DG Hear
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Humor Thread
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DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Drilling Holes
A woman is standing in line at the pearly gates talking to St. Peter when she hears an awful scream. "What was that!?" she asks.
"Oh don't worry," St. Peter replies, "That was the person before you getting the holes drilled in their back for their wings."
"Ouch," she blurts.
Again she hears another ear-shattering scream. "Now what was that?" she inquires.
St. Peter responds, "The same person was getting holes drilled in their head for a halo."
Terrified the woman looks St. Peter in the eyes and says, "I think I'd rather go to hell."
He responds, "No, no you don't want to do that, you'll be raped and sodomized there!"
The woman pauses and replies, "Well, at least I already have the holes for that!"
A woman is standing in line at the pearly gates talking to St. Peter when she hears an awful scream. "What was that!?" she asks.
"Oh don't worry," St. Peter replies, "That was the person before you getting the holes drilled in their back for their wings."
"Ouch," she blurts.
Again she hears another ear-shattering scream. "Now what was that?" she inquires.
St. Peter responds, "The same person was getting holes drilled in their head for a halo."
Terrified the woman looks St. Peter in the eyes and says, "I think I'd rather go to hell."
He responds, "No, no you don't want to do that, you'll be raped and sodomized there!"
The woman pauses and replies, "Well, at least I already have the holes for that!"
DG Hear
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Oldie but goodie
DG
Cleaned Up
A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
DG
Cleaned Up
A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
DG Hear
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Tampons
Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replies.
The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"
"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."
Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replies.
The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"
"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
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A man walks into a neighborhood drug store and asks to see the pharmacist. He's met by a middle aged woman wearing a white jacket.
"I'm the pharmacist, may I help you?"
"Is there a man I could speak with?"
"No. There's my sister and myself. We're the owners. What did you need?"
"This is embarassing, but I've had an erection for a week now and it won't go down. What can you give me for it?"
"I'll need to talk to my sister. I'll be right back."
"That was fast. What did she say I can get for it?"
"We can offer you $500.00 up front and a 1/4 interest in the drug store."
"I'm the pharmacist, may I help you?"
"Is there a man I could speak with?"
"No. There's my sister and myself. We're the owners. What did you need?"
"This is embarassing, but I've had an erection for a week now and it won't go down. What can you give me for it?"
"I'll need to talk to my sister. I'll be right back."
"That was fast. What did she say I can get for it?"
"We can offer you $500.00 up front and a 1/4 interest in the drug store."
DG Hear
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Magic Mirror
There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her.
Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*
There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her.
Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*
DG Hear
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159 years ago
Do you know what was happening 159 years ago this fall... back in 1850?
California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands
Do you know what was happening 159 years ago this fall... back in 1850?
California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands
DG Hear
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Confessions
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much.
However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said.... "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...
As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. "You told me you penis was the size of an infant!", she said.
"Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much.
However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said.... "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...
As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. "You told me you penis was the size of an infant!", she said.
"Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"
Last edited:
Weird Harold
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Funny stuff.Tampons
Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replies.
The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"
"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in your refrigerator?
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You can't get the door closed.
DG Hear
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The Docks
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. The old sailor asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. The old sailor asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."
curl4ever
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DG Hear
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Cheater
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to give an example his students could relate to.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to give an example his students could relate to.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."
DG Hear
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Mommy's Balloons
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
DG Hear
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Tire vs. Condoms
Q: What is the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?
A: One is a good year and the other is a great year.
Waste
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
dwarf
Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?
Because the grass tickels their balls!
Good Beach Exercise
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q: What is the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?
A: One is a good year and the other is a great year.
Waste
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
dwarf
Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?
Because the grass tickels their balls!
Good Beach Exercise
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
DG Hear
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Little Mary
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
NOTE:
Have you ever noticed in how many jokes the teacher always seems to faint?
DG
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
NOTE:
Have you ever noticed in how many jokes the teacher always seems to faint?
DG
DG Hear
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Eating out
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Square root
Q: What's the square root of 69?
A: Eight something.
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Square root
Q: What's the square root of 69?
A: Eight something.
DG Hear
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NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
DG Hear
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This will explain why this country is in the shape it's in!
THESE ARE FUNNY!!!!! EXPLAINS A LOT!!!!!
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is
in trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an
aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the
window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard
Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length
of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me
with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in
Massachusetts ''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod
is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''
his response -- clic
k.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about
a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in
Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o
explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the
state.
He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very
thin state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it
possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and
asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation
and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him
why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big
airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.''
(Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She
needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at
8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she
couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the
plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold20Nadler) called and asked, ''Do
airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose
luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag
on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very
rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was
dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno ,
Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a
destination tag on his luggage.
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a
trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked,
''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to
Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright
(D) from Alaska who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my
flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer
planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landri
eu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the
documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy
discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh,
no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of
those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told
her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time
they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations,
''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the
name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked
up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.
Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You
don't mean Buffalo , do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
THESE ARE FUNNY!!!!! EXPLAINS A LOT!!!!!
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is
in trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an
aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the
window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard
Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length
of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me
with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in
Massachusetts ''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod
is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''
his response -- clic
k.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about
a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in
Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried t o
explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the
state.
He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very
thin state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it
possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and
asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation
and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him
why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big
airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.''
(Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She
needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at
8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she
couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the
plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold20Nadler) called and asked, ''Do
airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose
luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag
on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very
rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was
dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno ,
Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a
destination tag on his luggage.
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a
trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked,
''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to
Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright
(D) from Alaska who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my
flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to
Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer
planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landri
eu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the
documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy
discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh,
no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of
those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told
her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time
they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations,
''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the
name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked
up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.
Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You
don't mean Buffalo , do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
likeat
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2006
- Posts
- 320
The Mexican Maid
The shapely Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The housewife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
' Maria: 'Well, there are three reasons why I want an increase..
The first is that I iron better than you. '
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No ...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
The shapely Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The housewife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
' Maria: 'Well, there are three reasons why I want an increase..
The first is that I iron better than you. '
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No ...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
oggbashan
Dying Truth seeker
- Joined
- Jul 3, 2002
- Posts
- 56,017
Best of the Edinburgh Festival
The funniest joke at this year's Edinburgh Festival Fringe has been revealed.
The one-liner came from London comic Dan Antopolski, 36, who is known for his surreal stand up routines.
A panel of nine comedy critics sifted through more than 3,600 minutes of material to find the winner of the Dave Award for the Funniest Joke of the Fringe.
Wait for it; wait for it...
"Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?"
Og
The funniest joke at this year's Edinburgh Festival Fringe has been revealed.
The one-liner came from London comic Dan Antopolski, 36, who is known for his surreal stand up routines.
A panel of nine comedy critics sifted through more than 3,600 minutes of material to find the winner of the Dave Award for the Funniest Joke of the Fringe.
Wait for it; wait for it...
"Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?"
Og
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Blind Date
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Pussy Creation Poem
The Creation of a Pussy
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and ****ed it,
and called it a cunt.
The Creation of a Pussy
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and ****ed it,
and called it a cunt.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Naked Man
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
Nice, but can it pick up peanuts?
Pest Control
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for some condoms with insecticide.
"I think you mean spermicide,"� says the cashier.
"No,"� he says, "I need condoms with insecticide. My wife has a bug up her ass, and I'm going in after it."
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
Nice, but can it pick up peanuts?
Pest Control
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for some condoms with insecticide.
"I think you mean spermicide,"� says the cashier.
"No,"� he says, "I need condoms with insecticide. My wife has a bug up her ass, and I'm going in after it."
- Status
