Humor Thread

[Crudebug]

Do you know what the main problem with Baptists is?
They never hold them down long enough.

Amen!!!
To correct this problem, the baptismal intonation will not stop at the trinity but will now be in the name of the father, son, holy ghost, the angels, the patriarchs and prophets Abraham, Issac, Noah, Moses, Joshua.. etc, etc.. their sons, wives, concubines, etc.. etc.. (till the bubbles stop rising in the water...)
And the congregation shall wait with bated breath for the baptized to be Born again... for however long it takes.. before the shout Halleluiah..

..oh.. the bliss of the heavenly silence which shall then descend on earth...

 

[DG Hear]

Tasty Meal

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

 

[DG Hear]

Spit or Swallow

Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, "I think I'm going to see a dietitian."

Nina asks, "Why?"

Rosy answers, "'Cause I need to know once and for all how many calories there are in semen."

Nina replies, "I really have no clue, but if you're swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you're a little chunky."

 

[Tricialen]

Spit or Swallow

Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, "I think I'm going to see a dietitian."

Nina asks, "Why?"

Rosy answers, "'Cause I need to know once and for all how many calories there are in semen."

Nina replies, "I really have no clue, but if you're swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you're a little chunky."

Very funny...and true...guys just have this guy thing about it

 

[DG Hear]

Very funny...and true...guys just have this guy thing about it

Wow! another new A/V. You're still my favorite!!!

 

[Tricialen]

Wow! another new A/V. You're still my favorite!!!

awww you are so sweet sweet dreams

 

[DG Hear]

Great Pet

A guy walks into a bar and sees another guy sitting with a ferret. The guy seems to be stroking it rather lovingly. The first guy asks him, “Why are you stroking that ferret?”

He replies, “Well my friend, the ferret gives the best head in the world.”

“Bullshit, there’s no way a ferret can do that.”

“Go try yourself.”

So the first guy takes the ferret and goes into the bathroom. A few minutes pass and suddenly there’s banging and moaning and screaming coming from the bathroom. The first guy comes out, stroking the ferret lovingly and looks at the second guy. “I will give you $500, no $1000, for this ferret.”

The second guy thinks about it for a little while and then nods. “Alright, a thousand dollars it is.”

The first guy pays the second guy and takes the ferret home. He places it on the table in front of his wife and tells her the story. She looks at him in amazement, “What am I supposed to do with a $1000 ferret?”

“Teach it to cook and get the fuck out!”

 

[DG Hear]

Sex Convention

A man takes his seat on a plane to Chicago and realizes the woman next to him is hot.

“Business trip or vacation?” he asks.

“Business,” she replies. “The annual sex convention.”

“What are you doing there?”

“Giving a lecture about the myths and truths of sexuality,” she answers.

“Like what?” asks the guy.

“People think African men are the most endowed, but it’s actually Native American men,” she says. “And another myth is that Frenchmen are the best kissers, when it’s actually men of Jewish descent. Also, a recent survey found that Cajuns are the best lovers of any ethnicity.”

Blushing, the woman adds, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be saying all this. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” says the man. “Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Boudreaux.”

 

[Handley_Page]

God Said, Adam I Want you to do Something for me.'


Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'


God said, 'Go down into that valley.'


Adam said, 'What's a valley?'


God explained it to him.


Then God said, 'Cross the river.'


Adam said, 'What's a river?'


God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill.......'


Adam said, 'What is a hill?'


So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.


He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave'


Adam said, 'What's a cave?'


After God explained, he said, 'In the cave you will find a Woman.'


Adam said, 'What's a woman?'


So God explained that to him, too.


Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'


Adam said, 'How do I do that?'


God first said (under his breath), 'Geez.....'!


And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.


So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into he cave, and finds the woman.


Then, in about fifteen minutes, he was back.


God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, '! What is it now?'


And Adam said

*


*


*



*


*


*


*


'What's a headache?'

 

[DG Hear]

Womans Underwear

Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.”

“I know the feeling,” the other says.

“No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re killing me.”

 

[DG Hear]

Pesky Erection

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

 

[DG Hear]

Senior Bus Trip.....

A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Burlington IA , to Branson , MO.

As they entered Missouri , an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested.
The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.

'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it, it runs away!!'

 

[DG Hear]

All in the Mind

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke....

The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens after when its over?".

The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will go down". "But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!"

This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news... So he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets a hard-on.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?"

 

[DG Hear]

Biting Nuts

The Russian wrestling team and American wrestling team are having a 5-on-5 exhibition match. Both teams are down to their final wrestlers, tied at two wins apiece. The remaining American wrestler is 5'10", 175lbs., and his Russian counterpart is 6'7", 300lbs and all muscle. The American coach sends his wrestler into the match with little hope of winning. As expected, the Russian has with way with the American. Suddenly, the American explosively turns the match around, pins the Russian, and gains the victory for the American team.

The American wrestler returns to the sidelines where the coach asks him, "Son, how were you able to defeat that big Russian? Honestly, I didn't give you much of a chance."

The wrestler says, "Well, coach, when he had me down on the ground all rolled up, I saw a pair of nuts dangling in front of my face, and I just bit them as hard as I could."

The coach is shocked. "That's how you beat him?!"

"Hell yeah!" the wrestler says. "You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own nuts!"

 

[DG Hear]

Lovemaking tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle..

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want... the neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

(I sent this in large type so you can read it)

 

[slyc_willie]

I may have posted this before, but it may have been forgotten. I told this joke a few days ago at work and it's been on my mind ever since. Apologies if anyone else has posted this before.

***

Johnny is playing in the yard when he hears the ice cream truck coming down the street. He runs down to the sidewalk and flags the truck down. The driver gets in the back, opens the flap, and says, "Hey, Kid. What would you like?"

Johnny taps his chin in thought. "Um . . . I want one scoop of chocolate, once scoop of strawberry, and one scoop of vanilla."

The ice cream man shakes his head in apology. "Sorry, kid, but I'm all out of chocolate. You'll have to pick something else."

Johnny thinks again. "Okay, I want one scoop of chocolate, one scoop of strawberry, and one scoop of vanilla."

The ice cream man rolls his eyes. "Didn't ya hear me, kid? I just said I'm out of chocolate. Pick something else."

Johnny thinks once more. "I want one scoop of chocolate, one scoop of strawberry, and one scoop of vanilla."

The ice cream man shakes his head. "Got trouble understanding English, kid? I told ya, I'm out of chocolate!"

"I want one scoop of chocolate, one scoop of--"

The ice cream man cuts the kid off. "Okay, okay, look. You're in school, right, kid?"

Johnny nods. "Yeah."

"You pretty good at spelling?" the ice cream man asks.

Johnny shrugs. "Sure."

"Okay, then," says the ice cream man. "I want you to spell the 'straw' in strawberry."

Johnny mulls it over. "Um . . . S-T-R-A-W. Straw."

"Good, kid. Now, spell the 'van' in vanilla."

Johnny smiles. "That's easy. "V-A-N. Van."

"Great, kid. Now, spell the 'fuck' in chocolate."

Johhny thinks, then frowns. "Hey! There ain't no 'fuck' in chocolate!"

"That's what I've been trying to tell ya, kid. There ain't no fuckin' chocolate!"

 

[DG Hear]

I may have posted this before, but it may have been forgotten. I told this joke a few days ago at work and it's been on my mind ever since. Apologies if anyone else has posted this before.

"That's what I've been trying to tell ya, kid. There ain't no fuckin' chocolate!"

Good one Sylc! We've had jokes posted three or four times. We don't care how many times a joke gets posted. The reader can always bypass it if they don't want to read it again. Please come back and post more often.

We're beginning to get a good stable of posters and readers. Everyone's welcome.

 

[DG Hear]

Ok, this was sent to me by a woman, like you couldn't have guessed it.
DG

Now I lay me Down to sleep,
I pray the Lord My shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles Please no bags
And please lift my butt Before it sags.

Please no age spots Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.

Please keep me healthy Please keep me young, !
And thank you Dear Lord For all that you've done.


Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on! And doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

 

[DG Hear]

Wisdom From Grandpa - -

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial rates
And blamed it on the cost of living.

Remember,
If you haven't got a smile on your face
And laughter in your heart,
Then you are just a sour old fart!

"Have a Great Day, unless you've made other plans"

 

[DG Hear]

cute

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you; I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father, Next!'

 

[Irania]

*****

 

[DG Hear]

Quote of the day:

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any
crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

 

[frisky-leo]

A friend sent this to me, and I just had to share....


ONLY IN MERRY OLDE ENGLAND (actual trial)

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins" and I thought it was cute, then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling" and I was tickled. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

He won the case.

 

[DG Hear]

Just received this one!

The Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6..6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete..

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now..

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

 

[frisky-leo]

For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age - this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age - this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age - this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children - this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I have learned from my children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A 6-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.
11. Play Dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters don't like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year-old is wonderful.
25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.