Humor Thread

[redpaint]

Crude and Red! You are both on a roll, Thanks for posting. Curl, thank you for acknowledging The humor of others. It is what makes posting jokes and humor worth while, knowing others are enjoying them. Keep it up all, haha.

I'll admit I have been laughing my but off at the stuff you and Crudebug have been posting.

 

[DG Hear]

Birthday Wife

Rich was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't have a clue what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So that's what Rich did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

 

[redpaint]

OK I don't know why anyone would want a pair of these' but then who am I to judge.
http://www.handerpants.com/

 

[DG Hear]

The Talk

A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

I don't want to know! the child says, bursting into tears. Promise me you won' tell me!"

Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, dad, the boy sobs. When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny speech'. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really f*ck, I'll have nothing left to live for."

 

[redpaint]

Greatest Voice mail ever.

http://www.entertonement.com/clips/kgfbklbhfm--no-message

 

[redpaint]

Liver and cheese
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle, "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

Liver alone. Cheese mine.

 

[redpaint]

Crushed Scrotum
During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord."

"Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed."

"The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain."

"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation."

"They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my beautiful blonde wife, the word is 'sternum."

 

[redpaint]

Kill husband
A lady walks into a pharmacy and asks the
pharmacist for some arsenic.

The pharmacist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

The lady says "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the pharmacist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.
He looks at the photo and says Oh, pardon me, I didn't realize you had a prescription.

 

[redpaint]

The Gay Flight Attendant
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. So put the tray-up, Bitch"

 

[redpaint]

Moose Hunting
These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.

Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool)

They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call.

Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.

They called again, the bull answered closer to them.

They called again, the bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, "OK, let's get out and get him"!

After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts - "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!"

The front guy says, "Well, I'm gonna start nibbling grass, but you better start to brace yourself!"

 

[redpaint]

Overboard
Haxed by The Doctor

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her.

So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a an e-mail from the ship.

It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise?"

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!"

 

[redpaint]

Mountain neighbors
Dan, a 35 year old New York stock broker had made it so big on Wall Street that he was able to retire at a young age.

Using his wealth, he buys a small cottage in the Vermont mountains.

After 6 months of hardly any human contact, except for venturing into town for supplies, he hears a knock on his door.

He opens the door to find this big, surly, bearded man standing in front of him.

"May I help you," Dan asks.

"The name's Jim, I live 'bout two miles down the road in my cabin," the man says.

"I'm having a party this coming Saturday and I thought I'd invite you seein' that you're new and all here."

Dan accepts the invitation saying, "Great, I haven't been out in six months."

Jim says "I gotta warn ya, there's gon' be a lot a drinkin at this party."

"Well, I've been to all the bars in New York and have held my ground with the best of them," Dan replies.

"A lot of fightin' goes on that these parties too," Jim says.

Dan replies "well, it'll be nice to get out and I think I can hold my own."

Jim offers, "there's also gon' be some wild love making."

"Well I have been alone for the last six months," Dan says with a laugh.

So the two exchange numbers and directions and just as Jim is walking away Dan says "What should I wear?"

Jim turns and replies, "Whatever you want, just gon' be us two."

 

[DG Hear]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says..

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .






Wait for it.

It's coming. .







The suspense is killing you, isn't it?






She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

 

[Crudebug]

rrrrotflmao...
how about it RP.. shall we play peeping toms at Jim's party..?

Also, still chuckling, at the Consternation of the Congregation of the other Jim whose scrotum was spared those awful OUCH's

 

[DG Hear]

THIS IS A VERY VERY TRUE, AND LITTLE KNOWN HEALTH FACT!!!!!!


Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your bum and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.

 

[Crudebug]

Aliens

Q: How does an Alien count to 35?
A: On his fingers

Q: What did the alien say to the garden?
A: Take me to your weeder.

 

[Crudebug]

THIS IS A VERY VERY TRUE, AND LITTLE KNOWN HEALTH FACT!!!!!!
>>>

I can Lay a Safe Bet that anal optic nerve is also connected to the Vocal Chord..
Am sure some proud lesbian will ask some gay in the closet to confirm this hypothesis...

Is my dahiln' SB, who patrols this (terribly vulgar, obscene and politically incorrect gender-sexual-racial discriminatory) thread gonna bite this bait.. or do I have to teach her the temptations of the tea-baggng bonus her tribe sorely misses...

 

[Crudebug]

Presidential Humour

Besides Lincoln and Washington, what other Presidents happen to be born on public holidays?


Q: What do you get if you cross a US President with a shark?
A: Jaws Washington


When I was young, I was told anyone could be the President.
Now I'm beginning to believe it...

 

[Crudebug]

You know your AMISH child is going off the rails when..

* He sometimes stays in bed until 5 a.m

* In his sock drawer you find pictures of women without bonnets

* He shows up at Barn Raisings in full KISS Make-up

* When you criticize him, he yells: `Thou sucketh'.

* His name is Jebedaiah, but he goes by `Jeb Daddy'.

* He defiantly says, `If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap'.

* You come upon his secret stash of coloured socks.

* He uses slang expressions: `Talk to the hand coz the beard ain't listening'.

* He was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.

* He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

 

[Crudebug]

Ants & Antics

Q: Where do ants go for their holidays?
A: Frants

Q: What do you call the ant who skips alcohol?
A: A Truant

Q: Why did the ant elope?
A: Nobody Gnu

Q: What do you call a greedy ant?
A: An anteater

Q: What is smaller than an ant's dinner?
A: An ant's mouth

Q: What do you call an ant who lives with your great uncle?
A: Your Great-Ant

Q: What do you call a 100-year-old ant?
A: An Antique

Q: Who is the most famous French Ant?
A: Napeolant

Q: Why don't anteaters get sick?
A: Because they are full of antibodies

Q: What do you call an ant who like to live alone?
A: Independant

Q: What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
A: Antteneye

Q: What do you call an ant with frog legs?
A: An antiphibian

Q: What kind of ants who live in apartments?
A: Tenants

 

[Crudebug]

SB dahlin'.. aincha goonna give your sweethear CB a smooch for posting CLEAN jokes.. or are you still TICKED off about my ANTICS...
ROTFLMAO... mebbe you're still trying to get the ants outta ur jumpy pants...
I'll wait for that kiss. but can I LAY a SAFE BET that I should not be holding my breath?
Where the heck are you... the thread is losing its colour without you painting the town RED as you leave a trail in the wake of your visits..
Dayum.. sure missed seeing someone who is perpetually pissed... lol

 

[Crudebug]

Funny Appliance

Q: What runs, but doesn't get anywhere?
A: A refrigerator

 

[Crudebug]

Hearty Art

A Picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses a thousand times the memory.

A Picture may be worth a thousand words, but one word can inspire thousands of pictures..

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, yet the guy at the gallery wouldn't trade me that painting for my newspaper.

After his wife divorced him, Joe asked his best friend, Bill, to fix him up with a blind date. Bill obliged. The next day, Joe called up Bill and shouted at him angrily: `Bill, what kind of guy do you think I am? That girl you fixed me up with was cross-eyed; she had hair growing on her face; she was flat-chested; thin and crooked; and her ankles were as thick as her thighs.' Bill answered: `Either you like Picasso, or you don't like Picasso.'

Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like.
On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine and the Eiffel Tower.

Recently a man in Paris got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, and getting it and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when he Renault van ran out of fuel. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
I had no MONET to buy DEGAS to make the VAN GOGH'

I painted her in oils because she had a face like a sardine

Modern Artist: Someone who paints on a canvass, wipes it off with a cloth... and sells the CLOTH

The best way to tell if a modern painting is finished is to touch it.
If the paint is dry, it is.

It's easy to understand modern art. If it hangs on the wall, it's a painting.
If you can walk around it, it's a sculpture.

She was so ugly that her mirror was out in a museum of modern art.

Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was Framed.

Q: What do you call an American drawing?
A: Yankee doodle

(and this one is specially dedicated to you... RP... )

Q: What is red and smells like Blue paint?
A; RED PAINT

 

[ms.read]

what do you get when you mix a ladybug with a crude joke?

Crudebug!

 

[Crudebug]

what do you get when you mix a ladybug with a crude joke?

Crudebug!

muaaah... u wanna be my nude lady and let me bug you with crude jokes...
we could make a lot of lil bugs... lol..
thanks doll.. bughugs

Her fav story is about a horny Duck,
And how to shape your luck by pluck,
But until she lets me mix, am stuck,
Waiting for her to fix this schmuck.
The political smartass is real mean,
Independent but has a Democrat lean,
She reveal traces of intelligentsia,
Claims she’s occupied with dementia,
Indeed treading the line is ms.read,
Facts feel pain when fictions bleed.