Humor Thread

[Crudebug]

Lee wasn't the brightest guy in the world, and his co-workers were continually ribbing him on the job. One in particular, Rick, would greet him each morning and precipitate this exchange:
"Say Lee, have you seen Ben?"
"Ben who?"
"Ben' down and kiss my ass!"
Tired of falling for the same joke day after day, Lee confided in his friend Susie who said, "Listen, next time you see Rick, ask him if he's seen Eileen. Rick will ask, 'Eileen who?' and you say, 'I lean over and you kiss MY ass.'"
Memorising his lines, Lee went to work extra early to wait for Rick. As soon as Rick arrived, Lee ran over to him.
"Hey Rick," he said, "have you seen Eileen?"
"No," Rick answered, "she ran off with Ben."
Lee frowned, "Ben who?"

 

[Crudebug]

How Sex Began

In the garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lived Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.

In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.

Along came a gust,
And needless to say,
The change in weather,
Blew both leaves away.

At this new sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder then came,
Into Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.

They then found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they could both rest.

Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.

The head of his thing,
Peeked into her hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

The joy was so good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.

 

[Crudebug]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yerz sir," says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Well," says the Irishman. "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything."

 

[Crudebug]

Beer prayer


Our lager, Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink, Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk at home as I am in the tavern,
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages as we forgive those who spillage against us,
And lead us not to incarnation but deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer, The bitter and the lager, Forever and ever, Barmen.

 

[scotsmitch2001]

Jesus walks into a hotel,with a hammer and three nails
"can you put me up for the night?"

 

[DG Hear]

Car For Sale​

Read text first before viewing photo.

* 1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf
* Only 15 km
* Only first gear and reverse used
* Never driven hard
* Original tyres
* Original brakes
* Original fuel and oil
* Only 1 driver
* Owner wishing to sell due to employment lay-off
* Photo Attached
.
.
.

http://www.whowantsabalti.co.uk/jokes/car-for-sale.jpg​

Hey Crude, the photo didn't come through!

 

[Crudebug]

Hey Crude, the photo didn't come through!

http://img8.uploadhouse.com/fileuploads/4399/43991581c0575d220e54b101940e704c2a9241d.jpg​

I had been able to see it on the page..
But now I have used another host and re-uploaded it.. enjoy

 

[Crudebug]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN​

Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry basket according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband is seen along the way cover any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loincloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. Wash rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.

Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot. Turn off shower. Clean all wet shower surfaces. Spray mould spots with Flash bathroom spray.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails or tweezers if found.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband is seen, cover any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend half an hour getting dressed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN​

Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in pile on floor. Walk naked to bathroom. If wife is seen, shake knob at her making "Woo" sound.

Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff.

Get in shower. Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't use one. Wash face. Wash armpits. Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower. Wash privates and the surrounding area. Wash arse, leaving hair on soap.

Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner. Make shampoo Mohican. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror. Pee in shower. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain was outside bath for whole shower time.

Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror again, flex muscles and admire size of knob (again). Leave shower curtains open and wet bath mat on floor. Leave bathroom light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.

Put on yesterday's clothes.

 

[Crudebug]

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?

A: A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.

 

[Crudebug]

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A: Wiped his arse.

 

[Crudebug]

A GIRLS PRAYER
​

Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks,
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed,
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more,
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask, "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen,
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend,
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the wanker you sent me instead.
Amen.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A BOYS PRAYER​

Lord,
I pray for a slag with big tits.
Amen.

 

[Crudebug]

Scouserpole On The Dole

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Scouse bloke - 6ft 5 and 350lbs.
He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over towards the scouser he whispers, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar leaving him bruised and battered in the car park before returning to his seat. Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that," he says, "just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure," the big Scouser replies, "something about a job."

 

[Crudebug]

Q: What's the difference between a nun praying and a nun in the bath?

A: One's got hope in her soul..........

 

[Crudebug]

Mental Health Helpline

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you're from Birmingham, don't bother."

 

[Crudebug]

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are all in a bar talking about their daughters.
The Englishman says, "I was in my daughter's room the other day and I found a bottle of vodka. I didn't even know she drank."
The Scotsman says, "I was in my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked."
The Irishman says, "Well, I was in my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of Durex. I didn't even know she had a dick."

 

[Crudebug]

Ali G's View on a Woman's Period

Not many people know dis but an important difference between men and Women iz sumfin called "da mental cycle" or as the doctors call it, "havin' de painters in."
But no matter wot name u gives it, it still causes terrible pain and sufferin and it aint pleasant for women eiver.

SO HOW OFTEN DOES IT OCCUR?
Well, ladies get da "red wedge" once every 4 weeks, tho sometimes more often. Me Julie for hexample tells me she has got it at least a couple of times a week.

WHY DO THEY HAPPEN?
Medikly, wot 'appens iz hactually very simple. Der iz a clock dat ticks in her muff, when it gets to "her time" da egg dat she has been fryin in her aviary drops out of her punani.

CAN YOU HAVE INTERCOURSE DURIN' MENSTRUATION?
People fink dat you can't have sex when your lady has "Arsenal playin' at home." Dis is not true - you can, but just not wiv her.
In fact, u can turn de situation to ya advantage and to show how considerate and luvin' you iz, suggest to her dat u do it up her batty.

Ear me now...I is not kiddin!!!

 

[Crudebug]

A man was trying to cross a busy road with no luck. After about 15 minutes another man walked past him and said, "Why don't you try round the corner, there's a zebra crossing."
The first man replied, "Well I hope he's having more luck than I am."

 

[Crudebug]

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and then begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.
Suddenly there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a branch and hang him by the neck until he is dead.
The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

 

[Crudebug]

A little boy is having a bath with his mom and he looks between her legs and asks, "Mummy, what's that?"
"Well honey," she replies, "that's where God touched me with a golden axe."
"Ouch!" says the boy. "Smacked in the cunt with a golden axe! Didn't that hurt?"

 

[Crudebug]

An old man is sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise when he sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" he shouts.
"A roll of chicken wire," the boy yells back.
"What you gonna do with that?" the old man asks.
"Catch me some chickens," says the boy.
"You damned fool," says the old man. "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he's dragging the chicken wire behind him with about 30 chickens caught in it. The same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise when he sees the boy walk by carrying something else. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" he shouts.
"Roll of duck tape," the boy yells back.
"What you gonna do with that?" the old man asks.
"Catch me some ducks," says the boy.
"You damned fool," says the old man. "You can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he's trailing the unrolled duck tape behind him with about 35 ducks caught in it. The same time next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" he shouts.
"A pussy willow," the boy yells back.
"Hold on," says the old man, "I'll get my hat."

 

[Crudebug]

A man walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
Cheese sandwich £1.50
Chicken sandwich £2.50
Hand job £10
He checks his wallet for cash, then walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.
"Can I help you?" she asks.
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs seductively, "I certainly am."
"Well wash your bloody hands then, I want a cheese sandwich."

 

[Crudebug]

MOTH-EATEN Excuse

A man comes home early from work to find his wife in bed. He's immediately suspicious and opens the wardrobe to find a man stark naked.
"What are you doing in there?" demands the husband.
"I'm the local pest controller," replies the man, "and we heard there's a plague of moths about."
"So how come you're naked?" shouts the husband.
"Well bugger me!" replies the man as he looks down at his body. "The little bastards!"

 

[Crudebug]

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, slumps on the sofa in front of the television and says to his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
\He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious and starts yelling, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing more than a lazy, fat, drunken slob…"
The man sighs and says, "It's started."

 

[Crudebug]

Q: How do you stop a woman giving you a blow job?

A: Marry her.

 

[Crudebug]

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.
A night of tall tales begins, and the first cowboy says, "I reckon I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground with my bare hands."
The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. Just yesterday I was walking down the trail and a 15 foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed the snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!"
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.