Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
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Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
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ugly, ugly, ugly.
oggbashan
Dying Truth seeker
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An Englishman, a Frenchman and a German eat lunch in an expensive Brussels restaurant once a week. Sometimes they bring people from other European nationalities as guests.
They take it in turns to pay by credit card. The only unusual thing is that the bill has to be presented in triplicate.
A new waiter asks the Maitre D about them.
"It sounds like a joke that these three men walk into this restaurant every week - but we make good money from them. But why do they want the bill in triplicate?"
"They are all Members of the European Parliament. All three of them claim the full cost of the meal every week, charging it as "European Cooperation"."
"But only one pays. Yet the others claim?"
"Yes. They may be European, but they are politicians first."
They take it in turns to pay by credit card. The only unusual thing is that the bill has to be presented in triplicate.
A new waiter asks the Maitre D about them.
"It sounds like a joke that these three men walk into this restaurant every week - but we make good money from them. But why do they want the bill in triplicate?"
"They are all Members of the European Parliament. All three of them claim the full cost of the meal every week, charging it as "European Cooperation"."
"But only one pays. Yet the others claim?"
"Yes. They may be European, but they are politicians first."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Ogg can't help but smile whenever I see your AV. I remember you posting in the 'Guess who it is" thread, way back when. You said you were the guy with a cake on his head. haha I'm laughing with you, not at you.
DG
redpaint
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Childbirth
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn`t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn`t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
redpaint
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Differences
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don`t speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building".
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don`t speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building".
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
redpaint
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Wrong Rescue
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can`t swim. Please save her. I`ll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where`s my hundred dollars?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can`t swim. Please save her. I`ll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where`s my hundred dollars?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
redpaint
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Flies
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, Are Ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses' rear?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses' rear."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them though."
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, Are Ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses' rear?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses' rear."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them though."
redpaint
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I Know The Whole Truth
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."
redpaint
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Buying Barbie
Gordon was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?"
She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $275.00."
Gordon asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $275.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious." the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture .
Gordon was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?"
She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $275.00."
Gordon asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $275.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious." the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture .
DG Hear
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Monks and the Monastery
I just received this
DG
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
DON'T SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !
but I bet you send it on!!!!
I just received this
DG
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
DON'T SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !
but I bet you send it on!!!!
redpaint
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Where were you?
One day a drunk bum walks into a really old bar. He hasn't taken a crap in days and has to go really bad. So he walks up to the guy behind the counter and asks "where's the bathroom?" and the man tell him "it's up the stairs and to the right." so the bum stumbles up the stairs and instead goes to the left. when he opens the door there is nothing but a hole in the floor. the bum has to go really bad so he just squats over the hole and takes the biggest shit of his life. after about five minutes he leaves and walks back downstairs feeling better, but stops at the bottom of the stairs. the whole place is busted up. windows are broken, tables and chairs are flipped over, people are passed out, and it smells like the holocaust. so the bum runs over to the bartender and asks "What the hell happened down here?" and the bartender asks "what do you mean what happened? Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"
One day a drunk bum walks into a really old bar. He hasn't taken a crap in days and has to go really bad. So he walks up to the guy behind the counter and asks "where's the bathroom?" and the man tell him "it's up the stairs and to the right." so the bum stumbles up the stairs and instead goes to the left. when he opens the door there is nothing but a hole in the floor. the bum has to go really bad so he just squats over the hole and takes the biggest shit of his life. after about five minutes he leaves and walks back downstairs feeling better, but stops at the bottom of the stairs. the whole place is busted up. windows are broken, tables and chairs are flipped over, people are passed out, and it smells like the holocaust. so the bum runs over to the bartender and asks "What the hell happened down here?" and the bartender asks "what do you mean what happened? Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"
redpaint
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midget and mule
One day there is a midget farmer who is getting very lonely. He has one mule and one cow. seeing as the cow is too big, he decides to try to have sex with the mule.
so he grabs a stepstool, and puts it behind the mule, then drops his pants. the mule takes a step forward.
so he moves the stool forward, gets up, and drop his pants. Again, the mule takes a step forward.
so he thinks to himself "if I take the mule to the ocean, then he want have anywhere to walk to!"
so the midgit farmer walks the mule to the ocean, drags the stepstool down, and notices a beautiful lady lying unconcious on the beach!
quickly he does CPR on the woman, waking her up and saving her life.
she turns to him and says "Thank you so much for saving my life! I will do anything, ANYTHING to repay you!"
in reply the midgit says "could you hold that mule for me?"
One day there is a midget farmer who is getting very lonely. He has one mule and one cow. seeing as the cow is too big, he decides to try to have sex with the mule.
so he grabs a stepstool, and puts it behind the mule, then drops his pants. the mule takes a step forward.
so he moves the stool forward, gets up, and drop his pants. Again, the mule takes a step forward.
so he thinks to himself "if I take the mule to the ocean, then he want have anywhere to walk to!"
so the midgit farmer walks the mule to the ocean, drags the stepstool down, and notices a beautiful lady lying unconcious on the beach!
quickly he does CPR on the woman, waking her up and saving her life.
she turns to him and says "Thank you so much for saving my life! I will do anything, ANYTHING to repay you!"
in reply the midgit says "could you hold that mule for me?"
redpaint
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New Drink Fad
A guy goes out to dinner with his girlfriend and after they head out to a bar.
The girl turns to the guy and says "theres this cool new drink out there I want you to try. It has a shot of bailys, salt, and lime."
the guy says "Thats it? allright I'll give it a try."
so the bartender lays out the ingredients in order and the guy goes for it.
first the salt. Its salty, but ok.
then the bailys. Great flavor, and the sweet and salty work pretty well together.
then the lime. first second the lime and salt hit and its unpleasently sour. then the bailys hits the juice and curdles into salty chunks. Not wanting to dissapoint his girlfriend he swallows the mixture and bellows "waht the hell was THAT?!?"
the girl turns and says calmly, "blowjob"
A guy goes out to dinner with his girlfriend and after they head out to a bar.
The girl turns to the guy and says "theres this cool new drink out there I want you to try. It has a shot of bailys, salt, and lime."
the guy says "Thats it? allright I'll give it a try."
so the bartender lays out the ingredients in order and the guy goes for it.
first the salt. Its salty, but ok.
then the bailys. Great flavor, and the sweet and salty work pretty well together.
then the lime. first second the lime and salt hit and its unpleasently sour. then the bailys hits the juice and curdles into salty chunks. Not wanting to dissapoint his girlfriend he swallows the mixture and bellows "waht the hell was THAT?!?"
the girl turns and says calmly, "blowjob"
redpaint
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help with sex
a farmer is having trouble getting his cows to mate one summer.
strung out for solutions, he calls his vet and says "doc, you gotta help me. I cant get my cows to hae sex and im dying for buisness."
in reply the vet says "take two fingers, stick them up the cows vagina, and rub them on the bulls nose. then watch what happens."
so the farmer agrees, and does as the doctor tells him. Sure enough, the bull gets a raging hard on and jumps on top of the cow.
so the farmer is in bed that night and gets an idea. He reaches down to his wifes vagina while she is sleeping, and, feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs his fingers on his nose. Suddenly he gets a raging hard on and shouts "Honey, Honey! Wake up and Look!"
his wife jumps up, turns on the light, takes one look at her husband and yells furiously "you woke me up in the middle of the night for a nosebleed!?!"
a farmer is having trouble getting his cows to mate one summer.
strung out for solutions, he calls his vet and says "doc, you gotta help me. I cant get my cows to hae sex and im dying for buisness."
in reply the vet says "take two fingers, stick them up the cows vagina, and rub them on the bulls nose. then watch what happens."
so the farmer agrees, and does as the doctor tells him. Sure enough, the bull gets a raging hard on and jumps on top of the cow.
so the farmer is in bed that night and gets an idea. He reaches down to his wifes vagina while she is sleeping, and, feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs his fingers on his nose. Suddenly he gets a raging hard on and shouts "Honey, Honey! Wake up and Look!"
his wife jumps up, turns on the light, takes one look at her husband and yells furiously "you woke me up in the middle of the night for a nosebleed!?!"
redpaint
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The teacher
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her
6th grade class one day.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high
up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from
one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and
asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to
see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she
had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to
the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an
even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time
the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you
for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when
she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it
up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another
male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the
classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her
6th grade class one day.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high
up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from
one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and
asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to
see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she
had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to
the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an
even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time
the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you
for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when
she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it
up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another
male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the
classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
Crudebug
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rotflmao... THE CEMENTMIXER aka BJ Revenge..
Did you / Are you planning to try it on someone who left a bad taste in your mouth, RP?.... lol...
Loved the Nosebleed.. Did not expect that ending... rrrrrrrrotflmao
Last edited:
redpaint
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I am not planing on trying it, But I do have a friend that is going to be getting married in the next year..
curl4ever
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Love it! Thanks for this one (and all the others, too
).
Crudebug
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I am not planing on trying it, But I do have a friend that is going to be getting married in the next year..
lmao... you know what they say about what makes the bride smile ...
She has just given a last blowjob...
redpaint
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Love it! Thanks for this one (and all the others, too
Thank you, Glade you enjoyed them.
redpaint
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Misunderstanding
A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose.
The doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"And?" asked the doctor.
"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey - this one here looks like yours!'"
A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose.
The doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"And?" asked the doctor.
"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey - this one here looks like yours!'"
redpaint
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State Trooper
A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding.
In the car is an old lady who is hard of hearing and her husband.
When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, "Heh, what did he say?"
The old man speaks up as he says, "HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE."
A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, "Ma'am I see you're from Florida."
The old lady comments, "Heh, what did he say?"
The old man speaks up as he says, "HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA."
The old lady nods her head, "Yup."
The trooper mutters, "Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of ass I ever had in Florida."
The old lady replies, "Heh, what did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"
A state trooper pulls a car over for speeding.
In the car is an old lady who is hard of hearing and her husband.
When the trooper asks the lady for her driver's license the lady responds, "Heh, what did he say?"
The old man speaks up as he says, "HE NEEDS YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE."
A few minutes later the trooper comes back to the car and says, "Ma'am I see you're from Florida."
The old lady comments, "Heh, what did he say?"
The old man speaks up as he says, "HE SEES YOU'RE FROM FLORIDA."
The old lady nods her head, "Yup."
The trooper mutters, "Boy, one time, I got the worst piece of ass I ever had in Florida."
The old lady replies, "Heh, what did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"
redpaint
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Posts
- 3,160
Respectfully Cheating
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?"
"Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you?"
"Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?"
"Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you?"
"Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
redpaint
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 21, 2008
- Posts
- 3,160
Chinese Wedding Night
A young Chinese couple get married.
She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten."
"I pomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting - juss anyting you wan, You juss ask. Whatchu wan?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You really wanting... Garric Chicken with Corrifrowa?"
A young Chinese couple get married.
She's a virgin, and truth be told he's a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten."
"I pomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting - juss anyting you wan, You juss ask. Whatchu wan?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You really wanting... Garric Chicken with Corrifrowa?"
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