Humor Thread

[redpaint]

Signs that you are no longer a kid (or even close)...

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with "Because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word equity means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

 

[redpaint]

SMART ASS ANSWERS according to Reader's Digest:

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Smart Ass Answer #1:

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

 

[DG Hear]

Some really good stuff there Red. As always, thanks for taking the time to post and make us smile.
DG

 

[Irania]

*****

 

[DG Hear]

Two new young interns are hired in the White House. They are walking down the hall when President Clinton sees them. The President walks up and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before."

okay

old and bad

OK, probably old, not bad, and probably true. You're welcome to post here anytime, Irania. You are a cutie. We like when cuties visit our thread.

 

[JackLuis]

I wonder if Bill Clinton will have two "Happy endings" on the way home from North Korea?

 

[Irania]

*****

 

[curl4ever]

If this isn't bliss, then bliss doesn't exist.

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"

GAWD let me be that wolf.

Outstanding start to the morning! Thanks, Irania!

 

[curl4ever]

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

...

Very funny! Thanks, redpaint!

 

[Crudebug]

I wonder if Bill Clinton will have two "Happy endings" on the way home from North Korea?

I post this even as I see the two women climb down the plane,,
and I had a lump in my throat when a baby was reunited wit her mother...
Gave me shudders to think that given the life in a North Korean labour camp,, the anguish of living apart and possibly dying in captivity,, was a very possible alternative..
Hats off to a country who relentlessly pursues the well being if it's citizens who come in harm's way...
I just can;t see the govt of my country bother to do more than issue platitudes in news briefings and probably even blame the captives..

Once again.. this news made my day.. with tears of joy welling in my eyes. on seeing the human side of the story.. of two human beings.. and their families.. and for this moment seeing it stripped of politics and other complexities..

 

[Handley_Page]

More Hallmark Cards You Won't See....But Would Probably Sell ...

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...
INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in hell 'til I met you.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help
but wonder...
INSIDE: What the hell was I thinking!

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you...
INSIDE: It's almost like you're here.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

 

[DG Hear]

The Muslim Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.

He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .

In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.

Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"

(OK, I can say this since I was born and raised in Detroit)

 

[DG Hear]

Superman

Every morning, Little Ray insisted that his mother pin a red bath towel to
his t-shirt. Then, in his imagination, he became Superman, and filled his
summer vacation with adventure and daring. When fall came, and Ray started
kindergarten, the teacher asked his name. "I'm Superman," he answered.

The teacher smiled and looked at Ray's mother. "Your real name, please."
And again, Ray answered, "Superman."

Realizing the situation required a little more authority, the teacher used
her stern voice. "I must have your real name for my records."

Ray looked around the room, leaned closer, and said in a hush, "Clark Kent!"

 

[DG Hear]

Q & A's

These were sent to me. Kind of funny.

1. Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.


2. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.


3. Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.


4. Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

5. Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.


6. Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.


7. Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.


8. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.


9. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

10. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.


11. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O,and U.


12. Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

13. Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

14. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.


15. Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.


16. Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.


17. Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.


18. Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

19. Q. What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.


20. Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.


21. Q: What is a Hindu?
A. It lays eggs

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Human Kindness

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Pine Street Elementary in Spartanburg , SC forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say "thank you". This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Pine Street Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Rosecrest Retirement Home. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Agnes Baker

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Parking Ticket

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started Writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

I'm Fine

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you say?"

 

[DG Hear]

Great stuff Zeb. Thanks for taking the time to post on our thread. Please come back often.
DG

 

[Crudebug]

DON'T BE A SEXIST

Broads hate that

 

[Crudebug]

He took his misfortune like a man

He blamed it on his wife.

 

[Crudebug]

A bachelor's life is no life for a single man

 

[Crudebug]

Women's musings...

The way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open


Serve a man a seven course meal.
Buy a Six-pack and a Hot-dog


All men are idiots and I married their King.


You can change a man -- if he is in nappies


If they put a man on the moon... they should be able to put them all up there..


Why can't men mind their own business?
Because they have No Mind and No Business.


Man cannot live by bread alone...
... Unless you lock him in a cage and that's all you feed him...


My husband is a man of rare gifts.
Hasn't given me one in years...


Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than women?
When it is time to revisit your childhood, he's already there.


My husband doesn't lose his way or get lost.
He finds alternative destinations.


How did Dorothy get lost in Oz?
She had three men giving her directions.


If men evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?

 

[Crudebug]

Even if a man could understand women, he still wouldn't believe it.

 

[Crudebug]

Bear With Me

Q: Where do Polar bears vote?
A: The North POLL

q: Name four animals that live at the North Pole
A: Three bears and a seal.

Q: What do you call a Bear with no socks on?
A: Bare-foot

Q: What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
A: A little bare

Q: What's a teddy bear's favorite pasta?
A: Tagliateddy

Q: Why was the little bear so spoiled?
A: Because his mother panda'd to his every whim.

 

[DG Hear]

These were sent to me to post.
DG


Back To School Bloopers

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In on of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music.


During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.

Queen Victoria was the longest queen in England. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

***************
The above is from the chapter "The World Accordng to Student Bloopers" by Richar Lederer from his book "Anguished English.'