Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Questions on Welfare Claims

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had 7 but one died, which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing to the welfare department to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have 6 children. Can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.

This is my eight child, what are you going to do about it?

Please find for certain if my husband is dead; the man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows.

I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my boy illiterate as this is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children, one of which was a mistake, as you will see.

My husband got his project cut off 1 week ago and I haven't had any relief since.

Unless I get my husband's money soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?

I have no children yet, as my husband is a bus driver and works day and night.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want my money as soon as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for 2 months and he doesn't doe me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

 

[curl4ever]

Back To School Bloopers ...

Questions on Welfare Claims ...

I was laughing uncontrollably from these! Many thanks, DG!

 

[water_side]

News Items

From British TV news broacasts (as best as I can remeber them):

"A military training plane crash landed near the south-west coast of Scotland today. Apparently the aeroplane suffered engine failure and plumeted into a deserted field. Both pilots managed to ejaculate safely."

"The police raid unearthed large quantities of drugs and many hyperdeemic nurdles."

 

[redpaint]

A young Aussie joins the navy. On the day he is about to go to sea, his father warned him to be aware of gay sailors.

"But dad, how will I know?"

"Trust me son, you will know."

After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port. The father was on the dock waiting for his son.
The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his fathers hand. "Well son, how did it go?"

"Dad, I found out what you meant about gay sailors. One night I was out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my shoulder so I threw him overboard."

"But how could you tell he was gay?"

"Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling 'Throw me a buoy! Throw me a buoy!'"

 

[redpaint]

Fathet Murphy
A gang of hoodlums began hanging out on the steps of the church and hassling worshipers as they came in and out. Finally, the situation got so bad that complaints reached Father Murphy, who decided to go out and talk to the teenagers. The priest's appearance was greeted by hoots and catcalls. But he went up to the leader and said,

"Boys, I think there are better places for you to hang out than on God's doorstep."

The gang leader defiantly said, "Fuck God."

Father Murphy winced. "You're risking God's wrath by breaking His Holy laws and taking his name in vain."

The gang leader said, "Fuck God's laws. You name one,
I break it. I swear, I fuck , I steal, I smoke, I shoot people. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna break every single f**king law the church has ever make."

The priest said, "Do you really mean that?"

The gang leader turned to his buddies and said, "Do I ever go back on a promise? Blood oath. I'm gonna break every church law."

"Well," the priest said, "I know of at least one sin you haven't
committed."

"Yeah? Tell me what it is and I'll do it." Father

Murphy replied, "There's a strict church law against suicide."

 

[redpaint]

The Purple Wombat
There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.

Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.

"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.

Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.

Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!"

So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.

"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."

"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"

"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."

The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.

"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"

"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"

So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.

"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"

"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"

Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.

Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."

Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."

It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."

Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."

The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."

Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."

Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."

It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."

The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."

It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.

Moral: Don't stand up in a boat.

 

[redpaint]

Take Your Choice
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

 

[redpaint]

Wish Fulfillment
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

 

[redpaint]

Admiring Our Own Work
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

 

[john-the-author]

An old friend just returned from visiting relatives with her mother in Wisconsin and sent me this:

This came from the July 2009 edition of the Chippewa Pages newspaper from Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin. I was trying to do a dramatic reading for my Mom and sister and was laughing so hard I couldn't finish.

"This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editor's choice for best web mail award-winning letter.

Dear Mr Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbancy, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos for being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills'. Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period".

Are you flipping kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?

Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi-pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits for I have chosed to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending crap. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons"

 

[DG Hear]

Bumping into a New Friend

A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his
elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled The man
turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I
know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in
room 221."

 

[DG Hear]

Heard some before but maybe some of the readers haven't.
DG

Crude Sex Jokes

Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?
A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything!

Q. Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Q. What is the definition of "making love"?
A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
A. Yeah...now he has no ears.

 

[frisky-leo]

There is this little guy, sitting at the bar having a few drinks one afternoon, just minding his own business. A huge bodybuilder guy approaches him and hits him in the back, knocking him off his stool. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." Then walks off laughing. The little guy dusts himself off and goes back to his drink.

A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and hits him again, knocking him to the floor a second time. The big guy says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." And again, walks away laughing. The little guy has had enough and leaves the bar.

About 20 minutes later the little guy comes back into the bar, walks over the bodybuilder who is now sitting on the little guy's stool and hits the huge guy. Knocks him off the stool and out cold. The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

 

[Crudebug]

There is this little guy, sitting at the bar having a few drinks one afternoon, just minding his own business. A huge bodybuilder guy approaches him and hits him in the back, knocking him off his stool. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." Then walks off laughing. The little guy dusts himself off and goes back to his drink.

A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and hits him again, knocking him to the floor a second time. The big guy says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." And again, walks away laughing. The little guy has had enough and leaves the bar.

About 20 minutes later the little guy comes back into the bar, walks over the bodybuilder who is now sitting on the little guy's stool and hits the huge guy. Knocks him off the stool and out cold. The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

lmao... reminds me of this twist in the proverbial advice...
THOSE WHO LIVE BY THE SWORD WILL BE SHOT BY THOSE WHO DON'T

 

[Crudebug]

My work got dumped...

I just don;t understand...
All that effort I put in at the Sand Castle competition was all Waste..
They could have simply told me I did not win..
but.. butt.. did they have to call it a

SHITTY SAND CASTLE...! ! ! !​

The creativity of some artists are just never appreciated...

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http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/misc/images/zzsandcastle.jpg​

 

[DG Hear]

Punishments in Hell

Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the
punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to
select his first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The
new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next
room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.

The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an
really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a
gorgeous blonde.

The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.

The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder
and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".

 

[DG Hear]

Preacher in the KKK

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,'
there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One
morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I
have been hearing very nasty rumors!"

The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued,
"One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of
the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am
asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here
- before my flock of loyal followers."

A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled,
"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just
mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under
the sheets."

 

[DesertPirate]

As I watched the news when PETA was upset over Obama swatting a fly. I became worried about the treatment of insects. Now that this has been brought to the attention of the public, I would like your support and donation to help me start an insect rights group. I am going to call it the "Society for Humane Insect Treatment."

By getting in early, you may qualify as "Head" of one of the various departments (depending on the size of the donation). Send all contributions to "DDT, Mosquito, Texas."

 

[DesertPirate]

Can't eat pork,
Swine flu...

Can't eat chicken,
Bird flu...

Can't eat Beef,
Mad cow...

Can't eat eggs,
Salmonella...

Can't eat fish,
heavy metal poisons in their waters...

Can't eat fruits and veggies,
insecticides and herbicides...

Hmmmmmmmmm!
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M

I believe that leaves Chocolate and ice cream!

 

[DG Hear]

No Underwear

Joe is sitting on a train across from a
busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and
inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

 

[DG Hear]

Little Boy in a Whorehouse

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.

"She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

"In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

 

[frisky-leo]

Preacher in the KKK

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,'
there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation...

Reminded me of this...

Do you know what the main problem with Baptists is?
They never hold them down long enough.

 

[Handley_Page]

Tough Truths:

Life is sexually transmitted.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Most men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you don't see him excited, make him a sandwich!

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the
Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you can't
help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and substantial
tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

Many terrorists come to America legally and hang around on expired Visas
(some for as long as 10-15 years). At Blockbuster you're two days late with
a video rental and those people are all over you. I think we should put
Blockbuster in charge of US Immigration

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the
millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't a clue as to where
thousands of Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of
Agriculture in charge of Homeland Security.

 

[DG Hear]

Reminded me of this...

Do you know what the main problem with Baptists is?
They never hold them down long enough.

Ouch! I belong to a baptist church. It was a cute joke though. Have to remember to tell the minister.

 

[DG Hear]

Tough Truths:

Life is sexually transmitted.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Lots of good stuff here Handly. Thanks