Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Guess I should post a joke.

Pediatrician Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed? `

"Breast-fed ,"she replied. `

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. `

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." `

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

 

[curl4ever]

Just joking good Buddy, Always feel free to post whatever you want on this thread. If you get flamed for recommending anything, we'll get behind you and flame back. haha We have Crude on our side (thanks Crude)

You don't have to recommend anything I write, I do get lots of e-mails and comments. I'm happy to see you're giving new writers a push. Feel free to do it anytime. You help keep us on pg 1.
You friend
DG

Aw, shucks. I didn't realize I was such a valued part of the organization.
Thanks for your support (and overlooking my still-apparently-overly-newbie enthusiasm).
<In celebration, curl offers to buy a round of drinks for everyone on the thread.>

 

[DG Hear]

Making Your Spouse Happy

How to Make a Woman Happy?
I'm pretty sure this is all we need to do...

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Give head
2. Bring food

 

[Boxlicker101]

Making Your Spouse Happy

How to Make a Woman Happy?
I'm pretty sure this is all we need to do...

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Give head
2. Bring food

You forgot to mention that a man also has to be an expert on body language and/or a mind reader.

 

[DG Hear]

You forgot to mention that a man also has to be an expert on body language and/or a mind reader.

Good one Box, of course I didn't write the list, just passed it along. Thanks for commenting.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Voodoo Dick

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

 

[Handley_Page]

My one day of employment ......



So after landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Bunnings. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work ....

 

[Irania]

*****

 

[curl4ever]

Voodoo Dick
...

Out-of-this-world funny! Thanks, DG!

 

[redpaint]

You forgot to mention that a man also has to be an expert on body language and/or a mind reader.

Spend 8 hours trapped in a car with two of them

 

[redpaint]

3 Dogs at the Vet
3 dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer and a German Shepard are sitting in a vets office and strike up a conversation.

The Doberman turns to the Boxer and asks, what are you here for?
"I'm a pisser", "I piss on everything", the sofa, the cat, the kid but the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owners bed.

So, what is the vet gonna do? the Doberman asks.
"Lethal injection" came the sad reply from the Boxer.

The Doberman turns to the Shepard and asked the same question.

"I'm a digger", I dig under fences, I dig up flowers and trees. I dig for the hell of it. When inside I even dig up the carpets, but I went over the limit when I dug a hole in the middle of the owner's couch.

So, what they gonna go to you? "Lethal injection," replied the dejected Shepard.

The Shepard asked the Doberman why he was there.

"I'm a humper. I'll hump anything, I'll hump the cat, pillows, the table, fire hydrants. Whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the bath and bent down to dry her toes and I couldn't help myself and hopped on her back and started humping away.

The Boxer and Sheppard exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"

No, No, the Doberman said. "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

 

[redpaint]

the travler
once there was a traveler, he traveled all around the world. but one day he decided to stop in china. he sees this big 30 story building, so he knocks on the door. a little old man answers the door. the traveler says "ive been traveling all around the world and im really tired, can i stay here for the night?" the old man says "no problem but if you mess with my daughter you will get the three chinese tortures" but that night after dinner "they got it on."the next morning he woke up with a 10 pound rock on his chest, there was a note on this rock and it read "first chinese torture, rock on chest" and he was like this is a torture? lame. so he throws it out the window. he sees another note on the window seal "it read second chinese torture right nut tied to rock." thinking quickly he jumped out the window. while free falling he saw another note. "third chinese torture, left nut tied to bed"

 

[redpaint]

Why did the chicken cross the road?



SHUT UP!! you don't know!! no one does.

 

[redpaint]

A Valentine Story
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker."

 

[redpaint]

5 year olds first job
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay check of ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock."

 

[redpaint]

12 Things Teachers Wish They Could Say
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12.. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

 

[Crudebug]

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected

 

[frisky-leo]

Craigs list personals listing

Posted to Craig's List Personals:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43AM EST

I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand
over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You
also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow
come across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you
to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.

Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it
wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me
that Kimber Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just
picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol,
eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't
it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to
wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your
pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your
shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up
any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her
listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also
bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a
tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home
took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one
of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the
cash in your wallet.

I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb
after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers
side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell
just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over
a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they
haven't permanently cut off your service.

I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and
one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a
long chat (I guess while he traced the number). I'd also like to
apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home
humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in
life. Next time you might not be so lucky .

- Alex

P.S. Remember this motto...... an armed society is a polite society!

 

[Crudebug]

A Stiff Salute

Q. Why is being in the military like a blow job?

A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

 

[Crudebug]

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to writewith it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, “Well that’s great, just great… some asshole’s got my pen!”

 

[Crudebug]

First Guy: I'm going to get a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Second Guy: Better think it over. Wives like that are are hard to get.

 

[Crudebug]

Two friends that are dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. Drunk and at the hotel bar, they’re dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf and his woman try everything they can, but he’s just too drunk to get an erection. To make matters worse, he hears cries of “ONE, TWO, THREE… HUGHHHHHHH!” all night long from next door, where his friend and the other woman are.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?”
The first whispers back “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get an erection!”
The second dwarf shook his head, “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bed!”

 

[Crudebug]

This guy is walking down the street, when a hooker approaches him and asks, “Say, wanna have a good time?”
“Sure!” he says as they head off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes, all the while he’s staring at her.
The hooker says, “Is this the first pussy you’ve seen since you crawled out of one?”
The guy says, “Nope, just the first one I’ve seen big enough to crawl back into.”

 

[Crudebug]

A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop.
While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter.
He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and places it on the counter.
“What are you doing, Sir?”, she asks, “This is a clock shop!”
He replies, “I know it is, and I would like two hands and a face put on this!”

 

[Crudebug]

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over.
He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said, “I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.”
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, “It looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.”
She replied, “You mean it shows that, too?”