Humor Thread

[mia_erotica]

humor me

My summer lovin' contest entry is a comedy if anyone needs a laugh. Since I don't have much of a following, as someone pointed out to me, I am whoring for readers. Please, you guys, laugh with me.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=437281

 

[TE999]

My summer lovin' contest entry is a comedy if anyone needs a laugh. Since I don't have much of a following, as someone pointed out to me, I am whoring for readers. Please, you guys, laugh with me.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=437281

I liked it, mia.

 

[mia_erotica]

humor me with gratitude

Thank you so much T, thanks for the kind words about Madge and for sharing the love.

 

[divlem]

Mr Peanut

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her
mother, Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded
me of a peanut.'

With a grin, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No... salty.

Mom fainted----

 

[divlem]

English as a second language

I don't make em up, I just send them on.

1. *Cheese* The teacher told Pepito to use the word
cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: "Maria likes me,
but cheese fat."

2. *Mushroom* When all my family get in the peeeekup,
there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder* My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but
she didn't know how to read, so I shoulder.

4. * Texas * My fren always Texas me when I'm not
home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes* Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine
piece and she got herpes.

6. *July* Ju told me ju were going to tha store and
July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum* I had 2 peeeekups but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken* I was going to go to the store with my
wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair* We only have one enchilada left, but
don't worry, wheelchair.

10. *Chicken wing* My wife plays the lottery so
chicken wing.

11. *Harassment* My wife caught me in bed with another
women and I told her "Honey, harassment nothing to
me."

12. *Bishop* My wife fell down the stair so I had to
pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash* I want to go to the club but no body
wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser* That women over there has a nice body,
budweiser face so ugly?

 

[DG Hear]

I don't make em up, I just send them on.

1. *Cheese* The teacher told Pepito to use the word
cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: "Maria likes me,
but cheese fat."

14. *Budweiser* That women over there has a nice body,
budweiser face so ugly?

Some cute stuff divlem. Thanks for contributing to the Humor thread. Come back often.
DG

Mia - Hope your story does well. Good luck in the contest.
DG

 

[curl4ever]

Pest Control

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for some condoms with insecticide.

"I think you mean spermicide,"� says the cashier.

"No,"� he says, "I need condoms with insecticide. My wife has a bug up her ass, and I'm going in after it."

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her
mother, Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded
me of a peanut.'

With a grin, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No... salty.

Mom fainted----

Nice ones! Thanks, DG and divlem!

 

[DG Hear]

There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boson that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.

"Pittman, you change with Jones; McCarthy, you change with Witkowski; and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!!!"

THE MORAL: Someone may be promising "Change" in Washington; but don't count on things smelling any better.

 

[mia_erotica]

thanks

Some cute stuff divlem. Thanks for contributing to the Humor thread. Come back often.
DG

Mia - Hope your story does well. Good luck in the contest.
DG

Thanks DJ- All I need are readers.

 

[DG Hear]

Praying for Leroy

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for
Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next
Wednesday!"

 

[DG Hear]

The Question

A teacher asked one of her students the following question. "If you have $300, and you give $75 to Susan, $75 to Sarah, and $75 to Liz, what do you have?"

apparently, "an orgy" wasn't the right answer...

Pretend you're a Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

 

[DG Hear]

Geography of Women

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

 

[DG Hear]

Doing my best to keep the humor page on page 1.
DG


10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

 

[JackLuis]

Your Driver's License Tells It All....too cute

A mother is driving a little boy to his friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little boy asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.

'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little boy says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little boy asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That is enough questions, young man, honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little boy says to his friend..

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it..'

Later that night the little boy says to his mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little boy says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'


'Because you got an F in sex.'

 

[DG Hear]

A mother is driving a little boy to his friend's house for a play date.

'Because you got an F in sex.'

Thanks Jack, that really was a good one.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

This one is nasty!

Taste Test

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are riding in an elevator. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain!" The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain too!" The blonde leans over and licks the spot on the elevator wall, then says, "Yep, but it's nobody from this building."

 

[DG Hear]

A few questions and answers

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!

Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

 

[sadangel]

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"




Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."



It's the year 2389, and martian and earth couples are living peaceably side by side. One day, an earth couple and a martian couple are having lunch and the subject of sex comes up. Because the earth couple has so many questions, the couples decide to swap partners for a week.

A little later, the martian man and the earth-woman are alone in a bedroom, getting undressed. When the martian is naked, the woman is surprised that his penis is only 1/2 inch long and a 1/2 inch wide.

"Hold on," says the martian, who slaps his face, which makes his penis grow longer with each snap. "Oops, it's not wide enough yet." He pulls his ears, and with each tug, his penis grows wider. "All set!" he says, and the martian and the woman have incredible, mind-blowing sex.

Later, the woman meets up with her husband, and asks him how it was. "Well, it was fine. But I have a headache now because she kept pulling my ears and slapping my face."


John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening, "Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife."

When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening." His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's To The Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife." His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your Toast."

The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local police man on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Riley. He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize."

"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time they had to pull him out by the ears."



An anthropology professor had a reputation for using rough language and telling bawdy stories in class. Naturally, his class contained a few coeds. The girls who did attend his lecture, however, were subjected to his regular habit of dispensing lewd, locker room humor.

They decided the time had come to do something. Next time the professor began his nonsense, all the girls would get up immediately, leave the classroom, and go straight to the dean's office. Good strategy. But the professor had been tipped off and was ready for them.

Next morning, as soon as the class settled in, he pointed to a map of Africa and said, "The men here have penises that are ten inches long!"

The coeds got up and started for the door.

"Oh, don't rush off now, girls. The boat doesn't leave for a week."




Sexual Dictionary:

ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT ..... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling toward a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".

INTERESTING..... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY..... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC..... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

 

[dropkickacid]

not dirty, but one of my favorite one-liners of all time:

Q: what did the zen master say to the hot dog vendor?
A: make me one with everything...

 

[curl4ever]

Dear sadangel and dropkickacid.

Thanks for the great jokes this morning!

- curl

 

[DG Hear]

Sick Joke, You've been warned!!!

Sick Hooker

A man walked into a whorehouse and picked out his date for the night. He was feeling extra frisky so he decided to go down on her. After a minute or so he notices a spaghetti noodle in her cooter. He decides to let it go and continues for a while and then pulls out half of a meatball.

He looks up and yells "Damn bitch are you sick?"

She says "no but the guy before you was."

 

[DG Hear]

In Love With A Teacher

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day,she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

 

[DG Hear]

A man's view of safe sex
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard

 

[DG Hear]

Not sure if I posted this lately or not
DG

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

 

[DG Hear]

This makes sense to me.
DG

Cigarettes and Oral Sex

What do cigarettes and oral sex have in common?

They both taste stronger as you get closer to the butt