Humor Thread

[Crudebug]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"
The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"

 

[Crudebug]

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day, only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation for making love to his wife.
Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doin' Dad?"
His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed!" to which Little Johnny replied, "So what ya gonna do, fuck him?"

 

[Crudebug]

Noticing one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."
The student looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned."

 

[Crudebug]

Starter pistol

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the wardrobe with his hands in the air!"

 

[Crudebug]

Read with an Italian Accent

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;
"Emma come first. Den I come.
Two asses, dey come together. I come again.
Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."

 

[Crudebug]

A company boss was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

 

[Crudebug]

Prodding..

A young man joins the Air Force. He writes to his father saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, "So, how did the parachute jump go, son?"
The son replies, "Well dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill sergeant came up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to 'do me' with his 12-incher!"
Father says, "Well son, did you jump?"
"Just a little at first," said the son.

 

[Crudebug]

Reasons to be male

Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another petrol station because this one's just too icky.

Same work... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress £2000; Tux rental £100. 'Nuff said...

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.

 

[Crudebug]

A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks for a pint. As the landlord is pulling the pint he says to the grasshopper, "We've got a cocktail named after you."
To which the grasshopper replies, "What, you've got a cocktail called Steve?"

 

[Crudebug]

always a catch

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand, several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie but this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Senior Managers ID badge and a dull grey suit.
"Well," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Senior Manager."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. He is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK kid, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK kid you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want me and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a Tampon.

The moral of the story?
If a Senior Manager offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

 

[Crudebug]

Mourning Walk

Two men walking through a graveyard walking their dogs and one man turns to the other and says, "Morning!"
The other man replies "No, just walking the dog."

 

[Crudebug]

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
(1) The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
(2) The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."
(3) The Frenchman thought - "That fucking Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
(4) The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again."

 

[Crudebug]

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that when the boss left they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday."

 

[Crudebug]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamt I was skiing!"

 

[Crudebug]

A blind man attends an interview for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"
The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."
"Correct," says the manager, "now try this one."
"That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man.
"Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind man's face.
"I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?"
The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.
The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

 

[Crudebug]

Old Is When.....

"OLD" IS WHEN.....Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN......A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN.....Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN.....You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN.....You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN....."Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fibre today.
"OLD" IS WHEN....."Getting lucky" means you find your car in the car park.
"OLD" IS WHEN.....An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

 

[Crudebug]

Ali G bible

'Ear me now. Me 'ave found dis book called de Bible wot is 100 years old.
It was writted by dis bloke called Jason Christ and his dad. It have no pictures and definitely no muff. Trust me, it is well boring. It come in two halves, da Old Testicle and da New Testicle, wot is happarently religious and people 'ave been fighting for millions of years about which testicle is da best.
Anyway, about 2 billion years ago dis bloke called Moses went up a mountain in Spain and dropped two tablets. Dey must have been class A's coz he came down wiv some seriously mental ideaz. Dey was called Da 10 Commandments, an dey iz 13 laws dat has been da basis of society ever since. Even da dinosaurs 'ad to learn them altho very few of dem hactually practisd dem an dat is why dey died of de Aids an also why Jurassic Park appened. Ere is wot dey say (not de dinosaurs hobviously - coz dey spoke in Dog). Also I has remixed dem for da new millennium.

Da old Commandments:
I am the Lord, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.
Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain.
Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy. On the seventh day thou shalt not work.
Honour thy Father and thy Mother.
Thou shalt not kill.
Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Thou shalt not steal.
Thou shalt not bear false witness.
Thou shalt not covert thy neighbour's ass.

Da New Commandments:
I iz da macdaddy, who iz taken u out of the county of Barkshire, u iz all me hoes, an if u iz up 4 it me is well into bondage.
Westside.
Do not dis Tupac.
Remeber every second Friday in every moth coz dat iz when me hold de jungle all nita at de Crooked Billet in Iver Heath. 5 squid on da door, first 1000 ladies free.
Respec your Nan.
Thou shalt not do drive-bys.
Thou shalt not commit adultery (unless she iz well fit).
Thou shalt not deal.
Thou shalt not wear false titties.
Thou shalt not cover up thy batty (unless you iz a man or you iz a minger).

 

[Crudebug]

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers?"
The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

 

[Crudebug]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.
Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking.
Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"
"St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."

 

[Crudebug]

Male Stages Of Life

AGE-DRINK
17 - beer
25 - vodka
35 - scotch
48 - double scotch
66 - Maalox

AGE-SEDUCTION LINE
17 - My parents are away for the weekend
25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend
35 - My fiancée is away for the weekend
48 - My wife is away for the weekend
66 - My second wife is dead

AGE-FAVOURITE SPORT
17 - sex
25 - sex
35 - sex
48 - sex
66 - napping

AGE-DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 - "tongue"
25 - "breakfast"
35 - "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 - "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 - "Got home alive."

AGE-FAVOURITE FANTASY
17 - getting to third base
25 - airplane sex
35 - menage a trois
48 - taking the company public
66 - Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

AGE-FAVOURITE HOUSE PET
17 - roaches
25 - stoned-out college roommate
35 - German Shepherd
48 - children from his first marriage
66 - Barbie

AGE-WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 - 25
25 - 35
35 - 48
48 - 66
66 - 17

 

[Crudebug]

Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands. After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives. She approached a woman at the airport and asked, "What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?"
The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."

 

[Crudebug]

Curry Joke

A man goes to the curry house one evening and orders a red-hot chicken phall.
Of course he pays for it the next day with guts on fire and wind like Satan's breath. The problem is there's a woman he's fancied for ages and he' s taking her out for a drive in the country that day. He picks her up and all's going well except he's having to hold all his pump gas in and he's starting to feel like he'll explode. Eventually he decides he'll have to let one go and tries to let it slip out quietly but misjudges and it comes out a real rip-snorter with a stink to match.
She coughs and splutters and puts the window down while he sits there feeling mortally embarrassed. By now there's an uncomfortable silence which he's trying desperately to fill.
Eventually, thinking to ask her about current affairs he asks "Have you seen today's paper?" to which she replies "No, but if you stop in a layby I could find you a couple of dock leaves!"

 

[Crudebug]

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole.
This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop.
The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.
The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish.
"Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish the bear was gay."

 

[Crudebug]

You know you are no longer cool when:

You find yourself listening to talk radio.

You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

When jogging is something you do to your memory.

Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.

You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

You actually ASK for your father's advice.

You don't know how to operate a fax machine.

When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

 

[DG Hear]

Wow Crude! Going to be hard to find new jokes to post. I did receive a new one yesterday.


HOLISTIC MEDICINE

Akhmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East. He was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said:

'Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'

The doctor said ”You were homesick.”