Humor Thread

[redpaint]

Three nuns quitting
Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?"

The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours."

So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"

The next day they went to the mother one at a time.

The mother said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?"

The nun replied, "I stole a kid's bike."

The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water."

When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"

The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!"

The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"

The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"

 

[redpaint]

Facts of life
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to a mosque doesn't make you a Muslim any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel faster through the mail than checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

 

[redpaint]

Jokes to offend everyone
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO"!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t...."

Why is there no Disneyland in Japan?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

 

[redpaint]

Stinkin' Proof
One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog.

When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves. So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food.

One week later, she went to get some cat food. Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat. So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food.

Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something . She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them. When the cashier did, he said, "It smells like poop!"

The old lady replied, "Can I buy some toilet paper now?"

 

[redpaint]

Sex Therapy - Florida Style
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!

 

[redpaint]

The flying dick
A guy was driving his truck along the interstate, when he admitted to his wife that he had screwed around on her. She proceeded to cut his penis off with a hunting knife, and throw it out the window.

The penis whizzed through the air and landed momentarily with a "SPLAT" on the windshield of the car behind, before sliding off. The little girl who was riding with her father yelled, "Daddy! Ew, what was that? I'm scared."

Her father said, "Don't worry honey, it was only a bug."

His daughter said, "Wow, that bug really had a huge dick!"

 

[redpaint]

At the retirement home
An elderly man, Willy, mimes driving a car as runs around the halls of a retirement home. An orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he's doing.

Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend."

The orderly chuckles and enters Bob's room to check on him. He catches Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing, Bob replies,"I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's away in Chicago."

 

[oggbashan]

Quotes about nudity

I have seen three Emperors in their nakedness and the sight was not inspiring. Bismarck

Don't miss our show! Six beautiful dancing girls! Five beautiful costumes! Poster outside a London nightclub

The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does. Robert Helpmann - choreographer

I'm not against naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be. Benny Hill

Full frontal nudity... has now become accepted by every branch of the theatrical profession with the possible exception of the lady accordion players. Denis Norden

I didn't pay three pounds fifty just to see half a dozen acorns and a chipolata. Noel Coward

Actually, nude bathing at seaside resorts is nothing new to this country, or at least certain parts of it. Mr E Bareham (sic) Editor of British Naturism magazine

Scores of artistically selected teams of traditional dancers from various parts of Kenya exposed themselves to the World Scouts delegates in a grand performance on Saturday night. Kenyan news report quoted in Private Eye

People who live in glass houses should pull the blinds before removing their trousers. Spike Milligan

Oh yes, I had the radio on. Marilyn Monroe discussing a nude photograph of herself in answer to a journalist's question "Didn't you have anything on?"

If one wants to see people naked one doesn't go to the theatre, one goes to a Turkish Bath. Noel Coward.

This is 'in the raw' theatre. There have been objections on moral grounds. But the main worry is hygiene. People fear AIDS. However, the nudists will be screened off from the rest of the audience and individual washable seat covers will be provided. Spokesman for the Brewhouse Theatre

 

[DG Hear]

Expensive

A man walks up to a woman and asks, “Would you sleep with me for $1,000,000?”

She quickly replies, “Yes.”

So then he asks, “Would you sleep with me for $20?”

Astounded by the question she says, “Of course not. What kind of woman do you think I am?”

He says, “Well we’ve already determined that. Now I’m just working on a price.”

 

[DG Hear]

Golf Lessons

A man was taking golf lessons one day. He swung the driver and hit it 150 yards.

"What did I do wrong?" he asked.

"Hold the club gently", said the pro." like you hold your wife's breasts."

The man took the advice and hit it 275 yards. That night he told his wife about the lesson.

The next day she went out for a lesson, too. She swung her driver and hit the ball about 50 yards.

"No, no, you're gripping it way too hard", said the pro.

"Hold the club like you would your husband's penis."

The woman took the advice and swung the club. WHUMP, she hit it 15 feet.

The pro said: "Now, try taking the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands..."

 

[DG Hear]

Damn! I'm bad for laughing at this.

Father and Son Talk

A father and son walk out onto their porch overlooking the stream and the father puts his arm around his son, stares at the scenery, and asks:

Dad: Son, do you have any questions for me about sex?
Boy: Yes as a matter of fact I do. What's that hairy patch below Mommy's waist, in between her legs?
Dad: That's her vulva.
Boy: Oh... Well, what's a cunt?
Dad: That's the rest of Mommy.

 

[DG Hear]

Devout Catholic

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her
husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next
husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally
together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you
mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"

 

[DG Hear]

Will I live to be 80

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"

"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?

 

[Crudebug]

A `hard' Test For Men...

Okay Guys...
Take a look at each of these pictures for TEN seconds and continue scrolling...

http://image-uploader.com/files/udnpjy2s1en3gy4bitn5.jpg

http://image-uploader.com/files/ym0boz0husprrfrf0zci.jpg

http://a.imagehost.org/0802/qzColSilvGold-gwff5.jpg

http://a.imagehost.org/0482/qzGreenTruckgwf65.jpg

http://image-uploader.com/files/qlnbp0iwyqhd2ihc6pto.jpg

http://image-uploader.com/files/jj1ppi0k1xt70mjfyig5.jpg

http://image-uploader.com/files/3un3z08zk8phpwabio4m.jpg
​

Now scroll below to the quiz and without scrolling back.. answer honestly..
a question for each of the pictures in sequence..
.
.
.
.
.
.
1. What is the time on the clock?

________

2. Name one animal on the Tapestry.

________

3. Is that a Gold or Silve rEarring?

________

4. What is the colour of the Van?

________

5. What is the colour of the Boat?

________

6. What is the tyoe and colour of her footwear?

________

7. Is the belly button of the girl in the middle an Insy or Outsy?

________

If you have been able to answer less half the questions correctly, you need EYE TITMENT...

http://a.imagehost.org/0192/boobieblackeye1.jpg​

For those whose sight and memory is horribly impaired, kindly schedule an appointment for this eye and head massage...

http://image-uploader.com/files/4er1o4m3hx7mscmue579.jpg​

 

[Crudebug]

Q: How did the leper lose the poker game?
A: He threw in his hand

 

[Crudebug]

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant

 

[curl4ever]

Okay Guys...
Take a look at each of these pictures for TEN seconds and continue scrolling...
...

<sigh> That's the most enjoyable test I ever failed. Thanks, Crudebug!

 

[Crudebug]

<sigh> That's the most enjoyable test I ever failed. Thanks, Crudebug!

So did you qualify for the TITment or the mASSage?

 

[curl4ever]

So did you qualify for the TITment or the mASSage?

Since I failed so miserably, I've requested both levels of remedial tutoring.

 

[DG Hear]

Interesting things

Stewardesses is the longest word
typed with only the left hand.

And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand.
(Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

No word in the English language rhymes with
month, orange, silver, or purple.

'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.
(Are you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth,
but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.
(Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
(Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
(You're not possibly doubting this, are you ?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.'
(Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
(All you typists are going to test this out)

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds .
(Some days that's about what my memory span is.)

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.
(I know some people that could do this too.!)

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that also . Actually I know A LOT of people like this!)

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2, (ship) moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
(Good thing he did that.)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls
froze completely solid .

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill, was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know more than you did before!!

(hope most of it is correct)

 

[Crudebug]

Since I failed so miserably, I've requested both levels of remedial tutoring.

smart man... just remember it's not on Obama's medicare plans and do not OD on those eye drops lest u get a cataract and u can make sure some oxygen seeps thru the crack...
Immediately after the sessions, u might find it hard to even find the clock, let alone tell the time... but hang in there till the dizzying spells wear off...

and make sure u don;t forget the anal follow ups... oops... errmm ..
I mean annual check ups...

 

[Crudebug]

Interesting things

Stewardesses is the longest word
typed with only the left hand.

And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand.
(Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

(Gonna be even harder and one long typing session... if you lost one or both hands.. lol.. or even some fingers.. ...)

No word in the English language rhymes with
month, orange, silver, or purple.

Month <-> Coelacanth
( A species of prehistoric fish supposed to be extinct, but recently caught off Indonesia and is the oldest species known to have survived with no changes... roaches too have, but their size declined from being as big as sparrows to what they are now... I can see the women read this info in horror.. lol.. but ;tis true...)

Orange <-> Range, Strange, derange.. etc..
and if pronounced as oraange (with a drag ion the A0 then it rhymes with Melange, flange.. etc
and if u pronounce it different,, then u have to change your accent.. lmao

Silver <-> Sliver, Salver, carver,
Purple <-> maple, people, multiple, tipple... etc (the last syllable does and qualifies as a rhyme.. the rrrr is past of the first syllable..)

And then it rhymes onomatopoetically with CARPAL the nerve between thumb and forefinger, which causes Carpal Tunnel Syndrome a painful condition arising from RSS (Repetitive Stress Syndrome) affecting most geeks using computers for hours one end, day after day)


'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.
(Are you doubting this?)

How about fixing your UNKEMPT appearance which at least it rhymes with Dreamt.. but since you will PREEMPT this argument saying the word must end with MT, I'll have to concede lest I be held in CONTEMPT.. lmao

Our eyes are always the same size from birth,
but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Nor do our hairs and nails... even though i have not verified those claims.. it is generally thot that both these either appear to gorw as the rest of the skin/flesh decompose.. or being dead cells themselves.. keep accumulating..)

The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.
(Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)
So do these sentences...
PACK MY BOX WITH FIVE DOZEN LIQUOR JUGS
and
JACKDAWS LOVE MY BIG SPHINX OF QUARTZ


The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
(Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
(You're not possibly doubting this, are you ?)
after some ARDUOUS work, I did stumble upon the noun ALDOUS which is a surname, but a noun and hence a word nevertheless...

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.'
(Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

hmmm I think you missed the bus to school when the added the letter Y as the SIXTH Vovel to the English Alphabet... (around the same time they demoted Pluto from being Planet to an Asteroid or a moon.. can't remember which.. lol)
But we can correct this by adding a `ly' tho am not sure if the modification is a legit word...
By the way.. MOZAMBIQUE too has the Five Vowels (ok, ok.. I'm sticking to Five as well) but not in the right order... unless you're dyslexic, in which case the order won't matter anyway..)


TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
(All you typists are going to test this out)

(What's a TYPEWRITER.?? lol...... I tried to find one and was told the extinct contraption might be found in the antique section of the museum..

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
Yeah.. the rest are on its tongue and claws where their sole function is to spit and scratch..

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds .
(Some days that's about what my memory span is.)

Dayum... and what kinda memory test was given to the goldfish?
Find your way to your own corner of the round/globular bowl?


A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
But a fraction of a JIFFY is the OHNOSECOND.. that fraction of time in which you just realised you make a major cock-up

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

I am sure i thot it winked, but I was still trying to figure out if it was smiling at the camera or grinning while deciding how tasty a snack I would make..

A snail can sleep for three years.
(I know some people that could do this too.!)
So, C'mon now.. fess up guys.. ..who switched off it's alarm clock?...

Almonds are a member of the peach family.
awwww DG,, I told my GF she had almond eyes, and she called me a PEACH.!!!
no wonder we ended up making a family

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that also . Actually I know A LOT of people like this!)
And did I hear someone say `Size doesn't matter'?

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2to 6 years of age.
tsk, tsk.. Should have used babies as informers during THE TROUBLES.. The I.R.A. would be unable to `kneecap' the Orange Stool pigeons then.. lol

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
Don't worry.. the Moon is slippig away form earth's gravity and the further it slips away, the weaker the earth's pull, and faster the acceleration of its escape.. It is reckoned that by 2080, it will be sufficiently far enough to disrupt the pattern of tides and this is the major Climactic Catastrophe on the horizon.. when they will still be debating Carbon Caps.. Idiots..
However, at the same time, the earth is also in the process of sucking in a huge asteroid expected to bcome the earth's second moon.. if the first one is still sticking around our neighbourhood... and the effects of it's entry are totally uncertain...
So somewhere down the line, we may have no moon in all of February, March.. December.. January... But then, again.. we could be seeing double .. and not from too much beer either...

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
WRONG!!!! Totally WRONG!!!
It is a species known as NAM (New Age Man) The totally domesticated man..
and don't tell me man is not a wild animal.. Wild streaks are still permitted to meekly appear in bed after being properly tamed...

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
WOW... I'd like to see THAT!!!
You mean they be fucking and popping babies along the way?

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors
But forgot to snip his canvass

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
So are BEANS... ask any Explosive Englishman who has BEANS for Breakfast..
Dynamite is safer... CORDITE doesn't stink..


Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
Thanks for the TIP... I'm adding a CONDOM Rack to the Fridge

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
And,, as asked earlier.. what if he has one hand... go figure..

The cruise liner, QE 2, (ship) moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
Is that when it is sailing with or against the current?

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
(Good thing he did that.)
Last time I stuck my `CHOCOBAR' in my gf's `pocket' when it did melt.. she first micro-raved, then raved while waves of orgasm washed over her and my radar antenna kept tingling...
When I pulled it out of the oven finally.. boy was it cooked into a limp shrimp

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid .
That's nothing... my ex-wife was not called the ice-maiden for nothing..
when she peed, icicles dangled between her legs...

There are more chickens than people in the world.
I think we need to educate the veggies and vegans before we are overrun...

Winston Churchill, was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Since when has a maternity ward ever been a room in a men's club?
So now they call shaking a Leg in Labour, the Delivery Dance?


Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
That's coz men don;t have tits at which woman can stare at wide-eyed

Now you know more than you did before!!
Before what? this post?
Dayumm.. am so excited that I am totally cum-fused

(hope most of it is correct)

No you dope... they weren't ... now they stand corrected and qualified..
rotflmao

..........

 

[redpaint]

Mistaken identity
Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."

"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

 

[redpaint]

Betting The Bartender
A man walks into a bar, goes straight up to the bartender and says, "I bet you $50, I can take out my right eye and put it back in."

The bartender, being an avid gambler, agrees. The man proceeds to take out his glass eye and put it back in his socket.

After getting his money the man says, "I bet you another $50 i can take out my other eye and put it back in."

Not believing the man could have two glass eyes, the bartender agrees. The man proceeds to take out his other glass eye and than return it to it's socket.

The man smiles as he pockets another $50. With a cocky look on his face, the man says, "Hey, I bet you $200 I can take one of your mugs, place it in one corner of your bar, than stand in the opposite corner and piss across the room, landing every drop in the mug."

Not believing a blind man could accomplish such a feat, the bartender agrees.

The man than puts a mug in one corner of the bar, walks to the opposite corner, turns and pisses all over the bar, not landing a single drop in the mug.

The bartender, relieved that he was getting his money back and an extra $100, smiles and says, "well, you can't win em' all."

The blind man pulls up his pants, pays the bartender, walks to the door, turns and says, "That's all right. I just bet this guy outside $100,000 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't give a shit!"

 

[redpaint]

9 types of girlfriends
Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't
have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze,
doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of
a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from
Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes
Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my
career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love
onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering
at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,
iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I
feel about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my
handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed
weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you