to
believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient
race in the sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that
goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of
their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life
span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei.
A meat head with an electron plamsa brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the weddilei.
But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of
meat!"

"So... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat
is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Finally. Yes, they are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to
get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"So what does the meat have in mind."

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the
universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat?"

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello.
Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"

"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how
when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their
meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their
meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all
sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or
favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the
whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact
with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it
going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but
they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C-space.
which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their
ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who
have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they
won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and
smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropiate, that we should be meat's
dream."

"And we can marked this sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone
interested on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class
nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotation ago, wants to
be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe
would be if one were all alone."


.