Humor Thread

[frisky-leo]

Thanks for posting to the humor thread. Please feel free to come back often. Always great to see new posters, as well as the regular ones.
DG

I love this idea. I get some random funny stuff from my friends, and I know a lot of good jokes.
I think a thread where people can go for a laugh is wonderful.
~FL


Wisdom of An Older Man


An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. 'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk with me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere.'

 

[JackLuis]

Isn't it Obvious?

Do you know why?

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.



Ever wonder why?






Because she smells like a new truck!

 

[Boxlicker101]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Boxlicker101
Silver and salver don't rhyme. As for "purple," how about "burp'll" which is a contraction of burp will. Out in society, a loud burp'll get you some cold looks.

According to the pronunciation guide in the in0lone dictionary, silver and salver do rhyme.

Here is "salver" from the pronunciation guide:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/salver

According to my rhyming dictionary, nothing rhymes with silver, unless you only consider the last syllable.

 

[Crudebug]

Crab Fishing

"I hear you went fishing with your girl last week."
"Yes, that's right."
"Catch anything?"
"Don't know yet."

 

[Crudebug]

Q: Did you hear about the masochistic sex maniac?

A: He was a sucker for punishment.

 

[Crudebug]

Since I've been depressed I've completely lost the urge to masturbate.
I guess I just haven't been feeling myself lately.

 

[Crudebug]

Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?
She woke up with a kernel between her legs

 

[Crudebug]

3 roosters; Normal. Retard, & Gay were sitting on a fence:
Rooster Normal said cock-a-doodle-doo!
Rooster Retard said doodle-cock-ado
Rooster Gay said any-cock ado.
Just then a Blonde hen strolled by clucking: Any cock'll do

 

[Crudebug]

Q: What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?

A: You shut the door

 

[Crudebug]

Thigh Kink Dom Cum

Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, and several other disgraced televangelists have started a new magazine.
It combines porno and Christianity and is called REPENTHOUSE

And all the women leave church chanting.. Hey Man!!

 

[Crudebug]

I took my girlfriend to a restaurant whcih promotes Safe Sex.
They write the bill on a condom so you can wine and dine your date, and then stick her with the bill

 

[Crudebug]

Confucius Say ...
Woman who spends much time on bedspring, may soon have offspring

 

[Crudebug]

Confucius Say ...
Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.

 

[Crudebug]

Confucius Say …
Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink

 

[Crudebug]

Confucius Say …
Woman who pounce on dead rooster goes down on limp cock

 

[Crudebug]

Confucius Say …
woman who cross rooster with owl get cock that stays up all night

 

[curl4ever]

Do you know why?

When a woman wears a leather dress,
...

Very, very funny! Thanks, JackLuis!

 

[curl4ever]

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed, the chicken sits back and lights a cigarette. Egg says, 'Well, that answers that question.'

A stunning twist on the chicken and egg joke! Many thanks, frisky-leo!
- curl

 

[Crudebug]

Q: Why did God give women nipples?

A: To make suckers out of men

 

[curl4ever]

We interrupt this thread for a special bulletin ...

From Misty

The Pastor's Ass
...

Note to other readers of this thread:
Not only was Irania's joke very funny, but her story series "Good Girls Aren't Gay" is EXCELLENT! The first two chapters are, in my humble opinion, easily the most amazing submissions I've read on literotica in the past year. Vivid, multi-faceted characters and engaging situations, together with achingly hot sex scenes, made these very enjoyable and memorable stories, even though I am not ordinarily a reader of the Lesbian Sex category.

(As a disclaimer, I have been busy this year, so I apologize in advance to all the other authors on this thread, including some of my usual favorites, whom I have not happened to have had a chance to read lately. I am truly sorry if I've missed any of your gems. Please don't hesitate to call one to my attention if I've missed it.)

I apologize for the interruption for this story recommendation, but I simply couldn't contain my enthusiasm. We now return you to your regularly scheduled Humor Thread...

- curl

 

[DG Hear]

Note to other readers of this thread:
Not only was Irania's joke very funny, but her story series "Good Girls Aren't Gay" is EXCELLENT! The first two chapters are, in my humble opinion, easily the most amazing submissions I've read on literotica in the past year. Vivid, multi-faceted characters and engaging situations, together with achingly hot sex scenes, made these very enjoyable and memorable stories, even though I am not ordinarily a reader of the Lesbian Sex category.

(As a disclaimer, I have been busy this year, so I apologize in advance to all the other authors on this thread, including some of my usual favorites, whom I have not happened to have had a chance to read lately. I am truly sorry if I've missed any of your gems. Please don't hesitate to call one to my attention if I've missed it.)

I apologize for the interruption for this story recommendation, but I simply couldn't contain my enthusiasm. We now return you to your regularly scheduled Humor Thread...

- curl

I don't usually read in the Lesbian catagory. but I will take the time to read this one since you recommended it. By the way, I have around 200 stories. Start whereever and whenever you like. LOL
DG

 

[Crudebug]

Q: Why do blondes tattoo their zipcode under their belly button?

A: So they can get the male into the right box

 

[curl4ever]

I don't usually read in the Lesbian category. but I will take the time to read this one since you recommended it. By the way, I have around 200 stories. Start whereever and whenever you like. LOL
DG

DG, you KNOW you've been one of my favorite authors, ever since my very first days on Lit. <curl buys DG a beer to apologize>

I never have time to read through the new stories list, so how would I know about your new submissions unless you put a hint in your sig or send me a PM or email? Now that I know you have some new things up, I'll make a special effort to read them, and am looking forward to being soundly entertained. (Let me warn you in advance, however, that I am unlikely to post another story recommendation like that. First, I feel guilty enough about getting carried away enough to inject a story review into your humor thread, and am still hoping that I don't get flamed too badly. Second, you are a well-established Lit author with an incredible string of hot-rated stories, and Irania is a very new author who apparently was blasted by some nasty criticism of her first submission.)

Always your faithful fan,
- curl

 

[Crudebug]

Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same
2. There are no dental records

 

[DG Hear]

DG, you KNOW you've been one of my favorite authors, ever since my very first days on Lit. <curl buys DG a beer to apologize>

I never have time to read through the new stories list, so how would I know about your new submissions unless you put a hint in your sig or send me a PM or email? Now that I know you have some new things up, I'll make a special effort to read them, and am looking forward to being soundly entertained. (Let me warn you in advance, however, that I am unlikely to post another story recommendation like that. First, I feel guilty enough about getting carried away enough to inject a story review into your humor thread, and am still hoping that I don't get flamed too badly. Second, you are a well-established Lit author with an incredible string of hot-rated stories, and Irania is a very new author who apparently was blasted by some nasty criticism of her first submission.)

Always your faithful fan,
- curl

Just joking good Buddy, Always feel free to post whatever you want on this thread. If you get flamed for recommending anything, we'll get behind you and flame back. haha We have Crude on our side (thanks Crude)

You don't have to recommend anything I write, I do get lots of e-mails and comments. I'm happy to see you're giving new writers a push. Feel free to do it anytime. You help keep us on pg 1.
You friend
DG