Humor Thread

[Handley_Page]

A notable gynaecologist once said: "The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental."

 

[DG Hear]

Breast Biting

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

 

[DG Hear]

The Dentist

A guy & a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

 

[DG Hear]

Had this before but it makes me laugh
DG

Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and suck your boobs dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

 

[Tricialen]

Had this before but it makes me laugh
DG

Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and suck your boobs dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Very funny...you are awful...in a good way

 

[DG Hear]

No need for condoms

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

 

[DG Hear]

Old but still funny
DG

Last Longer

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

 

[jomar]

oldie but a goodie...

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine.'

'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

'OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

'What about that eye patch?'

'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'

'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird shit?'

'Well, it was my first day with the hook.'

 

[curl4ever]

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

...

Very nice! Thanks, jomar.

 

[Handley_Page]

Paddy was asked if he preferred legs or breasts.

He replied that he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies.

He was informed that this wasn't an option when choosing a KFC bargain bucket.

 

[Handley_Page]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also.

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high"

 

[DG Hear]

The Missing Condoms

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber.

When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend."

 

[DG Hear]

Not the nicest joke.
DG

The Cure

A gay man named Roger goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Roger, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." Roger is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Roger asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your as*hole is for."

 

[DG Hear]

Lovers Lane

A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting.

He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down.

"Yes officer?"

"I have to ask you, what are you doing?"

"Well sir, I am reading a magazine."

"What about the young lady in the backseat?"

The young man turns to look behind him. "Well, I think she is knitting a pullover sweater."

"How old are you young man?" the officer asks.

"I am 25 Officer."

"And the girl?"

The young man looks at his watch. "Well, she'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

 

[curl4ever]

Lovers Lane

A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting.

...

Loved it!!! Delightfully surprising zinger! Thanks, DG!

 

[DG Hear]

Man of the house

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE
MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need
to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare
me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will
serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs
with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my
back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.. Then, you will massage my feet
and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

The wife replied, 'The frickin' funeral director would be my first guess.

 

[Handley_Page]

The Lie vs The Truth

The Lie: We are just friends
The Truth: Try as I might, this person just won't get into bed with me - yet

The Lie: I worry about your health
The Truth: If you think I am going to push you around in a wheelchair when you've got emphysema, you've got another think coming

The Lie: I have never faked an orgasm
The Truth: If you believe that, you'll believe anything

The Lie: I like you as a friend
The Truth: One step closer and I'll punch you on the nose

The Lie: I want you to be successful
The Truth: Can you seriously see me living as a pauper until my inheritance comes through?

The Lie: Of course you aren't fat
The Truth: Pick up two more kgs and I'll hit the road

The Lie: I'm not ready for a relationship
The Truth: Not with you anyway, not now or ever

The Lie: I have only had sex with one other person
The Truth: I am not counting colleagues or one-night-stands

The Lie: What's mine is yours
The Truth: Touch my hi-fi or video recorder and you're dead. What's more, you don't even know about my shares

The Lie: I'll love you forever
The Truth: You are actually the third person I've said this to, but you know how these things go

The Lie: I have to go out of town on business
The Truth: The tall, dark and handsome guy from accounts is coming too.

The Lie: I can't make it tonight - I have family commitments
The Truth: An old girlfriend/boyfriend is in town and I am having dinner at the hotel

The Lie: I need space
The Truth: I have met someone else

The Lie: I love you when you wash the dishes
The Truth: This one is true - I will also tell you how much I love you when you fetch the kids, even though it is my turn.

The Lie: Of course I care about your parents
The Truth: I just don't like to spend time with them

The Lie: I'm not good enough for you - you deserve someone better
The Truth: Actually I deserve someone better

The Lie: It's not a problem at all, I understand
The Truth: If you ever make me wait half an hour in the boiling sun for you again, I'll give you up for medical experiments

The Lie: That outfit looks lovely
The Truth: You look like Goofy, but we are already half an hour late

The Lie: Of course I want to go shopping with you
The Truth: What's in it for me?

The Lie: I'm working late, but remember I'm doing it for us
The Truth: I was the first one to manage to get a date with the new marketing manager

The Lie: I'm not going to ask you again to pick up your underwear from the bathroom floor
The Truth: I'll probably have to ask you another twelve thousand times

The Lie: My cellphone was switched off last night, because I went to bed early
The Truth: I was not alone

The Lie: Of course he/she is not as attractive as you are
The Truth: I can feel my nose growing longer

The Lie: I love you just the way you are
The Truth: What choice do I have anyway?

The Lie: Sorry I didn't wait up for you
The Truth: I sat in the dark in the sitting room and quickly ran to bed when I heard your car stopping

 

[DG Hear]

Beware of older men - they only get wiser!

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

 

[Guest]

Another oldie but goodie:

Medical ethics experts are undecided on the question of whether young male gynecologists should keep looking up old girlfriends.





And on a completely unrelated note: Do Shriners post on Fezbook?

 

[SweetWitch]

British headlines 1

http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh34/Molly_Wens/third/WhyBriti.jpg

 

[SweetWitch]

British headlines 2

http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh34/Molly_Wens/third/WhyBriti2-1.jpg

 

[SweetWitch]

British headlines 3

http://i252.photobucket.com/albums/hh34/Molly_Wens/third/WhyBriti3-1.jpg

 

[DG Hear]

Oral Awakening

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

 

[DG Hear]

I have been Posting a lot of repeat jokes that I am coming across. They make me smile.
DG

The Sergeant Major
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

 

[curl4ever]

The Lie vs The Truth
...

LOVED the relationship lie vs. truth!

British Headlines...

AWESOMELY FUNNY!

Man of the house
...
Beware of older men - they only get wiser!
...
Oral Awakening
...
I have been Posting a lot of repeat jokes that I am coming across. They make me smile.
DG

The Sergeant Major
...

Delightful jokes!

Thank you, Handley, SweetWitch, and DG!
You brightened my day in a perfect way.
I really appreciate your posts!
- curl