Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

The Horse and The Chicken

There was a chicken and a horse playing together in a barn yard.

Suddenly the horse falls into a pit. He yells to the chicken, "Go
get the farmer, save me, save me!!!"

The chicken can't find the Farmer, so he gets the farmer's BMW and drives it over to the mud pit, lassos
the horse and pulls him out. The horse says,
"Thank you, Thank you, I owe you my life..."

Then a couple days later they're playing again and this time the
chicken falls into the mud pit and the chicken says, "Help me Help
me!!! Go get the farmer!!!"

So the horse says, "No No No, I think I can get you." The horse
stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken, "Grab onto my
dick." The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back, and the
horse saves the chickens' life.

So whats the moral of the story???

If you have a dick the size of a horse then you don't need a BMW
to pick up chicks.

 

[curl4ever]

The Horse and The Chicken

...

Very cute! Thanks, DG!

 

[DG Hear]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
____________ _________ _________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
____________ _________ ________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
___________ _________ ________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
____________ _________ ________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
____________ _________ _________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


____________ _________ _________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
____________ _________ ________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
___________ _________ ________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

[DG Hear]

Only a half sick joke.
DG

Pushup to you throw up

A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar."

So the cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad ... whenever I get big, fat and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad."

So this penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, "You think that your life is tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark smelly room and make me do push ups until I throw up!"

 

[DG Hear]

Condoms in Isle 12

This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.
The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.
So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"
So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"

 

[DG Hear]

Older but cute.
DG

jocks

At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass jock raises his hand.

"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exahausted?''

''Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with.''

 

[DG Hear]

Cosmetics Line

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

 

[curl4ever]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
...

Pushup to you throw up
...

Condoms in Isle 12
...

Nice ones! Thanks, DG!

 

[heatsink]

Cupboard Joke

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here?!'

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.


Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '£250'

Man - 'Sold'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'Ok how much this time?'

Boy - '£350'


Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - 'To a friend of mine for a £600.'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing overcharging your friend like that.


'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'.

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my fucking cupboard now'!!

 

[DG Hear]

Oldie but still funny.
DG

Making Puppies

Johnny and his father were taking a walk, when Johnny noticed two dogs mating.

Johnny asks his father, "What are those dogs doing?"

"Well they are making puppies," his dad says.

The next day they see the same dogs mating and already Johnny says, "Hey they are making puppies!"

That night Johnny walks in on his parents having sex. Curious, Johnny asks, "What are you two doing?"

"Well we are making you a baby sister," said his dad.

"No no no" yells Johnny, "roll her over and make me some puppies!

 

[DG Hear]

Vampries

Q:What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other?

A:Same time next month?


Red Tomatos

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

 

[DG Hear]

21 Inches

So three men are drinking in a car. They get pulled over by a female cop, who comes up to the side window. They roll down the window, and she says "I'll let you three go free if you all together add up to 21 inches."

So the driver pulls his pants down. 10 inches. The man in the passenger seat pulls his pants down. 10 inches. The man in the back seat pulls his pants down, and he's only one measly inch. However, they do in fact add up to 21 inches so they get to go free.

As they're driving down the road the man with the one inch dick says "THANK GOD I POPPED A BONER BACK THERE GUYS!!!!"

 

[DG Hear]

Nuts

Did you hear about the 120-pound guy with the 60-pound testicles?

People say he was half-nuts!


Football talent

On the first day of football practice, the coached noticed that little Billy had a little bit of talent. So he tells him to come over here.

"Yea coach, what is it?"

The coach looks down at the young and short Billy and asks "Hey kid, do ya think you could pass a football?"

Little Billy ponders for a moment and looks up at the coach and replies "Christ coach, I don't think I could even swallow one."

 

[msimon]

funny graphic - swine flu

I've got some funny graphics.. I hope you enjoy. First one is about swine flu.

http://typobounty.com/Funny/Swine-Flu.htm

 

[Tarakin]

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love,
Hollingsworth

P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

 

[curl4ever]

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work....

Vampires...

Q:What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other?

A:Same time next month?

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal....

Dear heatsink, DG, and Tarakin,
Very funny! Thanks for the great posts!
- curl

 

[DG Hear]

BIRTHDAY REMINDER !

This month we celebrate a special birthday:

Monica Lewinsky turns 44.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling around the White House
on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast ...

 

[Tricialen]

BIRTHDAY REMINDER !

This month we celebrate a special birthday:

Monica Lewinsky turns 44.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling around the White House
on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast ...

Too funny

 

[DG Hear]

Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??' 'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.

 

[DG Hear]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...

Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen.
Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell
to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle
to her feet and regain her composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me.
On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again.
Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

 

[DG Hear]

The suppository

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"

"What's the matter?" asks the wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"

 

[DG Hear]

Pregnant with my child

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.

But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM !

The beaver drops dead in front of him.

"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

The Doctor says, "My point exactly."

 

[DG Hear]

Deaf sex
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"


Square root

Q: What's the square root of 69?

A: Eight something.

 

[DG Hear]

Sarcasm at Its Best

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings; she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be! She has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie?"

Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.

About five minutes passed and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, no... nothing at all... really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill.

And there's no way I'm going to miss it!

 

[DG Hear]

Accountant Goes to Jail

A nerdy little accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge guy with a big bulge. The cellmate says, "I wanna have some sex. Are you gonna be the husband or the wife?"
The little guy says, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband."

The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."