Humor Thread

[drivensnow]

A man and his wife were getting on in age and noticed their memory wasn't what it used to be. They decided to go to a seminar on mnemonics.

Afterwards, they couldn't stop raving about it! They invite one of their friends out to dinner, and in the car, they can't talk about anything else.

"It was just fantastic! The teacher was great and we've both been remembering things so much better since then," praises the man.

"That sounds great! You know, me and my wife could probably use that class too. What was the name of the teacher?" asks his friend.

The man closes his eyes in concentration. "Flower...flower with a long stem...with thorns on it...Rose! That's right! Rose, what was that fellow's name?"

 

[curl4ever]

A man and his wife were getting on in age and noticed their memory wasn't what it used to be. They decided to go to a seminar on mnemonics.

...

Very cute! Thanks, drivensnow!

 

[Handley_Page]

Warning Signs of Insanity ...

- You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you
mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

- You're always having to apologise to your next door neighbor for setting
fire to his lawn decorations.

- Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through
that scuba mask.

- You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped
on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek
revenge.

- You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

- You collect dead windowsill flies.

- Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its
wings!"

- You like cats. Especially with mayo.

- You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they
weren't rescued.

- You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

- Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

- You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

- You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the
middle of your front lawn.

- Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on
it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

- Melba toast sexually excites you.

- When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to
tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

- You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

- You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a
few minutes.

- Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulimia.

- Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"

- You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or
to be loved by an infectious disease.

- You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend
that you're a stalk.

- You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

- People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a
violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

 

[Handley_Page]

You know you’re Over the Hill When...

* You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

* You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you
cross your legs.

* Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

* You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.

* You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large...In
that order.

* You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a
circle and start singing Cumbaya.

* You keep repeating yourself.

* You start videotaping daytime game shows.

* At the airport, they ask to check your bags...and you're not carrying any
luggage.

* You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.

* Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...a
month at a time.

* At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

* Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

* When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays
out.

* One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

* Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling
ailments."

* You keep repeating yourself.

* It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

* You discover the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag" and "by-cracky"
creeping into your vocabulary.

* You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the
rocker.

* You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

* You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

* You look both ways before crossing a room.

* Your social security number only has three digits.

* You keep repeating yourself.

* You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

* You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden.

* You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.

* The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say "pureed."

* At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.

* You start beating everyone else at trivia games.

* You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to
cost.

* Your back goes out more than you do.

* You keep repeating yourself.

* Cafeteria food starts tasting GOOD.

* You refer to your $2500 stereo system as "The Hi-Fi."

* You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.

* You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when
you were growing up.

* Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

* Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last
promotion.

* The clothes you've put away until they come back in style...come back in
style.

* All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.

* The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

* You keep repeating yourself.

* You find this list tasteless and insensitive.

 

[curl4ever]

You know you’re Over the Hill When...

...

<sigh> Unfortunately, I recognize way too many of these.
Very very funny though! Thanks, Handley!

 

[DG Hear]

You know you’re Over the Hill When...

* You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

** You find this list tasteless and insensitive.

Oh Shit I've played the accordian for 55 yrs. Oh God!!! When did I turn old.


Thanks HP, good stuff.
DG

 

[Crudebug]

Oh Shit I've played the accordian for 55 yrs. Oh God!!! When did I turn old.

DG

rotflmao.. mebbe you were born OLD... lmao...
and getting younger by the day...

 

[DG Hear]

Biology Class

Mr. Cikoch was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban girl's junior college. During class one day he asked his student, "Miss Simison, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Simison gasped, and then said, "Mr. Cikoch, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this. "With that she sat down red-faced.

Mr. Cikoch then called on Miss Hakar and asked the same question. Miss Hakar, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Cikoch. "And now, Miss Simison, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

 

[DG Hear]

On the Road

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Melbourne. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a devon sandwich!!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

 

[DG Hear]

This ones pretty dumb.
DG

Broken Down

A car breaks down along the highway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in long black trench coats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to all the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups. When the police questioned him why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

 

[DG Hear]

Proctologist's Office

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

"Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT"

 

[Handley_Page]

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood
Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they
are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later): Loneliness!
And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you
be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose
do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in
the world dumber than an ant?
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.

Can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but she still won't go up to your apartment.

Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while you are talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter and I'll give
you a gesture you'll never forget!

What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies ... but I don't recommend the
cookies!

Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!"
What's that mean?
George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

It is the most abused and neglected part of your body-what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try
to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.

 

[DG Hear]

Poisoned

Two male buddies were walking through the woods when out of no where, a poisonous snake came and bit one of the men in the penis! The man collapsed to the ground while his friend ran to town to get help. The man arrived at a doctor's office and said help, help, my friend was bit by a snake in the penis.

The doctor remarked that he couldn't get all his tools to the woods in time to save the friend, so he told him that he would have to suck the venom out of his friend! There has got to be another way said the man and the doctor sighed no I am sorry!

The man ran back to the woods and found his poor friends lying on the floor in allot of pain! The man on the floor cried, what did the doctor say? The friend said, he said you're going to die.

 

[DG Hear]

Sunburn

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible
sunburn. He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being
diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to
blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous
intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra
pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for
him, Doctor?

The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

 

[sadangel]

Stole this off a board I go to:

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, determined never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return." The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

 

[Irania]

********************

 

[DG Hear]

Thanks both Sadangel and Raney. Loved them both. Please come back often.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Take What You Want

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

 

[fastandsloppy]

The penguin joke

A penguin was driving his car through the Mohave Desert when, just outside of a town, his car breaks down. Unfortunately, since he was merely a penguin he had no automotive expertise. Fortunately there was a garage just 100 yards away, just inside city limits.

"Sure, I'll take a look at your car Mr Penguin," said the mechanic. "But it'll take awhile. Why don't you waddle over to the diner across the street and have something to eat? I'll find you when I know what's up."

"Capital idea my good man," said the Penguin and off he waddled.

At the diner the Penguin decided that what he really wanted on such a hot, discouraging day was a big cone of vanilla ice cream. "I'll have a tripple scoop cone of vanilla, Ma'am," he told the waitress.

"We're out of cones honey. How about a bowl?" answered the waitress.

"A bowl would work splendidly!" said the penguin.

The bowl with two scoops of ice cream was brought to him. Being a penguin he was unable to use the spoon so he ate his ice cream from the bowl as all penguins do. He just buried his face into it and started messily slurping away.

A few minutes later the mechanic entered and walked up to the penguin.

"What news, my good man?" said the penguin.

"Well, Mr Penguin, it looks like you blew a seal."

"Oh no," explained the penguin. "This is just ice cream."

 

[fastandsloppy]

A joke your wife will not appreciate

A man with a black eye gets on his flight and walks back to his seat. As he settles in he notices the guy next to him also has a black eye.

"I notice you have a black eye too," he said.

"Yeah. How'd you get yours?" his neighbor replied.

The man laughed, "It's a kinda funny story actually. I was buying the ticket for this flight and I noticed that the woman behind the counter was had huge tits. They were very distacting. So, when I opened my mouth to ask for two tickets to Pittsburg what came out was 'May I have two pickets to Titsburg.' That's when she punched me in the eye."

"I see."

"How'd you get yours?"

"Oddly enough, it's a very similar story. I was sitting with my wife, eating breakfast. I meant to say 'Please pass the Post Toasties', but what came out was 'You fucking bitch you ruined my life.'"

 

[sadangel]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to
take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?”

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Lonely Traveler

Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!

I figured, what the heck, give her a call. "Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and Id like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"

"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

 

[sadangel]

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. He
went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy
an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged
bug), which came in a little white box to use for its house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would

start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to
church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, so he waited a few minutes and then
asked him again,
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. He
waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face
up against the centipede's house and shouting,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about the Lord?"

A little teeny voice came out of the box... "I heard you the
first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

 

[Handley_Page]

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes.

As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said,
"Good morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you." But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other,
"I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."

But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard,
"She got out of the wrong side of bed today."

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.
Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker . As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary.
"Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored!
"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.
"Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

 

[DG Hear]

Good jokes everyone, thanks for posting on the humor thread.
DG

What Is It?

What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND Works Best When Jerked?






A Seatbelt you pervert! Buckle up!