Humor Thread

[Crudebug]

Quotes / One-liners on DATING

Where, When? How much?
Your place, Tonight, Free,

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night?
The only difference is that in not many job interviews is that you’ll wake up naked at the end of it.

Have the florist send flowers to Mrs Upjohn and write `Emily, I love you’ on the back of the bill.

My idea of a perfect date would be a man who takes me for a romantic dinner and then walk along the beach barefoot discussing books and music
No wonder you’re still a virgin.

I went out on a first date, but I don’t think I’d be seeing her again. She got made when I didn’t open the car door.
I just swam to the surface.

A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman knows.

A woman waits motionless until she is wooed. That is how the spider waits for the fly.

In time, you’ll meet someone very special, Someone who won’t press charges.

Everyone says looks don’t matter, age doesn’t matter, money doesn’t matter, size doesn’t matter.
But I never met a girl who has fallen for a poor, old, ugly man with a small dick.

One woman’s Titanic is another woman’s Love Boat.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on DATING

Employees are the best date. You don’t have to pick them up and they are always deductible.

I’ll meet you tonight under the moon. Oh, I can see you now, you and the moon. You wear a necktie so I’ll know you.

It’s nights like these that drive men like me to woman like you for nights like these.

So, do you live around here often?

Sometimes I’d rather stay home and watch the new movie of the week on TV, than go out to a bar and see rerums of the guys I’ve dated.

I asked my date what she wanted to drink. She said, `I guess, I’ll have champagne’ I said `Guess again’.

I’m dating a homeless woman, It was easier into talking her into staying over.

I was on a date with this really hot model. Well she wasn’t really a date, date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie.
Then the plane landed.

I prefer young girls. Their stories are shorter.

A good place to meet a man is the dry cleaner’s. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on DATING

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I could sit in your lap all day if you don’t stand up.

The worse is when a guy lies to you about being married. He tells you he is, when he isn’t.


You wanna go see a movie?
No, thanks. I’ve already seen one.

A woman says to a man, ``I haven’t seen you around her’ `Yes,’ he says, `I’ve just got out of jail for killing my wife’.
`So you’re single.’

I have no self-confidence. When girls say yes, I tell them to think it over.

What’s your new boyfriend like?
Did you ever see `An Office and A Gentleman? Well, he’s kinda like the guy I went to see the movie with.

I asked this girl out and she said, `You got a friend?’. I said `Yes.’. She said, `Then go out with him.’

I was dating a guy for a while because she told me he had an incurable disease. I didn’t realise it was Stupidity.

I had a great time tonight, Really. It was like the Nuremberg Trials,

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on DATING

I was dating a transvestite. My mother said, `Marry him. You’ll double your wardrobe.’

The advantages of dating younger men is that on them everything, like hair and teeth, is in the right place as opposed to being on the bedside table or the bathroom floor.

When going away for the weekend with a man, the woman who has her hair cut, her bikini waxed, borrows a skirt from her best friend, buys a new top, does her eyelashes, diets, fills fifteen small plastic conditioners with lotion, tries on all her clothes, irons them and packs something `sexy’.
The man wonders if his wellies are in the car.

There is no fury like an ex-wife searching for a new lover.

I was dating a younger man. I asked him where he was when Elvis died. He said he was in amniotic fluid.

The older he gets, the younger his girlfriends get. Soon he’ll be dating sperm.

I once had three dates on a single Saturday and still had time to defrost my refrigerator and rotate my tires.

I’ve been chased by women before, but never while I was awake.

The nice thing about a stalker – they’re always there for you.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on DATING

Natural childbirth classes are a great place to meet chicks, if you’re into the full figure. And you can be reasonably sure, these girls put out.

People are going on dates to coffee bars. This is a bad idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date does not look any better.

I have such poor vision, I can date anybody.

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

On those June nights on the Riviera.. we were young, gay and reckless. I drank champagne from your slipper – two quarts. It would have been more, but you were wearing inner soles.

Do you like Pina Colonics and getting caught in the rain?

It was so romantic. Mr rigby – champagne, soft lights, Tchaikovsky in the background.
Oh, was he there too?


Your idea of romance is popping the can away from my face.

Romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenised and sold off piece by piece.

I want a man who is kind an understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on DATING

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

When I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Men date thin girls because they are too weak to argue and they only eat salads.

A lot of girls date me just to further their careers. Damn Anthropologists.

How many woman have you slept with?
Roughly?
I don’t care how you did it.. just the number.

Odds in meeting a single man: 1 in 23, a cute, single man: 1 in 529, a cute, single, smart man: 1 in 3.224,873.
When you look your best: 1 in a Billion.

I’m married now. So I do most of my dating on the Internet.

I’m all for computer dating but I wouldn’t want my sister to marry one.

The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I’ve dated is that Manson had the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him.

Why is it difficult to meet men who care sensitive, caring and good looking?
They already have boyfriends.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on DATING

I have no problem with British men. There’s something endearing about desperation and hopelessness.

I like only two types of men – domestic and foreign.

What are you doing in the closet?
Nothing. Come on in.

Many men like to pursue elusive women, like a cake of wet soap in a bathtub.

I’m a southern belle. Flirting is part of my heritage.
What she means is, her mother was a slut too.

She plucked from my lapel an invisible strand of lint.. the universal act of women to proclaim worship.

Using a complex, sophisticated technique to get a man aroused is like preparing a gourmet French meal for a Labrador retriever.

I’m not into that one-night thing. I think a person should get to know someone and even be in love before you use them and degrade them.

One woman I was dating called and said, `Come on over. There’s nobody home’. I went there. Nobody was home.

Valerie fondles men like a mousetrap fondling mice.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on DATING

Oh why can’t we break away from all this and lodge with my fleas in the hills.. I mean flee to my lodge in the hills,

Last night she was banging on my door for forty-five minutes.. but I wouldn’t let her out.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there’s never any gum under any of them.

I took up a collection for a man in our office, but I didn’t get enough money to buy one.

Another one of your `Till Death Do Us Part’ relationships?

I’m a one-man woman. One man at a time.

I can’t get a relationship to last longer than it takes to copy their CDs/

When I’m not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way when I sleep, it feels like I’m with a woman,

I’m going to cancel my date and spend the evening eating doughnuts in a cardigan with egg on it.

Young man, if she asks you if you like her hair that way, beware, the woman had already committed matrimony in her heart.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on DATING

When I finally met Mr Right, I had no idea his first name was `Always’.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancée.

Don’t think of him as a date, think of him as dinner.

My girlfriend told me she was seeing another man. I told her to rub of her eyes.

I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

I was on a date recently and the guy took me horseback riding. That was fun until we ran out of quarters.

Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can’t figure out from what.

Two out of five Irish women prefer alcohol to sex and it’s just my luck to go out with both of them.

The only place men want depth in a woman is in her décolletage.

A woman, especially if she has the advantage of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.

I think.. therefore I am single.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on DATING


no man ever stuck his hand up your dress looking for a library ticket.

A woman who has her head full of Greek or carries on fundamental controversies about mechanics, might as well have a beard.

Boys don’t make passes at female smart-asses.

Brains are never a handicap for a girl if she hides them under a see-through blouse.

The fastest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.

Most beautiful but dumb girls think that are smart and get away with it, because other people, on the whole, aren’t much smarter.

I don’t know what went wrong between me and my girlfriend – or Tabby as I called her.

To keep a man you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit myself.

What do you do when romance starts to go out of a relationship?
I get dressed up and go home.

I don’t use the word `relationship’. Unless you’re screwing a cousin, that’s a `relationship’.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on DATING

I was dating this girl for two year and then the nagging starts, `I wanna know your name’.

If you never want to see a man again say, `I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.’
Sometimes they leave skid marks.

I broke up with my girlfriend. She moved in with another guy, and I draw the line at that.

I’m single by choice. Not my choice.

If you can live without me, why aren’t you dead yet?

I’m still going on bad dates, when by now, I should be oin a bad marriage.

I saw her giving me the once over.
Yes She looked once. And it was all over.

Once a woman has given her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her.

Take me or leave me. Or as most people do – both.

What do you say when you break up with a woman?
I usually say, `I’ll call you tomorrow/’

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on DATING

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.

Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine.
You can’t do it with one push. You have to rock it back and forth a few times before it goes over.

If you leave me, can I come too?

The guy dumped me because he said I have low self esteem. I said, `No kidding. I slept with you, didn’t I?’

Get your tongue out of my mouth. I’m kissing you goodbye.

When someone asks, `Why do you think he’s not calling me?’ there’s always one answer - `He’s not interested’.
There’s not ever any other answer.

If he hasn’t called in three weeks and you have no idea where he is, the chances are he’s not in an emergency room moaning your name.

I waited for the phone to ring, and when at last it didn’t, I knew it was you.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on DATING

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re probably broke.

If you love someone, let the go. If they come back, great. If they don’t, they’re probably having dinner with someone more attractive than you.

When it’s over, it’s over. And I should know. I would get into bed and she would mentally dress me.

You can always tell when the relationship is over. Little things start getting on your nerves. `Would you please stop that? That breathing in and out. It’s repetitious.’

Sensitive break-up letters are my speciality: Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you. PS: I’m gay.

Only time can heal a broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs.

The day he moved out was terrible – that evening she went through hell. His absence wasn’t a problem but the corkscrew had gone as well.

 

[Handley_Page]

A man and a woman are having dinner in a restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, spots that the man is slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. As the waitress watches, the man slides all the way under and out of sight. Still, the woman dining opposite him appears not to notice.

Finally, the waitress comes over to the table and whispers discreetly to the woman, "Pardon me, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

"No, he didn't," the woman calmly replies. "He just walked in the door."

 

[DG Hear]

New Watch

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties…"

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man exclaims, "Damn ”this thing must be an hour fast!"

 

[DG Hear]

Firm Up

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt, and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this offended her, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

 

[sadangel]

Shot To The Heart

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made thedecision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, shecalled her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On awoman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.


Deadly Golf Trap

Jim and Bob are golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine and climbs down in search of it.

Jim spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to Bob in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, I got trouble down here."

Bob calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron. You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."


Penguin Delivery

A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus.

An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over.

The zoo worker yells, "I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?"

"Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies."

 

[DG Hear]

Cute! Sadangel, thanks for taking the time to drop by and post. Your a lot nicer to look at then, Crude, Red, DP or crule, Although they are some nice guys.

 

[DG Hear]

Winning Gold

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

 

[DG Hear]

Soldiers

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

 

[redpaint]

CDC Medical Alert
The CDC has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life.

 

[redpaint]

Socialism - Good on Paper, Not in Reality...
An economics professor at Texas Tech said he had failed very few students but had, once, failed an entire class. That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said, "Ok, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism."
"All grades will be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade meaning, obviously, no one will receive an A." They all agreed to this. After the first test the grades were averaged and everyone got a C. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.
But, as the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too, so they studied little. The second test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around the average was an F.
The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else. To their great dismay the professor failed them all. Then he sent all of them this note: "A socialistic government will also ultimately fail - because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed."

 

[redpaint]

REINCARNATION
Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”.
Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.

St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Jason.
“Well just relax and let it happen”.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”

 

[redpaint]

Some Things You Just Can't Explain
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting saused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...

 

[oggbashan]

Seller's Market

A man goes on a business trip to buy some metal. He is gone a week. After a week he emails his wife:

"Busy, still buying."

Each week for three or four weeks he sends his wife the same message.

At the end of six weeks she replies:

"Come home at once, darling, before I start selling what I think you're buying."